Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Home tour

We have shifted in our new place on 6jan2017. It was a whirlwind of packing & unpacking & lotsa of getting used to!

For me i felt like a part of me has lost my identity. If you recall in nov 2013,  my family & i shifted out from our Aunt's place where we stayed with since 2009.    We finally bought a comfortable flat with all our savings & shifted in. Then in 2014, Rodman proposed & we started planning for the wedding and that was when i realize i was doom to shift out of the house i meant to stay.

In 2015, Rodman & i got married so i left my parents' place & headed over to his Parents' place where we put up through till Dec 2016. If i did my math correctly, the longest i ever  had a place/room to call my own was max 2 years?  

It could be my hormones doing its dirty tricks but when i recall i haven had a proper place to feel like i truly belong, it feels as thou i havent had a proper identity to call my own. So today i am staying in this aprtment & only our 4th day in, i get this strangely foreign feeling like i better not unpack everything in case i have to pack them up again.    so much for being in my home country, with my fellow family members & not feeling like i belong eh.

clar, if you are reading this, i get that feeling i just might be able to get used being away from Singapore since moving really isnt quite a big thing for me anymore.

During the course of preparing for our move. I started gluing my addict Taobao habits with the furniture sourcing.    I guess by now Rodman has gotten use to me & my antics. Despite his reminder than quality matters over quantity, i wasnt buying it.

A large bulk of the materials in the house were source through Taobao. I shuttle between using Prime $2.99 & 4Px services, depending on how important the goods were to us. The sofa bed above was one such Taobao purchase that i manage to secure via Prime $2.99 prime service. A honest review of this bed that cost me an overall $132 including shipping is --> if i had a second chance i probably wont get it. Considering "frequent" guest in our house, the bed cannot sleep 2 pax & it feels kinda hollow in the middle when you sit on it.   I told Rodman i might grab a comforter to overlay the sofa so it adds to the tenderness of the bed when u sleep. We also agreed tat this will serve a max 2 years before we invest in a more comfortable bed for our guest.

There were some ridiculous purchase Rodman & i made that we absolutely agree though. One such is this 100Kg ++ granite stone that is actually a bench for parks but we got it anyhow as a TV console or the Living room.

So far no one actually agree that it looks anywhere outstanding but Rodman & adore the rusty finish on the bench legs, even if it flakes rust like nobody's business when u accidentally brush against it. The salesperson assure us that the Rust were intentionally casted and that the metal legs will rust  no further. Somehow i find it added alot of taste especially to our floor tiles.

1 main reason to choose this floor tiles is because i hate to see hair strands on the floor but knew they are unavoidable, it is not that i dont clean that often but i dont want to see ourselves as slave to the daily task of picking away at every strands we see on the floor. I also personally feel the tiles add a  raw touch to the floor and that its a welcoming sign that you can sometimes ignore the sofa & chill on the floor, which is very cooling to the touch especially when the wind is in our favor.

The tall table was the very first furniture we purchase for the house. I had clear intention to recreate a starbuck at home so Rodman & i can enjoy a cup of coffee while the wind blew in our face & we can mock  see the traffic along TPE especially during Peak hour.

We cannot avoid the busk of living in busy Singapore so at least we have this space here to remind us that among the fast pace, there is always time to sit back & laugh  be grateful that we can slow down our pace as others egg on with the challenge in their lives.

If you cannot tell by now, we live in the very heart of TPE, with the next stretch of apartment at least an expressway width away. you will notice there are trees at the lower bottom of the window, which are the trees along the expressway surrounding 2-way traffic.

By night, Rodman opted for warm light for the house, so far it has been serving us pretty well, but i do foresee the day we will like to see some stuff as clear as day then this ambience might backfire. Fortunately this has not been encountered at the moment.
The kitchen is really the heart of our home. We fell in love with this design when the ID first suggested it in drawing. Now that it has materialize, we are loving the kitchen even more.

We are still short of purchasing 3 tall chairs to be place by the kitchen island so as to host friends, but already many are commenting how they cannot wait to host the next "MasterChef" in our very kitchen.
Rodman had wanted a casting iron stove such as those from Bosch but due to limitation of our fengshui reading, we were unable to do so.  This 4 stoves from Elba is serving us pretty well so far.
Our service yard is like any other except we added the Ikea rack above the wshing machine so now there is space to hang the smaller laundry & some additional space to keep the cleaning materials.
The fridge was thanks to the additional kitchen space we got by hacking the walls. Rodman & i hated the mundane traditional dining area that the floor plan suggested this space was meant for hence we converted it to be part of the kitchen, making the kitchen wider & also reducing the need to worry about the size of the fridge when we made our purchase.
This was the stove & sink area before the reno was completed. The grey panel at the back damaged during the renovation has since been covered up with a mint green glass panel to prevent oil stain during cooking.
The corridor to the bedrooms are like any other, we are still awaiting the carpet from Taobao to arrived to be placed here, again for Fengshui reason.

Bathroom had minimal reno because govt was good, hahahha.... we added a glass panel for the bath area with sliding glass door.
A wooden shelf on top of the toilet bowl from IKEA meant to place some decorative & guest towel.
Toilet sink was from Hoe Kee, minimal cost (about 100++) and shaped like an ingot for auspicious purpose
Basin tap is from Taobao
Vanity quartz i black with crystal flakes as part of the renovation packaging
Lastly, the mirror is from IKEA again, matching the wooden shelf on its right.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

it has ended

Dear seedling,

today you gave us all a scare, i had some brown discharge that looks like nothing i should be too concern about, that was Saturday.

By Monday, it had turn to a dark shades of red, and the volumn increases. I googled and the information gather scares me. Some says it is nothing to be worry about and that :-

-Dark Brown & Deep red = Spotting
-Light Red = bleeding

Since it truly looks like spotting at this point, there is nothing too concerning & the reason to this is perhaps because there are some expired blood from the last period that is being discharged. Or it could only mean early pregnancy, which is this case seems to work really well for us both. 

K.chng says to monitor it but i wast sure what "a little"and "a lot" means here.   She says a dallop of 50cent coin worthy is nothing to be concern about, while when it stain the entire pantyliner we should seek help.




“等你好了从新再来, promise me you wont give up"



I had a long weekend, a really eventful one so i felt pretty good about it.

First there was the dinner with Paperstop, when i would feel rewind & just took the focus off myself.
Paperstop always neeeded me to hear her out, to tell me about her stuff,
and as much as i dont really understand most of the jingle she mention about her industry, it was good to try to match the scenario i picture in my head against her problem,
our approach to different things are also vastly different, but that is how we roll all this while, with her sometimes seeing new lights to the matter on hands with my perspective & me vice versa..

The reveal #HarvestRodKrisSeed


on this day....
Cuzzie Vivien celebrated her birthday
i arrived at NUH for the CT scan as part of the preparation for ops
i have missed my menses for 10 days now, 

the Sinseh advise us to drop her a visit on 8sept2016 if my period was late, but considering since then i received a series of unfortunate & shocking news about this Op, i laid it down to stress. 

Stress, the same stress that causes me to miss the entire month of period in May 2016, the same stress that at one point pulls my ovulation cycle to 45 days.  Besides, i was too involve to get well soon before our Taiwan vacation, so Rodman & i can hurry get on track back to TCM, and back to making effort to expanding our brood. 

Anyhow.... in anticipation of #harvestingOurSeed , i came across Watson during a promotion & bought not 1, but 4 of the pee stick, just in case. It was sitting in my drawer for the longest time, and i fail to realize all pee stick had expiry date.  On 14sept2016, i tot i will bring along a stick, since missing the period could mean something, even if  the chances were slim.... 

so my CT scan was schedule at 10.15am, i arrived at the Diagnostic Imaging centre at 9.36am, went to the ladies & since i was in it, pull out the pee stick.. and what do you know....

This! 2 freaking line on the indicator..

I must add, prior to this, while we were "actively" trying on the advice from the TCM, i must have used like 2 sticks?!?!?!?!  during that time thinking it is going to pay off. So seeing 1 line on the stick becomes usual, sometimes there is a VERY faint 2nd red line forming and for a sec i got excited.  All this time i shared the image with friends who commented it probably only means i wasnt expecting, or that my pee must have wet the stick so bad it reveal the hidden line.

But,... this, this was a bright & obvious 2nd line, in deep red no less.
 On the once non-existing column of the pee stick that i was no use to seeing, i freaked out. i quickly snap a shot of it but my hands were shakey.

You understand at this point i was due to go for a CT scan in a matter of 15min, and CT is HARMFUL for fetus, 
i have already paid for the procedure, what does this means?

So with the shaking hands, i have to snap the picture the 2nd time. Then 2 names pop up on my mind, the 2 ladies who were behind me egging me on my journey to recovery by removing  #Timmy2.  

The 1st being Rodman's superior k-chng, a lady whom i respect dearly, and whom i coincidentally met on the day i receive the news of #timmy2, she was nothing but sweet & encouraging, and i can really do with her advice, being a Mum to a pair of lovely Twins & a chef-worthy son.  

The 2nd being my little sister, also coincidentally k-chng (with me also k-chng, and our niece another k-chng that makes 4 wahahahahha) Who was by all nature, mature & independant despite being 6 years my junior. I was never close to my sis, but in recent years i made some effort to hang out with her more, and it was fruitful. My babySis is also someone who can snap me out of my anxiousness & motivate me to be a bigger person to take on the role of protecting her.

So of course, i didnt jump on the wagon immediately to call Rodman's boss, it was just rude & awakening to text her out of a sudden with something this major.

You must have thought, where was Rodman? Why not Rodman? The truth is because he matters too much for me to be giving him false alarm, what if this was not the case? What if the pee stick expired & the result were not accurate? 

i cannot deal with false identity myself & thankfully in my life now exist the best thing ever- Rodman, the man who takes on any challenge i throw to his direction, than still has to be the one to encourage me to stand up again when i fall (which means, he fall too)

In the past week, after receiving the news of #timmy2, Rodman had been the most amazing pillar of support, i know deep-down he was very hurt too, and that i have failed my responsibility as his wife to take care of myself, hence allowing myself to be such a burden to us both. He does not show his emotion in front of me, we also had difficulty talking out loud the possibilities of forever being infertile if i remove #Timmy2, so this time shit is real, and if i was really conceived, i have to be confident i didnt make a mistake coming up with this suspicion,  and that is why Rodman was out of the picture this very minute. 

I called my Babysis, ask for her help urgently and text her the picture immediately. she said 
"Try another stick"
"Drink 1Litre of water now!!! go try quick"
"Calm down jie"
"Ask the nurse for another test kit"
"Obviously yours is over the counter & not 100% accurate"

Like waht!?!??~! My Babysis can be real mature sometimes and while i was panicking like crazy, she was all calm & reminded me this might not be accurate. i manage to contain myself more & went to the nurse who register my visit, and told her my suspicion....
At the same time, i politely text k-chng to ask if her was free to spare me some time, she replied in an instance (Someone up there was doing me good thank God)  i too, send her the picture i took & ask her if she, too, suspect the same as i did?
"OMG tis is good news, does Rodman know"
""When was your last menses"
" Less than 7 days result will be inaccurate"
"please delay your scan"
"Better be kiasu"
Then this amazing person went on to make phonecall to her friend who is a doctor (i am running out of good karma, everyone is just too nice to me). Who thinks that the 2nd line on the stick is so obvious that i cannot be a lie, i must have something!K-chng suggest i quickly ask the nurse to decide, the thought that my babysis share, so i did

It was now critical that someone decide if i should go for the CTscan i have already paid for...
FYI, the CT scan cost me $2100, our garment sponsor $300, so the balance was straight out of my pocket.. it was not a cheap procedure, and no i cannot part with $$ that easily, my #Timmy2 procedure can cost me $11,000 in worst scenario. 
Nurse ran to the other room & spoke to a consultant (doctor,  i believe) & he went ahead & took out result of the blood test i did a week ago (Tumor marker & abonormalities test). i sat at the reception, shock at the twist of event. 

The consultant walked out, told me he studied my blood test, and true enough it seems there are some abnormalities in my blood... in layman terms this means
  1. For regular healthy adult, this means there is a something inside their body that is almost confirmed to be a fetus. 
  2. For a patient with existing condition, and since it suggest something is inside her body, this something can be the very cyst/Fibriod/Tumor that is being treated
Because of the possibility, it was nearly impossible to judge if i am truly pregnant, but to his experience, chances are that i might very well be. 

We held our breath for a min, with me being completely shock as i didnt wake up this morning to expect this.. finally he broke the silent & said he is going to contact my dr-in-charge this min (Dr Joe, the surgeon who monitor my progress over the years, and who will be operating on me to remove #Timmy2). We will hear his suggestion before we decide how to move on. And than i was left to a corner to continue waiting. I also asked the Nurse for an extra pee stick if they have it, she left to hunt for one. 

Then k-chng return a text suggesting that i should take a 2nd test, we calculated that if i am truly conceive, it would have been 6.5 weeks into it, unless of course this was "created" after the previous menses lah.. 

All in all, couple of min later, consultant returned - no pee stick in hand- brought me to the reception & make arrangement for my refund (yay!) told me i will put the CT scan on hold now, Dr Joe arranged for a senior Gynae to look into my case & they will be in touch shortly. 

Dr Lee Min Yu, as i was told, is a senior Gynae who specialist is dealing with high-risk pregnancy, in my case we are unsure how bad #Timmy2 will harm me during my journey so with his assistance all will be well. I am now schedule for a ultrasound 2 weeks later (since you know, result are very faint right now cos i must be very very early into this) 29sept2016 is the date. 

So that was it! i was done with my "appt" for today, what?!!~ i was not convinced, and perhaps i was used to suspecting myself... i walked all over NUH finding discreet pharmacy & grab the next pee stick i can find, 

Was i thinking well at this point? Of course not, i wasnt sure if this was a set-up, my body could have psychological convince myself i was indeed pregnant because of my desperacy. (read this False Pregnancy)

I walked into a filthy toilet, but i wasnt thinking too much, now that i recall, it was really really filthy, but all i care for was to see the pee stick once more.. i got Predictor this time, it was suppose to be perfect for testing VERY early pregnancy (like 5 days BEFORE your menses is due kind),,, and lo * behold... 

See!! See!! see!!!! it is all a lie, i wasnt pregnant, and i cancelled on my CT scan because of a dumb expired pee stick, and that my hopes are back at square one again... why is this happening to me?

i went to a quiet corner of NUH & bawl my heart out, i really cried! but this was not nearly as bad as the bawling i did when i first learn i had to return to the operating theatre to remove my ovary. 

I guess you come to terms with life if you cry so much over a period of time that it stops affecting you that much.. i bawl, but i didnt hyperventilate, i cried a mere 10mins, then wipe my tears & got myself prepare again for CT Scan - operation... It was a good few minutes of excitement thinking i might stood a chance with a baby. 

I texted both kchng once more & told them of my new "discovery". Babysis was away ( i later learnt she was out for an interview & it must be real hard on her to juggle that nervousness while trying to help her Sister stay calm)... kchng told me to give it more time, because there still stood a chance that i might be too early in for the pee stick to tell.. 

of course in my heart i knew it was a scam, but she really meant well.. At this point i tot i shud go grab abother stick & drink alot of water again, but whats the point? Whats the point of receiving another "confirmation"- was i convinced? i will never be!! i need to be affirmative this was really happening... 

So after going through all my thoughts, i decided that i will leave today as it is, for my heart needs to rest for the day until i renew my motivation to think of a proper way out of this. i grab a sushi(my 1st bite since last night dinner...) walked towards the carpark preparing for work and then i bump into an Angel. .

No, i wont reveal her here. We have history of being real close friend at one period of our lives, then i screwed up & she left us for good. 

I knew her back in JC, i wrote few entries about her on my blog, i sometimes look up her profile to see if she is handling life well because she was the type of person i never was - she was very direct in her words & she cut the chase, she was always right on her prediction & frankly i was always tad jealous of her. 

She had switch job & it was a stroke of luck that i bump into her in NUH, we sat behind at a fast food restaurant & she told me straightaway that 
  1. i was being selfish, said 
  2. i was hiding this from Rodman and that 
  3. i was robbing him of a chance to learnt about me. She said 
  4. i wasnt treating marriage right, and that 
  5. i only paint a beautiful picture of myself to my husband. She said 
  6. he has all rights to know, and 
  7. decide if his wife is really pregnant? 
  8. If his wife should drop this chance &
  9.  focus on removing the ovary instead so there are no chance he will ever have to choose btw Mummy or baby

and i cant say she was not wrong, i had been so selfish the whole time, and that i almost only explain my own judgement, my own self-doubt & my own misery. Where was Rodman right this minute? Probably worrying sick if my CT scan was completed... She gave me a lashing down, and i allow her to speak because she was right. And she has always been right on me & my predicament. 

We parted ways amicably, she just turn her back & walked. But that moment onwards, i have a new role to play - that role of a REAL wife. so thank you Angel Nurse, my old friend who still change my life in the strangest way. 

i called Rodman, and it was coincidentally lunch so we arrange to meet, i drove over & told him everything that happen this morning. He - as usual - kept his cool & said we will no longer worry about that today.  He says we will grab NEW pee sticks, and i will try it first thing tomorrow (FYI 1st pee in the morning contain the most ECG & most accurate). We did lunch - no mention of it anymore- and left to work. 


i woke up at 3.22am, i can no longer sleep. the bawling from the night before has caused my eyes to swell so i expected myself to sleep till day break, but then my mind was full of anticipation to try the stick once more. Rodman had gotten 2 diffferent brands this time - Clearblue (he put his bet on this) & Predictor (the same brand that hurt me so much last morning). 

At 3.49am, i was staring in the dark forcing myself back to sleep once more, i told myself when the alarm strikes at 6am, i will wake up pee-get the result- and live my life differently. but as i was pondering over this, the mood to pee came (Life works magic)..... 

At 3.51am, i decided that i wasnt going back to bed because i needed to pee & THIS should be the 1st pee of the day, i quietly tip-toe out of bed, careful not to wake Rodman up.. then went to the kitchen to find something to contain the pee (for some strange reason i wasnt going to take the risk by not peeing long enough hahahha..) took a tub i can throw away & finally get onto the work... 

This was the lastest & till date last test i have done.. 

No, i didnt see the result till i was back in the room, at 4am i switch on the light that woke Rodman up. He was snoring just before this alarming awakening.. he stare at me as i hand him the stick... then he took a long while to process it... 

he went for :\ to :| and finally.. :)

i slip back to bed & continue staring in the dark till it was almost dusk, i finally fell asleep just before the alarm woke me up... what an eventful morning!!

Why was i this happy this time?
i mean, i will rather believe this is true now, i will carry it on my sleeve, (though Rodman reminded me again & again to keep it hush & under.. that he is not takig a single risk...)....
we are also mentally preparing ourselves that i am high-risk patient & that we may or may not get to keep the baby despite our will.... and onwards to that belief here i am, typing away all morning on 16sept2016 penning down all that has taken place the last 2 days. I am now 3 days into the news & feeling under the weather, the anxiousness & nervousness is taking a toll on my appetite ( or just the pregnancy.. i no longer can tell)  Just last night i retch once while brushing my teeth because the smell of Darlie toothpaste was too strong for my liking. I also felt so cold all day while driving, its like i was never this "vulerable" to the weather but i am now... Again, was it a symptom or just my mind play tricks? i dont know.

Dr Joe & his encouraging email
Dr Joe when i asked if i should do more test to confirm on the pregnancy ( i already did lah, the same morning when i read his email)
My reply to Dr Joe, also to console myself & reaffirm my belief
Dr Joe empathetic/non-empathathic?? response, which do me alot of good because it was a single sentence which make so much sense, against my mix emotions over the past 2 days of "Drama"