Wednesday, April 09, 2014

wedding thoughts @ 09apr2014

Clarinda is soooooooo funny
She skype me yesterday & spoke words as thou she had her crystal ball
where on earth did i reveal all the details i dont remember i did
I suspect she was living in my mind 
I told her i miss her so much, and if she was around she would get even more hands on on my wedding then i would have done so.
Then we drifted to no-sense talk (like we did all the time)
and talk about franchising a bakery, 
but first my dearest, make a name for yourself in Germany
i cant wait to tell my friends "the famous German bread shop, was open by a friend of mine.. a dear dear old friend"

Clar also share the thoughts i had about the upcoming wedding
i am overworrying that the delicacy bbbb & i paid for
will taken as cheapskate food in the eyes of our guest. 
You see, each & every name placed on the guestlist are people 
that matters to us both, 
as much as we wish to put in much of our Rodkris elements,
we were equally worried how the others might not enjoy themselves. 
This wedding does not come cheap, 
i swear i am not talking for the sake of hoping for some charitable ang pow, 
in fact at this stage we are factoring all the odds of 
receiving zero favors from the others, 
afterall, what right do we have to challenge their ability to send us their congrats. 

I;ve been talking about how i am going to westernize this wedding, 
like those fancy Platinum & bridezilla show i'm highly addicted to.
Then i was told by this ang mo friend of mine
that in westernize wedding, you dont expect favors in monetary terms, 
infact, items such as plates & pots are popular choices, 
this items will be specially handpick by your guest with the intention to congratulate your new married like as a family. 
I really like the significance behind this, but also consider the undesirable, "what if i am going for a futuristic home theme, and all the gift receive scream old-china" hahahha
what kind of thoughts am i harboring, i fear to think further.. 

Looks like at this stage, the most important part of our bigday is almost done - the wedding reception reservation
We'll be meeting our event's organizer to sign on the contract & place the deposit for the bigday. 
With that done, it's time to slowly get hands on DIY the wedding theme, 
& dolling up the pretty bridesmaids/best men for the gate crash
i wish i had the luxury to include all my close friends as bridesmaid
but bbb had to warn me to cut down on them because their dresses does not come cheap, 
and because i feel alot of them are much prettier than i am 
i might feel very belittle
dont get me wrong, my final 8 bridesmaid( yes EIGHT what i am i thinking) are still the prettier among the lot, 
think air-stewardess, school belle, tall & lanky, long hair & fair skin
i have already shed tears ONCE (just ONCE so far) when my self-esteem get the better out of me, 
i remember being in the car & worrying how i will look the least attractive when i stand together with my bridesmaid
then bbbb had to remind me again & again i was over-worrying.. 

what was i thinking really, i am going mad
i am suppose to look my best only for the man i had my eye on
bbb says he wasnt going to faze alittle even with the selection of bridesmaid i had, he only had eyes on me.. 
sounds comforting right?  (* Clar, i hate you but i love you & thank God you are out of this team so at least i can bitch to someone)
then the non-selfish part of me look forward to seeing them all dressed up & looking like dolls (seriously i have split personality)....

All in all, just 8 more months to the big day, i need to save my #botakissue (2 scalp treatment & $210 burnt so far), lose some weight (as though the weekly run hasnt kill me yet).. 
and put on pretty make up (hair & make up, someone save me on this)

i CANNOT wait to spend time whisking away with besties in the hot bangkok street for my so-call hens night. 
I've tot through this & if there is only one person i want to spend time with, 
doing the pregnant planning & working on how to seduce my husband
then Besties is the best person i want to speak to.

This blog is getting dry, it should be rename as "planning for the big day.. haix" 


Tuesday, April 08, 2014

pre-wedding jitters

For years, i have never been prouder of being a believer of luck.
Just today, yet another accident has prodded me to really look into what exactly has been creating this aura around my family & i. 

Then i was dumbfounded, some sort of intuition you might call it
Thankfully i persisted to shift this particular item back to where it was, 
and like bbb claim there was a gust of wind & all of a sudden the sunshine shone down on me like the bad weather has subside.. 
Argh, its hard to convince myself what happen today wasnt my imagination
and again, i am thankful for bbb & his belief that i wasnt making things up when i suspect something was amiss

The preparation for our big day is drawing closer by the min, 
the process has seen more laughter than argument, 
i am so glad i had not regret a single min the man i chose to spend my lifetime with
Back to the silly memories where Sharon besties said it nonchalently, 

" i like how he smile, how he say silly jokes, i like how he sleep, i like how he takes care of his bike, how he eat, i like how he talks, how he moves, i dunno lah.. i love everything about him"

Magical aint it? The simple words put through by besties about her now husband (she said those words a long way back, before he even got his driving license) has brought my understanding of a lifetime commitment to a whole new level. 
I can safely say it will a smile, 
that i understood what she had meant, the thoughts & feelings she carried, as she say those stuff about him.
because i feel the same way too Besties, about bbbbb
and for that matter, i know better than anyone i had found a lifepartner, my soulmate, & a bolster to hug to bed :)

What's even more comforting is how we both share the same values & take on our upcoming wedding. 
Simply put, as long as we enjoy our party (that we paid for)
really, all else does not matter
yes, apart from those stuff we agree unanimously to do 
to show respect from our parents 
otherwise, this whole party's gonna be a blast, 
because we choose to make it that way

i use to see myself walking down the aisle dress like Cinderella, 
with my updo hair all neatly tied up & in those dreams
i'll be tall enough to skip the heels & still look like maxi was made for people like me -.-"
Reality, however, was an ass, so height really does matters
nope, the hunt for a wedding gown hasnt given me much jitters
apart from bbbb's constant nagging for me to go try some dresses on

it's gonna be so fun becauase he wont get to see what i will put on
till the actual day, and like all the other important people to me, 
i hope to fill their eyes with tears when they say the boyish girl they all know, look all grown up & demure enuff to say "I DO" before the JP... 
*digressing again.. shit i am good at this.. 

snapping out of my dream again, here's to 7 more months of planning, bridezilla-ish behaviors & lotsa of pretty dresses
i cant wait to start feeling nervous :)


Thursday, April 03, 2014

Gratitude - giving thanks

They say it is easier to forget than to hate, i have to agree with this one.. 

Today i fathom over how someone can dislike me for no reason, or perhaps a reason not serious enough for anyone to realize. 
It's not like i am over-thinking or anything, but other's have commented the same
and we all think- that she must be pretty deliberate to intentionally cause me discomfort

i do not support the idea of causing her the same amount of misery
because quite frankly, i cannot be bothered
or it could be the kind of attention spam she's seeking
the thrill of having me get back at her that started this cycle
but i am lazy, too lazy to the extend that her presence does not affect me, 
of course with exception to when she makes the environment around me uncomfortable to live in
then that is when i share this uncertainty with my friends
who give me the same advise to ignore her, which i pretty much do most other time. 

i am thankful for the opportunities thrown to me so far, 
as much as possible i try to grab every single chance others has given me to shine
however, i am not the sort to volunteerily offer my help 
in order to impress others, perhaps that is to my disadvantage. 
Nevertheless, God is very very kind to me because unlike many others, 
i have the chance to amend my mistake or perform better given a second chance

Last night over dinner i talk to bbb about my 2 failures in life
Kristal is a perfectionist, an extremist that finds it hard to muster the courage to admit to failure. 
Citing the example of my driving test, 
just how many learnt that i had flunk it the first time in early January 2014? 
It was an experience so bad that the only person i decided to share first-hand (apart from bbbb who always stays on top of the priority list)... is Clar, who lives miles away in Germany 
i cannot accept my failure, especially since i knew fully well how much i could have pass this - without nervousness-

It was my instructor & tester who both told me the same thing, 
that i had allow nerve to get the better of me, 
hence making a careless mistake that cause me my license
What came after that experience is the loss of sleep & 
loads of tears that stream down non-stop, 
as if exchanging for a second chance to rewind time 
the next couple of months my instructor was no longer zealous
to work on my case, 
he commented times & again i could have pass
Then i finally did it in March on my re-take, 
& score an astonishingly 8 points on the driving test

i am a perfectionist, even when God offer me a 2nd chance, 
it had to work, or else.. 

The same thing for my 2nd failure in life, 
the fact that i once flunk accounts, 
the same subject i took 3 times over secondary, poly & then Uni
the same unexplainable feelings i have from failing'
there was nothing other than nervous that could have drag down my result

i am a perfectionist, i need to complete something i have started,
or i shall live with regrets. 

Planning for a new live with Rodman is taking its toll on me.
some days all i have in my mind was to figure an excellent plan 
that does not cause a deep hole in our pocket, 
then i realize i must have been too enthusiastic about this planning,
it is another 8 months till the actual day, what am i worrying about
yet there's one thing i know for sure, i want to be super hands-on in the execution
i want to be the planner others hire for their big day, 
i want to work for my client - ironically MYSELF. 

i am a perfectionist, nothing must go wrong... 
Apart from all of this, i am thankful that each day passes with my realization of how great everyone around me is treating me. 
i am beginning to appreciate all the time i get to spend with my parents, 
its not that i might lose them soon, 
but i might never get the chance to appreciate this feeling of being pampered, 
without feeling obligated to spare a thought for my other half
like we all know, its 2 lives living 1 by then 
i am not selfish, and i am thankful he has expanded his own social circle to include me as a part of it
and just like him, i wish to incorporate him as part of my everyday, from the moment we swear by the vows :)

i am thankful besties & i have inculcate a friendship that is beyond words
i am thankful each time i click on my photo gallery in my phone i see streams of pictures of her sweetheart, who is now formally known as my GodDaughter, 
she is so precious & so blessed with the love of a loving parents, more so with the additional love from bbb & i.. 
i feel like i have to protect her from any harm, that all too soon one day she will learn to decide things on her own
and we will all lose that privilege we have now
to carry her around as & when we want to

i am thankful for the job i hold & the pay that is transferred into my bank account, i am blessed with the ability to return the favor & loan i have made from the kind people who had offer their financial help during my dark times. 
i want them to feel happy receiving this money i made with my on hands, 
and i am thankful the job i hold gives me the chance to do so, 
apart from the black sheep that tries to make my life miserable, 
i am thankful the rest of my colleagues are an awesome bunch of genuine friends i have make. 
I am especially glad we can take time off work to spend chilling over drinks & talking about anything, ghost encounter, how to overcome our fear.. etc.. 
Its not like everyday you can gathering an awesome combi of great people to stick around you, so i will treasure this moment. 

i am also super thankful for bbbb's company & the chance they have given him, 
i have seen him grow from someone who lack the experience to someone who is confident enough to promise something will work
he use to have much lower self-esteem but this has since change, 
i hear him talking about how his hardwork had pay off & it makes me super super proud that he is the sort of guy that works hard in order to see result, 
it reminds me so much of my own Dad, who had to hold 2 jobs to see us through school when we were much younger. 
i always reminded myself how i am making a correct decision to choose this guy
because in him, i see the very man i saw in my dad, someone whom
i respect with so much pride, because of the countless achievement they have unlock 
that is beyond my limit to achieve given the opportunity, 
i shall try to do my best to make this relationship last, 
like it did for my own parents, then only will i gain respect for myself. 

i am filled with much gratitude, life compromises so much for me to be thankful for. 
With each beginning comes new realization, i know i can only stay this happy & positive had i count my blessings, and i am glad i did :)