Thursday, May 10, 2012

If i ever need to decide..

Some rubbishy thoughts had been going on in my mind.

A diary was meant for one to express their thoughts and opinion openly, but with technology, a virtual diary now plays an important part in your life to let someone who matters know exactly how you feel.

I have been reflecting alot in my life lately, asking myself if i had tried my best? If what i was doing was my best interest? There are so many things i use to need to worry about, and now that my uni has come to an end and i no longer worry about not saving enough to pay off the next term school fees, i am filling my mind with reflection after reflections, in an attempt to perfect the way things are happening now.

There are so many question marks left to be uncovered. If i could pay $100 to a fortune teller who will promise accurate readings and offer the BEST solution -  i would do it. I am worried about my life ahead, i wonder if being the risk averse person i have always been is going to put my goals at disadvantage.

I used to think alot about the day i die, i wanted to be sure i had everything under control before i make my dismissal, but i always had plenty more to do in order to reach the point i felt it was in control. I had never really think of scenarios that were too pretentious or extreme to ever happen to me. Therefore, when i am met with one such situation, my panick-attack mode sets in and my thoughts run soaring high.

The tv show airing right now makes me realise one thing - the plot written are super fake and unbelievable. In one scene, the lead actress found out she had Ovary cancer therefore she did what she felt was the best thing to do- she left the person she so loved, in hopes he'll find happiness with another girl who would give him everything he was hoping for - in particular a baby.

Having seen the story unfold into misery where the guy agrees to marry a girl he dont love, i was dumbfolded. The truth is - am i really going to do all that if that shall happen to me? We dont know for sure what the result will be in my next check up this July. What i do know now is, i am saving my relationship with a man i think fits the bill.

Had the result been positive, was i leave him, secretly hoping he would find happiness while i suffer in silence? I wouldnt, i cannot do that, i am selfish. I do know only one thing, that if he is the correct man, then we'll work things out. I am open to the idea of an adoption, though i never really talk about it. You see, i am trying extremely hard to keep an open mind about the upcoming check up. Having refused contraceptive pills was my first step to making a decision about my life. I was left with no more than 2 options - eat the pills and risk harming my future child OR skip the pills and let God decides on my fate.

My initial decision had been supported by everyone who stood by me when i went through the torment of removing Timmy. I had long ago discussed my decision with my boyfriend's parents and make known the risk i am undertaking. Their support were more than what i could ever ask for. The boyfriend had been one special guy who didnt mind me making my decision without his approval. Of course he would sincerely hope i took the pills to stop/prevent any future growth but he wasnt sure if he wanted to risk his future baby being harmed by my selfish action.

i admit, i am selfish and scared to lose anyone in my life now. My constant reflection helps me ensure everything was taking place the way it "better be". The judgement day is not too far, i need to make plans.

My relationship hasnt been on the positive side lately. i think it all points down to two person no longer making as much efforts as they used to. I spoke about it to bbbb and we had a discussion on how to work things out. The conclusion was for us to spark things up again, "re-new" the relationship till we see each other the way we had saw back some 4 years ago. I want to be sure my decision was correct, we chose each other not as a moment of struck-by-love-spell but because we saw the potential to live together for the rest of our lives and decided to give it a go.

I had took on a new opinion on making the first move. I dun really know how this mindset came into place, i sort of reflected back on the things we had done over the last 4 years and the sacrification he make for me (during the trail of thoughts i had consciously left out the sacrification i would had done for him) and asked myself if i was prepared to do the same. This wasnt a question i could answer readily because i wasnt placed in the situation, just like how i did not predict Ovary Cancer would play a part in my life biography.

I want to attempt to give alot and not expect anything in return, i want to try sacrificing like a man would in a relationship. I remember the show that was airing on Channel 8 last month that got me thinking so hard.

再见单人床 was a realistic show that talks about the common problems couple faced in their marriage and i glad the show came at the right time. Having gotten hooked, i had abandon any events that might took place at 9pm every weekday just to switch on the TV and learn something new. This being said, Dad was denied the access to watch his favorite 娘家 whenever i switch to channel 8. Therefore, he sat with me and we will watch the show together.

My Dad is a very down to earth person that wouldnt beat around the bush to give his daughter advices. He was also the person who can tell i was upset by the way i behave, most importantly, Dad knew the exact moment to keep quiet when i dont feel like talking. The Bedtalk show has diff intervals where diff people from all walks of lives would talk about their opinion on marriage. Once a consultant said this:-

"Marriage isnt about two person getting together, Marriage is about  two families being place together awkwardly and left to work things out"
My father told me how important it was that i can communicate with him and bbbbb's family and that bbb could do the same for my family.  He told me about the potential problem 2 families could faced if they cannot agreed on something. I was scared it would happen to me in future, but trusting Dad, as long as i constantly work on bonding both families this would not be a problem

"Man thinks he commits no infidelity as long as he did not physically express his affection to the person who has capture his heart. Women thinks infidelity has been commited as long as the heart is no longer with the person they vowed to stay with, in these case, infidelity took place when Man thinks of another girl a little too much"
Dad had a diff opinion from that of mine. I was definitely affirm the Women thinking was right whereas Dad thinks one will risk  breaking up an otherwise perfect family if she expects every single details in their marriage to be the accurate to that of the "Marriage guidelines"

"you apologize to your wife not because you have done something wrong. You apologize to your wife even if you have done nothing wrong because you understand how it was more important that the both of you no longer argue about something that wasnt worth it"
no publish comment on this at the moment, i understand sometimes  man ends up lying to their wife to save the trouble of starting a fight.

Apologies as i have been ranting alot of my mind.. i meant to deliver a better post but was pre-occupied with this thoughts that would best be expressed in words for i am unsure if it would bring more opinions had i spoke to anyone, desperate for help.


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