i gues i am going crazy loving someone..


wish i could give lesser.... to be jealous over even someone so dear makes myself puke at my own behaviour...


its just a pain in the ass knowing all the things u have done for him, and while u are at life toughest stages where u are losing everything, losing sleep, losing faith, losing appetite... it irks u to know how much the person u so wish had gone through this with you is shopping with his friend, his cousin.


its not who he ends up going out with, its him going out that sets u off like a mad old hag.

Its not who he ends up going out with, its how he always got himself busy with so many other things except to sit down and go through everything with you.


My sympton of pressure has been showing, i wish i had not put so much reliance on him, cos right now that load weighing me down double..


ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

missing.... you

This is a story of a girl who lives up the hill
this girl once dream of leaving the small town to find a man of her dream

Then one day the girl found, a precious rare find,
he was a guy from down the hill, a hunter well defined
he hunt his way up the forest every fortnightly,
till one day he saw her, her long skirt sashaying,
he offer his help and they became friend
what started out as friend eventually turned romance

one day the buy confess, his feelings for her,
he did so by curving the initial of that girl
the girl would never know, cos the feelings never show.
the guy din admit it, just more than friends or so

many years to come, one day the boy stop showing
the girl waited under the tree, same time, pondering
she din know why, yet she din want to ask
for reality was cruel, something just dun last.

and then i stop composing... some story comes with a sad ending, i learnt today some things aint always how fantasy turns out to be, something are made the way it is as it creates that illusion and encourage us to grow up.

yet when we do grow up, reality sink in, many things are done against our free will, irregardless of our feelings.

we begin to socialise into the human being we were made to be, conform to the values and norms that is attached to a group or role in which we participate in ( this are straight out from my sociology paper taken hrs ago)

i feel like a selfish person whenever i do things that upset others, yet i feel so sorry for myself if i live in a misery that ultimately declare my life.

i know letting go now proves a better future, yet i am holding on to this thing so tight, and this thing is feelin suffocated.

gosh,, i m messing up even my own life.. i cant seem to follow what my heart is thinking, thus the garbage words u see here..

get a life Kristal

7.40 pm

I CAUGHT A LIZARD ON MY LIZAD TRAP!!!~

geez... no idea how i can get so excited over catching lizard, perhaps its cos i cant sleep at night tinking about them crawling all over me?


Cuz hse is like living in a jingle, except worst ( buts its super comfy u cant help it)


i had this awful video of both of us screaming and shouting at the GECKO we were meant to kill, seriously!~?~ Gecko, not lizard but GECKO.. that freakier kind of lizard that hops around and jump.. Which lizard jumps? Gecko lor..


Grrrrr. i m having goosebump all over tinking about the gecko.. its me alone at home now n i am waitin patiently for the cousin to bump her add back and struggle pushing the lizard trap back into the room i am bunking now.. cos i suspect there are more lizard there, except smarte..


The lizard at cuz room are dumb.. i deliberately place the trap there cos i saw the lizrd head peeking out earlier.. din knw it was as stupid as i tot.. it went straight on to the sticky pad..


so why isnt the gecko in my bunking room caught yet?


in any case i am thankful tonight sleep shall prove to be a better one cos its one enemy down.. though there are MORE to go..

=)











































Hopping around in Ah Pins Road!!! Bb's new attempt to cheer me up!!!! i am so in love!!!!

haha.. he will be sending me my dinner, specially delivered to my doorstep and i dun have to pay some more.. !! even monkey is happy.!!!

Bb..

75.58 min into the game, Fletcher kena a red card and was out, V.Persie got a free kick and that was how Arsenal score 1 point... loser.... -.-"


My idol Giggs tried to talk referee (Roberto) into lighting the sentence but the referee says no..


77.29 into the game.. V.Persie got slap in the face and is bleeding from the mouth. He was replace by Vela...


Adebayor kick carrick in the leg, suppose to be a red card but never.... (referee Ka-you)


85,40 into the game, Park kena push and got a chance to score, Ronaldo kick the ball but it "almost" went in only.


87.28 into the game, Ronaldo kena kick in the chest, gets a chance to score, but it was super far from the goal post.


Game ends.. Man u 3- 1 Arsenal...


Final is Chelsea and Barcelona? (or at least that was what i heard)....

i wonder why i always end up being the bad person


L.T.A Rodman:
sorry
its my fault
sorry


L.T.A Rodman just sent you a nudge.


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
yeah
i told u i understand le
u talking to ur bro
i neever say anything else what
u wan i just let u talk to him la
why say until like i am angry cos u are busy


L.T.A Rodman says:
cause u say ur cousin is back and tell me go telk to him
this sound like u are angry


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i admit i was a little
afterall u finish ur soccer till then we din have a chance to talk
u are either stuck with this or have that
i dunno how to stay uunderstanding
sorry


L.T.A Rodman says:
sorry
there is only one me
sorry


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i know/
i know there is only one u
just seem like u dun appreciate me
me accompany u to soccwer
ask u go to socce
watch man u
u got Ot we dun meet
all that and i m still me
everything is abt u
only one u
i wish i can split u up too
i wish u can split me up so in my life i dun revolve only around u
i wish i can leave u behind and play thing such as soccer too
its just tat
i only have u
yet u have many other people
i feel like i only owe that small part of u


L.T.A Rodman says:
once I have free time I call u
if can I go meet u
everything I did also for u
u dun like me to go soccer
I told u I can quit
I can dun plat
play
whatever u wan, I will try my very best to make it the best


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
... .. u make me feel like a selfish person again


L.T.A Rodman says:
whenever we are together

Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
its ok
stop saying anything now
i dun wan to argue
i am sorry its all my falt
*fault


L.T.A Rodman says:
I try to make u happy always


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
good nigh.. i am loggin off


L.T.A Rodman says:
u are not selfish
bb
I know u wan to spend time with me!
I also wan


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i guess its better that i dun


L.T.A Rodman says:
dun say till I dun appreciate u
cause the fact is I DO


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i dun wan to argue anymore
u do
ok

I Blog is a mean-pok, Bb would have agree with me to give it "2-pinkie" slap.

The pictures above are taken when Pau, clar join me and we became the "pon-pon girls" for the night.. In the picture we are short of Macho, then u'll be able to tell who was "matched" to who.
Above all, that night was still memorable... glad the girls make perfect company, it was hell of a way to destress myself.. feeling way cool..

Today was a full day of anger.. however, i am really glad Bb has seen worst and was the kindest thing on earth to understand me. Unlike the past quarrel we had, nowadays we choose to forget things that will upset us. Bb did you realise that after the last time you chooses to give up cos of my temper, i have changed alot?

I am still adapting to this new me, which was agood change cos at times i feel less heavy. Perhaps i really dun wan to go through the same procedure twice and perhaps i just cannot afford to lose my Bb.. i am trying my best to stay alive and be that "some thing just aint worth being angry about" atitude.

Studying.. studying.. studying..

pretending to be studying... pretending to be studying...

My Bb says i can tk a rest after all the studies today.. he is super nice and helps me plan my schedule well.. Thanks Love.. dunno what to do without you,.., muackz.

Everyone is cancelling their trip overseas., this is really scary, as much as i wanna go to Thailand, i am worried about the condition there at this time, especially at times like this where the chaotic riot over Thaksin has just been settle and here comes another big issues.. i sure hope BKK is coping with this well.. on the other hand, i am not sure if Singapore is coping it well enough for us to leave the country. In any case, the main thing tat really matters now is to spend ample quality time with Bb before he leaves for Uk..

i am counting days yet not lookng forward to it.. everyday is a scary day.. i wish Bb wont leave yet wish Bb will leave.. argh.. the confusion inside..

Bb discuss me today publicizing his blog again, and i am fully supportive of it. i reckon since Bb is leaving for Uk soon, it will be good to make use of the blog to keep in contact with his friends and family. Only setback is that we probably wont have the private msg we use to have (as in still have now la)

Bb also admit that he cant mushy talk me like how we use to openly do,.. but i guess its all down to e-mail now.. Just really hope in his heart i have a special place. Cos there is a selfish part of me beneath it all that refuses to share Bb with anyone else. That included EVERYONE that is important to him. Cos i wan some pat of him ALL to myself.. even if its just a little.

Oh sigh.. this entry is makingg me all emotional, thinking about how life will be without him.. shall stop here..

Watch the bf played soccer today, what was different from the other days was that i was accompanied by my angels (Pau and Clar).


We were the pon pon girls today, each of us cheering for a guy (clar exception). Bb says he played pretty badly but i was actually impressed, at least for one thing i know, i see him drilling the ball pretty much, this was unlucky the case as usually the position he took are blocked from his opponent and many times of supporting him play i was actually impressed this time he was at the right position and the goalkeeper seize the chance to pass him the ball.


Pau and Clar keep me really companied, usually i would have spend the time revising my paper, but this time however it was hard especially since the match was pretty exciting. I am glad to say the coordination of Lao Zhang, Lao wang, Lao Choo, Macho and Bb were great, it was a good passing the ball from one teammate to another.


initially i had doubts if Macho will feel left out, i guess it was a good move to impress the guys with a heartwarming name like "Rich" to introduce him.. Afterall, what could one not mention about someone with a name call Rich. The girls and i went out for a while during the guys' important match, heard from Macho that Bb almost had a collision with this guy. I believe my bb is a man of patience, so it must have been the other opponent underlying means that pisses my bb off.. Well, in my opinion, he deserve it. No one pisses my bb that badly except me, but bb will never hit me.. He wouldnt even sacrifice biting me whenever i sink my teeth into his flesh, which is super often cos i really love biting my bb.


Had a great lunch at Bb's aunty's hse and we played nintendo Wii.. only setback was when his Aunty mention about asking Bb to leave for Uk earlier, that would also means me seeing lesser of him for a longer time. From the end of my paper till June 20th, that will makes me spending less than a month time with Bb before he leaves for UK. Although, like many other relationship, this was a short Long-distance one. But i had all the regrets in the world for not being able to spend the time with him.


Nowadays i get really emotional, cos time is passing by really quickly and on one hand i really wish for the exam to finish soon, on the other hand i am fearing each passing day marking one day down before my bb leaves for a long trip.


I have send enough request to my important friend about keeping me company when bb is gone, afterall, it's only for one year, 365 days, 12 months and almost 48 weeks before i see him again. So whether its 10 days lesser or more, that difference wouldnt mind.


Enough emotions about his departure. I shall count my blessing and be thankful for yet another day of bb being with me. We slept in the afternoon at his room with his sister and her bf.. it was a tired afternoon and his bed is super comfy. Bb arm was around me and it din take me very long before i fell into a deep sleep, i knew it was deep cause after all this years, this was the first time (after a long time) that i drool while sleeping, i woke up with saliva on Bb arm (hehe)..


we also spend aimless hours on bed after we woke up talking about stupid jokes and playin on the psp.. afterwhich he went off to send his parent back from the auntie place.. it was a worthwhile labour day spend with my bb.


i miss you already.... wanna take more picture of us..

Today was another silly day at work, i really hate working and am super glad my bb decides to accompany me while i rot myself at work.


Revision, as usual was nothing smooth, i proudly declare today i've cover just how much i've cover yesterday night, and the final rundown with Bb wasnt perfect for halfway through, i totaly give up.


The interesting part came while bb was sending me home, we had our usual prank.
For some reason Bb and i are addicted to this silly game that even a 3 yr old can master - scissor paper stone. Yet, often our punishment for the loser (usually the one that lost 3 rounds) are scary, inclusive of pinching and mostly its biting.


I like to bite my bb, his flesh are chewy... haha.. kidding la, bb flesh are tone so when u sink ur teeth into those skin its as though u are chewing on ur eraser! Yet what i really enjoy doing was seeing his pitiful face whenever i bite him, sometimes i overdo it and he will scream in pain, other times he will attempt to bite me back. Its really interesting to play this silly game over and over agian yet never feeling bored.






















After Bb sent me back to Cuz i was told to put the plastic of trash into the big garbage bin outside the mansion, so i hurried my footstep hoping to call out to Bb and surprise him. When my short legs finally get to him i sudden freeze, for the first time since dated this silly guy i was observing the way he walk, really focusing on the shadow and his back.
Then i tink to myself " haha.. such squeezable ass! Sexy!"


Its nice to slow down in life all of a sudden and observe the people that are closest to you in a way you have never. I begin to count my blessing and was Thanking whoever brought us together, for sending me a special guy that keep so quiet whenever he gets mad at me, and constantly pretend to choke me when i was all that mischievous. Deep down inside i always knew, the chance was a rare one and one that might one day slip away, but as long as i can keep him by my side for at least one more day, i hope it will be the moment both of us can remember.


Thanks and Loving you Stinky,... cant wait to go BKK with you and ur part time gf

Franting....

no for the exam but for the feeling on being "on-the-run"

This is by far the most straining exam i've been on, mainly because i need to stay away from home, refrain from studying with distraction and travel all the way to expo for the exam.

i feel so tired already, only console are the encouragement from my close one. Pau has agreed to spare me a land (2m by 2m) in her room for me to study straight, and before that its off to Viv hse (she has to leave on the 15th... the day of my worst paper, Economics)

Bb has also promise me a really relaxing trip to thailand straight after my paper, so for some reason i encourage myself that the struggle was worth it. I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest with Bb and his family and part time gf.

This is only the first year at school.. i am franting abt my next year in school... by then bb will be in UK and no one will promise me anything after my paper.

Bb,, u got to plan ahead for my exam in 2010 and 2011 ok? probably send me a parcel of goodies that will reach me on the last day of my paper. I suddenly got an idea to maybe suggest to my brother (who by than has a hse of his own) to rent a room to me for the studying period, with exception to their dog, Hori, i shall be safe from any risk..

the trip the trip the trip... i wan the trip now...

i wan to earn alot of money and quickly stop worrying abt the school fees..

i wan to fly to UK with bb....

i wan to finish this degree with good grades.,,.,

there are so many things i really wanna do now... but they are all on hold..

there is one important things to do now, to erase all the bad tots from my mind,

to stop feeling like a runaway trying to find a shelter, i am not that bad yet.....

i wan may 21st to come sooner....

8th month and couting with the silly boy.. he made my day and many things have changed, be it good or bad, all i know is i am thankful for each day we are together.

Staying at Cuz for the moment, everything is chaotic now, i've got alot of things on the agenda, trip to bangkok, exam to pass, resume sent to Citibank.. All i really want now is to finish the exam, get it over and done with and spend all the time in the world with my pokpok till he leaves for uk.

i haven got much to write cos i if i do every thing will be repeated, like how i am doing the same stuff over and over again like a cycle.

rrrraaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh///

So in the end............. he din write it.


i am no longer the Kristal i tot i was... that one who back out when the other party says so.. i fight for my rights, but i have absolutely no assurance as to whatever i am doing.. not really sure if this time, he wont back out again..... if he does, i m too exhausted to win him back.


Like he mention, he tot love was simple, i guess mine was not... not to him and not to me. Right now he have yet to write me an assurance of whatever was going to happen if he backs out again, but all of a sudden i realise, when a person really wans to leave you... no amount of work can make him stay.. So why did the last time works? because perhaps i am trying that last bit of whatever faith i have in us.... and thank God it works.


This few days has been happy.... Bb and i work out a "me-time" package whereby he can spend more time with his friend while i seek my own program somewhere. As such, he was able to play his soccer fully and i could tell he was happy with those company he have gotten from his friend. inside my heart, i was very very console Bb was happy again, and truth has proven it was not because of me that makes him happy.


Why was i a willing party being the person who helps him happy? cos i know bb tries hard to make me happy too.. But no 2 person can make the other happy without sacrificing something that makes them sad by alittle. So if there are some thing i did that will make bb happy even though it was not me that he is happy about, i will still do it.


Clar ask me why Bb needs some time without me to make him happy? Isnt he afraid that he will regret missing out on this with me time when he goes to UK? i dunnoo.... i guess he just isnt feeling the sense of emptiness as much as i do, and perhaps he hasnt start feeling upset about leaving me soon..


i am feeling the emptiness each day. I have already decided not to msg Bb unless he msg me during his work time, and durin his "me-time". But during this period i feel so empty and lonely, and then i will imagin how many times worst it will get when i cannot SMS him anymore. i will imagine how sucky it feels to go home alone after work, to finish school without reportin to him. I feel so so so depress, but i brush all the thoughts away knowing he isnt feeling anything about it and perhaps i shouldnt too..


Our relationship can be consider stable now, Bb no longer holds me hand as often and i ask him why today, he told me i was tinking too much..... i am going crazy.. haha.. and i tink i am crazy..


Bb wrote on his blog how his family likes me around, the fact was that i like his family too.. but if Bb dun likes me... it wouldnt help having his family to likes me, cos ultimately it is him who decides whether we should be together.


I am feeling at disadvantage, i fear each moment he gets upset with me.. nowadays whenever he gets angry with me, i might quarrel with him a little and pray silently to God it will be over soon, cos i am scare he will mention those words again.


Bb says he is feeling really stress at work and no one understands him... slowly i begin to realise how much he tinks, or maybe i really am, not the best gf he can have..i cannot fit the criteria as an ideal gf, the kind all man wants and all woman aim to be.


The ideal girlfriend would be one who knows when to be understanding at the right time, who will silently help his bf forget his worries at work and make him happy and honour to be with her, she will be the ideal gf if her bf is scared of losing her..


I really learnt alot from this relationship, many of the stuff was learnt the hard way, the painful way...i dunno if i can ever become the good gf he wanted, or if i will change. i know its hard to lose this guy, but if the tot of him wanting to call it quit haunt me everyday... i really dunno what to do..


