Monday, August 06, 2018

To Baby S & S Mummy

Hello baby S,
you are not mine, or ours but we care so much for you, and even more for your mummy & Daddy that we have known since the dawn of times.

You are a miracle, you were the project your Mummy had so cautiously crafted, and you were adore by many of us even before we seen you. When we did gather to see you for the first time, none of us had the heart to hold you first because you are so delicate, so precious & so perfect. You are still the perfect human your Mummy had painstakingly endure months of pregnancy for.

Dear baby, on that day i held you for the short moments of bonding before i had to give others a chance to greet you, you had help your jie jie because that week i pump even more milk than i ever did in the past months just thinking about your tiny smile, your deep double eye lid & your soft skin. You cannot tell then but we were all super excited to finally meeting you, and also to finally see your Mum beaming with pride on her pretty achievement.

I have known your Mummy for a long time, i didnt know her directly at first, but when i did - she was the amazing friend one had hope to have around, and i was that lucky someone. Your mummy was the ever supportive listener, always gunning for the positive side of every matter. Your mummy supports me even at my lowest point, and she shown up at the hospital bed when i had a minor operation & didnt want to see anyone. Your mummy is the best person to cheer anyone day up, and while she has her doubts & fear, she didnt let it show much & was always the light-spirit happy-go-lucky woman. Your mummy was fearful when she first learnt about your arrival, but like she always did - she make sure she has everything covered & under controlled. Your Mummy is an amazing woman, and i hope someday you will grow up to appreciate all that she have and will be doing for you.

Baby, your arrival wasn't easy, neither was everything in life. Once upon a time, i had Sonia & i - too - live life with fears, sleepless no tomorrow & dragging to let each day passed by so Sonia will grow older & i might just worry lesser. I pray to sleep for the whole of 3 months after the birth of Sonia, for her health, success and safety. These days, i begin to pray again as i fall asleep everynight, because in my prayers i ask for the safety, health & success of You and Sonia. Baby we are all attracted to you before you understood anything, and i hope my prayers are soon to be answer, and i might worry lesser so your Mummy can worry but at ease.

Baby, your Mummy meant alot to many of us, and it breaks our heart to have to hear her sharing worrying updates on you, but i know this is only but a phase, and someday we will look back & smile at how silly it look, when once upon a time, we felt so hopeless we didnt know how things will eventually work out for you & her.

S Mummy, i dont know how to say things to appease the situation because had i been in your condition, i wouldnt want to hear any beat around the bush too. Once upon a time, you were around when i was at the end of the tunnel, not knowing if i should remove my life-creating organ or to persevere onto it in hope that miracles happen soon enough/. You just hang around and watch me in silence, and told me how strong i was. I didnt see it then, but i saw it now - those words - they dont mean a thing then but it was soothing enough to make me feel better. Sorry you dont need them now and i wish i can say things that make you feel better, but feeling better isnt going to change things, and i hope you are stronger than i once was.

Baby, your mummy says she have cry enough tears and it has to stop. So it shall stop, you will grow up happily, unknowing to this time where there are so much uncertainty we were all rooting for your best outcome. Someday, i want to hold your hand & make you smile & that smile of yours will remind me of how it all happen because your Mummy is so so so strong, and she make you that perfect person you will grow up to be. We adore you so much, stay healthy & include us in your life dearie..

Thursday, May 10, 2018

-Primary School -

Growing up, i was neither the pretty next door girl nor one with complexion or hair fashion to envy. If i had to describe myself so you can relate to anyone, i was the class chairperson/monitor/prefect you hate.

My skirt were threatening to burst at the seam. No, my skirt had burst at the seam, the closure lock and EVEN the pocket area. I was embarrass to request for few new ones from my parents because it would mean lengthy school skirts there i was not allow to shorten and i certainly look worst. Strange how I never put it to puberty, never admitting the skirt can no longer fit my growing hips & only blaming it on the calories. My skirts, they were super washed out, i grew up with a maid all my life so our laundry were always cleaned & ironed.   I refuse to change into a new skirt & instead beg my kakak to sew the pocket shut or at least camouflage the white pockets with a navy patch of cloth so the entire skirt looks ok . My BFF didnt complain about me & that was all that matters.

And you would have probably guess it already.. i WAS the prefect/Monitor/Councillor/Environmental Squard treasurer and what's not. i am always a part of whatever role that provides me with some authoritarian responsibilites & thinking back, the teachers might already knew because they always save a spot for me when there are new committee to be form.

I was ALL the teacher's pet, i aspire to be one, i was not your companion or the sort that save her BFF from misery, if my teacher had me punish my BFF by watching her sit through detention, i would do it without flickering the slightest bit, and to top it off i make sure she is within my radar & gave her extra from breaking any rules, no exception.

So it must be miracle how these ladies grow up not killing me.. and these days we still keep in touch once a while, now that we are parents with kids ourselves. I must have done smoething right because i see that we are consider a neat bunch despite graduating from Primary school for a good 18 years now.

I adore my form teacher, i went to her house even when i graduate, and i adore her sister when i was in my secondary school & found out they share the same family surname. My chinese teacher dotes on me super well, so because i knew i had him to count on, i joined his mini-tennis CCA, his ART CCA & dont mind going to his extra chinese class. Mr Lee is a very very fierce teacher who spank our palms when we failed at his spelling test. I make sure i got it right most time, but more often than not, during surprise test i dont do well & was at the receiving end of his "rubber band tied 3 rotan" treatment too. I only but cried out loud after his beating one, when i was in Primary 1, thereafter i make sure i did well in his class & "absorb" his punishment like i deserve it.    I do still feel strongly that he took great care of me as his student, and treat me differently well, and for that i am still very grateful.

I was never goood in sport, i didnt like doing PE at all, if i can escape PE classes with excuses i will do it. Despite wanting to excel in all the other subjects, PE was never one of them. I had period when i was in primary 4, during the sports day event at Khatib stadium.   By then, health education had prep us for this day to come but it was still an awful surprise. I borrow my first napkin from a lady teacher & never bother returning Ms Catherine, i felt "special" that day for having an extra layer on my clothing. I was even HAPPY to wash my soiled linen when i head home becuase it was my first.

Apart from my hip, my body was changing faster than the period can come. I was uncomfortable to these changes because i associate them as fat. My mum would had prep me with a few singlet by then but i will always forget to put them on.

One fine day during Primary 5, i woke up to the alarm late and it was the school excursion day. You know nothing beats school than excursion so i couldnt miss it. i endure my dad scolding in order to be granted the ride to school instead of busing. i finally made it & ran up the bus & join my mates only to realize i was in PE attire that day & not wearing bra. Needless to say it was uncomfortable to last because PE tee shirt are known to be thin & cooling. It was worst when i was assign to be Pedestrian for this road safety park course which means i couldnt seek shelter & had to "air" myself through the day.   Well, in the end i dont think anyone notice because we are only 11 year old afterall, but it certainly carved deeply in my heart as incident when i wasn't well prepared.

1 had 1 boyfriends in school. One was a super cute small boy who crushed on me all through school, and another was a boy i crush on. J was way shorter than i was, but he was really really cute & has cute spikey hair. His dad was chinese & his mum's malay, so he look chinese but lived & grow up muslin. I always think of him as being smart & cute but never acknowledge nor return his affection.. because it just felt good to have someone adore you from afar. Besides, let''s not forget i am that irritating prefect that cannot afford to break school rules.

The next guy was CY, he was really fair & sissy, but i really like him alot because he was my kind of perfect boyfriend material. hahahha.. i really dont know what i was thinking... he might be Gay now that he is all grow up, but once upon a time he had a mini gf and that was me. We chatted on the phone up to 6hours at length, and i had to sneak our calls without being found out by my parent, who still did & always make it hard for me. CY also gave me expensive gift for our age, a Forever friend bear, a musical box or a glass flower.

183 crush on me in silent, and i can never ever forget this guy, because we went on to become poly mates & stay in contact till today. He still never fail to forget my birthdate (thanks FB) and i will lived to regret never once being given the chance to date him officially. I dont really know why we didnt date in primary school, perhaps because we were both the guai guai kind. but once i visited his place for his birthday & i remember his younger sis exclaim aloud that i was his dreamgirl since young.     Anyhow, along our friendship things turn awkward because when we in poly he started dating my close friend, at my encouragement & it didnt end up well. Somehow, i harbor thoughts during then that maybe, just maybe we might eventually come in a full circle & finally be together, but that day never come.. and we are both married to our spouse & have our babies. 183 remain an extremely encouraging friend till these days, seeking his wife help & advising me as i undergo dark times post pregnant & while suffering during confinement. I am just hoping for the best for this guy.

My girls, we come from so many countries, Penn was fresh from Thailand & then there was Gale that joined the clique from Malaysia. Mich was always the prettiest among us, had the most admirer but she changed school halfway, sending alot of guys' heart broken. Then there is Jaime, whom till these days we have stop speaking because for some reason i never feel like we can bond. Anyway these girls were my pillar of support through primary school, and they each excel really well in their arena, be it sports, studies or beauty. If i may admit i was the only one without a real talent then, i was the only one that is probably eligible to make it to this group because i took on so many roles in the school committees.