Monday, October 30, 2006

While in her womb. Kristal was petrified. With the complete formation of her pea-brain, she was able to tink
"what ever was gonna happen?"
"who will she first see?"
"will there other baby that resembles her?"

those were the question struck across those brain, like a bit-code send across a package of a CPU. Jesus had told her that day she was due to leave today. Out of the warm liquid she's been stuck inside for 9 months. She wont get food from the funny looking tube anymore. Jesus says she can try using the red thingy she sees below her nose... This is so exciting.

than all of a sudden, she felt she was being squeeze, not once but through an interval of twice every half an hour. Than all too the liquid she swim in flow away. She couldn't breathe much. The cramping was irritating her. She wanted to go back to Jesus, begging Him to bring her back.. back to those clouds.. why Mother Mary will hold her in the arms and sing her lullaby,,

It was impossible to back out now.. She heard screams.. very faint one. that must have signal a opening was nearby... Kristal din have to move. The contraction had moved her.. Slowly, she din wanna think anymore.. fine then.. so it shall be, bye bye Womb..

The next thing she know, there was a gush of cold wind swept thru. she wanted so badly to scream.. but the mucus surrounding her were choking her. She couldn;t open her eye. Neither could she scream. The feeling was terrible.

Later a few funny people in white grab her and pull the the thing that follow out of the very familiar hole. The man than cut it off her. She couldn't see it all happen thou, she felt them, she felt the snipped of the umbilical cord. Thats it!

Kristal wanted to scream, can't someone pls help her? The peopl placed her in a towel and wipe those mucus of her mouth. Alas! She whim her first cry.. Then they qipe the mucus off her eye.. and she open those eyelashes!

The lady that she feel SO comfortable with was smiling weakly at her. She felt the sense of warmt surrounding her.. then she heard laughter, and those laughter symbolises joy.

She was named Kristal immediately. Like a precious stone, yet special in the spelling. Her granddad insist she to be called *** (something associsted with precious stone too)

**** to be continued
cant explain it all out.. i dun wan to make you hate me and i dun wanna hate u

we've been the bestest of friend for 6 years..
when u fall for WS's bf and they all dump u for being a betrayer, i stood by you and support u as usual

When u fall for D's admirer and u 2 stops talking, i tried my best and put u 2 back together,

when u fall out with CF, you came to me and i cheer u up.

when u needed a job, i call up friends and ask for the favour

when u needed the cash, i help u save

when u tink i am better than u, i make myself a complete fool to make u feel better

when u say this thing wont work, i sacrifice my profit to make sure u earn what u tink u might lose

when u got dump by a guy in less than a day and hide urself by a corner, we went to ur rescue

when u wanted to learn knitting.. we taught you

when u told us LOVE comes before anyting, we respect ur decision

when u decide ur birrthday was meant for the bf, we postpone the celebration

when i played u "rer tai yu ling" on the piano for your birthday, u cried tears of joy

when u get angry with me.. u hung up my phone and warn ur mum not to let me talk to you

when u mum lied tat u were not at h0me when u were, i called till u are touched.

when u are angry and avoid me again, i wrote testimonial to explain why i am being accused

when u are angry some more i wrote u message to explain one more time.

when u said u and ur bf are poor, we skipped the celebration..

when u postpone our celebration just because ur bf comes out, i acc u to doll urself before meeting him

when u din want to work at places u dun like, i suggest they shift u somewhere..

when u feel stressed about losing weight, we worry about ur health..

when u start that biz behind my back.. i told u to join me instead

when i promise u profit and u did earn, u wanted more

when we promise to go thru thick and thin together, u choose to strive on ur own

when u left the biz without any other explanation but because its for my own good.. u left me hurt

when my bf-t0-be felt so useless he cant cheer me up, i felt guilty, cos u hurt me more than anything else on earth..

not after Grandma..

i dun wanna hate u.. i will treat u better.,.
the friendship is affected.. u were my special one..
and even u could do this to me..

i lost faith

p/s: thank sweet cuz ... thanks for accompanying my thru my few hours or non stop tears

p/s: thank B, for accomdating my non-stop tears on top of those i cried aimlessly.. thanks darl

i am a selfish Kristal from now on.. all of u make me one.. one fucking selfish merciless and devilled kristal

Friday, October 27, 2006

Why? why is every one doing the same thing to hurt me at the same time?

why plan everything le then let me know? because i am the fierce and harsh one that insist i am fucking right?

