i will like to share with you all a good news! I've got positivitism all around me =)
yesteday afternoon i was feeling down, because i thought i am now a better person and a better girlfriend. I was depressed about my bulging weight and the unpredictable appetite that i've recently attain. I attribute it all to the Pill i was taking and how the side effects are taking place.
bbbbb wasnt good with his words, as soon as i drop him a note about my concern, i immediately assumed some consolation i would have told myself if i were him. bbbb didnt said those words i wanted to hear, why would he? He was neither me nor was he living inside me to know what i would like to hear.
bbbbb suggested i stop taking the medication! Why would i want to do it, haven't i hesitate about taking it for the longest time? Some silly arguement later he text "aloud" --> your temper is getting worst
This is a lie! I am not getting worst, in fact i had been getting better - my mental health, my thinking and my appreciation of everything - in Particularly- our relationship. I got upset, i havent really got upset since a long time ago. I think bbbb was lying, he isnt seeing the beautiful picture i have seen.... then on i spiral into an emotional roller coaster ride.
I got quite upset, i texted my best friend. I didnt want to give Sharon a chance to console me immediately, i didnt want to sink further into the emotional dark circle i've now gathered around me. I ended my text to her with a rant, followed by a sign off. I was relieved to let out my thoughts but i wasnt ready to hear any more thing that i might consider a lie.
Not long after, bbbbbbbb apologized... bbbbb never really apologize unless he knows for sure he needs to say them out. He explain the "getting worst" part refers to the times when i've already sinked into depression. He clarifies that my handling of emotion when i am already depressed is getting worst, that's true, i havent work on my emotion handling just yet... If i had been happy all the time, i wouldn't have the depression we will all have to dealt with.
With that note, we ended that conversation.... but i cannot seem to get the thoughts out of my head. Was i doing it all wrongly? Had i neglected everyone around me while i was working so hard on being happy?
Then i remembered the book "The Alchemist" i've read that talks about how we can talk to our heart. And so i did~ i told myself i had never felt this happiness by counting my blessings and showing my gratitude than before. With all the things i've been thanking recently- i feel genuine happiness surrounding me.
Its true! While some friends have chosen to leave this circle of happiness i am spreading, others are slowly picking up the happy feelings and spreading them around too... I am really happy at my life now, i have the life that i saw myself having at this stage. It True!
- Everything that surrounded me are positive stuff. Sharon had the best wedding ever and i am super involve into making it happen.
- We can finally plan for a house, the sort of bedroom i wanted, and with the saving habit i am picking up, i can afford the simple bedroom i really wanted
- The iphone has wonderful apps that allows me to travel to the places around Singapore i never knew i could
- I've finally pick up running, the sort of running where i feel like i have to clock at least once per week
- i pick up all the attires i will wear the next day via Pinterest, this used to be a chore because i couldnt decide on how i can pair the my existing wardrobe with the outfits that i've seen on the magazine, with Pinterest, the choices are limitless!
With some examples here and a whole lot more! i am happy, i should truthfully be!
Later the same afternoon, after knocking off work. I had set my mind to get my running routine done, the weather had not been in my favor (maybe it did because i was thinking about lazing). While walking along the same route to head to Pioneer Station, i caught sight of a familiar silhouette walking towards me.
How could this moment ever been more touching than i would have imagine it to be? I had to catch my breathing as he makes his way towards me, apologizing for hurting my feelings earlier and offered me a bottle of chestnut drink knowing how i often feel thirsty while walking home.
Maybe it was the happiness i had immerse myself in, for the first time i feel really really thankful for having this man iny my life.. Its true! bbbbb had drop me surprise visits several times ever since i started working here, but i had never had that sort of appreciation i would have had yesterday.
It was a feeling too amazing to describe, its like - for a second you care not about the people walking past you, your vision is focus, it really is.... you had your eye only for the man walking towards you because you feel like he was here to sort out the one thing that had pollute your mind for the whole afternoon, and this acknowledgement makes you happy =)
we catch up over a simple dinner, i wanted to see him smile, so i suggested KFC. Little does anyone know how you can cheer someone up by a simple task of picking a food you know will lit up him up. We chat about our arguement earlier, we cleared the air, and bbbbbbb couldnt agree more that i have indeed improve as a girlfriend in our relationship.
It Works!!!~ i never knew how something can be TRUE as long as i BELIEVE it is TRUE. but this time it is =) He agrees readily how i had really become a better other half and for that he is appreciative.
You know how relationship drags by the years, it really does!!~ Somewhere along the fine line, you forget you have the right to call it quit and pick a better other half and restart the sparkle and experience the magical moments once again. The good feeling can come by over and over again as long as you want to restart the cycle. I always knew with my heart how i can make my decision about my life the way i want to experience, yet i've chosen to do something even MORE magical, i picked the same partner over and over again and work with my positivity to re-create the sparkle and magical moments.
Although i cannot say for sure how this sort of re-generate feelings can been done over and over again, i know as long as you remind yourself you have the rights to choose a better other half - then look at your current "half" and try as you might to match the picture... You'll be surprise how i see bbbbb all the time time and receive a tinge of shiver/shyness each time as thou we had only just met and fell "suddenly" attached.
The same night Sharon text me a reply apologizing for not replying me earlier, she used the EXACT mode i had influence her earlier to cheer me up. She reminded me the importance of staying opportimistic, like i did when we head out cycling.
She reminded to recall the story of the weather that faithful Sunday, positivity was got me out of any problem i was facing.... Thank you besties.... i am so happy you saw what i was trying to spread to you, and in return you shed me lights on how i had to keep this spirit going.
Thank you for the wonderful wednesday, i skip my running (in return bbbbbbb promise we will run toegther this weekend so i will feel less guilty)
Thank you for the extra food i ate and in return the guilt i felt (My mum and dad had to remind me how i was NOT putting on weight and that i am already eating so little before the pill, so the extra intake of food just sort of balance my lifestyle. This words were coming out from my parents who always beat around the bush showing their love :)
Thank you for the honest text to Clarinda about how i needed to work on my welfare (for that we text a little more often and she ask me about her choice of airlines to head back to SG)
Thank you for the simple dinner bbbbb and i had (it gives me less guilt drinking the HUGE koi bubble tea i pack home later.. which were skillfully shared between my brother, sister mum n dad for some silly excuses they give while passing the cup around.. hahaha)
Thank you for the morning FB checking ( i had a shock at the 13 likes received for the status i log in about being thankful for bbbbb surprise visit. I feel sooooooooo loved by everyone, i really did )
Thank you for the continuous sporty invites from the friends (with bowling this afternoon with ex-colleagues, super damn glad for their existence, and the guy's fear of ME because i appear "fierce")
Thank you for the company of the secondary school friends, 4 people who lead extremely different lives attempting to meet super often to work on a friendship we see the importance
Thank you for the life i always wanted, for coming true, for Kristal being appreciative.