27aug2019
It was a bad night last night, the fact that i am now done with the dreaded quarterly sales meeting presentation only meant the realization of being alone in this familiar place is finally setting in.
i return from a 5 days work trip last week to Phuket, my 5 trip there in the last 6 years. I was on autopilot mode - as usual- to become that fun person who can stay thru the night chatting with colleague or just being exceptionally welcoming of any ideas they suggest or threw out. Basically, having been working for a while now only meant you truly understand the concept of working harmoniously - u join, you create fun and you tailor your behavior to see others pleasantly. It gets better with time and soon its a natural auto pilot mode that i am now very capable of doing.
Nights in hotel room are also no longer that scary, usually i will set the pillows to align with my sleeping position, then make sure the lights are dim but visibly less scary. The TV are turn on through the night, and the toilet light fully lighted so imma pee without overthinking. I've done this countless times by now - a far cry from the times i started travelling alone and carrying travel lock to ensure the hotel room door stay shut.
i digress .... so i got back to SGP and was immediately greeted by Sonia and Rodman and everything just fell right into place - i was that Mummy Sonia need, and that pregnant Mummy Rodman could pamper. Sonia and i were both sick so i had to take care of her more and ensure she recover well before the start of another week. Monday came and we sent her to school together - it was the first in such a long time that fear upon reaching her school gate becomes eerily familiar again.
Sonia held onto me the whole car journey to school, she refuse her baby seat and i refuse to part with her small body, she held onto my arm thru the journey and had not spoken much, it was too early in the morning to have fun so i laid in silence with her, occasionally asking her random question to see if she had fallen back asleep. As we carry her near her sschool gate, she defiantly refuse to hand over her ah-ah (pacifier), next thing she broke into small tears which affected me. We handed her over to LaoShi anyway, and when LaoShi directed her to say bye-bye to Rodman and me, she went on full mode crying which means I was crying too..
Oh gosh, what an embarressing sight! Sonia's started school for 6 months now and i am still the train wreck of a weak Mummy and had it not been for my Mum, who knows how long i was going to reenact this emotional send off every morning? Anyhow, i hurried into the car and by then i saw that Laoshi had once again outdo her magic and Sonia wasnt crying no more. Rodman and i then set off
to work /reservist which also meant i had 2 more weeks of being separated from my husband, after the initial week in Thailand that flew by.
I mean, i am usually very used to this by now you know. Travelling for work, sleeping in hotel room
and looking forward to the time apart from my other half. I dont get myself too why this week seems to hit me harder than the other times. Was it cos i am pregnant (IT WAS DEFINITELY COS i am pregnant lah damn those hormones). I was feeling more alone that usual and it just doesnt get easier. I set the week ahead and plans for meetups with my girlfriends but the dread feeling of actually heading out is still hard to bear.
i cry so much on the drive home from work, now suffering from the post trauma of overcrying and
am suffering a really severe headache. I came home after dinner with Bestie to the house with the fan on, the lights on - just the way i left them. i saw my water bottle standing on the Kitchen island proudly EMPTY just the way i dump it when i got home hours before. i saw the cups i have drank from the afternoon still half filled and ready for a wash. Then the thought that i had taken it all for granted hit me so so hard and i begin to cry again. I cried in the shower, while washing them cup and when i open the fridge to see snacks but refuse to bite into them.
I turn my head and saw the jar of water Rodman boiled from the morning and was so so so glad there is still water to drink and cry again cos i am so so touched that he made small gesture like this everyday and i just grew to accept them as part of my everyday life. In my head i question if i had eaten my natal viamins and then trigger more tears as Rodman place them bottles right before my water bottle fully filled wit water every morning so i wont missed eating any. My husband does all of this things that i truly appreciate in every living day of my married life and i dont ever show my appreciation that way i truly felt inside.
The hormonal change are killing me more inside and then baby starting rolling and kickin my tummy and i cried in happiness that i am not exactly alone. We spent the night together, with me rolling and forcing myself to sleep while baby continue to kick inside. I try not to look at the other side of the King size bed where Rodman would usually be snoring away or when Sonia will held onto my arms tightly as she sleep through the night. It was the first night of the next 9 nights sleepnig alone and i decided today was a good day to rant them feelings but embrace the freedom for the next few nights.
Needless to say, it was day of self reflection and i am more thankful than ever that i am married to a perfect man whom took such great care of me. I reminded myself to think backof this crying day whenever i am angry or piss at him that it actually isnt too big of a deal than ever losing him. Because we are together and because i dont just love Rodman, but i needed Rodman more than i ever thought i would need.
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