Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Today was another silly day at work, i really hate working and am super glad my bb decides to accompany me while i rot myself at work.

Revision, as usual was nothing smooth, i proudly declare today i've cover just how much i've cover yesterday night, and the final rundown with Bb wasnt perfect for halfway through, i totaly give up.

The interesting part came while bb was sending me home, we had our usual prank.
For some reason Bb and i are addicted to this silly game that even a 3 yr old can master - scissor paper stone. Yet, often our punishment for the loser (usually the one that lost 3 rounds) are scary, inclusive of pinching and mostly its biting.

I like to bite my bb, his flesh are chewy... haha.. kidding la, bb flesh are tone so when u sink ur teeth into those skin its as though u are chewing on ur eraser! Yet what i really enjoy doing was seeing his pitiful face whenever i bite him, sometimes i overdo it and he will scream in pain, other times he will attempt to bite me back. Its really interesting to play this silly game over and over agian yet never feeling bored.

After Bb sent me back to Cuz i was told to put the plastic of trash into the big garbage bin outside the mansion, so i hurried my footstep hoping to call out to Bb and surprise him. When my short legs finally get to him i sudden freeze, for the first time since dated this silly guy i was observing the way he walk, really focusing on the shadow and his back.
Then i tink to myself " haha.. such squeezable ass! Sexy!"

Its nice to slow down in life all of a sudden and observe the people that are closest to you in a way you have never. I begin to count my blessing and was Thanking whoever brought us together, for sending me a special guy that keep so quiet whenever he gets mad at me, and constantly pretend to choke me when i was all that mischievous. Deep down inside i always knew, the chance was a rare one and one that might one day slip away, but as long as i can keep him by my side for at least one more day, i hope it will be the moment both of us can remember.

Thanks and Loving you Stinky,... cant wait to go BKK with you and ur part time gf

Sunday, April 26, 2009

no for the exam but for the feeling on being "on-the-run"

This is by far the most straining exam i've been on, mainly because i need to stay away from home, refrain from studying with distraction and travel all the way to expo for the exam.

i feel so tired already, only console are the encouragement from my close one. Pau has agreed to spare me a land (2m by 2m) in her room for me to study straight, and before that its off to Viv hse (she has to leave on the 15th... the day of my worst paper, Economics)
Bb has also promise me a really relaxing trip to thailand straight after my paper, so for some reason i encourage myself that the struggle was worth it. I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest with Bb and his family and part time gf.
This is only the first year at school.. i am franting abt my next year in school... by then bb will be in UK and no one will promise me anything after my paper.

Bb,, u got to plan ahead for my exam in 2010 and 2011 ok? probably send me a parcel of goodies that will reach me on the last day of my paper. I suddenly got an idea to maybe suggest to my brother (who by than has a hse of his own) to rent a room to me for the studying period, with exception to their dog, Hori, i shall be safe from any risk..
the trip the trip the trip... i wan the trip now...
i wan to earn alot of money and quickly stop worrying abt the school fees..
i wan to fly to UK with bb....
i wan to finish this degree with good grades.,,.,

there are so many things i really wanna do now... but they are all on hold..

there is one important things to do now, to erase all the bad tots from my mind,

to stop feeling like a runaway trying to find a shelter, i am not that bad yet.....

i wan may 21st to come sooner....

Sunday, April 19, 2009

8th month and couting with the silly boy.. he made my day and many things have changed, be it good or bad, all i know is i am thankful for each day we are together.

Staying at Cuz for the moment, everything is chaotic now, i've got alot of things on the agenda, trip to bangkok, exam to pass, resume sent to Citibank.. All i really want now is to finish the exam, get it over and done with and spend all the time in the world with my pokpok till he leaves for uk.

i haven got much to write cos i if i do every thing will be repeated, like how i am doing the same stuff over and over again like a cycle.


Sunday, April 05, 2009

So in the end............. he din write it.

i am no longer the Kristal i tot i was... that one who back out when the other party says so.. i fight for my rights, but i have absolutely no assurance as to whatever i am doing.. not really sure if this time, he wont back out again..... if he does, i m too exhausted to win him back.

Like he mention, he tot love was simple, i guess mine was not... not to him and not to me. Right now he have yet to write me an assurance of whatever was going to happen if he backs out again, but all of a sudden i realise, when a person really wans to leave you... no amount of work can make him stay.. So why did the last time works? because perhaps i am trying that last bit of whatever faith i have in us.... and thank God it works.

This few days has been happy.... Bb and i work out a "me-time" package whereby he can spend more time with his friend while i seek my own program somewhere. As such, he was able to play his soccer fully and i could tell he was happy with those company he have gotten from his friend. inside my heart, i was very very console Bb was happy again, and truth has proven it was not because of me that makes him happy.

Why was i a willing party being the person who helps him happy? cos i know bb tries hard to make me happy too.. But no 2 person can make the other happy without sacrificing something that makes them sad by alittle. So if there are some thing i did that will make bb happy even though it was not me that he is happy about, i will still do it.

Clar ask me why Bb needs some time without me to make him happy? Isnt he afraid that he will regret missing out on this with me time when he goes to UK? i dunnoo.... i guess he just isnt feeling the sense of emptiness as much as i do, and perhaps he hasnt start feeling upset about leaving me soon..

i am feeling the emptiness each day. I have already decided not to msg Bb unless he msg me during his work time, and durin his "me-time". But during this period i feel so empty and lonely, and then i will imagin how many times worst it will get when i cannot SMS him anymore. i will imagine how sucky it feels to go home alone after work, to finish school without reportin to him. I feel so so so depress, but i brush all the thoughts away knowing he isnt feeling anything about it and perhaps i shouldnt too..

Our relationship can be consider stable now, Bb no longer holds me hand as often and i ask him why today, he told me i was tinking too much..... i am going crazy.. haha.. and i tink i am crazy..

Bb wrote on his blog how his family likes me around, the fact was that i like his family too.. but if Bb dun likes me... it wouldnt help having his family to likes me, cos ultimately it is him who decides whether we should be together.

I am feeling at disadvantage, i fear each moment he gets upset with me.. nowadays whenever he gets angry with me, i might quarrel with him a little and pray silently to God it will be over soon, cos i am scare he will mention those words again.

Bb says he is feeling really stress at work and no one understands him... slowly i begin to realise how much he tinks, or maybe i really am, not the best gf he can have..i cannot fit the criteria as an ideal gf, the kind all man wants and all woman aim to be.

The ideal girlfriend would be one who knows when to be understanding at the right time, who will silently help his bf forget his worries at work and make him happy and honour to be with her, she will be the ideal gf if her bf is scared of losing her..

I really learnt alot from this relationship, many of the stuff was learnt the hard way, the painful way...i dunno if i can ever become the good gf he wanted, or if i will change. i know its hard to lose this guy, but if the tot of him wanting to call it quit haunt me everyday... i really dunno what to do..

Bb still hasnt talk about it, like the good old times he has decided to behave as thou it din happen, i am really very very moody... by day i can still pretend, but by night when it was time for reflection, i realise the problem is still there...

there are definitely going to be more "me-time"... i hope i will get use to having a lesser piece of him.. otherwise without msging him at work and without feeling as though he is definitely mine... i think it wont be long before i scare him away..

haha.. irony, Yuan Lai there is no such thing as a Guardian Angel, Yuan Lai no one sends blessing from above, its all about giving in, taking lesser and giving more.. Yuan Lai feeling too serious about a relationship can be so tough...

Good night Bb... i still like u as ever..

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Dear Rodman,

Nobody ever told u you were the bestboyfriend, the only kind any girl ask for. There is a reason why i tease u by calling u sweet silly stinky slpyhead, one thing for sure, you fufil all the adjectives.

You were the sweetest boy ever, i never had much to complain about, you were nice to your family and never complains about my overly demanding behaviour.

You look silly when you stare at me with those awfully innocent eyes, then i will tease u by describing just how tiny your eyes were, i love ruffling through your hair for you make that silly face whenever i do that.

You stink after a good soccer match, yet i hardly complain about watching you play. And even if i do so, we'll end up at the soccer field cos i can never afford to see you look disappointed, i wanted you happen, everytime you are with me, each time you look at me, and each time you whisper sweet nothings into my ears.

You are definitely the slpyhead in my heart, for when we travel to a faraway land and i lost sleep at night, you try your best to keep yourself awake and pat me while i try to grab some sleep, yet you always doze off before i do and i had to irritate you to wake u up and keep me company.

We did everything together Rodman, you were the most accurate alarm clock i can ever ask for, each time i deliberately tries to sleep a little more, you never fail to get my ass out of the bed. Each morning starts with a sweet msg from you, sometimes telling me how monday sucks as the beginning and friday suck cos OT comes in.

We enjoy doing sily stuff, completing the list of never-ending-wannados... we even thought of cycling up the crocodile pond i chance upon on one of my expediture and you promise to bring me to Hong Kong cos you were familiar with the place.

i was always proud of introducing you as the bf of mine cos i see us together walking down the aisle together, each time you excuse yourself from the topic i explain to myself that it was only cos you felt insecure and things were still new for both of us. I know it deep down inside i was your first few serious gf, so you might think that you have yet to see the larger world so all was not lost and chances are, there might be someoen better out there, but i never let myself down thinkin of all this, i wanted you to be mine and i know i will constantly find ways to make you attracted to me.

there are times i pray to God to shed some pounds off my body so i look good enough for you, i even suggest taking part in some man-mag so that you can show off to the larger world out there your gf is good and there are no one comparable to her.

And althought we see couple walking down the street wearing the same couple tee, and i told you how much i was against this public act of affection, we will always remind each other when we turn up in almost ths same colour clothing line and thats makes us both happy.

You have taught me how to peel prawn effortlessly yet you refuse to let me do the job, cos you din wan my hands to be stain with those stinky prawn smell, you peel the prawn and left it on my plate.

I hated eating crab as it sometimes cuts through my skin, yet i was so keen on showin off to you that your tiny plate were often filled with shredded pieces of crab meat, those that i took the whole time trying to peel off the shell. You ate it and i was consoled.

When we first went star gazing by East Coast Beach, you brought me to a place i felt was damn beautiful. Then i look up into the sky and wish that i could see a shooting star, then we can both make wishes to stay together for a good long time. Though the shooting star din appear, i know deep down inside i was wishing to the annoymous star, any one that twinkle, i wish you will continue to love me this way, few years down the road, till we both grow old together.

You once drove pass a church and we were both amazed by how grand it look, despite its broken down shape, and i told you i wanted to get married inside that church, whether i am christian anot. Then in my mind the image of you holding my hand appear and my lip twitch a little, smiling at how foolish i get around you.

We went to Expo sales with your brother to get your GPS, the crowd was overwhelming, you held on to my hand and we squeezes through the crowd together, i could feel your firm grip and i knew i was safe in your hands, even when you told me to close my eyes on my 22nd birthday and trust whenever you are taking me to, i recall that hand that grip to firmly, and then i laid my eye to rest while you drive me up the hill to enjoy our first candle light dinner on the peak. I felt like a princess who is very pampered, and i thank God inside my grandma sent someone so special to take care of me.

We were the envy of many, or so i always tell myself. I like being around you, doing your household chores and watching you play your psp. I like hearing your techniques about conquering those difficult stint on the game we both deem are good for our mind.

The 8 months with you were the happiest and i enjoyed it without a single regrets. One day i made a very very very silly mistake of screaming some vulgarities out of anger through the phone while you were on the receiver end. That spark you to get confuse and call it quit. By quit you meant all that we have been through, all that thick and thin we have endured.

The quit set me back to many months ago, when you first disappear from my life, at that point i was all alone and had finally made a major move about controlling my life. At that stage i wanted myself happy and you promise me happiness. you offer your hand, and i gladly took it. Then without warning, you sink into your world of being the Saint. You wanted everyone to be happy and you assume by being the Saint and giving up on me, everyone will be happier.