Bb still hasnt talk about it, like the good old times he has decided to behave as thou it din happen, i am really very very moody... by day i can still pretend, but by night when it was time for reflection, i realise the problem is still there...


there are definitely going to be more "me-time"... i hope i will get use to having a lesser piece of him.. otherwise without msging him at work and without feeling as though he is definitely mine... i think it wont be long before i scare him away..



haha.. irony, Yuan Lai there is no such thing as a Guardian Angel, Yuan Lai no one sends blessing from above, its all about giving in, taking lesser and giving more.. Yuan Lai feeling too serious about a relationship can be so tough...


Good night Bb... i still like u as ever..

Dear Rodman,


Nobody ever told u you were the bestboyfriend, the only kind any girl ask for. There is a reason why i tease u by calling u sweet silly stinky slpyhead, one thing for sure, you fufil all the adjectives.


You were the sweetest boy ever, i never had much to complain about, you were nice to your family and never complains about my overly demanding behaviour.


You look silly when you stare at me with those awfully innocent eyes, then i will tease u by describing just how tiny your eyes were, i love ruffling through your hair for you make that silly face whenever i do that.


You stink after a good soccer match, yet i hardly complain about watching you play. And even if i do so, we'll end up at the soccer field cos i can never afford to see you look disappointed, i wanted you happen, everytime you are with me, each time you look at me, and each time you whisper sweet nothings into my ears.


You are definitely the slpyhead in my heart, for when we travel to a faraway land and i lost sleep at night, you try your best to keep yourself awake and pat me while i try to grab some sleep, yet you always doze off before i do and i had to irritate you to wake u up and keep me company.


We did everything together Rodman, you were the most accurate alarm clock i can ever ask for, each time i deliberately tries to sleep a little more, you never fail to get my ass out of the bed. Each morning starts with a sweet msg from you, sometimes telling me how monday sucks as the beginning and friday suck cos OT comes in.


We enjoy doing sily stuff, completing the list of never-ending-wannados... we even thought of cycling up the crocodile pond i chance upon on one of my expediture and you promise to bring me to Hong Kong cos you were familiar with the place.


i was always proud of introducing you as the bf of mine cos i see us together walking down the aisle together, each time you excuse yourself from the topic i explain to myself that it was only cos you felt insecure and things were still new for both of us. I know it deep down inside i was your first few serious gf, so you might think that you have yet to see the larger world so all was not lost and chances are, there might be someoen better out there, but i never let myself down thinkin of all this, i wanted you to be mine and i know i will constantly find ways to make you attracted to me.


there are times i pray to God to shed some pounds off my body so i look good enough for you, i even suggest taking part in some man-mag so that you can show off to the larger world out there your gf is good and there are no one comparable to her.


And althought we see couple walking down the street wearing the same couple tee, and i told you how much i was against this public act of affection, we will always remind each other when we turn up in almost ths same colour clothing line and thats makes us both happy.


You have taught me how to peel prawn effortlessly yet you refuse to let me do the job, cos you din wan my hands to be stain with those stinky prawn smell, you peel the prawn and left it on my plate.


I hated eating crab as it sometimes cuts through my skin, yet i was so keen on showin off to you that your tiny plate were often filled with shredded pieces of crab meat, those that i took the whole time trying to peel off the shell. You ate it and i was consoled.


When we first went star gazing by East Coast Beach, you brought me to a place i felt was damn beautiful. Then i look up into the sky and wish that i could see a shooting star, then we can both make wishes to stay together for a good long time. Though the shooting star din appear, i know deep down inside i was wishing to the annoymous star, any one that twinkle, i wish you will continue to love me this way, few years down the road, till we both grow old together.


You once drove pass a church and we were both amazed by how grand it look, despite its broken down shape, and i told you i wanted to get married inside that church, whether i am christian anot. Then in my mind the image of you holding my hand appear and my lip twitch a little, smiling at how foolish i get around you.


We went to Expo sales with your brother to get your GPS, the crowd was overwhelming, you held on to my hand and we squeezes through the crowd together, i could feel your firm grip and i knew i was safe in your hands, even when you told me to close my eyes on my 22nd birthday and trust whenever you are taking me to, i recall that hand that grip to firmly, and then i laid my eye to rest while you drive me up the hill to enjoy our first candle light dinner on the peak. I felt like a princess who is very pampered, and i thank God inside my grandma sent someone so special to take care of me.


We were the envy of many, or so i always tell myself. I like being around you, doing your household chores and watching you play your psp. I like hearing your techniques about conquering those difficult stint on the game we both deem are good for our mind.


The 8 months with you were the happiest and i enjoyed it without a single regrets. One day i made a very very very silly mistake of screaming some vulgarities out of anger through the phone while you were on the receiver end. That spark you to get confuse and call it quit. By quit you meant all that we have been through, all that thick and thin we have endured.


The quit set me back to many months ago, when you first disappear from my life, at that point i was all alone and had finally made a major move about controlling my life. At that stage i wanted myself happy and you promise me happiness. you offer your hand, and i gladly took it. Then without warning, you sink into your world of being the Saint. You wanted everyone to be happy and you assume by being the Saint and giving up on me, everyone will be happier.


How are you to know giving me up makes everyone happier? how are you to judge if i am happier with you or with someone else? you had no answer to that, you could only remmeber how you were first hurt by someone else and how it hurts to be the victim.


I felt like that victim, i tot love was simple too.. i tot if i love someone i go for it, if i want things to last i make it last. I tot love was so simple that when others wans a share of it, unless they truly deserve it, otherwise its mine and i am not willing to share it with others.


Love is put in a simple terms, like you had your mummy and you are born knowing you share it with your sister and brothers. You are fine with it and you love your mummy alot, but what if one day a man came to you and said he love your mummy too and wans a share of the love? Will you gladly be a saint and generous offer him a share of your mummy love? Cos by doing so everyone will be happier? I wont do so, i am selfish and if mummy belongs to me and those deem deserve it will always remain that way.


Then a couple of advise from your friends and you decide you have found your way to happiness, than probably a try wouldnt hurt, you attempt to hang out with me again, and i agree, i will definitely agree no matter how long you take to ask me out again cos my heart says i love you. That is hard to change and i am selfish, so much so that i want a piece of you, if not the whole of you.


WE have been dating for 8 months and each day the feeling grew fonder, right now you reminded me again how dumping me was as easy as "it will be better for the both of us" and because you are scared "that the quarrel wont stop".... you were being the Saint saving me before misery.


But bb.... i never wanted to be saved, cant you tell right from the start i did the silliest thing a girl could do, that is to give the same guy who gave her up another chance to prove himself. If i din want to be saved 8 months ago i never wanted to be saved. i am torn and tattered i am destroying myself, you may think i am destroying whatever good life i was born with, but i am selfish and i want things for myself. i fight for my rights to get the person i wan to be with.


i cant explain how i have courage to go against your wishes and to stop the Saint from his rescue. i have cried hundreds, if not thousand drops of tears to get what i truly deserve. I ignore whatever that was to be said about me and my choices, i fight for my rights cos i want you.


Yet times and times again you chooses to give me up in an act of saving the both of us. I am sorry i have been so selfish. If by saving you means sacrificing myself bb i cant do it. i am never a Saint and you can choose to be one, but make sure you do it for the right reason.


We dont regret things we said, unless we really din mean it. i really din mean to curse u in anger and nothing can explain my gratitude in your forgiveness. i know it so damn well i din mean to say those words and only did so in anger, but did you say what u said cos of anger too?


Despite my continous temper and anger, i had never really show signs of wantin to leave, i wanted us together for the longest time. i can bear all that comes into my way cos i wan us together. Yet bb, you chooses to give me up whenever situation comes in the way that proves as though we werent meant to be.


I believe arguement between couple are meant to be, you mention you din want any quarrel but take a look at your own parents, happily in love though one tend to squabble with other or silently talks bad about the others.... aint they still the perfect couple i witness with my own eyes, that brought up a good and solid family.


My parent fight before, quarrel before and mummy left home before, but dad has never mention a single word of giving up. He once explain how FAMILY was made up of Father And Mother I Love You. he believe once a family is set up, no one can do with a Father or a Mother, which is why he always hang on, and Mummy and Daddy perhaps the happiest couple i see most of the times when they din quarrel.


I wan my relationship to end up just lke mum and dad, if not better. Dad has taught me to endure whatever pain given to you if you wan things to work out, but dad also mention my partner has to be someone like mummy that learnt to appreciate whatever he has done for her.


Our family loses our home to swindler, loses my education money to obstacles, but i never lose the encouragement to study harder or work harder for the money.



Dear Rodman, i cry alot for you, but we laugh together even more. Are you really willing to give up everything just with those few incidents that happen to us? wouldnt it be nice if we could really work things out, tk a stroll together by the beach, and go star gazing together.


i dunno how life can carry on without you being a part of it, but i am not able to bring myself together each time you call it quit. i know that i love you, is that a reason good enough to bring us back together?

Baby.... i know you dont want to hear this, but i really want us to work things out right

Today's journey home was heavy, it was yet another day of heavy heart.


i refuse his request to walk me home, the look in his eye were obvious signs of tiredness, the silence we held throughout the train journey adds on to the akwardness. Like he said there was a big question mark between us.


Today i question my feelings for him yet again, the only answer that i had given myself remains the same - i am still crazily in love with this guy, yet why does the feeling feel different? The current feeling had a sour, bitter and strangely sad feeling added to it.


I was a mad dog today, i couldnt stop pestering him for a tiny bit of attention, i promise myself today will be different, i promise myself today i will show my strong side and leave him alone to get busy with his work. Yet i fail again, at 3pm i was bonkers, i was going crazy staring at the phone hoping it will rang.


It wasnt like this the previous times, there were so many evidence of him pestering me any time of the day, wanting that tiny bit of attention and we will exchange words of encouragement, then we will hang up the phone and perhaps drop another call again minutes later. i had always tot such action was the sweetest thing he had done, and its with this encouragement that keeps me going.


Today, he mention how much he seek my understanding that this time it was different and he was really busy, i knew deep down inside i wish i could leave him alone also, so why din i? i hated myself, the way he puts it, i knew it was all mu fault, my fault for wanting the past to re-enact it self, for him to see me the way he first do. But it was all in the past.. things cannot go back to the way it was.


The first month was unique, he had repeatedly make the effort to do things over and over again cos it matters and knowing this was the start, he wanted to make it perfect, i was referring to how he can walk over to my side and offer to open the door for me, make the effort to tell his mum what i did for him, how he sink into bed after msging me those sweet nothings, how he started his day msging me sweet nothings. Then when we meet he was the sweetest, grabbing my hands whenever he can, placing his hand on top of mine when he is driving.


Those tiny things he did, all made my heart melt. it seems like months have passed and he no longer felt some thing were worth doing. Even the act of holding my hands diminished, to him, i was like a burden he knew he had to carry... yet i want to hold on, cos i cannot let go yet.. cos i haven lose that feeling yet..


After knowing i wasn't attractive to him physically, i din know how to carry on presenting myself, i lost the interest in bothering to dress up, lost finding excuse to make him praise me. i feel very very ugly in front of him, despite him explaning why he stop attempting to held me tight like he use to, i was loss at what to do. For the first time in my life, i lose myself.


I feel so ugly, extremely unattractive in front of him, he told me he did not feel the threat when others make attempt to tackle me. althought he mention it was cos he was confident of himself, i felt i was more convince cos i am not worth it.


today i told him i will learn to tk this relationship less seroiusly, and he agrees to it, telling how apologetic he was that things hadnt change for the better and it was worst than the prevoius one. i was extremely heartbroken, mainly because i cannot believe how he could compare himself with that man, and how he mention he fail too. So i am the person who determine if my partner fail in a relationship? Or was it all me? Could all my ex-bf do better when they do not date me? Was he trying to hint me that i was too forceful in this relationship?


His silence overcome all the trauma we encounter today, and like him, i no longer want to solve it verbally, i have learnt from him that silence provide the best solution, all he did was look at me with that sadness i feel it. I feel guilt and apologetic.


I hate the way i am loving this guy, i really really miss those days....... why cant God give me a second chance and turn time back just 6 months ago? Why was i to face his business follow by his disappearance for 12 months at the same time knowing i was no longer attraction physically?


