Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Another Timmy Post

Today, i looked back at the entries when Timmy was a big issue.

Timmy stayed with me for my entire teenagehood. Despite looking like i was physically pregnant for too long, i scored myself a fantastic boyfriend, who went on to becoming my husband. That was my greatest achievement ever!

Fast forward later, the procedure went well & i was glad to be alive. That meant to say, i went on and live an amazing 4 years filled with positive vibes! i am proud to say i made alot of people feel better about themselves.

i also took the years to appreciate the friends that stood by. Guilty as charged, some amazing friends who were super supportive of me during this period have move along their lives, but i will always remember their useful support to guide me to healthiness.

For that i am eternally grateful!

Despite living a healthier-than-before lifestyle, my health didn't get much better after the op, they say your body changed forever once they took something away from the full system, i guess i am a true living proof of this testimonial. i fall sick easily, as compare to my twice a year record before the op. i fall sick on a average of 6 times a year.    In addition, each fever doesn't just come & go with panadol, sometimes i need to sleep the afternoon away or i would black out even while peeing.

I also never really fell ill just by nearing someone down with a virus, but i do now. As long as they slightly cough or sneeze in my directions, but i lived life to the fullest anyway.  The next biggest challenge i took after the op was to board a long-haul flight while drowning in pain from my wisdom tooth extraction, somehow the painkiller is my ammo, i feel like i can conquer it all better than i did before because i have been to the worst.

i am convinced i was "selected" because i was the stubborn, determined me that many are not. So its no surprise that today, 07sept2016 - 5 days past my conversation with Dr Joseph, i am sitting here readdressing the issue that had haunt me before.

I said "before"because i had clearly moved on with life no less than in the past 3 years.

1) In summary, Dr Joseph advice that we should close this issue once & for all
2) If i have plan to expand my family, i should not allow the day to come when Rodman have to choose between Mummy or baby
3) There are chances that i am not conceiving despite my enthusiasm because of Timmy
4) To be fully declared as cancer-free i should rid the root of problem
5) The new "timmy" has clearly show sign of abnormality, changing its properties & looking like there are some activities happening - Timmy is now 3.7cm width
6) I am not getting younger & if i want to be pregnant and not live my life blaming on the possibilities, i should not allow Timmy another chance to battle my life

and so - with the support of my mum, dad, Kor, Gary, Kristi, Mum-in-law, Rodman, Bestie, Paperstop, Clarinda - i have decided to go ahead...........

............................. and remove my left ovary.

Really, at this point, having cried buckets over this matter, i have come alive again - much to my own expectation. I don't like to fall down like a injured soldier for too long, i am a warrior!  

Did i contemplated suicide? - definitely, back in 2012. by 2016 i was too selfish to say goodbye. I married a fantastic man, i need to leeched onto him for as long as i can, i studied too much to let it go down the drain, and i have far too many friends to make them cry for me now.

Did i feel guilty towards them all? - i still do. This painful feeling doesn't go away, despite mindfucking myself all this time that i didnt predicted this so it wasnt my fault.  i feel like i owe my life to all this people, and as long as i can make them happier i will do my all to make it work.  
- My in-laws especially, for accepting my past & allowing me to be part of the family, only for me to fail them.
- My husband, for having to experience this level of worrying twice in the past years of our courtship. i never have to worry about him the way he has to about me, and he surely dont deserve this kind of fate, but has to resign to it because he love me.  
- My parents especially, for feeling sorry towards my husband, then feeling guilty for raising me this way. They are not to be blame, i didnt take care of myself to the best they had hope i did, but how can i tell them its really not their fault? i only wish they understood that no one- not me for sure - wanted me to be like this,

Was i worried about myself? i dunno how else to describe or advise them all, i am NOT worried about myself, not the slightest bit. But like Rodman say, it is only because i dont care about myself the way they care for me, so i dont feel worried.   It's like i have a strong gut feeling that this op will be the last, then i will have baby- Babies - and my life will be so so so complete. i dont feel for my health, because really - it doesnt matter - but of course it does matter if i have to fork out $$ for it, so i guess i shud be worried? hahahhaha

ok ... all set!!! now all's left is to wait for the day... the day to say goodbye to my left ovary.  Then onwards i will pray & protect & cherish my right ovary for she will be working 12times a year to ovulate, menstruate & give me my babies. As solo as a warrior as its owner - Kristal

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