How are you to know giving me up makes everyone happier? how are you to judge if i am happier with you or with someone else? you had no answer to that, you could only remmeber how you were first hurt by someone else and how it hurts to be the victim.

I felt like that victim, i tot love was simple too.. i tot if i love someone i go for it, if i want things to last i make it last. I tot love was so simple that when others wans a share of it, unless they truly deserve it, otherwise its mine and i am not willing to share it with others.

Love is put in a simple terms, like you had your mummy and you are born knowing you share it with your sister and brothers. You are fine with it and you love your mummy alot, but what if one day a man came to you and said he love your mummy too and wans a share of the love? Will you gladly be a saint and generous offer him a share of your mummy love? Cos by doing so everyone will be happier? I wont do so, i am selfish and if mummy belongs to me and those deem deserve it will always remain that way.

Then a couple of advise from your friends and you decide you have found your way to happiness, than probably a try wouldnt hurt, you attempt to hang out with me again, and i agree, i will definitely agree no matter how long you take to ask me out again cos my heart says i love you. That is hard to change and i am selfish, so much so that i want a piece of you, if not the whole of you.

WE have been dating for 8 months and each day the feeling grew fonder, right now you reminded me again how dumping me was as easy as "it will be better for the both of us" and because you are scared "that the quarrel wont stop".... you were being the Saint saving me before misery.

But bb.... i never wanted to be saved, cant you tell right from the start i did the silliest thing a girl could do, that is to give the same guy who gave her up another chance to prove himself. If i din want to be saved 8 months ago i never wanted to be saved. i am torn and tattered i am destroying myself, you may think i am destroying whatever good life i was born with, but i am selfish and i want things for myself. i fight for my rights to get the person i wan to be with.

i cant explain how i have courage to go against your wishes and to stop the Saint from his rescue. i have cried hundreds, if not thousand drops of tears to get what i truly deserve. I ignore whatever that was to be said about me and my choices, i fight for my rights cos i want you.

Yet times and times again you chooses to give me up in an act of saving the both of us. I am sorry i have been so selfish. If by saving you means sacrificing myself bb i cant do it. i am never a Saint and you can choose to be one, but make sure you do it for the right reason.

We dont regret things we said, unless we really din mean it. i really din mean to curse u in anger and nothing can explain my gratitude in your forgiveness. i know it so damn well i din mean to say those words and only did so in anger, but did you say what u said cos of anger too?

Despite my continous temper and anger, i had never really show signs of wantin to leave, i wanted us together for the longest time. i can bear all that comes into my way cos i wan us together. Yet bb, you chooses to give me up whenever situation comes in the way that proves as though we werent meant to be.

I believe arguement between couple are meant to be, you mention you din want any quarrel but take a look at your own parents, happily in love though one tend to squabble with other or silently talks bad about the others.... aint they still the perfect couple i witness with my own eyes, that brought up a good and solid family.

My parent fight before, quarrel before and mummy left home before, but dad has never mention a single word of giving up. He once explain how FAMILY was made up of Father And Mother I Love You. he believe once a family is set up, no one can do with a Father or a Mother, which is why he always hang on, and Mummy and Daddy perhaps the happiest couple i see most of the times when they din quarrel.

I wan my relationship to end up just lke mum and dad, if not better. Dad has taught me to endure whatever pain given to you if you wan things to work out, but dad also mention my partner has to be someone like mummy that learnt to appreciate whatever he has done for her.

Our family loses our home to swindler, loses my education money to obstacles, but i never lose the encouragement to study harder or work harder for the money.

Dear Rodman, i cry alot for you, but we laugh together even more. Are you really willing to give up everything just with those few incidents that happen to us? wouldnt it be nice if we could really work things out, tk a stroll together by the beach, and go star gazing together.

i dunno how life can carry on without you being a part of it, but i am not able to bring myself together each time you call it quit. i know that i love you, is that a reason good enough to bring us back together?