Laptop crashed on me.. lost all the very precious photo i took with bb.. cant believe it happen on a day where bb will still b away from me for the next 10 months... learnt many lesson the hard way- time to get a harddisk.. a mp4.. or any thing that might keep my memory in place..

i m adjusting well to life without bb for a while now..

times were certainly hard, i was promise a job but it din went well, i was poor for a while and had to stay at home, under the dispense of my parent who make me work for every scrimp of food i was offered, but nevertheless the experience was heartwarming, for i found a new meaning of stay in, the way those bank balance seems to remains stagnant seems fruitful. otherwise its down to dating friends that are willing to go through this -ve balance times with me.

All thanks to those who agree on dinner at hawker and those who can sneak some food for me..

been working back at TKSG for a while now.. the place is as fun as ever, glad those seniors are as hekpful as ever, allowing me to stay later for my OT pay.

A slight change hopefully for the better, bb sent me a sweet parcel all the way for newcastle for our first year anni, its a cute little cup, more like a "trophy" for me

" the winner of the world best Girlfriend award goes to.......................................... me!~"

me:" i will like to thank the bf for the nomineess.. pauline for casting me a vote, clarinda for casting me my next vote, vivien the third vote, sharon the forth vote, denise the fifth vote, raymond the sixth vote. and on top of all that. thank God no one else took part in this competition.. wahhaa"

the mug comes with the tee i bought for him out of randonness, it is also the tee i worn whenever i stayover at his place, first thing i did upon open the parcel was to smell the tee shirt, glad and proud to annouce to all - my bf can wash his laundry, it smell clean, of softener and feels like it has been washed with love. wahaha..

i know who will wear the apron around the house, my bf is a good chef, i can only use my mouth and put food together, he can cook them mind you!

ok.. rare boredomness..

gotta lose weight for BHP and to motivate Pau to lose weight, when clar is free, we will push her to train with us too..

happy.. =)

One year ago on this day about 11 hrs later, you first held my hand, the story has been retold and again umpteen times, starting from the time your bro ask us about it after a badminton game.

Like i nag, over and over again, i hate the location it was all set on, a local supermarket while i was finding your shaving cream. The rest was history and we were madly in love, trying to compromise and come to a good conclusion of just how to handle this relationship knowing you will soon leave for UK.

We had a few failure tries, u being the boss and calling the shot- failed.

Me throwing my temper whenever i dun get what i wan - failed.

We had to settle down with something not everyone can do, we have to trust each other.

this one year had been easy, smooth and never happier.

i often confided how life will be different if i hadnt made so many mistake in life, and was a smarter girl when it comes to relationship, you will put me off by asking me to focus on the future, i love you for that and appreciate you chose not to know about the past.

I never really talk about those days when i was at my darkest, living in fear of encounting a man i know is till behind bars, people of the same colour gives me the creep, those who talks in whispers scares the shit out of me, i din take life witj a stranger for 10 years.

Thou somethings remain the same, and i have no intention of moving on, i appreciate your companion and support, coupled with those of close friends, to move on this transit and to officially put the past behind me.

i love your family, they are full of vibes, i love the plush you bought me, we agreed on Domo cos it wasnt pleasant looking at first, but really good to take care of, never too white to be dirty, never too fragile to be broken, it was love at first sight.

It had a meaning when i adopt it, we name it Stinky cos it simply resembles Shit in Japan, like him, we both used to live in ugliness, having to face awful remark about our appearance, and having people failing to understand what lies deep down. I often complain how Stinky is too hard to hug at night, and miraculously, one day i held it tight and slept through the night, waking up to realise it wasnt really that bad.

Its as thou he wanted me to appreciate him and gave him a chance to prove his worthiness.

Bb,... i took care of stinky, he resembles you.......... he had a smiley face despite not closing his mouth, there were significant resemblance especially at his eye, it was so tiny i cant tell if he had open it........ haha..

Stinky misses his "daddy" ................... i do too.......................

as promise i will wait for my cartier, Tiff and terrace (wahaha_)

but above all, i look forward to another anniversary with you, and you had just told me it will be a better one cos u'll be with me.

Happy 1st Year anniversary bb............. you owe me 90 more, and i promise you another 70............. teehee...........

Muackz................... yours truly,
Sweet Silly Stinky "little" sleepyhead

20 min away from our first year of being together.

20 mins of anticipation.

bb is busy.............

Miss my stinky partner deeply on a lonely saturday. Happy birthday Singapore.

aint happy, miss bb, saturday sucks as usual.

i kinda miss the stupid things we did before, playing scissor paper stone, calling out his name and having him stop whatever he is doing and come right up to me before i told him i was calling his name for fun, agreed not to eat the next meal and den forgiving each other when we both broke the agreement, biting his arm and waiting for his ridicule expression, squeezing whatever little he has and making him worried over his weight. Forbidding him to bite his fingernails when he gets nervous.

i am obsess with thinking about him whenever i did not need to set my mind on doing something else, its strange to know that we are reaching our first year of being together. Like a neverending birthday excitement, i cant seem to put my mind off knowing how he had grab my hand while i was carefully finding the brand (Gillette in Green bottle cap) of shaver cream that he had insisted while we were in NTUC. 365 days later, we are still as happy as we were on the first day.

A pity this day was not celebrated together, had i been given the chance to celebrate this day with him, i would bake him a cake with chocolate topping (which i had imagine alot of times) and insist he brings me to Mount Faber like he did on my birthday, we would hug while we enjoy chatting with each other and i would make him finish up half the cake. Then i will drag him to a passport photo taking machine and fufil my dream of taking 6 nonsensical shots with him. den iw will stop planning cos with Bb, we will always come up with things to do..

hai, but this is all an imagination... looking on the bright side, i know bb will fufil this dream of mine if he was in singapore.

Happy 1 yr darling, i had written this in advance cos i am excited about this day. And i wan u to marry u soon.. wahaha... ( that was a silly agreement we often talk about;... )

i tot i am strong too..

i tot i can behave like a revengeful girl like i am suppose to be with my charateristics and start on a new plan to be defiant and do anything i shouldnt be doing.

But i end up crying, this is the 2nd time you have raise ur voice at me, 2nd time.

Dunno what i had done wrong.

Why cant u understand how painful it is for me behaving like nuttin has change and tinking, every second praying for time to pass sooner so i can see you again? The longing i had just to hold ur hand, the way you will wipe off my tears, grab my hands and tell me my palms are tiny.

I always publicise how i love you alot, cos i wan you to know i am not afraid to tell the whole world how i can see us both tgr if things work out.

I supported ur decision to put it all done and faithfully repeat in my head all the promise u gave me, i religiously follow all the rule u set even though you cannot see it.

Once you jokingly said something about me lying and i was very very affected, cos i did not lie to you and lie is the vital factor for alot of couple not to last, i wanted us to be differnet so i tried my very best to present to u only my best and hardly my worst.

it could be because u have seen this side of me, the emotional one that self inflict pain, which is why i secretly swear myself against using any future action that might proves vulgarities to you.

Once in my life, you gave up on me cos you din wan to save me from a man that was as bad as he can be, someone who could very possibly bring me to hell even before i could reach heaven.

second time in my life, i made a silly mistake by cursing u in a way i did to vent my frustration.

Both time u leave me and i had to work harder to make you come back.

for u i had change alot, i wanted u to see that side of me that will make u love me more. I work harder than i could cos i wan u to feel i was the correct person you should love.

