Thursday, April 03, 2014

Gratitude - giving thanks

They say it is easier to forget than to hate, i have to agree with this one.. 

Today i fathom over how someone can dislike me for no reason, or perhaps a reason not serious enough for anyone to realize. 
It's not like i am over-thinking or anything, but other's have commented the same
and we all think- that she must be pretty deliberate to intentionally cause me discomfort

i do not support the idea of causing her the same amount of misery
because quite frankly, i cannot be bothered
or it could be the kind of attention spam she's seeking
the thrill of having me get back at her that started this cycle
but i am lazy, too lazy to the extend that her presence does not affect me, 
of course with exception to when she makes the environment around me uncomfortable to live in
then that is when i share this uncertainty with my friends
who give me the same advise to ignore her, which i pretty much do most other time. 

i am thankful for the opportunities thrown to me so far, 
as much as possible i try to grab every single chance others has given me to shine
however, i am not the sort to volunteerily offer my help 
in order to impress others, perhaps that is to my disadvantage. 
Nevertheless, God is very very kind to me because unlike many others, 
i have the chance to amend my mistake or perform better given a second chance

Last night over dinner i talk to bbb about my 2 failures in life
Kristal is a perfectionist, an extremist that finds it hard to muster the courage to admit to failure. 
Citing the example of my driving test, 
just how many learnt that i had flunk it the first time in early January 2014? 
It was an experience so bad that the only person i decided to share first-hand (apart from bbbb who always stays on top of the priority list)... is Clar, who lives miles away in Germany 
i cannot accept my failure, especially since i knew fully well how much i could have pass this - without nervousness-

It was my instructor & tester who both told me the same thing, 
that i had allow nerve to get the better of me, 
hence making a careless mistake that cause me my license
What came after that experience is the loss of sleep & 
loads of tears that stream down non-stop, 
as if exchanging for a second chance to rewind time 
the next couple of months my instructor was no longer zealous
to work on my case, 
he commented times & again i could have pass
Then i finally did it in March on my re-take, 
& score an astonishingly 8 points on the driving test

i am a perfectionist, even when God offer me a 2nd chance, 
it had to work, or else.. 

The same thing for my 2nd failure in life, 
the fact that i once flunk accounts, 
the same subject i took 3 times over secondary, poly & then Uni
the same unexplainable feelings i have from failing'
there was nothing other than nervous that could have drag down my result

i am a perfectionist, i need to complete something i have started,
or i shall live with regrets. 

Planning for a new live with Rodman is taking its toll on me.
some days all i have in my mind was to figure an excellent plan 
that does not cause a deep hole in our pocket, 
then i realize i must have been too enthusiastic about this planning,
it is another 8 months till the actual day, what am i worrying about
yet there's one thing i know for sure, i want to be super hands-on in the execution
i want to be the planner others hire for their big day, 
i want to work for my client - ironically MYSELF. 

i am a perfectionist, nothing must go wrong... 
Apart from all of this, i am thankful that each day passes with my realization of how great everyone around me is treating me. 
i am beginning to appreciate all the time i get to spend with my parents, 
its not that i might lose them soon, 
but i might never get the chance to appreciate this feeling of being pampered, 
without feeling obligated to spare a thought for my other half
like we all know, its 2 lives living 1 by then 
i am not selfish, and i am thankful he has expanded his own social circle to include me as a part of it
and just like him, i wish to incorporate him as part of my everyday, from the moment we swear by the vows :)

i am thankful besties & i have inculcate a friendship that is beyond words
i am thankful each time i click on my photo gallery in my phone i see streams of pictures of her sweetheart, who is now formally known as my GodDaughter, 
she is so precious & so blessed with the love of a loving parents, more so with the additional love from bbb & i.. 
i feel like i have to protect her from any harm, that all too soon one day she will learn to decide things on her own
and we will all lose that privilege we have now
to carry her around as & when we want to

i am thankful for the job i hold & the pay that is transferred into my bank account, i am blessed with the ability to return the favor & loan i have made from the kind people who had offer their financial help during my dark times. 
i want them to feel happy receiving this money i made with my on hands, 
and i am thankful the job i hold gives me the chance to do so, 
apart from the black sheep that tries to make my life miserable, 
i am thankful the rest of my colleagues are an awesome bunch of genuine friends i have make. 
I am especially glad we can take time off work to spend chilling over drinks & talking about anything, ghost encounter, how to overcome our fear.. etc.. 
Its not like everyday you can gathering an awesome combi of great people to stick around you, so i will treasure this moment. 

i am also super thankful for bbbb's company & the chance they have given him, 
i have seen him grow from someone who lack the experience to someone who is confident enough to promise something will work
he use to have much lower self-esteem but this has since change, 
i hear him talking about how his hardwork had pay off & it makes me super super proud that he is the sort of guy that works hard in order to see result, 
it reminds me so much of my own Dad, who had to hold 2 jobs to see us through school when we were much younger. 
i always reminded myself how i am making a correct decision to choose this guy
because in him, i see the very man i saw in my dad, someone whom
i respect with so much pride, because of the countless achievement they have unlock 
that is beyond my limit to achieve given the opportunity, 
i shall try to do my best to make this relationship last, 
like it did for my own parents, then only will i gain respect for myself. 

i am filled with much gratitude, life compromises so much for me to be thankful for. 
With each beginning comes new realization, i know i can only stay this happy & positive had i count my blessings, and i am glad i did :)


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