Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Baby.... i know you dont want to hear this, but i really want us to work things out right
Today's journey home was heavy, it was yet another day of heavy heart.

i refuse his request to walk me home, the look in his eye were obvious signs of tiredness, the silence we held throughout the train journey adds on to the akwardness. Like he said there was a big question mark between us.

Today i question my feelings for him yet again, the only answer that i had given myself remains the same - i am still crazily in love with this guy, yet why does the feeling feel different? The current feeling had a sour, bitter and strangely sad feeling added to it.

I was a mad dog today, i couldnt stop pestering him for a tiny bit of attention, i promise myself today will be different, i promise myself today i will show my strong side and leave him alone to get busy with his work. Yet i fail again, at 3pm i was bonkers, i was going crazy staring at the phone hoping it will rang.

It wasnt like this the previous times, there were so many evidence of him pestering me any time of the day, wanting that tiny bit of attention and we will exchange words of encouragement, then we will hang up the phone and perhaps drop another call again minutes later. i had always tot such action was the sweetest thing he had done, and its with this encouragement that keeps me going.

Today, he mention how much he seek my understanding that this time it was different and he was really busy, i knew deep down inside i wish i could leave him alone also, so why din i? i hated myself, the way he puts it, i knew it was all mu fault, my fault for wanting the past to re-enact it self, for him to see me the way he first do. But it was all in the past.. things cannot go back to the way it was.

The first month was unique, he had repeatedly make the effort to do things over and over again cos it matters and knowing this was the start, he wanted to make it perfect, i was referring to how he can walk over to my side and offer to open the door for me, make the effort to tell his mum what i did for him, how he sink into bed after msging me those sweet nothings, how he started his day msging me sweet nothings. Then when we meet he was the sweetest, grabbing my hands whenever he can, placing his hand on top of mine when he is driving.

Those tiny things he did, all made my heart melt. it seems like months have passed and he no longer felt some thing were worth doing. Even the act of holding my hands diminished, to him, i was like a burden he knew he had to carry... yet i want to hold on, cos i cannot let go yet.. cos i haven lose that feeling yet..

After knowing i wasn't attractive to him physically, i din know how to carry on presenting myself, i lost the interest in bothering to dress up, lost finding excuse to make him praise me. i feel very very ugly in front of him, despite him explaning why he stop attempting to held me tight like he use to, i was loss at what to do. For the first time in my life, i lose myself.

I feel so ugly, extremely unattractive in front of him, he told me he did not feel the threat when others make attempt to tackle me. althought he mention it was cos he was confident of himself, i felt i was more convince cos i am not worth it.

today i told him i will learn to tk this relationship less seroiusly, and he agrees to it, telling how apologetic he was that things hadnt change for the better and it was worst than the prevoius one. i was extremely heartbroken, mainly because i cannot believe how he could compare himself with that man, and how he mention he fail too. So i am the person who determine if my partner fail in a relationship? Or was it all me? Could all my ex-bf do better when they do not date me? Was he trying to hint me that i was too forceful in this relationship?

His silence overcome all the trauma we encounter today, and like him, i no longer want to solve it verbally, i have learnt from him that silence provide the best solution, all he did was look at me with that sadness i feel it. I feel guilt and apologetic.

I hate the way i am loving this guy, i really really miss those days....... why cant God give me a second chance and turn time back just 6 months ago? Why was i to face his business follow by his disappearance for 12 months at the same time knowing i was no longer attraction physically?

Tomorrow is finally April1st. this was the day i pray so long to come, yet when it finally draw near, i am wishing it will tk a longer time to come. Reason being because this has only proves his deterimination at work and it only shows when he has other commitment, i was to excuse myself. Thought after april 1st thing might get slightly better, i tremble with fear anticipating the next big project he might face, when i was to be pushed to one corner again.

i feel so lonely on a tuesday night, BB, if only i listen to my heart and love u lesser, maybe it wont feel so bad. Why did u mention u were upset to hear i was hurting myself? From your point of view i realise i was a scary gf who mutilate herself to gain attention, this is psychologically wrong and why is it that i dun remember myself reaching this extreme? What are u driving me at?
Or was i really sick in the head?

Friday, March 27, 2009

i am in pain, why does it starts to hurt. i tot this time it will be different.

He is the sweetest man on earth, but we have the deepest problem together.

Today i went paranoid, those torturing hours of him not contacting me
i feel like a second priority, like a part timer in on call basis
When he told me thereafter he was busy with work, it got me even angrier

what exactly was wrong with me? i am losing my mind, all i can remember is,

i cry, den i laugh den i cry again.

i must have been under alot of pressure, and sad to admit this relationship at this stage has only add on the weigh.

This morning i wake up with a mouthful of blood, i went to the toilet and spit them out but it was still bleeding, i was too restless to check the root of the bleeding,
Then when he msg me after so long saying he fell asleep which is why he haven reply me,
i feel blood running in my mouth again,

this time it still din stop. i went to the mirror and saw a very healthy teeth was bleeding profusely
it was the decaying tooth kind of bleeding, i was clenching my teeth too hard in anger that it bled.

Then i recall the sleep i had last night,
filled with tears and mucous, fear and absolutely no assurance,

i must have clenched my teeth harder last night, it bled so much this morning.

This symptons is new, i haven seen something like this before, althought kristi reveal many times its very horrifying hearing the sound of my clenching teeth moving front and back non stop.

i dunno what hatred have i clocked up this time, this man is killing me slowly,

whenever we had a problem i can only choose to ignore it or confess,

he hasnt done his part in "realising" a problem has occured,

den when he was confronted, he kept his silence, occasionally calling out my name after which he kept his silence and stare at me

it is killing me inside, those call of desperacy yet the struggle to tell me in the face! my anger has reached a level i can describe except that whenever i explode it was really hard to bring myself back to normal again.

He puts the blame on himself, afterwhich it was a meaningless sorry that even he himself have no idea what it was for. At this point the only wise thing to do was to accept it.
I tot we were happy, he was always there for me, but when problem occurs i realise i swallow my pride and fucking shut up.

Today i was out of my mind, yet he din bring himself to ask me about it. I ignore him throughout the whole time he was in the shop, den when Pauline came all was well and i fake myself to lighten the atmosphere, of which he din help much, the journey home was good as i try to probe him into talking to me, yet when all was over and he still refuses to cooperate, i give up, i blew my top and really, really want to stay away from him.

Today Canele Saliken and Fireman wanted to ask me along with their gf for a supper cum talk, i was feeling so left out after his busy workload that i really wanted to agree. Pauline and Macho also agree to join us after work. Yet when i told him about it i was confronted with threat like how i am forcing him to accept that he cannot change my mind. i was filled with shame when i rejected the guys, god knows how many times already!~

Then i begin to ask myself why i choose to do all this? why had i let this man who cannot even speak for himself to control me? Why had i planned a good saturday to cheer us both up? Why had i insist on making things right?

Its cos i really see ourselves together for a long time, its because he use to be this super nice guy who appreciate doing every single thing with me, its because i din know in the past how he can keep everything to himself and make it super obvious that he was keepig it from me.

I really miss those time when we first started out together, obstacle full yet free from pressure, a underground excitement, the outing he use to plan all so well and organised, the constant smile on his face when he sees me, the "please" and "thank you" manner we communicate, the understanding him who doesnt see any fault with my friend and family, the him who always find it hard to get his hands off me. The way he confess how he like it when i bite my lip.

It has all be a past, the new rodman is a very different man that sees everything in a whole new light, he is currently searching for a space to call his own. i feel like a stranger who tries very hard to blend in with his environment.

Today i was so upset i scribble it somewhere on a piece of scrap how i was second priority, how he look so tired and sleepy and forced-to-act-ok front when he had to send me home after 11. He is tired and busy from his work, he is tide up with his oversea uni visa, he is upset he hasnt got a chance to go soccer cos he injured his foot.

i am but the gal he call when he is bored, whom he nag when he really wans to hit soccer and run, the girl he has responsible to ensure i am home, the girl he still has to bother with despite how work is cramping.

being left to feel like a burden makes me realise, at least i am still in his heart, somewhere.

its not that i wont wait, i will wait till he appreciates me again, but i still believe one should not wait till he loses something before cherishing it.

i wan to distance myself bit by bit, because this will lighten his burden and because i am hurting so badly being there yet not beingthe one.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Our smile, they seem to fade away
each other time i long to see them again, i know it wont b the same.

What have i led to? Something i pray so hard not to happen

Time wont go back anymore, its up to me to change fate

Sorry Sweet Silly Stinky Sleepyhead

Back when u first sms me, the first invitation to meet up, i past the chance cos i din wan the unexpect to happen,

Later you invite me again for another meet up, i did so as an excuse to vent my frustuation on someone, for someone to nod their head in agreement

The first supper we had together, i was quiet, yet i broke it all up with a otah-lime juice joke, i wasnt sure if the feeling was right and i did what i did best, stay dumb and bimbotic as possible
The first time u wrote about me on ur blog, it was Cuz who encourage me to log in and that surprise sentence was something i never expected in life
The first time i tag in ur blog as someone else, i was feeling all guilty yet had to pretend like it had all not happen