But all these time, while blinded by my selfishness to make u mine, i had forgotten to give myself a break, and to remind myself i deserve some form of respect too..

i had never been shouted at for showing my concern.

i trusted u, 100% i swear to God i do trust you, but will u swear, for the same , that i did not trust you?

u told me to communicate and break down things so i dun bottom them up inside, told me to tell u in details what was to be done when things goes wrong. You verbally shouted, raising ur voice and telling me you are not God, and you wont know.

i went through a period of self reflection, despite disagreeing with you and trusting my point that it takes 2 hands to clap and not one to manover the other, i accept your stand and begin to break down in details how i tink u shud bt doing............. we had a great talk and i was happy you were my friend again.

and it had all gone well till the second time, this time, you raise ur voice and told me i had not trust u because if i do i wont get unhappy about u addin girls on facebook.

the truth is, like i had already explain, i trust you and wanted to, but a long distance relationship tks trust to nurture, you build ur trust on this side while i build mine.

i was mindful of whatever i did and tot it over carefully, i never fail to seek ur permission about things i tot would affect us, it was done out of respect cos you are my bf, i respect u and understand there are things you verbally said u are ok yet u will rather i not do. yet you gave me ur support, and this was the support that pushes me further into excelling waht ever i do, and that includes quitting a sucky job with pride.

i was uncomfortable about u making friends with girls outside, as much as i would like to trust you, i felt the correct thing u ought to do was to discuss it with me in advance, This should be done out of respect, not out of whether i trust u anot.

Have you ever wonder how strange it could be if i had never once complain about u making friends with girl, what if i had never once point out u seem to have new friends, would you change the story and accuse me of not payin attention to ur life.

Just like you, i am not God. I get upset cos i care about you and about us, i try my very best not to do things that could affect us, not at the slightest, not when u are overseas and we are lacking in that physical support. just like how i guided u step by step in cooking, understanding as a man you might not come across this experience in life and is taking a small step each time, i would expect u to understand how hard it is for a woman to be generous and share even a tiny portion of you with another girl.

i love you and i care, i tink for all that i have done, i dun deserve to be accuse by you,. for that i am at my outmost disappointment.

Life's a blast, i am jobless.
Super in love with the bf, super preoccupied with ICBS and ensuring sales are improving. Really wanna make this work cos it will be like a baby Pau and i are nurturing into a succesful adult..

Bb have been busy with school, unlike during work at Tonkin, when i am so busy i hardly have time to miss him, i find myself surrounded by images of him, missing his smell, hearing his laughter.

i heard a super good news yesterday, but my mind cant stop lying to myself, this is no longer a surprise but it was still really good news.

i have decided to dedicate my time into making LJ works, both BkHairpins n ICBS. i know Pau has tots about opting for a full time job already, but i have plans to see her next move, if she really wans to get a full time job soon, i'll start hunting for mine while still striving to keep the LJ goings. i wan it to work, no matter what, this will compensate all the lost time i chose to give up to get a decent job so it must work.

ranting and ranting...... boring and waiting for bb to spend some time talking to me before i head to bed, its down to JB tmr. Remeber Kristal, no splurge only smart buys... hehe

random shots down the block

nutin mch to blog.. miss sweet stinky sleepyhead -- wats new..

had the longest dream abt him yesterday.. hehe

quarrel with dad, feeling so alone now.


With him in uk, life seems so different. i had never quarrel with Dad but my flare today made him scream. I was crying the shit hell out of myself, screaming at him and sis. But it wasnt even their fault.


i hate this period, no one wans to trust me anymore, everyone doubts whatever i do. and when i need someone to reassure me, the ringing tone on the other line always ends up unanswered.


its not as if no one wants to hear it out, but more because i was more and more kept to myself as day goes by, i lose that bit of confident to express myself.


Why din i speak properly, i cant remember a single thing now, only regret how i scream at him. i hated him for not trusting me, why wait till now to show ur concern? waht difference does it makes with or without bb around? why was i deprive of my very last bit of trust? what did i do wrong?i really tot i earn that trust and that respect to be given the decision myself to made, about what time i should reach home and to whom i should hang out with. The him in the past wasnt like this, he would ask where i am and who i am hanging out with den ask me to be careful. Yet the him now scream throught the phone in a pled for me to report who i hang out with and why i aint home. Its barely 9pm and i feel so restricted.