Tomorrow is finally April1st. this was the day i pray so long to come, yet when it finally draw near, i am wishing it will tk a longer time to come. Reason being because this has only proves his deterimination at work and it only shows when he has other commitment, i was to excuse myself. Thought after april 1st thing might get slightly better, i tremble with fear anticipating the next big project he might face, when i was to be pushed to one corner again.


i feel so lonely on a tuesday night, BB, if only i listen to my heart and love u lesser, maybe it wont feel so bad. Why did u mention u were upset to hear i was hurting myself? From your point of view i realise i was a scary gf who mutilate herself to gain attention, this is psychologically wrong and why is it that i dun remember myself reaching this extreme? What are u driving me at?
Or was i really sick in the head?

i am in pain, why does it starts to hurt. i tot this time it will be different.

He is the sweetest man on earth, but we have the deepest problem together.

Today i went paranoid, those torturing hours of him not contacting me

i feel like a second priority, like a part timer in on call basis

When he told me thereafter he was busy with work, it got me even angrier

what exactly was wrong with me? i am losing my mind, all i can remember is,

i cry, den i laugh den i cry again.

i must have been under alot of pressure, and sad to admit this relationship at this stage has only add on the weigh.

This morning i wake up with a mouthful of blood, i went to the toilet and spit them out but it was still bleeding, i was too restless to check the root of the bleeding,

Then when he msg me after so long saying he fell asleep which is why he haven reply me,

i feel blood running in my mouth again,

this time it still din stop. i went to the mirror and saw a very healthy teeth was bleeding profusely

it was the decaying tooth kind of bleeding, i was clenching my teeth too hard in anger that it bled.

Then i recall the sleep i had last night,

filled with tears and mucous, fear and absolutely no assurance,

i must have clenched my teeth harder last night, it bled so much this morning.

This symptons is new, i haven seen something like this before, althought kristi reveal many times its very horrifying hearing the sound of my clenching teeth moving front and back non stop.

i dunno what hatred have i clocked up this time, this man is killing me slowly,

whenever we had a problem i can only choose to ignore it or confess,

he hasnt done his part in "realising" a problem has occured,

den when he was confronted, he kept his silence, occasionally calling out my name after which he kept his silence and stare at me

it is killing me inside, those call of desperacy yet the struggle to tell me in the face! my anger has reached a level i can describe except that whenever i explode it was really hard to bring myself back to normal again.

He puts the blame on himself, afterwhich it was a meaningless sorry that even he himself have no idea what it was for. At this point the only wise thing to do was to accept it.

I tot we were happy, he was always there for me, but when problem occurs i realise i swallow my pride and fucking shut up.

Today i was out of my mind, yet he din bring himself to ask me about it. I ignore him throughout the whole time he was in the shop, den when Pauline came all was well and i fake myself to lighten the atmosphere, of which he din help much, the journey home was good as i try to probe him into talking to me, yet when all was over and he still refuses to cooperate, i give up, i blew my top and really, really want to stay away from him.

Today Canele Saliken and Fireman wanted to ask me along with their gf for a supper cum talk, i was feeling so left out after his busy workload that i really wanted to agree. Pauline and Macho also agree to join us after work. Yet when i told him about it i was confronted with threat like how i am forcing him to accept that he cannot change my mind. i was filled with shame when i rejected the guys, god knows how many times already!~

Then i begin to ask myself why i choose to do all this? why had i let this man who cannot even speak for himself to control me? Why had i planned a good saturday to cheer us both up? Why had i insist on making things right?

Its cos i really see ourselves together for a long time, its because he use to be this super nice guy who appreciate doing every single thing with me, its because i din know in the past how he can keep everything to himself and make it super obvious that he was keepig it from me.

I really miss those time when we first started out together, obstacle full yet free from pressure, a underground excitement, the outing he use to plan all so well and organised, the constant smile on his face when he sees me, the "please" and "thank you" manner we communicate, the understanding him who doesnt see any fault with my friend and family, the him who always find it hard to get his hands off me. The way he confess how he like it when i bite my lip.

It has all be a past, the new rodman is a very different man that sees everything in a whole new light, he is currently searching for a space to call his own. i feel like a stranger who tries very hard to blend in with his environment.

Today i was so upset i scribble it somewhere on a piece of scrap how i was second priority, how he look so tired and sleepy and forced-to-act-ok front when he had to send me home after 11. He is tired and busy from his work, he is tide up with his oversea uni visa, he is upset he hasnt got a chance to go soccer cos he injured his foot.

i am but the gal he call when he is bored, whom he nag when he really wans to hit soccer and run, the girl he has responsible to ensure i am home, the girl he still has to bother with despite how work is cramping.

being left to feel like a burden makes me realise, at least i am still in his heart, somewhere.

its not that i wont wait, i will wait till he appreciates me again, but i still believe one should not wait till he loses something before cherishing it.

i wan to distance myself bit by bit, because this will lighten his burden and because i am hurting so badly being there yet not beingthe one.

Our smile, they seem to fade away

>\
each other time i long to see them again, i know it wont b the same.

What have i led to? Something i pray so hard not to happen

Time wont go back anymore, its up to me to change fate

Sorry Sweet Silly Stinky Sleepyhead

Back when u first sms me, the first invitation to meet up, i past the chance cos i din wan the unexpect to happen,

Later you invite me again for another meet up, i did so as an excuse to vent my frustuation on someone, for someone to nod their head in agreement

The first supper we had together, i was quiet, yet i broke it all up with a otah-lime juice joke, i wasnt sure if the feeling was right and i did what i did best, stay dumb and bimbotic as possible

The first time u wrote about me on ur blog, it was Cuz who encourage me to log in and that surprise sentence was something i never expected in life

The first time i tag in ur blog as someone else, i was feeling all guilty yet had to pretend like it had all not happen

Dear God,

the time is officially 2.25pm, i have chosen to abandon the last lecture on the topic as it is taking up too much time. i shall concentrate on the rest of the topic and pray hard it works tomorrow.

