Sunday, August 30, 2009

Uncle commited suicide, age 53

27 AUGUST 2009

this is not an entry all filled with emotions, for, to be honest i was never very close to my uncle, and only remember how to greet him when prompted by mum and dad.

summing up the story, uncle was on medication for a illness we din hear of, and was living with a landlord who happen to commit a crime in Amsterdam.

the landlord was jailed in Amsterdam and naturally, thats makes his house locked up by the government. What we din know that the condition Uncle was suffering from does not allow him to act after tinking, it seems as though he loses his mind in a fit of anger, and will resort to anything at that moment.

That very day, the 7th day of the chinese 7th lunar month, after pawning away what was left of his belonging, he had $220 from his pawn of a 2.2k gold ring and had use part of it for 4D and another part for his usual consultation at IMH.

On his way home, upon reaching home to the 7th ighloor of his rented unit in Eunos, Uncle saw some member of the government ransaking through the apartment, apparently after sending out several letter of seizure addressed to the landlord.

Fearing for any involvement into the unlawful acts by his landlord, Uncle was seens making his way down the lift and waiting downstair while the governemnt representative does their work.
Over conversation with his neighbour, Uncle blurt out words that include how he will end his life in front of "those people" if he was locked out of his house. Afraid of his safety, some neighbour were prepare to call the emergency number should he act out of rashness.

My Uncle made his way up to his rented apartment and was about to open the door when he realise the door padlock has been change, he was now locked out of the house. He walk towards his neighbour, a kind old Malay lady and jokingly said "bye bye" before taking out his walllet and putting it along the corridor of the 7th floor, Uncle den flip himself over the railing and jump to his death.

i would like to emphasize that during this process, he had overturn his SIM card to avoid receiving calls from his friends, his body was flung over and had hit the shelter on the 2nd floor before sliding down to the first floor. His lower body was badly crashed and his head had a bad crack too.

Uncle was still alive when he was send to the hospital. Again i will like to emphasize that his friend had dial 999 by then and the SCDF were trying their best to get the air bed pump in time but it was all too late.

My uncle breathe his last at about 3.30pm, all in the name of revenge for something he hasnt done. Which had hurt alot of us cos would we have know it earlier, we might assist him in seeking help for his condition.

the thing that angers me the most was the fact that my Uncle actually seek help frm the MP earlier regarding the matter. He was hopeful that the MP could do something regarding the rented aprtment and allow him to continue living there. The MP had advise my uncle to carry on paying for his rental (in the form of helping the landlord pay for his aprtment to HDB) while he do something about it.

I dun understand how the MP could say one thing and the government does the other...

its too late to say anything now cos one life has been lost.

we did a quick ceremony for him at the very place he fell. We werent even allow to enter the now-locked apartment to retriev my Uncle belonging as well as get him some proper clothing for his dismissal.

At the crematorium, Uncle was pushed in quickly and we bid our last goodbye, his coffin was burnt at our very own eye. Dressed in a new set of clothing we bought at some shop, he look expressionless lying inside the coffin, the crack on his head was fasten with 5 staplets.

My uncle was gone, we weren't even allow to cry much cos he din go peacefully, he had left unwillingly and the more we cry the more he wouldnt be able to leave peacefully. My uncle enc0ounter was published on the chinese paper on the very day. since his spirit was carry from the hospital to the crematoriun in our family newly bought car, he has also done his part by striking our carplate number on yesterday's 4D result, but we din buy them.

dun wanna talk about how things could have changed... i learnt something from this experience, i wanna make sure no one ever suffer this again.. hate money issues .. hate finance issue.. i wanna make sure i am sufficient in terms of finance in terms of all that thing that will possibly risk my life.

And i wanna learn to appreciate everyone around me, before its ever too late.
Laptop crashed on me.. lost all the very precious photo i took with bb.. cant believe it happen on a day where bb will still b away from me for the next 10 months... learnt many lesson the hard way- time to get a harddisk.. a mp4.. or any thing that might keep my memory in place..

i m adjusting well to life without bb for a while now..

times were certainly hard, i was promise a job but it din went well, i was poor for a while and had to stay at home, under the dispense of my parent who make me work for every scrimp of food i was offered, but nevertheless the experience was heartwarming, for i found a new meaning of stay in, the way those bank balance seems to remains stagnant seems fruitful. otherwise its down to dating friends that are willing to go through this -ve balance times with me.

All thanks to those who agree on dinner at hawker and those who can sneak some food for me..

been working back at TKSG for a while now.. the place is as fun as ever, glad those seniors are as hekpful as ever, allowing me to stay later for my OT pay.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A slight change hopefully for the better, bb sent me a sweet parcel all the way for newcastle for our first year anni, its a cute little cup, more like a "trophy" for me

" the winner of the world best Girlfriend award goes to.......................................... me!~"

me:" i will like to thank the bf for the nomineess.. pauline for casting me a vote, clarinda for casting me my next vote, vivien the third vote, sharon the forth vote, denise the fifth vote, raymond the sixth vote. and on top of all that. thank God no one else took part in this competition.. wahhaa"

the mug comes with the tee i bought for him out of randonness, it is also the tee i worn whenever i stayover at his place, first thing i did upon open the parcel was to smell the tee shirt, glad and proud to annouce to all - my bf can wash his laundry, it smell clean, of softener and feels like it has been washed with love. wahaha..

i know who will wear the apron around the house, my bf is a good chef, i can only use my mouth and put food together, he can cook them mind you!

ok.. rare boredomness..

gotta lose weight for BHP and to motivate Pau to lose weight, when clar is free, we will push her to train with us too..

happy.. =)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

One year ago on this day about 11 hrs later, you first held my hand, the story has been retold and again umpteen times, starting from the time your bro ask us about it after a badminton game.

Like i nag, over and over again, i hate the location it was all set on, a local supermarket while i was finding your shaving cream. The rest was history and we were madly in love, trying to compromise and come to a good conclusion of just how to handle this relationship knowing you will soon leave for UK.

We had a few failure tries, u being the boss and calling the shot- failed.

Me throwing my temper whenever i dun get what i wan - failed.

We had to settle down with something not everyone can do, we have to trust each other.

this one year had been easy, smooth and never happier.

i often confided how life will be different if i hadnt made so many mistake in life, and was a smarter girl when it comes to relationship, you will put me off by asking me to focus on the future, i love you for that and appreciate you chose not to know about the past.

I never really talk about those days when i was at my darkest, living in fear of encounting a man i know is till behind bars, people of the same colour gives me the creep, those who talks in whispers scares the shit out of me, i din take life witj a stranger for 10 years.

Thou somethings remain the same, and i have no intention of moving on, i appreciate your companion and support, coupled with those of close friends, to move on this transit and to officially put the past behind me.

i love your family, they are full of vibes, i love the plush you bought me, we agreed on Domo cos it wasnt pleasant looking at first, but really good to take care of, never too white to be dirty, never too fragile to be broken, it was love at first sight.

It had a meaning when i adopt it, we name it Stinky cos it simply resembles Shit in Japan, like him, we both used to live in ugliness, having to face awful remark about our appearance, and having people failing to understand what lies deep down. I often complain how Stinky is too hard to hug at night, and miraculously, one day i held it tight and slept through the night, waking up to realise it wasnt really that bad.

Its as thou he wanted me to appreciate him and gave him a chance to prove his worthiness.

Bb,... i took care of stinky, he resembles you.......... he had a smiley face despite not closing his mouth, there were significant resemblance especially at his eye, it was so tiny i cant tell if he had open it........ haha..

Stinky misses his "daddy" ................... i do too.......................

as promise i will wait for my cartier, Tiff and terrace (wahaha_)

but above all, i look forward to another anniversary with you, and you had just told me it will be a better one cos u'll be with me.

Happy 1st Year anniversary bb............. you owe me 90 more, and i promise you another 70............. teehee...........

Muackz................... yours truly,
Sweet Silly Stinky "little" sleepyhead

Monday, August 10, 2009

20 min away from our first year of being together.

20 mins of anticipation.

bb is busy.............

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Miss my stinky partner deeply on a lonely saturday. Happy birthday Singapore.

aint happy, miss bb, saturday sucks as usual.

i kinda miss the stupid things we did before, playing scissor paper stone, calling out his name and having him stop whatever he is doing and come right up to me before i told him i was calling his name for fun, agreed not to eat the next meal and den forgiving each other when we both broke the agreement, biting his arm and waiting for his ridicule expression, squeezing whatever little he has and making him worried over his weight. Forbidding him to bite his fingernails when he gets nervous.

i am obsess with thinking about him whenever i did not need to set my mind on doing something else, its strange to know that we are reaching our first year of being together. Like a neverending birthday excitement, i cant seem to put my mind off knowing how he had grab my hand while i was carefully finding the brand (Gillette in Green bottle cap) of shaver cream that he had insisted while we were in NTUC. 365 days later, we are still as happy as we were on the first day.

A pity this day was not celebrated together, had i been given the chance to celebrate this day with him, i would bake him a cake with chocolate topping (which i had imagine alot of times) and insist he brings me to Mount Faber like he did on my birthday, we would hug while we enjoy chatting with each other and i would make him finish up half the cake. Then i will drag him to a passport photo taking machine and fufil my dream of taking 6 nonsensical shots with him. den iw will stop planning cos with Bb, we will always come up with things to do..

hai, but this is all an imagination... looking on the bright side, i know bb will fufil this dream of mine if he was in singapore.

Happy 1 yr darling, i had written this in advance cos i am excited about this day. And i wan u to marry u soon.. wahaha... ( that was a silly agreement we often talk about;... )

Monday, August 03, 2009

i tot i am strong too..

i tot i can behave like a revengeful girl like i am suppose to be with my charateristics and start on a new plan to be defiant and do anything i shouldnt be doing.

But i end up crying, this is the 2nd time you have raise ur voice at me, 2nd time.

Dunno what i had done wrong.

Why cant u understand how painful it is for me behaving like nuttin has change and tinking, every second praying for time to pass sooner so i can see you again? The longing i had just to hold ur hand, the way you will wipe off my tears, grab my hands and tell me my palms are tiny.

I always publicise how i love you alot, cos i wan you to know i am not afraid to tell the whole world how i can see us both tgr if things work out.

I supported ur decision to put it all done and faithfully repeat in my head all the promise u gave me, i religiously follow all the rule u set even though you cannot see it.

Once you jokingly said something about me lying and i was very very affected, cos i did not lie to you and lie is the vital factor for alot of couple not to last, i wanted us to be differnet so i tried my very best to present to u only my best and hardly my worst.

it could be because u have seen this side of me, the emotional one that self inflict pain, which is why i secretly swear myself against using any future action that might proves vulgarities to you.

Once in my life, you gave up on me cos you din wan to save me from a man that was as bad as he can be, someone who could very possibly bring me to hell even before i could reach heaven.

second time in my life, i made a silly mistake by cursing u in a way i did to vent my frustration.

Both time u leave me and i had to work harder to make you come back.

for u i had change alot, i wanted u to see that side of me that will make u love me more. I work harder than i could cos i wan u to feel i was the correct person you should love.

But all these time, while blinded by my selfishness to make u mine, i had forgotten to give myself a break, and to remind myself i deserve some form of respect too..

i had never been shouted at for showing my concern.

i trusted u, 100% i swear to God i do trust you, but will u swear, for the same , that i did not trust you?

u told me to communicate and break down things so i dun bottom them up inside, told me to tell u in details what was to be done when things goes wrong. You verbally shouted, raising ur voice and telling me you are not God, and you wont know.

i went through a period of self reflection, despite disagreeing with you and trusting my point that it takes 2 hands to clap and not one to manover the other, i accept your stand and begin to break down in details how i tink u shud bt doing............. we had a great talk and i was happy you were my friend again.

and it had all gone well till the second time, this time, you raise ur voice and told me i had not trust u because if i do i wont get unhappy about u addin girls on facebook.

the truth is, like i had already explain, i trust you and wanted to, but a long distance relationship tks trust to nurture, you build ur trust on this side while i build mine.

i was mindful of whatever i did and tot it over carefully, i never fail to seek ur permission about things i tot would affect us, it was done out of respect cos you are my bf, i respect u and understand there are things you verbally said u are ok yet u will rather i not do. yet you gave me ur support, and this was the support that pushes me further into excelling waht ever i do, and that includes quitting a sucky job with pride.

i was uncomfortable about u making friends with girls outside, as much as i would like to trust you, i felt the correct thing u ought to do was to discuss it with me in advance, This should be done out of respect, not out of whether i trust u anot.

Have you ever wonder how strange it could be if i had never once complain about u making friends with girl, what if i had never once point out u seem to have new friends, would you change the story and accuse me of not payin attention to ur life.

Just like you, i am not God. I get upset cos i care about you and about us, i try my very best not to do things that could affect us, not at the slightest, not when u are overseas and we are lacking in that physical support. just like how i guided u step by step in cooking, understanding as a man you might not come across this experience in life and is taking a small step each time, i would expect u to understand how hard it is for a woman to be generous and share even a tiny portion of you with another girl.

i love you and i care, i tink for all that i have done, i dun deserve to be accuse by you,. for that i am at my outmost disappointment.