Scolding at work, being push to reach an aimless target, calling up people and telling myself being scolded for being dumb was part and parcel of the job. i hate me now, i hate my decision to study, to work, to wait for bb to come back,hate my life, hate whatever i am doing now.



i hate being alone...... really hate being alone, i wish you will rush down and stop me from crying, to assure me dad was doing the right thing by being concern.



i hate that those tears seems to keep flowing down.... hate it

Early home-outing with pau again today. We are putting new goals to our lives each time we met, and this time, it was comedy concert at esplanade, brownies from posh! and mos burger! seems as though we will never really grew tired of meeting.


Bb's at school now, work sucks as usual, we lost the entire hardwork of database built since first day of work, the feelings is like finally accumulating enuff water to last a day at a desert den tripping over a stone and pouring away the water. Deadline remains the same, number of submission remains the same, only difference this time is we practically lost everything accumulated over the week, this sucks.


School sucks too, no one was really friendly and i was a mute for a whole 3 hrs. But after forcefully tinking of ways to look on the bright side, here's the excuse bb and i came up tgr


- At least even if i am suay i still has this wonderful bf
- At least i have a stable income now
- No attention no distraction
- i can imagine bb sitting besides me and i spend all the time i feel like a loner "writing" to bb, as thouh we are secretly chit-chatting
- no friends means no break chatting and munching, time to lose weight
- i can always dial my ICE number (In-Case-of-Emergency) -- Pauline Kang
- i can call Vivien and talk nonsence till she hangs up on me
- i can act chio and be dao n ppl wont gossip abt me.
- Bb has promise to fetch me home when he returns from UK


this shall accumlate to being happy as a part-time student.


wahaha... i told bb i stop dressing up, time to dress up again, in case when bb returns, he sees another Kristal, that of a old-haggard-auntie-looking gf, and he may still probably loves me, but i cant stand myself standing next to him..



bb and Pau... pls remind me to look good and take some picture of myself...




..... i am a loner..... Kristal the loner..... i cant tink of a cool name for a loner?





okok..... Kristal the incredibly-isolated


wahaha.. Pau will do the -.-" face soon

i have to blog about how lovely we can be, bb is the sweetest thing on earth, learning and willingly cook his own dinner, and breakfast all cos i ask him to do so.

really really very happy with our relatiponship, its another level higher and we are very certain of our feelings, its as though we both had a strange strong surge of feeling for each other and this time, our emotions are set free.

i am a little upset today, actually a lot upset, i really wanna see bb soon but work is piling and i cant simply leave right now reduce the annual leave by a huge number, i really wanna see my bb. The current invitation is really attractive, its such a disappoint to withdraw from the plan. Hate myself, hate my job, hate my bb doing alot of things for me yet i cant do the same to him.

Bb.. sorry........

I shall remember this day... forever....


Just melting inside, the words you said, those meaningless words yet it brings my life to a whole new level.


i kept thinking, smiling to myself the whole time at work,


rejection from others at work just dun really mean a thing, all i had in mind was how much forward i had taken, the step into opening that once hardened heart of yours


i felt like i did it!!! Like i was standing number one! on top of the world!


Promise me you mean what you say, cos right now thats all i really really need.







Like you, i never had this tingling feeling down my throat each time someone mention your name, and i can spends night talking away, if only someone will listen, just how special you are to me.

i emphasize you as my best friend, on top of my boyfriend, and right now we shall add on two status, the co-owner of stinky, our little precious responsibility(a.k.a our faeces plush-toy), and also the man who had officially added me into his agenda of "the future"

bb.. lets name it "Our Future".

Cos, like you, i FINALLY see my future, not just alone, but with you....





hugx. Mr Rodman the Crooked ****, cum Ahmad Ah-di!

