Tuesday, January 31, 2012

3 days till we say goodbye

Today I had an important task... At first I was feeling down... I was talking to myself (like how we all carry a conversation in our head)and then I realise how much I had ignore Kristal=( Even thou I dun go into details about my fear of the upcoming op. I was actually affected, this is with evident from the nights I woke up from nightmares. These nightmare include scenes where I woke up from the op tk find the stomach looking as big as it still is after Timmy was remove, or scenes about the cancellation of the op due to the doctor mention it was not necessary.

i dislike how i dont address my problem directly and throw the responsibilities to the people around me to take care of them. Last night when i return home, Dad had me sat down in front of the TV, turns out he caught an episode about women who had problem with their digestive system and he wanted me to note a point. In the episode a lady who sister-in-law undergo an op to remove her cyst (there were loads of them, some big and small) attributed the root to drinking iced water.

i dunno how much this is true, but i have heard how alot of older ladies were discouraging woman from drinking iced water. Say it will make the period harder to handle, and how it will clot ur blood.

i got to admit this lesson learnt was an important one. Back when i was working at Takasago, i remember seeing the entire process of a colleagues from the time she found out she was pregnant till the point her beautiful son came to earth. i remember how everyone had something to said about confinement period, about the food that should be eaten what ought to avoid.

I am a extra fussy eater, my parents had difficulty convincing me food was edible when i was a kid, in summary to me --> whatever doesnt look good wouldnt taste good... here are a list of food i've missed out, just to name a few
  1. pig innards, every part of it that does not look like minced meat is avoided
  2. Octopus and Squids, their tentacles freak me out too much
  3. Red meat with the exception of minced meat (i love wantons)... no beef, no lamb,
  4. no seabass
  5. no brinjal
  6. bitter gourd when it's not cut till it looks better
  7. frog leg if it's not removed from the bone
  8. chicken if its not remove from the skin or contain bone
  9. ONION (i absolutely detest this)
and so you see... having me eat anything that is good for my health (/Vinegar pig trotter, pork liver soup, pork belly soup, beef for the iron to build my blood counts) is absolutely impossible. My dad successfully trick me into eating pork liver when i was younger, but as i grew older and knew wat it was.. .i stopped.

Perhaps this adds up to my bad health now, i have no body to blame but myself (when i was 7 mum said Red meat cause body odor and i swear off red meat forever)

.... dropping the food topic because it feels like a slap on my face for the condition that i;ve landed myself onto.. therefore ladies... avoid chilled drinks pls....  (Who says we cannot drink soft drinks? as long as its pokka green tea, crysanthemun tea, 100 plus... we are safe drinking them with LESSER ice)

as i was walking along the street of town last night as i wait for Paperstop, i had an enlightenment.... i realise for the past 3 years or so ever since i gave Timmy his own identity, i've been talking to myself as thou he was an old friend.... this also means i've ignore Kristal for the longest time..

Timmy was a friend that keep me accompanied at night.... some days when i reach bottom-end bored, i;ll placed my hands on Timmy and i can hear my own heartbeat..... these years shall be treasured because i know he is about to leave me.

Am i scare about the OP? i seriously am, but i am not going to talk about it with others... when the tots flow i'll type them out on my blog, and the words came out smoothly...     Mum has been asking around for medication to balance my health when the op is over... she got me redoxen which i'll pop into my drink everyday to build on my vitamin C.... Mum and Dad also brought us all to several temples and i would pray wholeaheartedly for something i havent asked for a long time... i prayed for good health, for myself and everyone around...

i prayed no one has to rely on other people to take care of their health, that will have been too late.  Sometimes now i wonder what had kept me from visiting a doc earlier? Why had i stare at Timmy and believe it was all fats? Maybe it was and look like it... why hadnt i want to lose weight so badly that i visit a doc to ask for diet pills?

All these could lead me to discover Timmy;s real identity earlier,...

but its not too late now... right?

After today, i am 2.5days away from leaving Timmy.. my mind send signal hourly to remind me of this matter... its Timmy Timmy and Timmy.... where's Kristal?

Its my birthday today... Its Kristal's birthday today, she chose to sit in a office to blog about it while Timmy has the luxury of hospital stay...    SFSDGSZDFXCVQASDFcasdfcklsdncmx,vnopasdadasdasdadasdas

*stomping on the keyboard because at this point i remembered how Paperstop says i have identity crisis... ahahha

i need to stop blogging now.. get my heart right, celebrate KRISTAL's birthday... i am going to buy Kristal a present.. online shopping =)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Procedures...and Luck

You know how i mention keeping a positive mind affects the luck of anyone? i meant it. i guess perhaps i wasnt keeping myself happy enough thus lately everything seems pretty screwed up.

like few days after i learn i am due for an op, i witness a crime scene. On my way to work last monday i caught sign of a police cordon area and a body wrap in a white plastic. It dint take very long for the colleagues to spread the rumor and how he was supposedly killed before being placed on the tree to enact a suicide. And busybody me was so curious about this matter i asked my bro, who is a policeman about the case. Gary confirm suicide is possible if the person had deliberately kept his knees bended despite having a a noose around his neck, all he had to do was to stay determine and not stand straight up, he shall STILL be strangled. Another myth broken was that it is POSSIBLE for a person's tongue NOT to stick out despite being hanged. The position in which he had hung himself will bring about diff posture. Therefore, he excuse all rumor that it was murder, nevertheless, this did not stop policemen from questioning all suspicious character. That day after work i was boarding the train in Pioneer and alot of foreign worker that day had to be stopped by police for question.

Then on tuesday i went to work per normal and all of a sudden came down with a fever. The rush came so fast i had to cancel my meetup with bbbbbb and his friends and crawl home to rest. I popped 2 panadol extra thinking it could help but this morning i am down with a fever.

i pop another 2 panadol extra and here i am at work. Gonna pop another panadol later and pray hard the fever will go away soon.... Den as if the BAD LUCK wont come faster i receive the first ever negative complain from the US about the mistake i made... thank God for the very nice managers who put in good words for me and mention i was relatively new and needed a bit more time to get use... it had still demoralizes me big time.... Finally i request for the manager to write an email back to US seeking their help to identify where the mistake possibly lies. Afterall, if its an unconscious mistake make on my part, i would need to find the root of it and prevent it from happening again.


you know, when i was a kid i was never too minded about fengshui and luck. perhaps also because nuttin wasnt too serious to feel the consequences. As i grow older i begin to seek comfort in amulet and crystal. i am a free thinker but knowing there are "things" that makes things smooth is such a comfort.

Nowadays when i attribute everything to bad luck, bbbb always laught it off as me being silly.. i guess i have to admit i was being silly, but this sort of shifting the blame was better than blaming myself for having a bad body grooming that cause the fever.

Moving on, i am finally reaching the first quarter of my life. Turning 25 wasnt something i had look forward to. Besides, the peaks i had about life stays at 21(finally adult), 27(my ideal marriage age), 30(my career should bounce far ahead) and 60(grandchildren!). This year's birthday should be a quiet affair.

i had arrange with the few very precious people of my life to celebrate the day by eating seafood. My excuse was since i might have to skip seafood for a while after the op, why not eat it now?  Thanks for the awful fever right now, otherwise everything would have been nicely arranged. please God let me recover well for the op..... i cannot afford another day of torture if i have to delay the op date because i wasnt feel well.

Last night i had dreamt 3 times about my op, all three dreams were relatively similar..... it revolves around the idea that after Timmy was removed my stomach had look equally big.. Not like this matters to me because i simply cannot imagine myself having a flat stomach after "owning" Timmy for like 8 years? i never really see myself thin before so cannot put that image to place.

However, the dream was surreal, i had woken up to find my wound, did not felt the pain, and my stomach was very much bloated. Den i look around and see ppl celebrating the success of my op, but where was the different? Perhaps i've been stressing myself too much into attributing all positiveness of the op onto how i was going to achieve a wonderful Bod... and suddenly i am scared i wont get them!

One fortune teller correctly advice me in August 2011 that i am expecting something major to take place along my left arm OR tummy. After confirm my op date i seek his help again to determine if 3rd feb was a ok date. He took the calendar, ask for my zodiac, date of birth and time as usual. Den went quiet for  a while.... perhaps he was looking for a better date but the silence killed..... In the end, against bbbbbbbbb's wish, i abruptly stop his thinking and ask 如果我坚持要2月3号开刀会发生什么事?he look at me and said "dun worry you'll be fine"

This experience is awkward,,. but do i see is as a good sign - yes... it was a huge relief... i also asked him if i might lose my entire womb due to the op... he tell me all shall be fine... =)

For those of you who dunno the risk of my op by now, simply put i've placed myself into 3 scenarios having gone thru the op
1. i am removing an extra large cyst measuring 25cm x 18cm,and i'll be fine
2. i am removing an extra large cyst sitting on my left ovary and as such, i'll have the left ovary remove as well
3. i am removing an extra large cyst that has damage my entire uterus therefore the doc has to remove my entire ovary and uterus but promise to save an egg if they find one

i wont die, i wont live in hell, but i was responsible for producing a baby i can love and hold. And now, i might risk losing this chance forever. When you were little you always go on and on about how pregnancy hurts and you rather not have kids.... Now trying placing yourself in my shoe and imagining - you are about to lose the chance of even conceiving, so would you rather want to have kid, or know for sure "i am unable to conceive".

i dunno how to choose

but kids were important to me because i adore them, therefore my decision made to the doc was "if you see my uterus damage, DO NOT REMOVE THEM"

at least wait till i experience carrying a child, den remove them

A mother's love for their kid is unexplainable, this is portray on movie, in books and during Moral education. I haven been a mum before, but i will like to have that experience. Therefore, even if it risk my life, let me try to have a kid... this is my life.... so respect my decision.

but you see, i MIGHT survive this op luckily without removing another part other than Timmy.... the anxiety.. the uncertain feeling of not knowing what exactly is going to be remove.....

do you see why i had been this emotional?... awwww... i hate drama with bad endings i tell you.... i cried a river watching "My sister's Keeper",,, i hate knowing how a person knows exactly how they will like to sacrifice themselves.... but this time.. i wanna do the same =)

i hope this entry sums up all that shall happen on 3rd Feb 2012 at NUH - National University Hospital =)


Friday, January 13, 2012


you know... across the years i've been experiencing many changes.

Some of those are part of growing up.. others are the kind you have not fucking idea how it came about.. "but now that you face shit, you suck thumb"Haha....

 Every single trip back to NUH reminds me of very day my grandma left me..
-  the massaging of her hands, all swollen from drips.
- the eyes half closed, the breathing through the tube leading into her throat...
- the clearing of mucus using the sucking equipment the nurse had taught me to use after her constant choking on phelgm and due to her not salivating..

Then the memories proceeded to the very night i saw a dark shadow standing behind me, and all of a sudden there was my grandma, with both eye widely open.
i could figure out the vivid shadow of my late grandpa, and not wanting to disturb their last moment together, i simply watch as she stare into the thin air behind me, then there was tears... just a little bit.

Reality sunk in harder than it thought, not soon after she lay her eyes to rest again, a moth came by, it stayed put by my grandma's ward and another night was gone.

My grandma passed away a day later... and i knew who could have came to fetch her =)

Drawing myself back to reality, who would have thought the next time i visit the hospital (apart from the previous time Dad was caught with a stomach flu) was to get myself treated.

I know my situation isnt nearly as close to life-threatening, it was simply a simple solution to get rid of Timmy, my buddy/mate/something i talk to/like the soft toy you hug to bed.

I have never been admitted to a hospital, this shall be my first. Within 3 days since i make up my mind to pursue the bottom of this matter, i had seen numerous fast-forward images flashing through my mind.. .

i had lie on at least 4 high bed, facing the ceiling, i;ve done ultrasound after ultrasound... i started as someone who could only figure out (ovary, uterus, collon, pelvis bone) to a person who had to understand what cystectomy compromises, and all the scenarios i am likely to fall under.

called to book an ultrasound.. i need to figure out what Timmy was... My gynae was an old chinese man name Dr John. He was blunt, sharp with his words..

The Nurse asked what my husband name was, bbbbbb was a little embarressed, i told her i wasnt pregnant, and her next assumption was wedlock....

i told her the root of my appointment... i wasnt pregnant, dont have a chance to... and this (*pointing to Timmy)   was the problem.... she was shocked, asked about my mensus cycle.. and put on hold all the other ladies in line, usher me into the room, and got me to lie on the bed...

i din like being told to pull my knickers lower... it felt rude.... then the ultrasound was done.. i was giggling at the weird feeling... assuming i was playing the role of a preg on tv..

Then the gynae got fiercer.. and i had to keep my jokes to myself... they ask me

"WHY DID YOU WAIT THIS LONG TO CHECK ON YOUR TUMMY?" (this is the first out of many times i heard from then on... )

i saw Timmy on the screen.. When Dr John mention it's big, i had tot this was only a normal comment made by any doc to scare the patients..

Then once everything was over, he told me the seriousness of Timmy, it could/could not be a cancerous cyst, but he wont be able to tell... so it was a MRI scan for me next.. i begged for a confirmation that its a fibroid... he wouldnt say it...

i cry a little.. Then his assistant had to calm me down... she whisper some chant into my ear... make me  remind myelf all shall be fine... then she called the hospital.. and a MRI scan was booked.


After  a long night of crying and having bbbbb to comfort me... i was finally persuaded by Mau, Dad and Mum to proceed with the MRI scan just to make sure..  Mau suggested i called a govt hospital to check the rates (Since the initial MRi was booked at Mount A .. and can cost me up to $700)

I spoke to my manager at work, she is a very very nice lady who's very concern about me.. (and the same lady who insist i did my ultrasound scan earlier than i had wanted to) (AND the same lady who called Dr John to arrange my appointment)... she proceeded downstairs to seek some solution...

what seems like hours later i was whisked onto a colleague's car, reach polyclinic, lie on the bed - , told to take the rest of the day off and head to NUH immediately... she passed me a envelope with printings that include "DIRECT ACCESs"..

bbbbb took the day off to accompany me... then the sequence became messier..

  • reception:
Weight : 51.2kg @2.35pm
  • Room 1: Dr Sabrina Ng lie on the bed - 

  • Room *: Blood test by a pregnant nurse who smiled and my tummy, i assume she believe we were both on the same boat
  • Room 2A: 2 nurses who did my ultrasound--> Lie on the bed - "WHY DID YOU WAIT THIS LONG TO CHECK ON YOUR TUMMY?"
  • Room 1: bad news by Dr Sabrina Ng.
and then came my annoucement..................................................
Hi all, thanks for the concern.

I cannot express how much the support has pull me through. My op is schedule on 3rd Feb, there are risk inclusive but i suppose God will pull me through this =) Help me keep a positive mind, it brings me good luck... hurhurhur.

Lets just hope after this op, i can see a good, healthy Kristal without Timmy. I'll keep in mind how all the support i've received means i need to be well to update you all about the good news =D Let's cross our fingers together


Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Within a short span of less than a hour, i did a life changing decision to head to the woman clinic.

i am finally going to do something about Timmy.

i know how i nv go about addressing my health issues directly with much ppl. Here, now, i am going to express every feelings i harbour for Timmy, before the doctor advice me... the perception may be wrong, bias and untrue but they are the hidden feelings.. towards the life living inside me, exceot this is something that i cannot love.

Having start off at young age with a smaller frame, i was never quite known as the bigger girls in comparison to my other cousins.... i was short, and i was delicate, i avoided sport and basically i live my life as a young girl who had believe she was sweet.

Moving onto primary school, my weight begin to increase, bit by bit... this was when puberty started and our lady waist developed, despite understanding the changes that is taking place, i hated my waist. Besides, knowing how our family was always facing financial issues, i treasure each and every piece of the pass-me-down, not to mention the school uniform that was issued to me.   When the waist started swelling into what was commonly known as "hourglass" shape. I was mortified and tried all sorts of means to hide them. i insisted on wearing the same skirt (it started out below the knees and when i grad it had gradually move above the knees,,,) throughout 6 years in school. When the skirt could no longer contain the curves on the waist, i worn my skirt without the buttons, den off went the zip and finally, at primary 6 before graduatig into a secondary, i had worn my skirt simply by slipping them out and they'll stay at the waist..

Timmy started developing ever since i got into secondary school, my weight was yoyo-ing between 49~58 thru out school terms and by secondary 3, i was called to enter the taf-club (trim and fit club for the overweight). i was depressed, but the teachers had motivated me constantly with the reminder that i was close from getitng out (standing at 1.54cm, weight to achieve was 53kg).
Did i try hard enough? i dunno, i had a boyfriend then and there were ppl pursuing me this i believe my ego won mental and i was feeling pretty ok with myself.. i stayed in Taf club till i grad from school.

 i couldnt tell that Timmy had grown by then because those memories only included myself feeling, looking fat.

as i entered jc, i was immediately transferred into taf club, continue the weekly run n changed my diet, with my close friend Sam, we begin our yong-tau-foo soup only diet...

by then i had been getting relatively good result during Napfa, i was a silver medalist by sec6, JC and comes Poly i was among the top silver (literally meaning Gold) medalist... i was good with sports, and i psych myself into believe i had muscle....

When i bath and saw Timmy, i assume immediately this was my muscle, except halfway there. Timmy felt hard, and filled. It was the flabby fat kind of tummy, when i breathe in hard enuff, i had pecs!   i was excited and keen on buidling up my body, but the weight din go away.. during poly days i had gone down from a steady 58kg till 53kg... and it had remain stagnant..

after graduating from poly and moving on to uni, i stopped school completely for a while to work and earn some money, i started out as a very sloppy girl who couldnt dress right, but working in town helps and in a short while i begin to be sensitive towards my body.

i kept a close lookout on my figure and watch my diet strictly.. my weight remains at 53kg but my limbs had tone by a bit. i head to the beach often and tann a tone body that i like.. from the front i look hot, but from the side it was dissapointing.

during photoshoot i had to wear a bustier to keep the tummy in place but the bulk was obvious from the side. Since my face had fats still i wasnt too bothered and life was good.

timmy has become prominent with the years, as it continues to bloat.. while my body frame just got smaller and smaller....

i know its hard to explan how a person shrink.... lets say i use to be 154cm tall, right now i can barely pass 1.52cm....  my arms went became smaller and so did my thigns... my face got sharper and sharper.. .everything but Timmy.... it was getting bigger..... even the poor waist could no longer take the bloat, my waist was/is a good 28/29 inches but Timmy is 34/35inches at its maximum... i was getting desperate..

den lately came the sudden weight loss, i guess by now, at age 24 turning 25, i am a adult that has good self control, with my  constant diet watch, and since i swear off red meat since a tender young age, my weight stays at 50kg, sometimes lesser...

But Timmy, on the other hand, bloat to its maximum, even the parents who use to complain of my stomach now advice me to have the stomach checked. in the wee morning as i wake up from bed, i weight a good 50 kg on average if Timmy is good, by 6pm that day, my weight increases to a shocking 54kg..... it vould be the water i drink, and i dun blame Timmy for this.... but weight wasnt a issues now, i was more concerna bout my outlook than anything else...

Over a casual talk with a friend lately, she notice the bulk and convince me to run a check on it, having just completed a fibroid operation herself, she could tell i seem to be suffering all the symptoms as she did, except mine looks abnormally huge.

i wasnt so keen on checking on Timmy cos i had gotten use to ppl giving up their seats for me, or how they wanted to know when i was due... but then bbbbbbbbb started saying how its a waste the Tummy spoilt my outlook,. and den came comment from Mum that Timmy is overempowering a large part of my body...... my bones were becoming obvious from dealing with the bulk at the front.....

my frame got smaller and the Stomach continue to enlarge. Into my new job today, my supervisor was very concern and offer to call up her gynae for me, upon confirmation from Mum (who sincerely drove to my office to pass me some $) i book a ultrasound scan later in the afternoon....

i need to know what exactly is wrong with Timmy... but i dunno what to pray for, i dunno if i shud pray there isnt anything inside (then why the bloat) and i am scared to pray there were something inside (and i had to operate on them.. )

its a dilemma, but thank God i had my family, my friends, my colleagues and my boyfriend to stand by me during this time..... here;s blogging abt this situation and i shall update upon hearing from the doctor.

Wish ... me.. luck... for anything u hope i shall have.. thanks peeps


Tuesday, January 03, 2012

heartfelt thank-you

Amazing dont you think?

How we were complaining about time moving so slowly, and all of a sudden, a year had passed.
Christmas seems to come too soon, so did National day, NYE and sadly... my birthday =(

i counted my blessing before the end of 2011, the later part of the year wasnt all that blessful but who am i to complain?

i am not usually a optimistic when it comes to family affair, thank God for the people around me to summarize details here and there about some events during the year that had make lives much much bearable. So here's a sincere Thank-you to you-know-who for playing such major roles in my life =)

Some major issues in 2011 include the end of my school terms, a forcefully strong impact, a very new feeling of breaking free, an sudden-enlightenment of growing up. A new found financial responsibility towards contributing to the family, a sudden surge of plans ahead that wouldnt allow to be "think/thought about" while being in Uni.

i found a new job, a good environment with relatively funny and nice people, work wasn't a chore, and thank God for this opportunity else i would be stuck looking out for the other options i had. I was offered:-
  1.  a job by Charles & Keith - a position that allows me to fly around and work on creating branding,
  2. a job by Panasonic - a supply-chain managment exec that deals with customer from the start till the end of their order processing,
  3. a job in NOOCC - a marketing exec that pays well but really does nothing besides household labor and receive endless unreasonable request from the boss, whom i believe does not have what it takes to manage a business
  4. a job in The Learning Lab - nice people, good opportunity, but a silly decision by me to leave due to unfavorable long term goals of mine.
  5. a long term position in Takasago - the company i've served for the past few years and who had paid most of the school fees for me... i had to let go of these because i felt i hadnt experience the world outside and by commiting to this job, i would want to serve a lifetime there.
and the list goes on..... however these are the few that had left footprints in my mind, to be remembered and note about my strenght (marketing, HRM, promoting and good communication skills) and weakness (failure to completely read a contract and discover loopholes in many of the requirement cited).   My ultimate job choice was a golden opportunity that cousin had to give up on to attain her life long dream, so i seize the opportunity and here i am now =)

Apart from the job, in the year 2011, bbbbbbbbb and i took a more serious outlook towards creating a future together, i wouldnt say we have a concrete plans as of now, but i am glad he finally took this move, and i am glad my mind is pretty much set on the partner i foresee myself spending my life with <3. Is it really too early to tell or make such decision? i dunno how the other think, neither do i confirm if whatever's set in  my mind now is a impromptu decision, but what i do know, is that this guy (Rodman, my boyfriend of 3~4 years) had been through so much with me, and that i've knew about his existence for almost 10 years now...... not much of the impression has changed..... perhaps something about him had already been deep set rooted in my mind, but if one day either one of us had to bid goodbye first, i am certain he will always held an important space in my heart.

in the year 2011 i lost a couple of friends - i guess i just wasnt so keen on trying too hard to win them. Some friends of mine proves to be heaven and earth for a portion of my teenagehood, then comes the times (in 2011) where i seriously thought about how they really stand as a friend - true friends? best friends? close-knitted friends? friends that waits for me to ask them out? friends that look for me when they need companion?     Then those that had pops-in- and -out....i said Goodbye..... or more like, i waited to see when they will realize true friends stays.... if not the physical person then the soul,..... true friends are those you think about when you think of "friends"

in the year 2011, i came to realize friends like Clarinda...... cannot be missing, i dunno why it took me this long to realize she was the missing puzzle between Pau and i....... Pauline and i are not best friends, we are not the kind to stick around, hangout tgr, dress the same, or the sort to benchmark against each other... Pauline and i bonded really well, but with Clarinda, i realise it makes a complete picture... i dunno how we could all sit tgr and talk like nothing really matters... but i am glad that besides the special bond they share with each other, there is another portion of this friendship we 3 share that is different from the one they held tgr,... complicating.. IKR

in the year 2011, i texted my best friend Sharon and admitted how much i've missed her.... our friendship wasnt strong to withstand the obstacles in our lives. So this year, we strived tgr to make it works, infact, i sort of treat this affair like a  man chasing a girl... both of us, we pursue to meetup, to bond and improve on the friendship.

Generally speaking, 2011 wasnt bad at all, i hadnt got much to complain cos i've been to worst. So for 2012, i wasnt very demanding, all i had hope for was for life to be better than 2011, afterall, i have my other half to accompanied me through, and without him i might have to deal with everything differently.

but i have him , dont i?


in 2012, here are a few things I need to note, (just to share):-

a exerpt from a description about me from one of my close friend reads:
"i think you put your partner above you, and you like to fuss over the needs of your partner. and by sharing your burdens and emotions w your partner to will him to help you and this bonds the two of you. and you will not speak bad of him no matter what, because you think and care for his image in front of others. you treat your man like arm candy, you will make him feel like your prized possession that you cant wait to bring him out and show hiim off to the world.
[3:31:24 PM] sgkristal: i think i am comparing myself to my pals too much.. when someone close has somthing ithat i love.. i talk myself out of thinking that way.. along the way my bf may say something that will triggered the memory and i'll blow out of proportion and gets emo..will immediately feel like life is not good.. i am too boring..oh.. and i am always afraid my bf will leaves me

yeah i think your "mood" changes very fast. and everything and anything can trigger something in you. its very hard to grasp what you want or need.and then you dont communicate it effectively... and then you will just like forget it, and try to keep it within yourself hoping it will go away or smthg.

so i guess that very day i learn something about myself.. my insecurity about life, my sudden loss in confidence and my running away from problem, all these seems to describe me perfectly well this 2011..... i dunno if its a good thing... but all this honest feedback from friends makes me wanna change again...

and so........ on top of wanting to change to be a better person.... i also .... chopped .. off,... my.... hair!

Whats a better way to start a new personality than to change your outlook first right?

i dun exactly love my hair now... but i feel different.. and being different is good....

friends who treasure friends starts chasing them back in the year 2012..... i will need to start by penning down some goals in life for the year 2012.... shall be back to note it down =)

and a heartfelt thank you to those who bothers to finish readng this long.. and draggy.... post...

you know how much it meant to me.... right?