RodKris

So in the end............. he din write it.


i am no longer the Kristal i tot i was... that one who back out when the other party says so.. i fight for my rights, but i have absolutely no assurance as to whatever i am doing.. not really sure if this time, he wont back out again..... if he does, i m too exhausted to win him back.


Like he mention, he tot love was simple, i guess mine was not... not to him and not to me. Right now he have yet to write me an assurance of whatever was going to happen if he backs out again, but all of a sudden i realise, when a person really wans to leave you... no amount of work can make him stay.. So why did the last time works? because perhaps i am trying that last bit of whatever faith i have in us.... and thank God it works.


This few days has been happy.... Bb and i work out a "me-time" package whereby he can spend more time with his friend while i seek my own program somewhere. As such, he was able to play his soccer fully and i could tell he was happy with those company he have gotten from his friend. inside my heart, i was very very console Bb was happy again, and truth has proven it was not because of me that makes him happy.


Why was i a willing party being the person who helps him happy? cos i know bb tries hard to make me happy too.. But no 2 person can make the other happy without sacrificing something that makes them sad by alittle. So if there are some thing i did that will make bb happy even though it was not me that he is happy about, i will still do it.


Clar ask me why Bb needs some time without me to make him happy? Isnt he afraid that he will regret missing out on this with me time when he goes to UK? i dunnoo.... i guess he just isnt feeling the sense of emptiness as much as i do, and perhaps he hasnt start feeling upset about leaving me soon..


i am feeling the emptiness each day. I have already decided not to msg Bb unless he msg me during his work time, and durin his "me-time". But during this period i feel so empty and lonely, and then i will imagin how many times worst it will get when i cannot SMS him anymore. i will imagine how sucky it feels to go home alone after work, to finish school without reportin to him. I feel so so so depress, but i brush all the thoughts away knowing he isnt feeling anything about it and perhaps i shouldnt too..


Our relationship can be consider stable now, Bb no longer holds me hand as often and i ask him why today, he told me i was tinking too much..... i am going crazy.. haha.. and i tink i am crazy..


Bb wrote on his blog how his family likes me around, the fact was that i like his family too.. but if Bb dun likes me... it wouldnt help having his family to likes me, cos ultimately it is him who decides whether we should be together.


I am feeling at disadvantage, i fear each moment he gets upset with me.. nowadays whenever he gets angry with me, i might quarrel with him a little and pray silently to God it will be over soon, cos i am scare he will mention those words again.


Bb says he is feeling really stress at work and no one understands him... slowly i begin to realise how much he tinks, or maybe i really am, not the best gf he can have..i cannot fit the criteria as an ideal gf, the kind all man wants and all woman aim to be.


The ideal girlfriend would be one who knows when to be understanding at the right time, who will silently help his bf forget his worries at work and make him happy and honour to be with her, she will be the ideal gf if her bf is scared of losing her..


I really learnt alot from this relationship, many of the stuff was learnt the hard way, the painful way...i dunno if i can ever become the good gf he wanted, or if i will change. i know its hard to lose this guy, but if the tot of him wanting to call it quit haunt me everyday... i really dunno what to do..


Bb still hasnt talk about it, like the good old times he has decided to behave as thou it din happen, i am really very very moody... by day i can still pretend, but by night when it was time for reflection, i realise the problem is still there...


there are definitely going to be more "me-time"... i hope i will get use to having a lesser piece of him.. otherwise without msging him at work and without feeling as though he is definitely mine... i think it wont be long before i scare him away..



haha.. irony, Yuan Lai there is no such thing as a Guardian Angel, Yuan Lai no one sends blessing from above, its all about giving in, taking lesser and giving more.. Yuan Lai feeling too serious about a relationship can be so tough...


Good night Bb... i still like u as ever..