Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Life, family, depression

We are down to about 9 days till christmas & i am feeling good.

i dunno how this year, the joyful feeling is amplifying bigger than the other years, OR i could have felt this happy every year but every year feels happier than the previous.

So i had a chance to pop by Sharon's to visit Kordia, who was down with a cold & cough. There we were, 3 adults queueing outside the baby clinic waiting for registration at 7pm.
i notice there were 3 other toddlers/babies in the queue & though they didnt appear to be unwell, it was the gloomy look on their parents' face that indicated they were.
Then there is Kordia, so weak & unlike her usual playful self, i could tell both her Daddy & Mummy were worried sick, trying to hold her right till she found a comfortable spot to get some rest. Even throughout the short chat we had while waiting for the doctor to arrive, it was obvious most time Kive & Sharon were looking at Kordia for any sign that she was suffering.
At one point, Kordia breathe slightly faster than the other time, even i panicked & started wondering afar. Thankfully, amidst all this Sharon manage it with a pinch of salt.
"listen to her closely, is she wheezing?"
"change the position she sleeps"
"put the cardigan under her head as a pillow"

Power Mummy, i begin to despise my incompetency to think of all this possibilities.

Anyway, at the end of it all, the doctor advise it was all well, she was prescribe some usual medication & send home to rest. Then Kordia, having woke up from her short nap, was back to her usual happy self & even offering me some alphabets magnet as we chant through the kiddy "1,2,3....A,B,C" song. It was all good & i left for some time-alone with my bestie to catch up.

Despite the initial excitement & plans for KTV & all, by the time we were done with the checkup we were too hungry & could only look forward to dinner. So it was set at XinWang nearby,

I marked down most of my conversation with Sharon because they are in-depth & usually keep me thinking days after . Just like our conversation yesterday was about family, both in-law & own. We spoke about the difficulties of dis-associating ourselves from our family after earning a new family getting married. I spoke about how i will want to achieve the best of both world (ie, if given a choice to choose which parents to stay with us if we ever have to, i cannot decide which choice will seem like a fairer option)

Apart from all that we also spoke about how reality is finally sinking in & truth is our parents are getting older & health issues are slowly knocking on our doors. We adjusted our conversation to how involve we have been after dedicating our lives to the new family we are building, finally we discuss on how i should finally step up & start prepping myself for expansion.

All this thoughts did come across my mind especially family expansion, i had long assumed i was ready for anything to slowly happen like nature has planned, but recently i learnt maybe i wasnt that ready afterall, One particular night, i was toying with the idea of what might change if Rodman & i decide to try for a baby soon. Then one thoughts lead to another & before i can stop it i have lost a considerable amount of sleep panicking,

You always thought you will be ready for something because everyone else have gone through that phase & you are just waiting for your turn, then something strikes & you begin to feel out-of-place because unlike them all, you are not willing to accept the change that accompanies these phases.

i recall a tear jerking conversation with a close friend not too long ago, i learnt that depression & symptoms of associated illnesses are unpreventable & definitely not within control. I tried debating to the said friend that all too many of us think we are extraordinary & if we can only try to accept that we are VERY NORMAL human that can control our thoughts then maybe we will not be the handful of special case that fell into depression. but boy, was i wrong!  i know i might have touch or open a taboo part of this conversation because said friend almost had an "attack" there & then trying to explain why i was so wrong on my thinking.    Since that incident i learnt that i was being selfish because i assume everyone had the will power to control their thinking.  Now that i think back, after coming out from the darkness period following the yishun terror trauma, i had also encounter myself, how impossible it is to do what your mind tells you to do.

It is very possible that someone who is very involved in their emotions at a current period will not be able to detach themselves because it is not within their ability.The period can last for as long as forever & it is proven so many times that there is not yet a solution for this, some depressed people manage to live each passing with what is left of their willpower & a tiny glimpse of hope that tomorrow things might change. Those who lost that last bit of hope seek the last option of ending the problem, thou we cannot fathom why every bit of willpower is lost, we cannot blame them because like we already know, it is not in their ability to do so.

  You wouldn't ask an old person for youth because you know they can't, likewise why will you ask a depressed person for happiness if they cannot? 

my thoughts are all over the place but that sums up all the stuff i have been thinking lately, i bet by next week the subject will change, so here's marking them down for some Deja Vu in future when i got summon for this topic again.

No comments: