Sunday, August 17, 2008

Feeling high.

what's panick + shivers+ happinese+ warmth

i have been bloggin lesser, but my days have been filling up fasters.

Clarinda's coming back from ShangHai this friday 9.30, i need to take leave from work and be at airport.

i love the airport, i love to watch plane depart.

i dun wanna blog any much now when i dun have the excitement to.. tata.

Feeling like keeping some privacy again =)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Ever the nervous feeling deep down below, ever the excitement, i shud say one never get tired of feeling nervous, of skipping a heartbeat, of silence embaressment.
i am oh-so-happy, work is fine, sch is fine but at this moment its none of my concern...
En0ugh of my private affair, i have decided to save some secrets for myself.

How has National Day been spent for you all?
i spent a wonderful morning trashin Tennis down at Eric's. He was a great coach, coupled with his all-time partner, Martin, who coaches me ways of perfecting that Norwegian Backhand (invincible..) i cant wait for the next tennis session to come soon. I still suck at Tennis but both coaches agree i had tremendous improvement within that hour (after they run like hell tryin to counter my servings)

Denise joined us soon after so i helped out at Eric's beforehand, preparing the Australia-style-breakfast he claim he had so enjoyed back during his Australia stay. We talk over the poolside, with Martin describing how he had celebrated his national day back in Norway, sad and embarress to say, he was actually the only one among us to correctly spend Singapore National day partying and celebrating. Nevertheless, the whole tanning by the poolside had turn out pretty well.

I rushed home before 4 cos Bobo had wanted me to accompanied him to the temple to pray for the start of 7th month, since such things are never rejected by my parents, i knew i had to get it done there and then. i met Bobo at bugis within an hour and got our prayers done.

Sharon as well as Caifu had arrange to hang out with me for a KTV night for national day (weird huh?!) So i invited Bobo along and we all sang till about 9 plus. Denise then rejoin us by night, reunionin the entire DKS in a supper-cum-dinner at Newtons.

National Day was spend like this, meeting Sharon and Denise was the best things that can happen, i am so glad we are planning yet another meeting this wednesday, cant wait to see u gals.


Saturday, August 09, 2008

The Secret behind that Kristal u tot you knew..

Note to all:- those uglier and fake Hello Kitty DOES NOT belong to me, i repeat, DOES NOT BELONG to me.. Kristi collects those "version"

Thursday, August 07, 2008

No i dun have a school uniform, i hadnt tink of one anyway, wearing plaincloth is the best cos i am already looking forward to times i can report to sch in PJ.
School's realy fun, but its the start now so i cant really tell. There were encouragement constantly, SMS-es (thanks to you know who you are =)
Hai^er and i met up to travel to sch everyday, and i was always late, by the time i reach the bus just arrive, but only when i ran my way from the station to the bus stop!!
i am enjoying myself now, and somehow i had amazingly develope a new power to transfer whatever is upsetting me to the back of my brain. In addition to constant encouragement, sometimes i take less than 1 hr before i finally recall why i had throw my temper in the first place.
i had so many late nights, supper with Rodman and Lao-family.... Pauline and Bobo.... Denise, firman and Sharon, bobo's frends.. hadnt had time to upload pic sorry peeps!!!

Monday, August 04, 2008

Finally got it!!!!

My 2nd Lomo-camera- Splitcam, image fusion. The 2nd one after my lomo.

Phyllis Mee Pok!!!! i have no idea how to put it to use, so the first row of film i suppose is to gain some experience,the followin are some example of picture perfect

I am so excited! got it in a mail and it looks like a toy!!! no battery needed, no flash, so far from my coloursplash!!
Hellow my photography companion, we go take take picture soon ok/.
haha.. one more look at the beau

Sunday, August 03, 2008

I am moving!!!!~

it comes as a shock to me as it might probably be to you. I remember i had recently blog about my room.

Mum called me that day, finally breaking the news that we will all have to abandon the house by october 2008, reason being because the FIRST person whom the agent had brought to view our house, decided to purchase it, WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHT AND WITHIN HALF AN HOUR.

My Happinese

i hated this house, as you might all be aware by now, this was the actual place i had my worst childhood memory, the thought of it now doesnt haunt me as much as before.

On a side note, i am sure many of you had caught the reason episode of Crime Watch. It shud narrate the closest account to whatever had happened when i was 10. Althought i had joke earlier with Boss Steve that i should have look prettier compare to that of the small girl on TV. Of course, i am sure TV shud have exaggerate it a little here and there.

Whenever Dad mention about selling this house many years ago, i often get excited of the idea. The fact that i still take the same lift where IT happen still gives me the creep. I still cannot accept getting into the same lift with another stranger. NO! let me put it this way- i still CANNOT enter the lift EVEN when the person is a familiar neighbour.

-i hate the idea of standing there waiting for the lift.

-I hate the idea of Dad still having to put on his slippers and walking downstair to wait for me to go home together whenever i felt something was weird.

-i hate the fact that there are still suspicious character around my neighbourhood.
-I hate the rumour that had been spread around the neighbour.

-I hate the barricade around the neighbourhood now that its being upgraded

-i hate having to run home as soon as i got out of the lift.

and finally

-i hate being a coward at the age of 21.

I always oppose to staying yet another day in this house. I kept the door shut whenever i am alone at home.

i hated another second in the room. i was more comfortable sleeping at Cuz than i was at home.

i guess that puts it to my point- i wanna get out of the house

My worries

Oh God now we haven got a place to go to cos Mummy has no intention of buying a house now since property rate is that high

i am homeless..

Life being alone had never get easier. I was thrilled at the idea of visting Crystal as soon as Hai^er can afford

the time. It just makes me happy knowing the life of Crystal's gonna be really good with Mummy Guo Jing and Daddy Xuan Jing. Crystal will soon go back to China with Mummy to get her citizenship done and God knows when she is returning. I am gonna miss her so much.

I chance upon the collage i had made earlier, exactly a week before Crystal was born, Guojing, Hai^er, Hai^er's br Chris and me had met up to have a dinner togethr. We settle dinner at the ever famous Korean restaurant which was highly recommended by Guo Jing back before those days she was carrying Crystal.

You can see from her tummy how big Crystal had been 7 days before her actual arrival. Mummy GuoJing was happy and bouncy, it makes me wonder in amazement how this life inside can adapt to the silliness of Mummy GuoJing, whom we all (the class of BI0403) had always known as "Nai Ma" as she was always taking care of us.

Being older than us back in poly, Nai Ma never fails to make sure all of us are well-fed, she will bring sweets and cracker and smuggle them into lecture hall, then pass the sweet around till we are all contented.

Its amazing how she could break the news one day that she has gotten married and before we could even cheer, Crystal was on her way.

The day Guo Jing was admited to the hospital, i was jumping with excitement back at work in Canele. I tried really hard to contain my excitement by keeping myself busy. Doc had advise she shall arrive that thurs afternoon but naughty Crystal finally break her way on saturday morning. Mummy Guojing decides to opt for Caesarian as the Baby's heart beat was beginning to deteriorate stuck in Mummy's womb.

Baby Crystal Yu Xin was born on August 2nd 2008. She was a extremely cute baby with very deep dimple. She was 3Kg, healthy and extremely hungry. Hai^er and i had the opportunity to watch the entire process of breast-feeding Crystal. Sometimes she suck really hungrily it produces loud embaress sound. Mummy Guojing look at us in embarressment, but i was frankly more amazed at her braveness.
Every Mummy deserve some praises, especially Mummy GuoJing, who had came alone to Singapore, filled with determination to learn some thing and deciding to reside in Singapore just so that she could bear more baby in China when she returns (Due to their one-child policy in China)

When i see tears in her eyes as pain filled her swollen **** while she allows Crystal to drink her milk, i suddenly respect every Mommies on earth. Their determination to takkaire of their kid and heck-caring about the pain makes me wanna prove myself better.
Oh My God, I miss Crystal Yu Xin so badly now... i shall be a baby-sitter full time. Your Baby is definitely in safe hands as i cant love them enough.

Signing off..... You have Kristal.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Just got home from "Money No enough 2"

and to tink i always hated local film and vow previously not to catch them,
i've decided to tk the chance to catch it anyway (prior to some reason =)

the movie make me cry so badly i inwardly felt so so so embaress to leave the cinema at the end of the movie cos the eye were swelling like chao-siew-pao, my eyeliner were badly smudged and i look damn awful.

Anyway this movie makes one cry, me especially due to the following reason:-

p/s for those who intended to catch this movie pls skip this paragraph cos i will reveal pretty much the genes of the movie.

1. Grandma very nice to the family, steamboat dinner : our family use to hold gathering every saturday at Grand's and the kids will play together while the adult sit together on the floor, sometimes talking about society and other times playing mahjong. Grandma can make the best curry in my entire life and i remember how each and every curry she cook pair with white rice and red bowl.

2. Grandma gives son money when they need help and promise to keep it from the other son: since i was a kid, i grew so attached to my Grandma that i was placed under her care everyday till i was into nursery, after my nursery i was "posted" to her house every weekend as Mum needed the break from the house from too much kid. My brother and i are a 7th-month Ge-tai each time we get together.

I often see how much she save each penny just so she could donate it into the donation tin, i was often offer the job of dropping the coin into the can. I would secretly complain to my Grandma that Mum wasnt giving us enough money to spend and i haven got enought toy. Needless to say at the end of the weekend i always return home with more gift and in better shape.

The adults often quarrel about how they were going to split up the profits from Granddad's company after he passed on. I 've seen the agony on Grandma's face as she sits helplessly by the marble stool, unable to have a say in anything. That was when i learn she probably has a share in the company but refuses to accept the money, and that was when i started to hate adulthood.

3, Grandma begins to lose memory: i remember Grandma often dialling the number to my house asking to speak to me and reminding me how i was visiting her lesser. I was in my secondary school then and was occupied with School band, so i gave her the same excuses over and over again. I made empty promises to visit her as soon as i can but it was useless since Deyi Band never take break from practices.

Grandma had a heart operation once, her heart was surviving on a tickling machine that operates like a clock. The clock pump blood into other parts of the body, taking over the role of heart. She will bring me to the hospital for check up with her, then bluff me into believing blood test was painful. Maybe it really was painful to her cos i saw her tear once with she squeeze out the blood off her fingertip to prove to me blood was flowing. I swear inside my heart i wanna take good care of her. I was about 12 yr old then and when she heard that she brought me to eat our secret food as a reward for understanding her.

4. Grandma was left in the care of children who pushes blame: i never got any closer to my relatives cos i was seeing them as a threat to my Grandma. I vividly remember all the quarrel they had so obviously about discussion of placing my Grandma here or there. I hated them! There was a uncle in particular who cant wait to get my Grandma out of the house so he can sell the flat and gain some money, this is so because he was inherited the flat after the death of my GrandDad. As a kid i had no say in such matters. Grandma was finally placed in a Old Folks Home cos no one else was capable of taking care of her, as they all claim.

5. Grandma was left in a Old Folks Home: i was utterly disappointed in the family when my Grandma was eventually placed in a Old Folks Home, but this was done for the better as the doctor advised she needs to be placed in a special care (right after she had a bad fall in the toilet and hurt her head) Since then, Grandma was a different person, no longer the Grandma who pushes me in her market trolley and brings me to the market. I remember pushing her around in the Old Folks Home, looking at her aimless face, knowing deep down within she no longer gets to eat our secret food together. She no longers yearn for my visit to try her food since she no longer had a home to welcome me to.

6. Grandma hospitalise: i received the news one night that Grandma was sick, it got me panicking as i was able to tink straight by the age of 19. Grandma had suffer a stroke and could no longer talk and walk, she can hardly move a finger nor communicate throught blinking of her eye anymore. When she arrive at the hospital, the doctor confirm she had less than 1 week to survive. My world came crashing down as at the point of time i was awake. I HAD MISS SO MUCH CHANCE TO MEET HER AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE CAN NO LONGER WAIT FOR THE CHANCE TO COME.

When i continously see how the adults are franting over who will take over the duty of taking care of her since they all have work. I GAVE UP ON THE ADULT COMPLETELY. Though i knew i probably no say in making any decision at the age of 19, i assure the adults Grandma was in safe hands with me and i will call them the moment anything goes wrong.

I guess the adult suddenly have a heavy sack off their load, they immediately agreed. Dad and Mum was worried i couldnt take enough care of Grandma, but who else could? Who else knows whats the best for Grandma now?

I spend my days at the hospital, praying to all the Gods i ever remember exist, Grandma survived not only 1, but 2 weeks. By then all the adults again assume she was gonna make it through and decided to relax abit. i could sense something was very wrong, so despite losing almost 2 weeks of sleep by then, i couldnt keep my eyes close for too long, afraid the day might come when her heart stop pumping.

One weekend the doctor told us she was gonna remain a vegetable forever, and was only surviving on the tube inserted into her throat (slit open) for air. I could tell she was sufferring and wanted badly to stop the pain, but unwillingly to let go of her. Such dilemma was hard to take and i was helpless too.

I took the chance and went to pray at a temple one evening when another cousin could offer her time. I told God i wanted to end my Grandma's sufferring and for her to decide when she wanna leave. I told God if He make her leave happily, i will return my blood in return.

The night finally came, 3 weeks into her survival one night when i was almost dozing off when her heart beat skip a beat, i panic for a while and immediately felt strange. Then suddenly behind me i felt cold sends shiver down my back. I saw the shadow of something that resembles my GrandDad behind me but when i turn i saw nobody. I knew Grandma time was almost up but that night was the most beautiful i've ever seen her since her weight loss from a healthy 60plus KG till 38KG at the hospital. Her then skinny face was lighten with beautifulness, and her eye was glued on a image i cannot tell where. I quietly allow the both of them to enjoy their finaly moments together.

Next night i was ready for Grandma to leave, but it still came as a shock when her heart beat suddenly deteriorate lesser, i cried like a lunatic, shouting for the nurses to come. Michelle Cousin was beside me but she was asleep when it happens, i saw for the last moment in Her life her eye begin to close.

Behind close curtains i cried and scream for her not to leave me. Calls were made out and every one had rushed down from their home to see her for the last time. WHO ELSE BUT ME HAD SEEN THAT LAST FACE, THAT LAST SMILE AND THAT LAST BRIGHTNESS SHE HAD ON HER FACE. The nurses finally open the curtain and told me the usual line about trying her best. It hadnt come as a shock but i couldnt bring my feet any steps further. I collapse on the floor and slowly make my way to her. Grandma's hand was warm and it feel so good, the massage i constantly gave her had remove the water retention from the water-drip away.

It took less than 10 min for the warmth to turn into coolness. That was the moment that still haunt me till today.

i was very very affected by her dismissal. The movie brings back all the fondness memory i had of her. The scene when the "Mother" dies in the movie suddenly shoke back the warmness in her hand followed by the coolness. I realise it today i had never ever recover from the day she left me.