Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Procedures...and Luck

You know how i mention keeping a positive mind affects the luck of anyone? i meant it. i guess perhaps i wasnt keeping myself happy enough thus lately everything seems pretty screwed up.

like few days after i learn i am due for an op, i witness a crime scene. On my way to work last monday i caught sign of a police cordon area and a body wrap in a white plastic. It dint take very long for the colleagues to spread the rumor and how he was supposedly killed before being placed on the tree to enact a suicide. And busybody me was so curious about this matter i asked my bro, who is a policeman about the case. Gary confirm suicide is possible if the person had deliberately kept his knees bended despite having a a noose around his neck, all he had to do was to stay determine and not stand straight up, he shall STILL be strangled. Another myth broken was that it is POSSIBLE for a person's tongue NOT to stick out despite being hanged. The position in which he had hung himself will bring about diff posture. Therefore, he excuse all rumor that it was murder, nevertheless, this did not stop policemen from questioning all suspicious character. That day after work i was boarding the train in Pioneer and alot of foreign worker that day had to be stopped by police for question.

Then on tuesday i went to work per normal and all of a sudden came down with a fever. The rush came so fast i had to cancel my meetup with bbbbbb and his friends and crawl home to rest. I popped 2 panadol extra thinking it could help but this morning i am down with a fever.

i pop another 2 panadol extra and here i am at work. Gonna pop another panadol later and pray hard the fever will go away soon.... Den as if the BAD LUCK wont come faster i receive the first ever negative complain from the US about the mistake i made... thank God for the very nice managers who put in good words for me and mention i was relatively new and needed a bit more time to get use... it had still demoralizes me big time.... Finally i request for the manager to write an email back to US seeking their help to identify where the mistake possibly lies. Afterall, if its an unconscious mistake make on my part, i would need to find the root of it and prevent it from happening again.


you know, when i was a kid i was never too minded about fengshui and luck. perhaps also because nuttin wasnt too serious to feel the consequences. As i grow older i begin to seek comfort in amulet and crystal. i am a free thinker but knowing there are "things" that makes things smooth is such a comfort.

Nowadays when i attribute everything to bad luck, bbbb always laught it off as me being silly.. i guess i have to admit i was being silly, but this sort of shifting the blame was better than blaming myself for having a bad body grooming that cause the fever.

Moving on, i am finally reaching the first quarter of my life. Turning 25 wasnt something i had look forward to. Besides, the peaks i had about life stays at 21(finally adult), 27(my ideal marriage age), 30(my career should bounce far ahead) and 60(grandchildren!). This year's birthday should be a quiet affair.

i had arrange with the few very precious people of my life to celebrate the day by eating seafood. My excuse was since i might have to skip seafood for a while after the op, why not eat it now?  Thanks for the awful fever right now, otherwise everything would have been nicely arranged. please God let me recover well for the op..... i cannot afford another day of torture if i have to delay the op date because i wasnt feel well.

Last night i had dreamt 3 times about my op, all three dreams were relatively similar..... it revolves around the idea that after Timmy was removed my stomach had look equally big.. Not like this matters to me because i simply cannot imagine myself having a flat stomach after "owning" Timmy for like 8 years? i never really see myself thin before so cannot put that image to place.

However, the dream was surreal, i had woken up to find my wound, did not felt the pain, and my stomach was very much bloated. Den i look around and see ppl celebrating the success of my op, but where was the different? Perhaps i've been stressing myself too much into attributing all positiveness of the op onto how i was going to achieve a wonderful Bod... and suddenly i am scared i wont get them!

One fortune teller correctly advice me in August 2011 that i am expecting something major to take place along my left arm OR tummy. After confirm my op date i seek his help again to determine if 3rd feb was a ok date. He took the calendar, ask for my zodiac, date of birth and time as usual. Den went quiet for  a while.... perhaps he was looking for a better date but the silence killed..... In the end, against bbbbbbbbb's wish, i abruptly stop his thinking and ask 如果我坚持要2月3号开刀会发生什么事?he look at me and said "dun worry you'll be fine"

This experience is awkward,,. but do i see is as a good sign - yes... it was a huge relief... i also asked him if i might lose my entire womb due to the op... he tell me all shall be fine... =)

For those of you who dunno the risk of my op by now, simply put i've placed myself into 3 scenarios having gone thru the op
1. i am removing an extra large cyst measuring 25cm x 18cm,and i'll be fine
2. i am removing an extra large cyst sitting on my left ovary and as such, i'll have the left ovary remove as well
3. i am removing an extra large cyst that has damage my entire uterus therefore the doc has to remove my entire ovary and uterus but promise to save an egg if they find one

i wont die, i wont live in hell, but i was responsible for producing a baby i can love and hold. And now, i might risk losing this chance forever. When you were little you always go on and on about how pregnancy hurts and you rather not have kids.... Now trying placing yourself in my shoe and imagining - you are about to lose the chance of even conceiving, so would you rather want to have kid, or know for sure "i am unable to conceive".

i dunno how to choose

but kids were important to me because i adore them, therefore my decision made to the doc was "if you see my uterus damage, DO NOT REMOVE THEM"

at least wait till i experience carrying a child, den remove them

A mother's love for their kid is unexplainable, this is portray on movie, in books and during Moral education. I haven been a mum before, but i will like to have that experience. Therefore, even if it risk my life, let me try to have a kid... this is my life.... so respect my decision.

but you see, i MIGHT survive this op luckily without removing another part other than Timmy.... the anxiety.. the uncertain feeling of not knowing what exactly is going to be remove.....

do you see why i had been this emotional?... awwww... i hate drama with bad endings i tell you.... i cried a river watching "My sister's Keeper",,, i hate knowing how a person knows exactly how they will like to sacrifice themselves.... but this time.. i wanna do the same =)

i hope this entry sums up all that shall happen on 3rd Feb 2012 at NUH - National University Hospital =)


No comments: