RodKris

Today's journey home was heavy, it was yet another day of heavy heart.


i refuse his request to walk me home, the look in his eye were obvious signs of tiredness, the silence we held throughout the train journey adds on to the akwardness. Like he said there was a big question mark between us.


Today i question my feelings for him yet again, the only answer that i had given myself remains the same - i am still crazily in love with this guy, yet why does the feeling feel different? The current feeling had a sour, bitter and strangely sad feeling added to it.


I was a mad dog today, i couldnt stop pestering him for a tiny bit of attention, i promise myself today will be different, i promise myself today i will show my strong side and leave him alone to get busy with his work. Yet i fail again, at 3pm i was bonkers, i was going crazy staring at the phone hoping it will rang.


It wasnt like this the previous times, there were so many evidence of him pestering me any time of the day, wanting that tiny bit of attention and we will exchange words of encouragement, then we will hang up the phone and perhaps drop another call again minutes later. i had always tot such action was the sweetest thing he had done, and its with this encouragement that keeps me going.


Today, he mention how much he seek my understanding that this time it was different and he was really busy, i knew deep down inside i wish i could leave him alone also, so why din i? i hated myself, the way he puts it, i knew it was all mu fault, my fault for wanting the past to re-enact it self, for him to see me the way he first do. But it was all in the past.. things cannot go back to the way it was.


The first month was unique, he had repeatedly make the effort to do things over and over again cos it matters and knowing this was the start, he wanted to make it perfect, i was referring to how he can walk over to my side and offer to open the door for me, make the effort to tell his mum what i did for him, how he sink into bed after msging me those sweet nothings, how he started his day msging me sweet nothings. Then when we meet he was the sweetest, grabbing my hands whenever he can, placing his hand on top of mine when he is driving.


Those tiny things he did, all made my heart melt. it seems like months have passed and he no longer felt some thing were worth doing. Even the act of holding my hands diminished, to him, i was like a burden he knew he had to carry... yet i want to hold on, cos i cannot let go yet.. cos i haven lose that feeling yet..


After knowing i wasn't attractive to him physically, i din know how to carry on presenting myself, i lost the interest in bothering to dress up, lost finding excuse to make him praise me. i feel very very ugly in front of him, despite him explaning why he stop attempting to held me tight like he use to, i was loss at what to do. For the first time in my life, i lose myself.


I feel so ugly, extremely unattractive in front of him, he told me he did not feel the threat when others make attempt to tackle me. althought he mention it was cos he was confident of himself, i felt i was more convince cos i am not worth it.


today i told him i will learn to tk this relationship less seroiusly, and he agrees to it, telling how apologetic he was that things hadnt change for the better and it was worst than the prevoius one. i was extremely heartbroken, mainly because i cannot believe how he could compare himself with that man, and how he mention he fail too. So i am the person who determine if my partner fail in a relationship? Or was it all me? Could all my ex-bf do better when they do not date me? Was he trying to hint me that i was too forceful in this relationship?


His silence overcome all the trauma we encounter today, and like him, i no longer want to solve it verbally, i have learnt from him that silence provide the best solution, all he did was look at me with that sadness i feel it. I feel guilt and apologetic.


I hate the way i am loving this guy, i really really miss those days....... why cant God give me a second chance and turn time back just 6 months ago? Why was i to face his business follow by his disappearance for 12 months at the same time knowing i was no longer attraction physically?


Tomorrow is finally April1st. this was the day i pray so long to come, yet when it finally draw near, i am wishing it will tk a longer time to come. Reason being because this has only proves his deterimination at work and it only shows when he has other commitment, i was to excuse myself. Thought after april 1st thing might get slightly better, i tremble with fear anticipating the next big project he might face, when i was to be pushed to one corner again.


i feel so lonely on a tuesday night, BB, if only i listen to my heart and love u lesser, maybe it wont feel so bad. Why did u mention u were upset to hear i was hurting myself? From your point of view i realise i was a scary gf who mutilate herself to gain attention, this is psychologically wrong and why is it that i dun remember myself reaching this extreme? What are u driving me at?
Or was i really sick in the head?