Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Goodbye to twenty-fifteen

How amazing that we are this close to bidding goodbye, 2015
this year you have been amazing, more so thanks to 2014.

2014 taught me to appreciate life & to take my thoughts to another perspective
then came you, and you didnt fail to cheer me on
Thank you for telling me the earth continue spinning when i was imagining all sorts of illness
thank you for proving to me that life does not revolve around myself alone,
thank you for cherishing my family & urging me to take initiative to keep my parents protected

2015 you gave me a huge responsibility, you allow our wedding to take place, and gave us hiccups
Nevertheless, every hiccups is well appreciated, because now we can randomly talk about it & laugh it off like it was good memories.
2015 you made my Dad nervous to gave away his first daughter, you gave him hypertension due to nervous when walking his daughter down the aisle,
you made all the siblings gather together to execute my wedding & perfecting it
you also made my siblings sit down & chat about responsibilities & giving back to our parents
2015 you gave me the chance to own a car thus begin an upward slope to recovery especially convincing myself i wasnt sick in the head,
you took my privileges away & gave me bills to pay every months, and now you challenge me to save a 5 digit savings by 2016, on top of the bills i am still paying
you gave me independance & allow me to contribute to our family,
i never knew i can be an adult the way i am now, thank 'you 2015

This year, you grant me with a pink of health & the even the doc have no qualms when i suggested skipping my next schedule appointment,
the accumulate years of visiting the gynae, ultrasound scan & waiting in the hospital is not a thing o a past, because you told me 2016 i am going to do better & that road to healthiness is a climbing slope i will have to continue to take.

You took me away from the family i face every night for the past 27 years, and threw me in a foreign place but i wasn't lonely. You see, you have trained me for this day & even thou the environment i am in now is not my usual hangout, it was filled with people i was familiar & comfortable with, even thou they can never be the same as the folks i spent 27 years with.
You told me it takes 2 hands to clap, and the man i went to bed every night was the hand i am to clap with, you told me there were 365 days to make things right, and even the worst day will be over as long as i woke up with new motivations.

2015 you gave me a huge leap in my career shift, and even if i am still in the same industry things have now changed. I am happy at this point with my achievement & am glad i took up the opportunities. you also warn me 2016 was going to be real tough & if i can survive it then perhaps 2017 will be a bed of roses. 2015 you have been nothing but amazing, so i am crossing my finger that 2016 will take you as a role model & excel better.

2015 i watch you from the land of different sea, i had the chance to experience you while it snow, then i also conquer the highest mountain with low altitude, you set me with many challenges but never once alone. I feel i might not overcome them without my friends but you blessed me with them so i kept going & kept going.

i am still counting down the days till we bid goodbye, but 2015 you are always on my mind, just like 2014, 2013 and all the years that have passed, you gave me memories that is etched somewhere in my mind, that will someday open like a drawer being drawn & some memories start flowing & one will take place after another. Then the familiar recognition of your presence will forever live in my heart.

"Thank you 2015, you were amazing"

Monday, December 21, 2015

Wedding, weekend & thoughts

Last wedding for the year 2015 is finally completed, this being one of the wedding i most look forward to, because both the bride & groom are amazingly talented people with a quirky & unique taste when it comes to styling. 

i especially love the standee by the entrance of the wedding hall, marking all the big dates they've encounter something amazing, till the day they say the vow, it was also an eventful & busy day because both bbbb & i were the bridal team for the big day, that means taking a full day off & waking up before the sun comes out & only returning home after midnight. 

Nevertheless, i enjoyed myself, especially looking at bbbb - who had me promised not to step up/in during the execution of the entire day. He however, step up & outdid himself assisting the Groom & Bride to make their big day so amazing & complete. He was -after all- trying to gain my acknowledgement that he was efficient & i didnt get away with a lie this time, i really think i am very impressed just watching him flaring his "leadership" quality, reminding me again why i was so attracted to him in the first place. 

bbb & i emceeing & pulling a false one on the bride & groom. 

