RodKris

the first of the last time i wanna cry like i cried. The last of the first pain i experienced.

I though things were be as simple as a baby learning ballerina, i want to tk small steps in building a longer path, i want everything to work out as perfect as i can "perfect" it.

Living under someone else's roof, be it at "home" or "cuz home" feels different. It has been long since i felt like there was a place i could run to an cry my heart out, just like how i alway did after cramping it all inside. I will cry in silence, sometimes a little short of breathe, but each time i finish crying, the feeling, that bad aura around me disappear.

Little as a child, i felt the power of crying, that deep feeling all out together, those tear bringing away the pain little by little. Some form of crying are different from the rest. There are times i cry yet not finding it difficult to breathe, those are the time i just wish someone will agree with me, or when i feel like i wasw given unfair justice.

Then there were the type of cry i will gasp for air, cant hardly contain my voice, and when i cannot sneeze those mucus out, those were the times i feel so pain in the heart, i wish, just wish i could fall asleep deeper than anybody else could.

Sweet and i had a disagreement today, though it wasnt really a disagreement. It was more of me, throwing temper at myself, refusing to give in to myself. Despite our happiness first half of the day, i was rather disappointed at the other commitment he have and his anticipation to hurry time just so he can finally go for his soccer games.

We had tiny disagrement over his soccer game previously but i could see it in his eyes, his passion for the game. However, there are times when thing are so planned that u just really hope he plays along with it.

I have been away from "home" for the fifth day today, the loneliness i feel inside is hard to express into words, yet i know deep down under, even when i am "home", that feeling will also not be executed, for "home" is no longer a "home" with my space, my personal space.

When Dad called and asked how i am doing, i feel the stabbing pain in the chest, i was doing really fine yet i was alone. I couldnt feel like i was with someone, and despite Sweet's presence, and his constant attempt to fetch me to wherever i wanna go. Something is lacking and missing, yet we cannot tell and choose to ignore them.

Just last night i was about to go to bed and had a lttle usual chat with Cuz, i told her i wanna try to treat Sweet better cos i tink he put in a lot to this relationship, i wanted to wake up feeling like a different person who dares to express her love for her bf. I mst have been trying too hard, cos i end up feel so unappreciated, so much a burden. The movie wasnt to his liking yet he had to pretend he likes it by commenting on other stuff, we were at the mall trying to get his friend a present and i stupidly suggested going someone else to get it instead. All i can say is it was all pretty much screwed up and i feel no better than before, all about to burst into tears.

Which i did, it was cry of loneliness, of missin someone dear, of losing someone. The question was- who was i missing? who was i losing? i cant answer those question. There were sign of my paranoid, such as times when i begin to imagine how life is like if Sweet were to scream back at me one day, or if he choses to ignore me too, but no matter how i try to figure it out, there wasnt a solution.

I must have been under a lot of pressure, and the root to it include the desperation to be accepted, the anticipation to quicken thing up and the thought that i am going to lose someone.

Someone pls, help me like they never knew i wrote this, advice me like they never knew what i wanted.

Someone pls, accept me and agree with me. Tell me she understand and tell me its ok to cry.