Because i dun care for others' feeling?

Ya..maybe u are all fucking right.. i am fucking useless k?
Everyone felt the same way.. even the one i treasure the most..

Ya.. i am spoilt..

and very soon, even thou they all say how nice it is to work with her at the front, secretly they badly wanted to get u out.. competition.. competition..

B and i are gonna leave us alone for a while.. not completely.. but thanks to my fucking temper..
and so are the others.. i feel so lost..

ever wonder why? i hate you grandma.. u left me with a heavy backpack the one i have to carry whereever i go..
you promise all will be well and did it?
you left me with new task everyday to achieve/.

why not have me to this world with a more kind heart, the one that listen patiently.. give me lesser leadership selfishness..

let me die la

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The past few days has been filled with:
-keeping the man accompanied
-working and earning minute for a living
-struggling to keep up with school

i haven had much time for myself, but thats ok, i felt really fufiled, like a efficient and successful person with plan set ahead, and though there are times i feel like a calendar, the sense of accomplishment really suits me =)

and yes, Xue Shan, i am staying happy, thanks for the testimonial, it touched me alot.... hehe.. u are a definite motivator. =)

Ah jek, a.k.a 182, ur head! haha.. some things are meant to tk place slowly.. haha.. will la, soon..

Si jia, haha.. u in no shoe to say jealous to me, cos u have open to more choices, just that you are too picky.. haha

This week onward, we'll all need to be synchronise, planning our schedule ahead of time, making sure we dun clash on certain issues, many of them are so determine to make their last semester worthwhile, i am no extraordinary. And yup, i've secretly slipped in some time during work to finish up the tutorial, well, easier said than done, my determination might not last,..

And there is this issues concerning spending more time with B, in time to come when i am flooded with project, i can foresee him being neglected, hate that side of me, ignoring stuff to concentrate on the other.

so i discuss this issues with Xy, and turns out she has her concern too, but gladly, 182 has talk things out with her, and they have decided not to let relationship distract them away from school.

B told me he will give up ani time we'll spend together as long as its for studies, i am grateful he's sacrificing that. We often talk about how he will have to support me during my further education, it is a dream for now, but often i hope the day will come soon.
Well the public holiday is pretty fun, let see

Monday-- short lesson day
had lesson for a short while, hehe.. convince my group to have a short discussion then leave for B's house, we are suppose to meet Ding Cong& Serene, Darren for a day at Beach Road to get some army stuff, naturally i was happy cos it was my first trip there and i had wanted to get some military stuff there.
The moment i arrived, the long bus journey had already strain me of any other energy left. He open the door for me, went back to his gaming room, then i rest my bag in the room before falling asleep on the bag.
B then called up the rest and turns out the whole trip was cancelled, so Darren had to meet us instead, our initial plan was to go to Vivo City, but we ended in Marina Square, Playing Arcade and catching the "Death Note" let me emphasize Death Note is a really interesting show that require thinking, but BUT beware there is a second part to it, so you will feel SO GEK! when it ended without an ending

We had dinner at the open Food court in Marina Square, i love it there, the atmosphere and all, after that the guys played Billard by the arcade while we await their friend, Melody and Priscella arrival.
Well, Priscella is B's ex girl, which is their current "buddy"/ She was beautiful and all,. and often the topic B and i quarrelled about, so when i learn that she was coming, i became quiet, this led to another whisper quarrel while we board a bus to arab street.
Eventually, the night turns out well, Priscella is a nice girl and Melody kept me very companied. Night fall and B sent me home =)

Work -.-"

ther u have, one friday with B (quarrel), one sat night with B (quarrel) and one sunday with B(Quarrel)...

well at least it often turns out peacful in the end, hate 2 stubborn people communicating, it always ends in quarrell..

Seriously, u all really think quarrel make 2 person closer? i get sick of quarrelling, sometimes i just wanna treat him so well so at least we can skip those quarrel..

Anyway that day we had a fight, as in i wanted to leave and he pull me to stay, AT CINELEISURe.. OMG.. in the end he apologise but i was stubborn not to agree..

the quarrel is probably the worst ever, in the end the poor boy had to kneel down and beg me not to go, its was a REAL heartbreaking scene for me and i swear i NEVER want to see that again, i cried non stop but din noe what to say, i wasn;t ready to tink hard so i suggest going home.

the next day we quarrel more and i was so angry i din wan to go anywhere till its all settle, we had a long talk and he finally break down, saying he is VERY scared to meet me cos he din wan to see me get upset because of him. What he said touched me alot and i was really grateful he has been patient with me despite my temper this days, dunno what got into me.

i really think he is such a nice guy, no longer the baddie i use to tink he is, its makes me feel more assured that our relationship (when i agred) will be success.. he really touched me this time and i must said i was very very apologetic for being silly this days.

We walked up to my house and he wanted to spend some time alone. Dad saw us both with blood shot eyes and when he persuaded B to stay, he rejected.
Dad walk into my room, seeing me staring in the dark room, he switched on the lights and ask me what happen.. i told him about my stupidity and how i despise B.. how my words make him so upset. Dad scold me real bad, telling me how i should treat a person right, i know i was wrong, just dunno how to face them. Dad in particular said this to me:" if you really think you wanna steady things with B, you HAVE to respect him, have to bear with him, suffer and enjoy with him."

He also mention that B is a tough guy with hard background, if i can stand hardship with him, give him room to work hard, we'll be together. Dad is right.. i feel so guilty at that point of time. Dad then asked me to call B to come up to my house.

i called B, asking him to come up, he was startled, abit not willing, eventually he came, Dad mention nuttin, just ask him to stay for the night (its already 12.54pm in the night)
That night B and my brother slept in my room while my sis and i slept in our parents.
I woke up in the middle of the night, walk into my room, and saw him sleeping so soundly, the look on his face, that look so innocent. I feel even more guilty.. i wanted to apologise, but i dun tink he will tk my apology seriously. So i grab his hand unknowingly, whisper a sorry and went back to parent room to sleep.

The next morning, B pretended nuttin has happened, so i decide to let it go too.. we were back to normal again, he fetch me to station before he went home and i went to school..

gosh.. i am tired typing.. read until sian right ?
Monday with B

the night view of esplanade

the place we had our dinner

tink we are romantically together?!~ haha.. no, here's
B best friend-- Darren

well i had spaghetti, hate it when they dun have chicken bolognese

well.. more view of the night esplanade

the overview

here's the best friend, at their best game,
The House of Dead, damn cool gamn

They are real pros k, alot of audience
by Marina Square

some old pic, Party World with Darren and B

Thursday, October 19, 2006

jealousy jealousy jealousy jealousy jealousy!!!!!'
and i still haven gotten hold of you..

and you still feel so insecure.
i am scared, that day might come you might just wanna give up,
but no, the idea haven came

lets talk about me today
why haven i been notice since the day 1 at school? haha.. the fact is there are alot more stuff to be taken into serious consideration in at school. Such as the project group, which brings us the chill, like it always did.

And there is Xue shan losing lotsa of weight!!! i am telling you lor! i am in no shoes to compare to her, she lost so much weight we can see her pelvet bone sticking out, which is DAMN nice la.. she wear sleeveless, every one else should cover themselves up. broad shoulders with sleeveless DAMNnice k.. haha.. of course, my cliques are begin talking about her all day i join in too.. wanna be as successful as her k!!!

And there is also the Xy and 182 issues.. well they are together! haha.. a bit late to annouce this news.. but oh well, i am happy for them, in fact i play gooseberry twice, and can tell they are pretty sweet too.. am i jealous? haha.. not a bit, Xy knows me too well to understand it, the type of relationship i long to have with B and look forward to are in no shoe like those of Xy and 182. Further more, that stupid 182 i know him for 11 years le, whats there to be jealous? thats he is living life hell better than me? no lo!! haha..

182.. u wait ah. i more "dada" then u then u noe!! haha

some more news? haha.. maybe the news that our lecturers this sem are all pretty cranky, cant go into details on this one.

see why all my attention are being diversify? haha. anyway B has all his attention on me!! and thats what matters the most.. counting down to about 15 hours before spending the long weekend with him.. hehe.. excluding the squabble i assume we'll have, the working hours nt with him, the sleeping hours not spending with him.. i am left with a little.. =(

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

how did a monkey brigthen my life?


i wanna thank her.. thats all.. be reward i will post this cute pic of her up

Dear jonathan..
let me make things clear, after this incident u and i are fren.. only friend.
Xy is right,. i cannot hold on to things that i am not true to because of its benefit.
i like B, i wanna be with him, and for that to happen, i must commit. Though B and i are still not together, i have learnt.
You are selfish jonathan, u said after me u will never fall for anyone again. You are selfish, if thats the kind of threaten i receive from you, then u are never forgiven. i will hate you, cos u will make my life miserable.
Wake up, u have a terminally ill brother who needs u around. !
Jonathan, you are the kind of man i have always dream to be with, 5 years my senior, hold a car, has a good job, english speaking, travel many times.. good salary..
but Jonathan, i dun deserve u, to do all this for me, i am all but a selfish soul who looks at your benefit, things get drama, its only till i find the one i thought suits my criteria before i realise is not my happiness.
i reprimand myself, for being selfish, so i am apologetic now. no dun apologise to me.. its all started with me..
Thanks, you are so perfect u have no difficulties finding another =)

Always the silly one,

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Check out Kristal being a women.. i felt really stupid but have the temptation to let my collection of lip gloss tk part in this competition i name -- the lippy pageant.. let me introduce the contestant----

A gift from B's sister
a duo lippy with crystal cover, one side is a delicios brown silverish lipstick while the other side is a pinkish pearly lip gloss,
a gift from b's sister, which i totally love the casing, how sweet right? a heart in the middle.. so GIRLY!!~ =)

Silver lp-gls
a.k.a silvery lip gloss, a pretty product my sister got from my aunty, but amazingly, though the lip gloss stinkingly smell like glue (oh-oh), the silvery liquid stays on the lip pretty well, amazing, it doesn;t comes off till u wipe it clean.. (maybe its really glue? will try using it to paste something tomorro)

E.L lp-gls
Estee Lauder lip gloss, as u can see, the lip gloss is half use, look vintage but no! i haven decide to dump it away, the peachy fruity smell of the lip gloss makes u wanna put it on all day. The colour is abit off beige and suit a summer shopping trip with lip that wont crack. The off-beige colour also contain a bit of glitter so ur watery looking lips look not only watery, but shimmering.. how very ESTEE LAUDER!

Linden leave
mention this before. An new zealand brand who use to have a branch in Singapore, now completely ripped off. The lip gloss are of high-quality, selling at about S$20 per stick, makes the lip stay good, smelling of strong apple scent, and makes ur lip looks wet!!! all the time! one of my past-favourite

Red Earth collection
probably my worst purchase of lippy so far, i hate their stuff, cant stand the feeling of it, no scent to entertain me, colour runs, not watery, cant see the effect,.,. oh gosh

Nivea Care
stolen from my younger sis who still doesnt realise her lip care is gone. Contain a faint shade of pink, very sweet, makes ur lip look natural yet care for your lip, no scent, does not leave stain on glass, been using it for about 2 yrs now.. still cant finish -.-"

London Candice
LOVE IT!!! love is as much as the gift from B's sister, both are crystal casing, both look oh-so GIRLY.. colour is transparent pink glitter.. haven actually tried it on.. cant bear to spoil it.. a gift from Candice, a air-stewardess who bought if for me from London..

and who shall be bethrone the title "Miss Lippy 2006"? stay tune for the next entry!!~

~~~~~ to be continued

Sunday, October 08, 2006

thank you B's sister (commonly known as Er Jie)
She got me this Make-up bag that i TOTALLY loved <3

Why i love the new make up bag?
-it totally matches the badges that B got me each time he buys a Revoltage Tee shirt, i even pinned it up.. see =)
- there are like invisible, yet damn shoppaholic style flowers print on the black base!
- there are enough compartment to even squeeze little details into the bag such as a elastic band to secure those tiny-travel-size make-up samples.
- it totally makes me feel...--- welcomed!

haha.. promoting my bag, though i SIMPLY love it, dun mind selling it out, a lease of love for sale!! price negotiable, haha.. call 1800-selling-kristal-love

Gosh, just 2 days spending with B makes me fly.. and now i shall have to fly back to ground, cross my fingers and draw more "Zheng" (word in chinese) till the days he booked out again..

working, day before B booked out and fetch me home from work, not much to say, told ya about the cook-me-noodle thingy le
during work got SO EMOTIONAL, i mean, its really tiring sometimes falling for a Army guy, he just NEVER seems to have time for you. Anyway, i got so upset, needed some time alone, he came to visit me during work, but ended leaving the shop angrily cos i ignore him.

i am a sicko who regrets my stupidity. Anyway, i completely shut off my phone and wanted to leave in my own world (which also means my mood was SO affected, my sales hit a mere $300 on a FREAKING CROWDED saturday)

the touching thing is he called up the other outlet and finally got hold of my shop number, ad yes, as usual i got a earful from him, but my heart was too full for any of his words, i hang up the phone slowly and lived in my own world for another 2 hours..

i guess B sense something seriously wrong, he den asked me out after work. Well, by then i was back to mortal world, behaving like a normal human soul.. so ya.. things went back to normal

B's dad birthday at Spring Court at China town!! OMG my FIRST meet-the-ADULT-family session.. the previous few meetups were with his cousin, this is the first formal ONLY-ELDERLY allowed dinner.
yes, we have his grandma(dun ask me how old, his dad is already 63 and still going strong), his aunty, uncle, 2nd uncle, both his twin sisters (da jie and er jie)..
imaging like 8 pair of eyes staring at me.. first with fierce expression, then follow by a "hey C*** G***, when is ur turn to bai xi jiu?"

shy**************** his dad laugh at us, his sister spoke up for me.. its fun cos his family are SO supportive..

Love the Dinner, with B's company, though i understand 0% of their dialect 99% of the time, when needed, b will translate it for me=) its ESPECIALLY makes me happy whenever he tries his best to keep me company in the midst of a all-adult place.. i am the ONLY UNDER 20!! -.-"

back to mortal ground again, he booked in.. i am a loner.. haha.. NOPE I AM DEFINITELY NOT!!! will hang out with my all-time favourite Best Guy-friend--- JERK tomorro!!!!! CANT WAIT...

p/s Jerk-- NO!!! u cant change ur name,.. !! haha.. u know why this name was created!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Love my blog-------- thank you Xue Li.. hehe..

loves tagboard, its makes me strong..
Who knows one day i might be as famous as blogger such as

haha... i know.. day- dreaming again.. today is the SWEETEST

haha.. drooling with envy? dun be..
**lets make is short, my reader are getting sick of hearin my good stuff
B fetch me home from work, i am dead tired, tot i lost my pay cos i remember leaving it in my bag.. frantically search my bag, he search mine too.. then both of us were silence for a while, i broke the silence cos i need some1 to console but he choose to keep quiet.

so what did i do? haha.. gently seduce him ( as in bluff him i am going to hold his hand), his eyes almost lid up, then i grab the hand, put it into my hand and bite his arm!!!~

Ok people, i am NOT sick!!` i love biting people, dun ask me why.. haha.. anyway B knows the panick i felt inside so he kept quiet and let me bite.. we then hurried up my house and open my safe!!~ Fuck i left the money inside all along.. i sigh relief and he laugh so hard at my foolishness, needless to say i got about 15 min of scolding from him for being "good at books, stupid at book-keeping"

and i was DAMN HUNGRY cos i haven eat the whole day (Packing stocks at Hooked Clothings, damn so tiring)
B offer to cook me dinner, cos we hurried to my house till we forget to buy me food.. he is SOOOOOOOOoooooooooo sweet!~ He took out the instant noodle (-.-"), cooked it, fried an egg, then mixed it well and spread the egg on top...
(wonder where i was? haha.. i was sitting on the kitchen table.. still laughin at my own stupidity, while watching a silly boy cooking)

My family were away at my Aunty's for a mooncake festival steamboat, so B allow (he ACTUALLY grant ME permission) me to eat in MY room.. while he serve the net for a while.
After i finish the noodle, he left my house.. T_T.. what a lonely mooncake festival..
went to bath and came out, there was a sms "sorry cant accompany you.. happy Mooncake Festival"
OMG>> !! i am freaking HAPPY!!~ even happier than if we DID celebrate mooncake festival together..

->B was the 1 st guy to cook for me
-> B was the only guy who bother to msg me this when i needed the good wishes, right at the DOT
-> B .......... haha..

okok.. no more B... a bit of Good news thought!!~

Sharon and my art are appreciate by a few good souls who kindly invite us to share a slot in their push cart, provided they receive a part of the commission as goodwill.. *discussion in process
Freddy the Boss wants to rent me and Sharon a space in MY WORKPLACE to sell our shoes, with EVEN LESSER renting charges than ANY OTHER place.. he is also locating his Thailand supplier to MAYBE provide us with the supply of school shoes.

hahahahAHAHHAHahahaHAAHHAHaha.,. -.-"

mad me, no mooncakes, only madness!!~

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Proud of the shoe, made it for B.. hehe.. i am going to start on the lady version now, so DKrisS will have its very own couple DkrisS
i call it ... B-loved.
sounds corny i know..
hehe.. get jealous people,
do let me know if u gals or guys wans a couple series too..
u know i do it great and well
Gives thanks =)
when i first saw those design send in by darlin Sharon... OMG she is a GENIUS..

i admit defeat... with her support soon DKrisS is SO GONNA GET FAMOUS....
she's the Lady!!!~ People TRUST ME GO VISIT NOW>.. dun buy also can.. see her design and leave her a tag..... i tink she truly deserves the praise...

and i am still stuck in the misdst of creating the wonderful--- artpiece for B...

there is a diff in both mine and Darlin Sharon' work.. she is an appreciative of nature art, with true landscape.. her style is feminine yet contain that bit of tease..

My art piece is of a virtual nature. i like to combine all the strangest things togeter and form weird patterns.. i especially loves the butterfly combime with twirl... it turns me on..... know what i mean?!~?

anyway DKriss is this little gallery to show my art, my darlin Sharon's art.. Thought many times she did mention wanna leave the blog and start out on her own, i pray to God she doesn;t./ she is like my commercial free advertising, my products are like the see-only-when-there-are-more-interesting-stuff.. her is the real Goddess,,


well.. anyway it came upon as a shock that Xue shan reads my blog.. hehe.. not bad ah.. i have the school top student viewing my blog too.. pardon my funny language.. i speak bad english (erm-hem!!` haha)

anyway today i am feeling really fine.. yesterday was a twirl of unhappiness yet todays nuttin seems to bring me down..

anwyay Sis came back from her PSLE and sob that she lost 14 fucking marks in her math paper today.. apparently 3 very differemt question.. it tot i will do justice solving it for her..

so the question goes, some sort like the ration of the number of green apples to red apples is 3:2, after i sold some apples away i now have 83 more green apples to red.. how many did i sold?
this isthe most ridiculous question i've ever came across..
Kristal cannot SOLVE it... i cannot believe this.. com'on, i din score A1 in A-math and A1 in E-math for NUTTIN..

o there was half an hour gone.. drawing diagrams, using algebra.. still not knowing what and how to begin.. i reprimand the Government for setting such ridiculous question.. and went on and on about how my sister was not to be blame.. till ALL OF A SUDDEN

the sister, a.k.a Kristi:"jie, i tink i forget one sentence, something like i initially have how many apples one"

!@#%#$^$%^&%&*^(&*)&*() stupid Kristi..
the truth is, she forgets to include the MOST important sentence in the question.. needless to say, all my curses were for NUTTIN!!!~

ok.. there i was rattling about this whole PSLE -- matter. com'on, i only score a mere 212 for my PSLE.. so i better shuddup. =X

today i woke up. doll a little and went to far east to collect my pay!!!~
then rush to Takashimaya and bought the mooncakes from Four Seasons for my family and some for B's family..
then i board a fucking long bus to Eunos and send the mooncakes to his Dad, who was smiling with glee and practically thanking me like he has won a lottery..
then i took another fucking 854 back to my house.. and here i am blogging..

tomorrow is another doom day.. the day i look so forward to spending with B was gone..
all because i cannot say no to the boss..
shit!!~ kristal sucks, the only day i so look forward to... and all of sudden, Hooked Clothings called and says they needed my help tomorrow.. i wanted so badly to say no.. coming up with funny excuses.. but uncle heng says he will call Freddie to ask permission to "borrow" his girl to work..
................. Freddie says yes..
i have to work.. dunnow how to tell B...
its gonna turn out really upsetting.. =(
as upsetting as i can feel now..

Kristal... u still suck

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

the best way to recover from yourself is to----- not be yourself..
the best way to temporarily forget something is to----- do something else.

thats what i did..
grab my bag left for work.
Aunty florence told me sales has been bad since the 1st,
i am the one that create history with sales last month,
this months its no different.. push the sales..