So, i have been following up with the good vibes due to year end, i travelled out for business last week & during one schedule meeting was destine to face a black face customer whom hasnt been nice to all my other colleague. Maybe its the good vibes, because i trusted from the start i was going to just smile through the meeting no matter how tough. We ended up going to the wrong plant (not Singapore afterall & we dont speak their language) & by the time we met the customer, we were 30min late (in their words, we were THE WHOLE MORNING late, but his mislooking of email content is by no fault any of ours)

Surprisingly, the meeting went exceptionally well, thou i STILL have not met the said customer in person, he must have ran out of patience with us because he sent an assistance to speak to us instead. Nevertheless, we hit it off pretty well & he was willing to consider our product & that means we are one step closer to closing another business. I am very excited on this matter & hope it becomes an achievement. 
Here's us, looking all dainty & girly in our bridesmaid dresses, the bride is so gorgeous!~

bbbb & i took the weekend (after waking up really late  & missing breakfast due to the intense wedding friday) to pack our room, then head home to pack my hood. Somehow, with the mentality tat we are soon moving into the new house together, we manage to give up a lot more stuff. i threw away lesser clothes this time thou, a lot more treasured jewelleries that meant so much last time. Now, they are just plastic-y fake pearls & sterling silver that is worth less a dime. I didnt feel much heartache parting ways thou, seeing the wardrobe & room neat with minimal stuff excites me. Now, we are just hoping to get our roof ready for moving in. The talk is all about house, babies & career, Gosh, where have all the gossip times shared with my girlfriends went? We use to talk at least about drinking, shopping & travelling, now i view them all as secondary, to spending the bucks on building a livable house for bbbb & me

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Life, family, depression

We are down to about 9 days till christmas & i am feeling good.

i dunno how this year, the joyful feeling is amplifying bigger than the other years, OR i could have felt this happy every year but every year feels happier than the previous.

So i had a chance to pop by Sharon's to visit Kordia, who was down with a cold & cough. There we were, 3 adults queueing outside the baby clinic waiting for registration at 7pm.
i notice there were 3 other toddlers/babies in the queue & though they didnt appear to be unwell, it was the gloomy look on their parents' face that indicated they were.
Then there is Kordia, so weak & unlike her usual playful self, i could tell both her Daddy & Mummy were worried sick, trying to hold her right till she found a comfortable spot to get some rest. Even throughout the short chat we had while waiting for the doctor to arrive, it was obvious most time Kive & Sharon were looking at Kordia for any sign that she was suffering.
At one point, Kordia breathe slightly faster than the other time, even i panicked & started wondering afar. Thankfully, amidst all this Sharon manage it with a pinch of salt.
"listen to her closely, is she wheezing?"
"change the position she sleeps"
"put the cardigan under her head as a pillow"

Power Mummy, i begin to despise my incompetency to think of all this possibilities.

Anyway, at the end of it all, the doctor advise it was all well, she was prescribe some usual medication & send home to rest. Then Kordia, having woke up from her short nap, was back to her usual happy self & even offering me some alphabets magnet as we chant through the kiddy "1,2,3....A,B,C" song. It was all good & i left for some time-alone with my bestie to catch up.

Despite the initial excitement & plans for KTV & all, by the time we were done with the checkup we were too hungry & could only look forward to dinner. So it was set at XinWang nearby,

I marked down most of my conversation with Sharon because they are in-depth & usually keep me thinking days after . Just like our conversation yesterday was about family, both in-law & own. We spoke about the difficulties of dis-associating ourselves from our family after earning a new family getting married. I spoke about how i will want to achieve the best of both world (ie, if given a choice to choose which parents to stay with us if we ever have to, i cannot decide which choice will seem like a fairer option)

Apart from all that we also spoke about how reality is finally sinking in & truth is our parents are getting older & health issues are slowly knocking on our doors. We adjusted our conversation to how involve we have been after dedicating our lives to the new family we are building, finally we discuss on how i should finally step up & start prepping myself for expansion.

All this thoughts did come across my mind especially family expansion, i had long assumed i was ready for anything to slowly happen like nature has planned, but recently i learnt maybe i wasnt that ready afterall, One particular night, i was toying with the idea of what might change if Rodman & i decide to try for a baby soon. Then one thoughts lead to another & before i can stop it i have lost a considerable amount of sleep panicking,

You always thought you will be ready for something because everyone else have gone through that phase & you are just waiting for your turn, then something strikes & you begin to feel out-of-place because unlike them all, you are not willing to accept the change that accompanies these phases.

i recall a tear jerking conversation with a close friend not too long ago, i learnt that depression & symptoms of associated illnesses are unpreventable & definitely not within control. I tried debating to the said friend that all too many of us think we are extraordinary & if we can only try to accept that we are VERY NORMAL human that can control our thoughts then maybe we will not be the handful of special case that fell into depression. but boy, was i wrong!  i know i might have touch or open a taboo part of this conversation because said friend almost had an "attack" there & then trying to explain why i was so wrong on my thinking.    Since that incident i learnt that i was being selfish because i assume everyone had the will power to control their thinking.  Now that i think back, after coming out from the darkness period following the yishun terror trauma, i had also encounter myself, how impossible it is to do what your mind tells you to do.

It is very possible that someone who is very involved in their emotions at a current period will not be able to detach themselves because it is not within their ability.The period can last for as long as forever & it is proven so many times that there is not yet a solution for this, some depressed people manage to live each passing with what is left of their willpower & a tiny glimpse of hope that tomorrow things might change. Those who lost that last bit of hope seek the last option of ending the problem, thou we cannot fathom why every bit of willpower is lost, we cannot blame them because like we already know, it is not in their ability to do so.

  You wouldn't ask an old person for youth because you know they can't, likewise why will you ask a depressed person for happiness if they cannot? 

my thoughts are all over the place but that sums up all the stuff i have been thinking lately, i bet by next week the subject will change, so here's marking them down for some Deja Vu in future when i got summon for this topic again.

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

Starting all over again

I am disliking the old blogskin but have gotten too rusty to editing a new one so this will have to do for now.

i have return from the wedding Honeymoon & alot has took place over the long holiday, mostly stuff that make me appreciate all that i have now, but long story short- i am writing all over again because
1. Blogspot hasn't died, or vanish as with old time blogs like Multiply..etc
2. It has play a large part of my teenage life & i want to bring it over as i grow older
3. I feel less alone when i share, even if no one is watching

There, there, there were new options in the market but mostly were off limits, there is [Dayre] that i follow closely, tumblr that is a collection of all the interesting people that i am not. and bottomline is, i have used blog from as far back as i can remember, surely something inside what i have written will one day mean much more to me.

Anyway, here are some stuff off tumblr that clearly define me from maybe you, credits: 2kindsofpeople

i would rather be a 24hrs chrono watch person because i am the sort that makes stupid mistake like arrange for a meetup indicating for 8am when i really meant 8pm, which brings me to add that i sometimes speak stupid like " let's meet at 2030 this evening" ...
Definitely eat WITH the seeds, whats the big deal about eating melon seeds anyway? i am clearly a daredevil that is fully prepared for seeds-pooping nightmare as you can tell... and no i am not about to plant a melon tree in my stomach, TYVM
i took a second look at this image & consider if i belong specifically to either side The correct choice will be the blue side, because Timmy (name of my car) is a tiny 660cc engine car that is so tiny by the time i am parked, even if i am slanted (clearly i meant slant within my parking frame), i am not very bothered to adjust them, you should see how little space Timmy took in a parking lot, i have hear enough comment about my car 'wasting" parking lot because quite frankly Timmy can jolly well fit into a motorbike slot if i choose to...

i know, i am jealous of the owner too :)
up to this point, despite my "effort", i am not born with a green finger

i am adament someday this will change and i can be like my successful friends who cook using herbs they pluck off their garden, but till that day come.... i better stop harming more plants

oh, and rest in peace, my dragonfruit plant which was dump due to its withered state early november 2015.
i laugh quite loudly at this one, i am the BLUE for sure, i sold a 7year old laptop away, with the label still proudly bearing Intel Core I, not ashame...

shakes head, i am really not ashame man
time to distinguish you from me...  YELLOW for me

i don't get how car owner can stand the sight of an weird bulge while you drive, even if it brings you sweet scent, i paste dashboard fragrance to avoid this sort, often it is Hello Kitty's
Clarinda reading this would be so good, we were just talkin about this weeks back, paperback for me hands down, kindle is good but the feeling is too surreal it makes me uneasy

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Last night was fantastic, i haven had that kind of bond with besties not since our school days, we remain as best friends for the past years & she always had that special place in my heart. Yesterday was just this evening that everything literally click, i found my answer to some pre-existing problems i am facing & i helped her solved some of her problems too.. 

i went home fulfilled &  saw the face of a satisfied bbbb who had felt equally good about this meetups with his cousins, then we went to bed feeling a good wednesday. 

We even made an effort to take more pictures together, the past few meetups we rarely capture (thou the pictures mostly still satisfy)some shots that i felt was good enough to be developed, hence the following pictures should be shared :)

Here is my best friend & i, both turning 29 & were best friends since we were 13.. 


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Happy 7th year dating anniversary

I am happy,
Happy because today is the day I experience goosebump when Rodman hold my hand, in the middle of the shaving cream aisle, in the now demolished NTUC that used to sit in the heart of Serangoon garden – affectionately known as chomp chomp. Right after we had his favorite Hokkien mee cooked by this Uncle that had cooked the same prawn mee for the past 20 years.   He was wearing a soccer jersey as usual, nothing fanciful & I worn a black corporate blouse (typical from G2000 nothing special kind) with a black jean, it was the standard uniform to work in the now closed-down Canele & I had agreed the night before to meet him for breakfast because – we were still friend.

We were still friend because I had rejected him just 3 days ago when he text to proposed if I could be his girlfriend, reason being because it was 08August2008 & it would be perfect to win the girl he fancy on 08.08.08… it was the lousiest pick-up lines ever so I had to reject him – I was not some 4D lucky number & I was worth a lot more – hello!!~   So on 10august2008 2 days after he got rejected, he asked if we could still hang out for breakfast tomorrow – like friends…. And then I was conned out of sympathy (muahahhha)… haha.. in a good way…

And I had rejected him 3 days before today- 7 years ago not because I don’t feel a thing, but I was uncertain. Uncertain because I was caught in the middle of a break up that sort of shook the earth, major- at least to 21 year old me- because I have dated Bobo for too long… & even so we had drag the break up for months, more than half a year after we call it quit.    I allow myself to stayed on the break up because I wasn’t sure if it was the correct things to do. I am a perfectionist so leaving a guy I dated for too long only mean I must have taken a wrong step somewhere. Anyway, Rodman help sieve me through my train of thoughts I guess. At least on 11august2008 after he drop me off at Bishan MRT station for work I sat through the whole train journey thinking about the “holding hands”.. and e.v.e.r.y single time I re-enact that scene in my mind… my hair stand, shiver, whatever you call it lah, my heart also skip a beat, literally all the lyrics you’ll hear from some corny love songs.  There & then I wanted to make it right, really removed anything that can possibly jeopardize this relationship- once & for all. I stopped contacting Bobo or his friends after that, it took slightly more than a month to really completely cut all ties (announce to family, friends, his family, colleagues..etc)… but looking back – it was the proudest moment because I had done it all by myself – just to keep& cherish that “holding hand” shiver, skipping heartbeat feeling that I felt on 11august2008.

7 years on we got married & he is this amazing guy that stood by me despite many of our indifferences, in between he had seen more than the perfectionist me & choose to stay on.  By now, most of what we share on 11august2008 has more or less reach their closure, but our feelings remain strong, in a different way.

Today my feeling for Rodman is a strong protective one,
I want to do everything to see him smile, to smile for me.
I want wake up in the middle of the night & know he is calm & asleep so it is all good.
I want to accompany him to his favorite hangout even though I had spent all of 7 years to try to enjoy these places but to no avail.
I want him to correct me when I put on the smart-Kristal-persona & vomit all the information I have on challenging topics that can easily fool everyone but him.
I want him to feel all proud when he present his home-cook noodle & then get really nervous while I took the first bite.
I want him to sheepishly blurt out “it is overcooked sorry…” then feel upset about his bad judgment & then I will tell him “it’s not that bad”.

7 years after he garner all his courage to hold my hand, I garner all my ability to keep us together, together despite all our indifferences.

Today I am happy, Clar

Friday, July 03, 2015


i met up with besties yesterday, we had a long chat, 
we dont meet as often as we would have done so when we were younger, 
but it doesnt stop us from chatting on the same old topic we were interested in since 2004. 

Our conversation this time revolve around families. Sharon is the most contented person i have known. 
She admits it herself that she is very simple minded (in a very good way) & only sees the good in everything. 
i can vouch for that fully, Sharon is always happy  & positive & thankful for the smallest things that took place in her life. In fact i have lost count of the number of times i was jealous about her achievement. They could be simple things like being a manicurist, Sharon was proud of her "job", she went on full force as a manicurist & even gave up the privileges of shopping with her salary because manicure didnt earn her enough to head out shopping. Sharon exchange bits of freedom like buying something she likes for her interest in manicure, she was the wisest person ive known to be able to see the joy of losing to gaining more.

 I, on the other hand, am a person who is desperate to achieve, i have always think at my current age i am under achieving, Sharon reminds me all the time how she wishes to be like me, while i crave to be as contented as she would be. However much we feel like being in each others' shoes, we didnt. I guess that is also why we remain as close as we did after all this time. i can imagine myself living the world she lives & she doing the same in my shoes each time we catch up, then we'll each head home satisfied for the amazing journey our conversation took us to. 

Sharon had, by now, started a beautiful family, moved out of both their parents' place & build a house of her own. She is also a hardworking Mum to her beautiful daughter & a part time staff for a small firm. In her free time, Sharon enjoys staying at home going about tending to her house & her dog. Then most of the other time she devotes them to taking care of Kordia. Sharon is very affected by the things that took place in her family, in her latest update she share how they are very concern about Kordia getting sick & her tiny frame. I have concluded - from our conversation - that a child between 2 loving adults shifts the focus away. Unlike Sharon, i begin to fear the time that shall come when Rodman & i expect our own kids. 

From our conversation, Sharon was upset at most things that took place in the presence of Kordia, she tries so many ways to make her baby healthy that i judge myself if i can ever brainstorm all the methods. Then Sharon was particularly upset that Kordia falling sick had affected her husband too. I mean, already getting upset herself was a huge deal for me, to be affected by her upset husband  must be another new level of sadness.   I admitted to Sharon i might not be as benevolent as she was, & if my own kid affects my relationship with my partner, i might be jealous of my own kid. Sharon assured me things will change when i see my own kid, & i too, like her, will devote my everything to my kid, & accepts it if my partner devote HIS everything to the kid too, including sacrificing myself. 

As it turns out, i was affected by our conversation & there were many thoughts running rhrought my mind. "What if, i didnt end up being that sacrificial mother she said i would? What if, i have to challenge my own kid for my husband attention?"     That night after we part ways, i head home & told Rodman about my worries, but Rodman was not the sort to console me with the general "dont you worry" kind words. Sometimes i suspect it is because he could sense my concern was real, & that i would really end up being that kind of selfish Mum i said i would.   Rodman told me he will try his best to devote 51% to me & 49% to the kid, & to return that favor i have to devote 51% to our kid & save 49% for him. It had really sounded likea possible solution, at the expense of loving him lesser, but Rodman says he could deal with it.. 

So why couldnt i?

Again, i began to doubt my ability to be a Mother, but knowing Rodman has his plans that would work in our children's favor, i am consoled. 

So going back to Sharon's concern, i wish she would just have that guts to pour her thoughts to her husband. She always tell me she is bad with words, but i could understand where she felt things wasnt going right, Sharon is the most impartial woman i have come across, in addition to all her worries she wil always put in good words for her husband & from her i learnt that he is the most amazing dad Sharon has found for Kordia & she is very proud of it.


Friday, June 19, 2015

5 months married

So we have been married for 5 months now...  

i used to rely on Rodman for transport around after work (take train to work hor, u think what)... but i hated the motion sickness i suffer from taking train/bus..

In fact the motion sickness got so bad i can board a crowded bus for less than 30secs then beg the driver to let me out, this one time experience was so bad that i didnt dare board any public transport (nor consider cab because Pandan smell is a pain too), i ended up cancelling on Bitch on our very rare meetup, then sit alone under a strange void deck crying my heart out (without tissue, my God Tissue MUST be pack under any situation in future)... 

....anyway.... i called my parents crying & scared them real bad, i gave them a rough description of my location but am unable to reveal anymore. Dont blame Rodman for not showing up because he was busy organising his company's annual Dinner & i threaten to run away if he leaves the dinner premises.. So Rodman beg my parents for help & gave them my location (because he is a PRo, like a real street smart fellow..) & finally after a whirlwind of emotion that spreads over 3 hours, i was picked up by my parents, driven & fed then sent home (My  parent's place)  where i spend the night and the NEXT 3 DAYS after falling in & out of fever.. 

i guess i was scared real scared, that could trigger the ongoing fever, but whatever the case public transport gives me the creep till today... (and that only took place in march 2015 hahaha)

Anyway, i got lucky & work calls for me to get myself a form of transportation so Timmy came along
& Rodman & i spent lesser time together in the morning:(

You know how couple can hold their hands & take the long journey to work together? Yeah we dont do that anymore, but weekend comes along & we still cherish every moment we can spend together lah, so i guess i cannot complaint (afterall Timmy serves as a very very good companion to save me from the strange motion sickness i developed from MRT/bus. 

So for the past like 5 months we've been married we have stayed together at his parents' place. Thanks again to the new duties at work i hardly spent enough time at home so i appreciate even days when we did simple stuff such as watching 5 consecutive  Stephen Chow's movie over Sunday. Even if there was some whining, it had to come from me because Rodman is such a patient (& boring) guy that doing nothing does not irritate him a single bit. So i guess we make a good couple huh? we compliment each other's flaws.. i am unusually someone who sleeps alot (i sometimes consider myself to be insomnia) but thanks to the very dry things we do over the weekend now, i sometimes sleep up to later afternoon then grab a bite before taking another short nap haha.. 

Then again, i cannot say we are living a bad lives because we do more sports than i would have done in my entire life. With him i feel motivated especially because he always seems to win me in alot of things & i enjoy competition. Every now & then we think we had enough then plan for a mini vacation out of Singapore. The last one being Phuket & man it was so enjoyable i wished we had more time together.. 

I know i haven had much to brag especially since we've only been married for 5 months, but i a glad to say we are still walking the show of our very honeymoon period. Which i will consider an achievement since afterall, i knew him since i was fourteen!! Dated him when i was twenty-one then married him now that i turn twenty-eight. They say its a different lives once we got married, but hey, didnt they also say its a different lives once we started dating?.......     Rodman & i have walked past a century of knowing each other i think we can do a bit more.. 

So 5 months into the marriage and there you have, a short summary of us... no i haven't gotten duties & responsibilities since we have the advantage of staying with my in-law who really takes care of the house very well.. but i might drop by some months later & update when the duties roll... i am happily married & still very much in love with this special man, i still feel fluttery talking about him.. so yeah... signing off for now :)

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Etiquette of a man

Maybe i am superficial, but there are some areas i tend to notice while hanging out with male friends that makes me cringe. 
It could be that they see me as another one of those female friends or perhaps the lack of emphasis on etiquette is a common problem among along of SG mens. 

Gladfully, the man i married has no problem with etiquette, all the more reason why the effect on the men when they didnt do such things is amplified. 

Take for example, opening doors for women
we are not feminist & just because a small proportion of our species decided they are done allowing mens the chance to prove their gentlemen-ness, does not mean the men can slack & walk ahead slamming the door in our face. 
This, i said with a heavy heart because even friends that i meet on "daily" (work together, stay nearby..etc) have this issues. 
And to top it off, because i see myself as less of an importance to this guys because i.e i am married, they have a steady partners, i make the effort to open the doors for them, holding it open while they walk past me without even a "thank-you" 

Men, do you really think this is the era you can slap on some lip balms, wear pink/purple tee from Abercrombie & declare it your favorite shades of fashion & then struts your assets carrying bags on your arm after anyone (men & women) who keeps the door open for you, hold the lift till you enter, holds the food tong in the buffet line till you are done selecting the biggest lobsters before moving onwards to next dish? I dont get it, a simple "thank you" is all it takes for you to be a gentlemen, or have you took the meaning of gentlemen as being men that are generally too "gentle"?

Apart from this "problem" that seems to exit with the guys i befriended, i also notice mens are way past the stage of sharing, in this sense the sharing of food. i enjoy buying an extra set of breakfast for a friend if we are meeting for the rest of the day because, lo & behold, i cannot have you staring or salivating at my food without offering to share them with you then minding the fact that i have smear them good food with my own saliva.   but this guys, really, this guy, he takes the breakfast like it was a matter of fact - then every full brown moon offers to buy breakfast in return. Only the moon does not turn brown for God knows how long so with that schedule on the Calendar, i also did not enjoy the fruit of sharing after offering him breakfast for months. I can count the no. of times he decided to treat us a round of drinks but reminded us, like a cranky old radio on repeat, that he has paid off his "debt" with this treat.  

It's a pain, really, to keep my mouth shut trying not to "remind" him in return to take into account all the food we have share with him for this God-sent cup of free drink. Nevertheless, when this happens i can only put the blame on myself for expecting kindness to beget kindness but God forbid mankind to think this way.   Some people need to be push by pressure, and only if the society comes together to act unanimously like a gentlemen can we expect him to do the same. 

Of course there are always the flip side of the coin for every form of argument, and i accept not every men thinks it was "worthy" (seriously, you need to find worth to appear a nice guy.. really?) to be gentlemen since i am of no value to them. Some men may also find standing on the side of the road that has first contact with the traffic when walking with a woman as unneccessary. Some men told me it is a form of training for when the woman is alone without a man to help, and all the other form of reason i find acceptable.... 

Which still brings me back the point, do you really need to find the worth for being a gentlemen? Literally? Because otherwise, we will definitely see you the way you want to be seen - as a man who expects everything in return. .. and of course, if that is the way you want to be recognise, then i'm sorry to think of you otherwise... 

man.. you need to be start acting like a man.. period.


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

i didn;t post this before.. written before our wedding








Stay with me wont you?

i dislike the feeling of breaking into cold sweat & my heartbeat skipping many beats whenever i took a break off work to think about the advance steps i've taken so far.

In a matter of weeks, i've put down most of my savings, took a serious loan from the Hub & gotten myself a mini car. So excited!!~ and so flooded with worries, safety on the road, braking power, how to afford this new toy & the main purpose of them all - how to use this car to serve my new role at work better.

i know  i haven blog for a while, when life gets dull then i stop penning them down. You see, i read back on my entries every now  & then to amuse myself. So i want every entries to be re-readable worthy.

So here's marking the halfway milestone of my resolution in 2015.

i recall in 2013, i make the resolution to fix my crooked teeth for the wedding & got myself a driving a license. Fortunately - unfortunately- the plan took me longer than i would have planned. By 24mar2014, i successfully gotten my driving license & survived many heart attacks from driving.

i didnt get to drive much thou, after a few stints of nearly risking the lives of my love ones.. i think i cried a bucket after each close shave & encounters. The one man to sit through it all is the Hub, who is in the passenger seat in EVERY of my bad encounters. 

Around Jan 2015, i buck up & borrow the car from my parents, told Hub i need to do it myself. Drove to airport fetch Clar & D & took them home - and that was it!~ 

i think we all need that one push on the back to buck up, and i am glad my friends gave me that support. Not that i am a very safe driver now, but i will work super super hard to be one. 

i think Rodman is such a selfless man when it comes to my welfare. As far as i can remember he has been improving the standard of our living & my life by the day. Sometimes i forget to look back on the bad days in life & demanded more. Rodman keeps me in check & i know he dont say this much, but i have probably exhaust all his patience ever since we got married! 

I am a demanding & selfish person as it is, and i know where all my flaws are. Yet when it comes to benefit myself, i spare no change & cannot settle for less. I guess i married the right man because he has been trying & trying to talk me through everything that i wanted to do. As much as he hopes he can continue to send me to work, i went ahead & wanted to get a car anyway. There is no comparison on the things he can do for me, and i appreciate them all so much. 

We've been married for 3 months now, seeing each other everyday proves to be easier than i thought it would be. For years, i make extra effort to cut down on our dates & meetups for fear the day where we see each other everyday things will go wrong. So far, apart from the nits & bits of unfamiliarity i've experience away from "home", my new "home" is as long as he is there. 

Moving on to new job scope has been the 2nd greatest challenge since 2015, apart from starting a family as the first. i think i like the feeling of being busy becuase i haven stop my motion for a while now. Wedding-- taiwan -- business trips with Hub -- buy a car -- planning more business trips -- newjob scope - Bam, bam,bam.. its this then that then this then that and i am running on vpower engine.. 

Somedays i'll look back & recall how i went overboard with challenges when i turn 28, removing myself from the norms & throwing myself out there to the male-dominated industries, if i keep my spirits high & positive, stay with me wont you?