Please gimme the strength to wake up with energy tomorrow, not to faint while on my way to the toilet again, and hopefully, just hopefully, keep my mind awake throughout the dry 2 hrs.

I will have fun after this
(yeah right, provided i dun doze off immediately after the paper)

i will skip medicine intake tomorrow, the drowsiness effect is madness.

I will forgive my BB tmr for it is not his fault he cant fight through this battle with me, i am alone, and will survive it through. (but i am still mad!!!~)

Give me the strength to walk in the hall and come out with pride.

Throw my weakness aside and bring my courage inside...


i am sleepy.. yawnxxxxxx,

time check 2.29pm.. another last shot to go!!~

the first of the last time i wanna cry like i cried. The last of the first pain i experienced.

I though things were be as simple as a baby learning ballerina, i want to tk small steps in building a longer path, i want everything to work out as perfect as i can "perfect" it.

Living under someone else's roof, be it at "home" or "cuz home" feels different. It has been long since i felt like there was a place i could run to an cry my heart out, just like how i alway did after cramping it all inside. I will cry in silence, sometimes a little short of breathe, but each time i finish crying, the feeling, that bad aura around me disappear.

Little as a child, i felt the power of crying, that deep feeling all out together, those tear bringing away the pain little by little. Some form of crying are different from the rest. There are times i cry yet not finding it difficult to breathe, those are the time i just wish someone will agree with me, or when i feel like i wasw given unfair justice.

Then there were the type of cry i will gasp for air, cant hardly contain my voice, and when i cannot sneeze those mucus out, those were the times i feel so pain in the heart, i wish, just wish i could fall asleep deeper than anybody else could.

Sweet and i had a disagreement today, though it wasnt really a disagreement. It was more of me, throwing temper at myself, refusing to give in to myself. Despite our happiness first half of the day, i was rather disappointed at the other commitment he have and his anticipation to hurry time just so he can finally go for his soccer games.

We had tiny disagrement over his soccer game previously but i could see it in his eyes, his passion for the game. However, there are times when thing are so planned that u just really hope he plays along with it.

I have been away from "home" for the fifth day today, the loneliness i feel inside is hard to express into words, yet i know deep down under, even when i am "home", that feeling will also not be executed, for "home" is no longer a "home" with my space, my personal space.

When Dad called and asked how i am doing, i feel the stabbing pain in the chest, i was doing really fine yet i was alone. I couldnt feel like i was with someone, and despite Sweet's presence, and his constant attempt to fetch me to wherever i wanna go. Something is lacking and missing, yet we cannot tell and choose to ignore them.

Just last night i was about to go to bed and had a lttle usual chat with Cuz, i told her i wanna try to treat Sweet better cos i tink he put in a lot to this relationship, i wanted to wake up feeling like a different person who dares to express her love for her bf. I mst have been trying too hard, cos i end up feel so unappreciated, so much a burden. The movie wasnt to his liking yet he had to pretend he likes it by commenting on other stuff, we were at the mall trying to get his friend a present and i stupidly suggested going someone else to get it instead. All i can say is it was all pretty much screwed up and i feel no better than before, all about to burst into tears.

Which i did, it was cry of loneliness, of missin someone dear, of losing someone. The question was- who was i missing? who was i losing? i cant answer those question. There were sign of my paranoid, such as times when i begin to imagine how life is like if Sweet were to scream back at me one day, or if he choses to ignore me too, but no matter how i try to figure it out, there wasnt a solution.

I must have been under a lot of pressure, and the root to it include the desperation to be accepted, the anticipation to quicken thing up and the thought that i am going to lose someone.

Someone pls, help me like they never knew i wrote this, advice me like they never knew what i wanted.

Someone pls, accept me and agree with me. Tell me she understand and tell me its ok to cry.

This is the very first Chinese New Year that i am spending with Sweet, not only have i learnt alot about the Praying culture on this day, i also experience a brand new way of celebrating Lunar
New Year.


It all begin with an early morning praying visit to Bugis Street, the temple there is well known n i have personally been there a couple of times either to ask for blessing or to ask for advise. That day, we were there to help Sweet with some prayer for under his zodiac sign he was offending the God of Plague this year and in order to avoid being affected by this plague we have to pray for forgiveness at the start of the lunar year and also thank God for his forgiveness at the end of the lunar year. Sweet's Mum brought us to the second storey of a certain building where i was greeted with a very unusual sight, instead of the usual shophouses selling usual groceries, there was a red shop where lots of people were queing up to get a stack of joss paper. They were than told to wait by a row or chairs before being diret else where.

unlike the others, Sweet's Mum was familiar with the place and she knew where exactly to head to , therefore, under the request of the lady in charge, Sweet's mum direct a couple of people to pray at another area.

To cut it short, the prayer was held behind a red piece of cloth, so hidden that i cannot explain what i missed out. The only weird thing was that the whole event occur within a shopping complex.. Which was what i find interesting and hard to imagine, i bet without hint, no one can really imagine what the space was for and why so many people were queuing.

We proceed to get our lunch settle at a wanton mee store, seeing that i was particularly interested in the mixed pork soup, Sweet's mum told him to order a bowl so i could enjoy the "water" while they finish up the meat, it was a thoughtful suggestion since i never enjoyed and probably wont touched the meat. The simple meal was wonderful, we were not exactly full but had the energy to at least proceeded to our next location.

Sweet drive his Mum and me to Loyang Tua PeKong, the really fantastic thing about this place was that it was the same place Sweet had droven me to, on the night of New YEar, and we both had our first 2009 wishes done there. I can admit life has been pretty smooth till now so i trust this place with my most sincere heart.

Anyway the whole praying process was pretty easy, given the fact that the temple was extraordinarily thoughtful to provide us with steps to follow in order to pray perfectly. After we are done, Sweet's Mum "borowed" a bag of rice for their family while Sweet and i went around the temple viewing the different new year ornaments put up on this occasion.

We were about to leave when the "emcee" suddenly order us to all queue up for a token, it wasnt just a usual token, it was a token that signifies the year of Ox, which was Sweet's zodiac. There were also a ang pow with numbers on it. Sweet, me and his mum all queued up for it, thanking God for the chance to Huat.

Anyway Sweet tried out a new route KPE or KJE??? which i find interesting enough to take a few shots

To end this random post i will like to post up a pic of my beloved. Thanks for making my everyday wonderful.. muackz.

All this underlying meanings to life, all those coding people made behind their snirk remark.

Lately i have a strong feeling of tearing up pieces of my life, which will also mean losing important people that somehow matters to me at some important part of life.


I finally realise how the sentence when u find something precious you have to let go of the other.

I cannot figure out why sometimes i still cant let go of the past. If the past is meant to stay, life have to move on but that will takes me a bigger part of life into letting go.


I was caught up between so many stuff yet i have moved and come so far, now its time to face up the truth and shut up all the hell mouth, the stinky-worm infested mouths. Get a life bitches, i am no longer that sweet little peanut u ever thought i was.

On a lighter note, its time for yet another day of my birth. Thank God the process was done 22 years ago, i wouldn;t want to go on another round of SARS and friendly-betrayal. To begin with some new images of how far i have moved on......................



























































































































































I am turning 22. Its another year of admitting i should seriously stop taking ang pows. Looking back on my past, there really isnt nuttin much to complain nor change, knowing my personality i will very much be likely to fall back into those silly traps so why waste those effort going through it all over again.


however the idea of turning of turning 22 only meants a few important stuff in my life is beginning to take place. that also include:

- i should stop admitting my secret admiration for Hello Kitty

- Manicure and Pedicure are indeed compulsory, especially for Chinese New Year

- Gambling is the only way of life during Chinese New Year

- Ladies at 22 who talks about politics are updated, ladies at 22 who talks about celebrities are Bimbos

- porn are common and all men watch porn, so dun go eeeek knowing they do

- a big phone is good for cracking crab shell

- Friends are neither forever nor durable

- A better education goes a longer way than a low position job

- Admit i have a bf and make people who cares shuddup

- wear thong like eating breakfast and throw those nanny-pants away

Wishing for things that shall happen this year

- school fees stop being an issues
- Galfriend starts acting like normal human beings

- Get me my heart, no star, no what ever pendant

- Throw a SLR my way




i pray this year birthday i am looking better than before.. needless to say, lets all hope i keep smiling........

Baby and i are beginning our second part of the honey moon, i dunno how to explain this feeling but its feels different from yesterday, the week before?


Its like a new beginning, but even better.


Imagine i hadnt had any bad feelings all this 3 months with him, and then right after our 3rd month anniversary, Sweets and i had a little "discussion" (i prefer it to be called discussion) and despite having a perfect 3 months together, we are able to identify some tiny details that can add to making this relationship even more perfect.


Such as Sweet had promise me to take up the stronger role in the relationship and to demand certain things to be done when it is neccessarily. Also, he had understand how affected i could get when i read his blog and promise to make it less lenient.


Although i know that part of him wont go off so soon, somehow i suspect he will very likely to blog about the bad times and always skipping the goood times. He told me it serve as a reminder for him not to commit the same mistake to upset me again, but knowing that i will get very affected by the words he use to describe how it all begins (with my temper, follow by my tantrum). I've decided to give it another shot and if he still cant get rid of that instinct in him. Then maybe i will ignore that link for good. At least when we are still together. I dun wan each quarrel to contain details of how i tink he has misjudge me..


Also, if things continue to sulk, i will delete this blog.


But it aint gonna happen, for i can see how much effort he has put in today.


For a start, Sweet convince me to meetup right after my school for a short time together before i begin work. I have had intention to stay in Canele to study (but it was all worth it!!)


We had lunch-ner at one of my favourite eat-out. The open air dining area outside marina square food court. We are on Budget this month cos i've used up so much of Sweet's money, feeling kinda guilty, next month hopefully those debts could go off pretty soon.


We then shop around Marina Square for a while, Sweets try his luck on those toy-catching machine and we din manage to catch any. I had set my eye on the cute bear inside the Machine but i know chances are we wouldn;t have the skill to catch it. Other people catch it though, lucky girl (but i am luckier though i dun get it la)


Sweets is my best companion on shopping, for he never seems to lost his patient despite my continuous bugging about his opinion on things i probably wont buy. This is my first year using hard earn money to buy new year clothes so naturally i was feeling pretty excited about it. Sweets has got innovative ideas for me to keep my outfit low budget and still interesting. But my Silly Sweet is convinced he will get expensive stuff himself (judging from the beetle bug, pedro, Everbest shoes he is always eyeing at)


Anyway after a short session shopping together i was due to report for work, so in a rush we manage to reach my workplace on time, Sweets went home and i begin work.


After work he was super nice to offer to gimme a ride home. Sweet's mum and Dad were the sweetest people on earth, they not only allow him to travel to city just to send me home, they even help him pack supper for me..


i am blessed and rather spoiled. Hope such blessing last.


zzz.. promise Sweets to meet him in dreamland RodKris Ave.... Cheeros

Baby, baby, Sweets....


Reading each page of entry from those blog tears through my heart. i've to agree i get really affected by his words, yet undenially, its unavoidable and true.


When Sweet mention the re-enactment of the how i scream at him through the phone, i slap myself repeatedly on my mind. To be reminded of some unexpected stuff i've done allows me to see myself clearer and clearer each day.


Somehow, i am beginning to be convince there are times i am not myself, perhaps i have split personality.


Does it hurts? yes it does.


i am reminded each time i log in to those entry, the truth to that awful side of me. I know his action may be a warning for me to face up to my true self, but it still hurts to read through those line and then slap myself for doing something so hurtig to him.


Sweet is a emotional guy, he gets really hurt by me, i dun wan any part of him to change, but after all that we've been through, i am prepare to stay stronger than who i already am. For if my emotion are poured on him, i dunno how he can express it elsewhere other than to keep it within himself or write it out.


I hope he continues to pour his heart out on blog, but i fear each time i log in nuttin good comes out of it.


Seems like every single entry contain that bit of sadness.. i am making my love one miserable, who can be a better failure than me..


Maybe, just maybe, i shouldn't never have say it out.



confuse