got 2 clothes entitlement for my good sales
this is the 11th pieces since the new system is implement.. i am doing good.

its wonderful not being yourself, you behave like u see others..
i feel like the actress in Tokyo Juliet today..
vunerable but not wanting to let it bring me down..
today i acted like her, be her.. and i was happy..

B called, he got me screaming on the phone,, like a young girl waiting for her mummy to call her when she's overseas.. we talk for a short while and ended the phone call.. i wanted it short and sweet.. after that we msg continuosly...
the strange yet amazing thing is when he ask me why i ignore his msg the whole day, i told him i needed some time alone--- guess what? he understand.. =)

unsettling in this land where i cannot adapt, i wanted a short-cut in life, B says i am a fairy tale, i expect happily-ever-after..
we;ve been hanging together for a while now.. i am changed, i no longer fancy happily-ever-after, B was right.. life is practical..
thou many may disagree saying that his words will screw my dreams, it din.... it actually make me respect him more, cos here's one man who bother to tell me the truth, that fairy tale are eventually fairy tale...

Many are right, the reason why B and i are not together is not because i wanted a variety of choices, like i denied a few million times, the truth is- i dun wanna get hurt.. i remember the night Dad agrees to let me stayover at Sharon's for the 1st time. He wanted me to stay with a comfortable company, that night Sharon and i watched VCD, she shut it off after a while and talk to me.. that night i cried like the time i cried when Grandma passed away..
i wrote in my previous blog.., now no longer avaible,. those period of surviving Lester's gone.
ever since that period, i tot life was gone, Grandma left me , then Lester,
WeiZhe was right, i was scared, no longer wanting o give 100%... fear is the main feeling..

today's me is another classical case of fear, each serious conversation with him makes me worried that one day he will end up like Lester, yet thoug the fear is around, i din wanna pretend to be who i am not.. i must show him the real me..

B says i cry too much, he make me cry too much, he broke down a few times, blaming himself for being useless,
last night he told me the first time i reject him after we broke up for 3 years, after i finally braek the news that all along i was taking revenge, just trying to make him fall for me than dump him like the way i was fooled-- he swear that he wanted to care for me, that he never want to see me cry, that he wanted to be my healing hand, to stop the Kristal from being revengeful.
he mention it was alright to fooled him, cos since that day he knew how much a jerk he was, and how much he din wan to be..
last night he cried, saying how sorry he is to make me cry till today. He say he failed to achieve the goals.. and was afailure..

i was upset not because he wasn't good to me, but because i still wonder why he and i--- so incompatible, but yet still insist on liking each other.. we are both stubborn, we squabble.. i cannot stand the tiniest details on him.. neither can he stand my "princessi-ness" yet we die die insit on carry on.. so frustuating..

he make the effort, we talk for a while on my way home,
tomorrow i am going alone to Taka to get mooncakes, a box for my family (he pay--meaning he get it for my family la), a box for his family (i pay-- meaning i buy for his family la)... then i will delvered it to Eunos for him..
then i will go home, not spending any money, he might have nights off.. then we'll meet..

hai........ i am like a sian qi liang mu... a stupid housewife..
what more can this power overpower me..

thanks Cuz.. love u and u know it..
thanks yi, love ur advise..

i am fine.. =)
my swollen eyes..
yet last night conversation went fantastically nice..
now i understand..
money is not everything..
i want u over the money..
its you..

i woke up this morning, thinking its all fine now..
he left me a msg telling me he has change station for some shooting event.. we msg a little then i left for gym..
din complete gym, it went halfway.. i feel so vulnerable..
Jed seems engross with other stuff.. i feel leftout.. todya's just not my day.. another round of mood-swing.. took my stuff,, left the gym without a word.. need to talk to someone.. my tears starts rolling again (oh gimme a break. my eyes are already swollen)
called Ah bang.. he's not in schooll.. thats' it..
bought some Macdonald to cheer myself up.. walk down the usua; alley all by myself..

then i finally saw some familiar faces, those faces were like a ray of light from a tunnel.. i rush forward and hug one.. then cry like nobody's business.. i couldn;t care if i was in the middle of the road.. just need to talk..
them i finally smile.. walk on home.. a very very long road..
i walked for about an hour.. then went home..
washed up and get ready to work..
dunno what to say..

i am getting weaker.. so vulnerable.. i can break down anytime..
i am a weak Kristal

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Those squabble down late in the night..
those words that irritates me as much as urself.
we dun click on character, its already be identified.

those caress of ur tummy as it gets firmer and firmer
show ur concern and worries that makes you oh so thinner
those kisses on forehead that indicate all will be fine.
makes me wonder sometimes why u have tat magic in you

When we dun click, we squabble and fight
my tears u cant handle, u surrender and sigh
"a women tear should not be show to others"
yet i cannot control those sorrow, of dating another

----- unfufiled feelings--------

another tiny squabble.. i wonder how long it can last
already things seems shaky and so not meant to be
but both of us hadn;t tot of giving up.
my feelings for you only grow stronger day by day.

B is away, booked in his 9 roommates bunk bed, finally decide to let his mind rest at ease and enter dreamland. Our conversation today din turn out well, but it din matter cos it just doesn't.

Mum and Dad and Kristi drop me a surprise visit today, it's amazing how old people can plan such surprise, of course i was shock yet had a tingle of excitement, its like a surprise i only get in 19 years. Told them the gift B wanted to get for our family for Autumn Festival, they were touched yet lecture me for making him spend the money, com'on, it was him who initiate good mooncakes..

B wanted to cook Bak-ku-teh too on friday. Then he could bring some home for his dad and leave the rest for my family. he wanted to fried some other stuff but fried is an illegal action at my home. That sentence i warn him makes him offended, so the session was ended with some dissatisfaction.

Nevertheless, i was reprimanded for bloggin- as usual. Apparantly i got so engross over updating my blog i din call him in time, resulting in that fool falling asleep.. he was unhappy the next day, but it simply makes me smile, to know that he was ultimately just concern about me. i told him bloggin was my only arm of support, a spirit that keeps me going, like the tagboard where people tells me its ok that we quarrel, its ok that things goes wrong and how well he treats me.. it makes me motivated to carry on. But B disagree, saying the blog only makes me fly. He rather i not know how well things are btw us, sounds contradicting i know.. so what happens in the end? As usual, another round of squabbles..

we squabbles, never gets tired of it, gets irritated all the times, but he stil cares.

sometimes dating an army guy is a real torture.
you have to bear with the pain of suffering alone, not updating ur happenings till its postpone till he is free to listen to you.
you have to walk that extra mile to do his favour as well as urs.
Things only happen to you, he dun update u much, cos NS is forver NS, what more happening do u expect?

that also means that her dating schedule is fixed and HIGHLY RESTRICTED..

i admire girls who started their relationship with their bf only when he enters the NS cos she is brave enough to bear the consequence, of being left alone, of him not being around when u need him most. Of not getting his consolation when u wanna hear his motivation. These gals are like heroines, willing to be the quiet angel behind these men's back, supporting them, giving them countless confirmation that she is not cheating on him. NS guys can be SO INSENSITIVES, which is why i am taking forever to finalise things with B.

i am just not so brave.. =(

Sunday, October 01, 2006

30/9/2006 - D.K.S annual bring ur boyfriend get-together
this is a annual get-together btw me and my best friend. A lunch together and talk session. It was a really big event for me cos i look forward to it every year. However, this year turns out fair.

To begin with, my fear has turn truth, this is the third annual meeting and the third guy i brought along to the event. Of course my best friends understand, but i couldn;t help but wonder why am i always the one end up bringing a different.

Denise: *while taking pic " iam going to tk a pic of u and B, i hope this time i wont have to delete the pic before i evenm upload them"

damn damn damn!!! haha.. it was funny hearing that comment but oh well, i have to admit the previous 2 "relationship" din went off very well

Kristal:" i know, i also dun feel good each time the bf sees me i am with a different guy, this one's good, hope can last.... dun like that la"

then we all laugh it off..
Anyway B was late, for some reason he had his lunch before he join us, and HQ has a fever, so turns out only Sharon and her darlin Caifu and me and Denise were eating at Mahattan at PS.

Sharon:" can tell he change alot le, why not give him a chance?"

this question struck as a O leveL TEN YR SERIES QUESTION TO ME, and the typical answer to that question is:" i haven gotten over Lester"

ut that*s not the case anymore... i have gotten over lester!!!
naturally i was stuck, speechless!

B had made me feel so wonderful, sometimes waking up to his call, he was the sweetest, always a phone call away to his familiar :" open the door now"
and when i did, he was there, smiling at me, like an sweet alarm clock asking me to wake up.

he was almost my everything.. i like him as much as he likes me,,
God.. i am confuse... am i like this? why on earth did i fall for someone so fast?

i mean ya, he was my ex-boyfriend... but ex-boyfriend? -.-"

have i fallen into this trap yet again?????????????????????????