RodKris

i am in pain, why does it starts to hurt. i tot this time it will be different.

He is the sweetest man on earth, but we have the deepest problem together.

Today i went paranoid, those torturing hours of him not contacting me

i feel like a second priority, like a part timer in on call basis

When he told me thereafter he was busy with work, it got me even angrier

what exactly was wrong with me? i am losing my mind, all i can remember is,

i cry, den i laugh den i cry again.

i must have been under alot of pressure, and sad to admit this relationship at this stage has only add on the weigh.

This morning i wake up with a mouthful of blood, i went to the toilet and spit them out but it was still bleeding, i was too restless to check the root of the bleeding,

Then when he msg me after so long saying he fell asleep which is why he haven reply me,

i feel blood running in my mouth again,

this time it still din stop. i went to the mirror and saw a very healthy teeth was bleeding profusely

it was the decaying tooth kind of bleeding, i was clenching my teeth too hard in anger that it bled.

Then i recall the sleep i had last night,

filled with tears and mucous, fear and absolutely no assurance,

i must have clenched my teeth harder last night, it bled so much this morning.

This symptons is new, i haven seen something like this before, althought kristi reveal many times its very horrifying hearing the sound of my clenching teeth moving front and back non stop.

i dunno what hatred have i clocked up this time, this man is killing me slowly,

whenever we had a problem i can only choose to ignore it or confess,

he hasnt done his part in "realising" a problem has occured,

den when he was confronted, he kept his silence, occasionally calling out my name after which he kept his silence and stare at me

it is killing me inside, those call of desperacy yet the struggle to tell me in the face! my anger has reached a level i can describe except that whenever i explode it was really hard to bring myself back to normal again.

He puts the blame on himself, afterwhich it was a meaningless sorry that even he himself have no idea what it was for. At this point the only wise thing to do was to accept it.

I tot we were happy, he was always there for me, but when problem occurs i realise i swallow my pride and fucking shut up.

Today i was out of my mind, yet he din bring himself to ask me about it. I ignore him throughout the whole time he was in the shop, den when Pauline came all was well and i fake myself to lighten the atmosphere, of which he din help much, the journey home was good as i try to probe him into talking to me, yet when all was over and he still refuses to cooperate, i give up, i blew my top and really, really want to stay away from him.

Today Canele Saliken and Fireman wanted to ask me along with their gf for a supper cum talk, i was feeling so left out after his busy workload that i really wanted to agree. Pauline and Macho also agree to join us after work. Yet when i told him about it i was confronted with threat like how i am forcing him to accept that he cannot change my mind. i was filled with shame when i rejected the guys, god knows how many times already!~

Then i begin to ask myself why i choose to do all this? why had i let this man who cannot even speak for himself to control me? Why had i planned a good saturday to cheer us both up? Why had i insist on making things right?

Its cos i really see ourselves together for a long time, its because he use to be this super nice guy who appreciate doing every single thing with me, its because i din know in the past how he can keep everything to himself and make it super obvious that he was keepig it from me.

I really miss those time when we first started out together, obstacle full yet free from pressure, a underground excitement, the outing he use to plan all so well and organised, the constant smile on his face when he sees me, the "please" and "thank you" manner we communicate, the understanding him who doesnt see any fault with my friend and family, the him who always find it hard to get his hands off me. The way he confess how he like it when i bite my lip.

It has all be a past, the new rodman is a very different man that sees everything in a whole new light, he is currently searching for a space to call his own. i feel like a stranger who tries very hard to blend in with his environment.

Today i was so upset i scribble it somewhere on a piece of scrap how i was second priority, how he look so tired and sleepy and forced-to-act-ok front when he had to send me home after 11. He is tired and busy from his work, he is tide up with his oversea uni visa, he is upset he hasnt got a chance to go soccer cos he injured his foot.

i am but the gal he call when he is bored, whom he nag when he really wans to hit soccer and run, the girl he has responsible to ensure i am home, the girl he still has to bother with despite how work is cramping.

being left to feel like a burden makes me realise, at least i am still in his heart, somewhere.

its not that i wont wait, i will wait till he appreciates me again, but i still believe one should not wait till he loses something before cherishing it.

i wan to distance myself bit by bit, because this will lighten his burden and because i am hurting so badly being there yet not beingthe one.