Thursday, July 05, 2012

i almost gave up

i had been trying so hard to stay positive, only listening to motivating people talk and just chilling with friends who had so much dreams in life. Now that Xiaxue has said her piece about "The Secret" i guess many of us pretty much knew what ive been up to the whole time. My devotion to developing this sort of postive vibes had been a ongoing - and rather tough - journey.

So whenever i was set to think of something positive, a small bit of fear overrun my thoughts and i immediately felt guilty for contaminating my thought with the negative ones..

Perhaps it was true that the teeny weeny bit of negatives vibes amplified into huge wave and thus resulted in some unfortunate events. Nevertheless, this is going to be a long journey so i have to stay happy so the +ve vibes revolves like a tornado around me =)

Its been months since i finish my operation, and last tuesday was my schedule review with the gynae and a whole new experience at the "Cancer Centre Annex". What happen was my case had been officially transferred to  CC where i will be monitored and reviewed by a senior doctor, each schedule check up consist of a ultrasound scan followed by the consultation by the doctor.

I had long ago given up fearing ultrasound scanning, the initial experience was terribly awful and uncomfortable but of late i was more concern of what was being shown on the ultrasound screen. So in order to get a clearer scanning of my body, i had given consent for the nurse to switch to transvaginal scanning instead of the abdominal ultrasound. Ladies who think the names sounds like a huge pain, here's the truth - the initial experience feels... weird.. (very very weird indeed).. subsequently you no longer feel much discomfort. There is minimal pain - unless the nurse is extremely rough with the way she manouvre the "sensor" while inside you. I had my share of "gentle"/"rough" moments and i swear to God you had to beg her to be gentle before she starts her scan - trust me, you'll be thanking me if you ever did that.

So yeah, i saw my ovary, uterus and womb, doing pretty well, and i also saw the tiny swelling at the left ovary that had set off a bit of panick attack. Nevertheless, having straighten out my thought, i was ready to hear it from the doctor.

bbbbb kept me accomapanied while we await my consultation, not too long later i saw my senior doctor for the first time. His name was Dr. Joseph and he is extremely friendly, positive and comical.    I am thankful he was to take over my files and we spoke alot. Including some of my recent concern and of the swelling that was found earlier.

I guess i have said my piece about rejecting contraception and leaving my fate to God. Dr Joseph explain why he thought contraception was worth the try and how he hope i would fight this war with him now that he is taking over. bbbbb was happy at the findings (since we cannot determine if the swelling was anything dangerous) and he was extremely supportive of the idea of taking contraception. Without much other choice (and because i want to be healthy for my family & my boyfriend) i agree to 2 cycles of contraception till my next review.

Therefore, unfortunately i don't have any good news to share at the moment, but neither do i have any bad news to break - i see it as a good sign already =)  today marks the third day i am taking the contraception pills, no side effects and bloatness or numbness in my feet...

So far it has been so good, bbbb bought me a pill box to sort out the pills so i can stay discipline in taking them. i have another 53 days to go till my next review, our best bet would be for the swelling to decrease in size (a sign that this is non-cancerous) or just remain the same in size.    The worst scenario i rather not think about.    All in all, i know i am ready to give up on the left ovary so this challenge is only a test of of my diligence & the faith of those who love me =)

So yeah, i was this close to giving up, yet i took a turning point and gave it another shot... life


No comments: