i really haven blogged for a long time, its like the blogosphere has its way to suck me drain of my emotions that the moment i start penning, i lose myself into some backdates event that i had completely forgottent to feel affected about.
Couple of weeks ago, i was intrigued with a sudden return of a once familiar figure. Not only has it affected me for a day or so, i had somehow twisted a belief i once hold firmly into hatred. I told to her to take her time & to come back when she is ready to do so, and she beg for more time & the faith that she will return.... but then a year past then 2.. soon i began to accept she didnt mean to return like she said she would. Thankfully there had been so many thing over the next 2 years that preoccupied my thoughts so it hadnt sink in too deeply that she had left the friendship, without a proper goodbye.
you may consider me as someone over affectionate over friendship, but hell yeah i was. I never took much pride into things i do but i certainly gave more than my 100% when it comes to building friendship. Perhaps growing up in a huge family has its benefits. Somethings you know you can keep around just by trying harder, you will hold on to it like its your lifevest to save you frow drowning.
Yet i cannot bring myself to hate her, because what we use to share in the past was real. It's never easy for 2 person to come together to enjoy a large part of their lives together, building dreams & perfecting them before setting goals to achieve this dreams. When i was at the lowest point of your life, trying to bring my senses straight in preparation for my university examination, it was her who offered a rooftop & a saint&serenity place to put up while i concentrated on my books. There was an accident when we were both preparing to meet up with the rest of our clique & i drop to the ground & starting weeping aloud becuase i found out i had lost touch with the fashion scene that i no longer know what to wear. She pick me up & calm me down before telling me i look good to head out in whatever crap i was wearing that day. Then there was the time she had a bad date & her mum was so worried about her wellbeing that i was entrust to watch over her & secretly feedback her progress to her mum.
I dont understand how something so real can happen & be lost the next second. i asked myself, my friends around me what i might have done to make her leave, but we all know, she knows & the closest people around me said the same things - i didnt drive her away. I was not convince, but questioning myself over something i cannot answer is just over my limits. Overtime i begin to treat that period of my life as a merely a dream, yet each time someone brings her up or talk about her presence just sends a familiar heartache back to me... what have i done to drive her away?
If you know the pain of losing someone dearly, you will think twice about leaving unless you really need to. Sometimes i blame myself for forgetting about the rest of the precious friends that still stood so nearby. This are the people whom i should be thankful for because they haven choose to let go of the friendship we build. Is it true that once we all grow up & start our family we will eventually lose the bond we share? i certainly hope not, i know for sure right now as besties embark on building her family, i am still readily available to share this phase of her life with her.
Do you ever treat someone unfairly & regret it? Dont, becuase you will never know how long that impact stays with him/her... from my own experience the familiar ach is still intact & call upon each time i bring myself to talk about her..... i wish i can end this with a happy note... this should not be a part of my memories..