This is super amazing,< br>

really feeling more and more guilty abt how much lesser i knew abt this guy,
< br>
i cant believe the King actually shocked me only after his dismissal, and thats probably how he came to convince everybody he uphold that faithful title of " the King of Pop"
< br>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOG8lwvVSmo
< br>
i smile to myself continously while watching this, i wonder why such performance can actually make someone smile, its the first time i froze to my skin while listening to MJ sings. and i highly recommend 2 titles that practically took my breath away. First of all being "heal the world" the song that i cried while listening during primary school days but never really putting much heart into understanding the meaning behind the songs, and the other being "you are not alone" cos it cames as a perfect song to console me at this period of time where bb is so far away..
< br>
thanks the King, you mk bb and my life so much comforting in this down period.
< br>
you'll be missed.

What is there to be blog when all are bad memories?

I am angry wit myself and awfully hate this relationship that has come to this stage. i have to keep accepting whatever reason that was created for not picking up my calls. Silently hide this awful fear inside about going home alone. Being strangely jealous that he gets all the good stuff and attention elsewhere, while i have to accept his every move.

I just wish i din die during this period cos by the time he would have found out i will have been cremated

i got myself settled down, after a bad fight with bb in the morning, and the only things that seems to help was perhaps this sudden surge when i saw the Michael Jackson soundtrack lying on the table in the shop, and since the usual Jay's Cd were missing and i am almost done wit some of my usual, i replace it with MJ song starting with my all time favourite of his -- "Heal the World"

And true enough, like how many others often describe how this King manage to unfluence alot of u, it wasnt till i listen carefully in his songs did i realise how some words come true to heart.

It was a bad morning cos bb surprise me with a call as soon as i reach my workplace, which was only 4am at his side, yet i was rather put down with he annouce he'll be out - again- for more of his touring around UK.

I got really devastated especially since we haven talk for a while now, and my definition of talk exclude those of " had you eaten?", i felt the strong bond we once held were decreasing each day as i seem to get lesser of him each day. Despite his words abt the special pplace i have in his heart, it was often not verify since he promises to call last night and despite me waiting up till abt 2 am, he did not call.

The same situation repeats itself now, he went out early morning promising to call me as and when he can, and i anticipate each call to come, only to find myself in dismay as he would have probably delay to the specific time we have agreed on - 8pm at night.

i dun understand how a guy cannot tink out of the box and understand it will do good to make the extra effort to call up his gf and check on her at times both had not agreed on.

And dun come blaming me that i did not take the initiative instead cos i did.

hai, dunno why i m frustrated over him today, in fact, i tink i dread next weekend to come cos he'll probably dumped me like he did this week.

Long distance relationship is so hard to maintain- especially wit a 7hrs difference, a within-the-box tinking bf, and his agenda full of places to visit.

=(

""""stop existing and start living"""" MJ

first week into Merlion! successfully build up a database from scratch, there were many rejection, but mostly was fine if i speed up my conversation, i can successfully say the following sentence and confirm all the information in less than 30 seconds.


"morning! i am calling from ~~~~, this is kristal speaking may i know who is that on the line... *pause for reply* could i please verify some information to update my company record? *pause for a "yes"* is your address ..... telephonenumber... fax number...... company official website to be.....is ..... your financial manager?.... does his contact number remains as ..... direct fax number to be.... e-mail address to be.... could there be other way i can get to perhaps his secretary?... that will be all, thank you sooooooo much for your time.. good bye...


wahahha.. try to do it as fast as me.... next step will be convincing them to listen to the proposal we have in hand, if its goes well they will pay $2000+++ for a course, our lawyer will conduct their workshop... all will be well, then we'll proceed with our next conference.. and the whole process repeats itself..

blah blah.. ranting on and on.. bb enjoying himself... we spoke last evening, last night, this morning, this evening... wahaha.. sticky le... \

muackx. for those jealous, WHATEVER/. for those with blessing... hehe.. thanks =)

its marks exactly one week since bb and i last spend time tgr, i miss him sooooooooo much.







bb going back to birmingham already, den he will have connection and we can skype a little more.







Both of us finally have calling cards, my calling card works by being cheaper if we talk longer and bb card charges per min, even a few seconds call are round up to 6 min. so whenever i randomly feel like i got to have a part of my sweet silly stinky sleepyhead, i'll call those golden numbers.









44-7**-7***-7**. i can totally remember that by heart already, this shows how much u matters to me bb..









had a long talk with Pau today abt life and bf, reflected on our behavior that may make us suck as gf, i got to improve on mine and Pau will continue on her journey to sourcing to the "final" good one that she can admit she wanna spend a longer time with.







i told my colleagues about bb today, they are suggesting who will be the bridesmaid and who will be the bridegroom if i married sweet silly stinky sleepyhead. haha...









Bb, do u know every one arounds me know about u, including those who have yet to see u.... cant wait for u to return home so i can round up all the new friends and proudly introduce you to them as my silly pok-pok...






Yawnx... its past 12am now.. probably 5pm at his side..

muackx bb... i miss u super-any-frangi-lipsticks-espli-any-lotion much.....



hugx for u and kiss on the forehead *muackx*

First quarrel since he left for uk, a complete different person in my eye. We had a small arguement, and instead of the usual talk-it-out till we are both ok, he hang up on me.



He started slanging his english, i was filled with disgust, what is with a guy flying off to uk for 365days yet 5 days into his uk journey he was like a completely different guy, losing that charm that had first made him attractive.



i am feeling so sensitive these days very irritating this days, he is travelling, exploring the new world he is in yet i am stuck in this lonely country, all the fears we talk about me losing him grow each and every day, and on the other end he is enjoying himself...



i am losing it, we haven had a trash talk since 5 days ago, bb is always outside i dun wan to talk heart-to-heart with him with his cousin around.




Bad things are happening around the house. People are leaving the house out of disagreement. i hate my life each and every day. hate the loneliness and the feeling of being abandon and not having the bb i use to know talk to me and console me.



as usual, my sadness are directly converting into hateness.

Miss bb today.. work was tired, we finally get our chance to call up company to update the company contact details so the marketing controller can starting to sell our product and gain sponsorship.

bb called me, he got a surprise for me, a gift or something, he claim that i will be very pleased. it will be pleased he could wrap himself in present and send a parcel over to my doorstep. i told bb i miss his hug so much, and we joke a little about punishing him.. but he reminded me all have to be accumulated till he returns.

Bb.. by then i wont blame u at all.. i just really need u around.. help u shave ur moustache, fold ur clothes, hang the clothes out to dry with you, go for breakfast with your mum, watch you cut your hair, choose your clothes for you, and basically just include u in every tiny details in my life.

hope tomorrow work wont be too stressing, thanks for your continue support, unlike others who despise my low pay for a beginner, you shown me a good start for a foundation will bring me to a better prospect later on.

bb.. miss u again,.. =(

i

Wuinuk day 3

i took this picture to remind

Bb how he had ignore me over his phone. but now, i rather stare at him play the phone then not seeing him at all..

Some silly games only Bb knows how to appreciate and who bothers to patiently plays with me until i win.

i miss bb.. day 1 at work, i miss bb voice today.

bb.. do you know today work is pretty ok, quite dry but managable, what is terrible is during lunch, we had lunch at 1-2pm which is 6am at your side till 7am. By the time i walk to the food court, 20 min is gone, then i have to find a table to sit down, i was told that tissue chopping seats culture is highly recognised there, that makes me feel really uncomfortable. So i have decided to have sandwich for lunch and pack light weight food so i wont feel so sleepy after a full meal.

There was a accident today, i was eating with my new colleagues and i heard a very very loud and terryifying scream, i turn and saw this mother who was carrying a baby girl who had fainted. She looks really terrified and i was damn freaked. Turns out the baby girl toe got stucked in the escalator and it got ripped off. i was sad when i learnt about it and her scream cant seems to get off my mind. Am gonna purchase newspaper tomorrow to see if she is in great danger.

feeling damn empty. its hard to even write in details my life today cos i am missing out one a very important part.

That of you and me..,.... bb... =(

Wuinuk- day 2
*wake up at 9.30
*lunch at 12.30
*tiny bite if stomach is irritating at 3pm
*dinner at 5pm or later if deem fit
*head home alone, with one damn heavy lappy and one big but good for nutting bag



i am feeling a little well today, cos bb called this afternoon, we had a short talk, short enough to call him perhaps 10bucks for the long distance call. He was lonely, n it got me really upset for a while, bt we were both glad there are good souls out there in uk, for he manage to view man-u league homeclub, survive the chilling cold and still save 3 pounds.



i am a little worried cos bb is still down with a fever, and i miss him madly. its like for once it din matter hw much the phone bill is gonna cost him, all we wanted was to talk to each other, hear that soothing voice from the other side.



Bb joke that he took Ryan Giggs photo, loads of them for me. so in order to show my appreciation i am going to work hard to update him abt my whereabouts. Sis was saying yesterday i should tk a pic of myself as often as possible so i can show bb how i look everyday.



i was browsing the phone earlier, and i send all the msg sent by bb, short or extremely long into a folder i name "precious". den i will re-read them over and over again, reminding me of the sweet times we shared, and also look forward till bb returns and msg me again.



did a little damage earlier and rip 100 bucks off my uni-savings to get me some decent clothing for work tmr, truly hoping the job tmr will suits me to the tip so i can survive this one year with pride.



i also send out a couple of invitation, its itchyybackside this sat with chi-pau-pau and one more meetings with black hairpins Phyllis-mee-pok nxt week.



oh i miss bb again.... =(

day one about to end since bb fly off for UK. he called me twice today. once to tell me he is waiting for the luggage at the luggage belt and the other time to apologise as Holiday Inn has no wireless access..

i miss my bb soooo much... i know bb miss me alot too... when he called me.. the tone he use is very faint. its like we both have soo much to say but in order to fight back those awful tears that will pour down if we get too emotional, our words spoken are hidden with meaning.

Its this period of time i finally found the words "i Love you very much" meaningful. i finally understand why he refuses to say it each time i say it back to him. i make it a point to remind him now and then how i felt and those words others deem mushy. But its only when i hear it through the receiver than i was thanking him in my heart how he avoided saying it, cos it make sense only when he meant it.

i feel so helpless.. lonely.. i ask pau today how i am going to go to work not hearing his voice? not hearing the same reminder to eat lunch, not having someone to sit beside me in the shop and talk to me, hate me, snare at me when i work. no one to guide the shop while i pee. most importantly, no one hug me when i feel down at school, at work, no one to kiss my forehead.

this is getting emotional, got to stop again..

bb.. first day and thank god everyone is here to support me.

i love you.... miss u soooooooooooooooo much

12 hrs into bb leaving for uk...

i am feeling lost... aimlessly pretending it was all ok....

telling ppl around me it din matter...

it does..

i dun need anything fanciful,

i dun need no money and cars,

i can use the bus i can walk miles and miles home,


all i ask for is to have u by my side, and nothing else ever matters.


i wanna hold those hand, all tough and vein,

i wanna loosen up those tight smile u've been faking all day



i wanna kiss ur forehead, tell u those unconditional words,

i wanna remind you how much i love you bb..




Each growing day marks one day down to having u away, i cant help but be reminded of those smile i will so missed,

yet i am never assured if u mean it, each time u look into my eye and smile and melt my heart.


i cant differentiate right from wrong, happy from sad, i cant tell if my bb has something to say yet absorb it all within himself for fear he will break my heart.


i tink this is hurting us both.. i really wish i was someone special to you, the one u make an exception and honestly shed those tear when u wan to and giggle when u see something funny.


i wanna tell u jokes, and if they aint funny, i wan u to tell me honestly.