RodKris

i tot i am strong too..

i tot i can behave like a revengeful girl like i am suppose to be with my charateristics and start on a new plan to be defiant and do anything i shouldnt be doing.

But i end up crying, this is the 2nd time you have raise ur voice at me, 2nd time.

Dunno what i had done wrong.

Why cant u understand how painful it is for me behaving like nuttin has change and tinking, every second praying for time to pass sooner so i can see you again? The longing i had just to hold ur hand, the way you will wipe off my tears, grab my hands and tell me my palms are tiny.

I always publicise how i love you alot, cos i wan you to know i am not afraid to tell the whole world how i can see us both tgr if things work out.

I supported ur decision to put it all done and faithfully repeat in my head all the promise u gave me, i religiously follow all the rule u set even though you cannot see it.

Once you jokingly said something about me lying and i was very very affected, cos i did not lie to you and lie is the vital factor for alot of couple not to last, i wanted us to be differnet so i tried my very best to present to u only my best and hardly my worst.

it could be because u have seen this side of me, the emotional one that self inflict pain, which is why i secretly swear myself against using any future action that might proves vulgarities to you.

Once in my life, you gave up on me cos you din wan to save me from a man that was as bad as he can be, someone who could very possibly bring me to hell even before i could reach heaven.

second time in my life, i made a silly mistake by cursing u in a way i did to vent my frustration.

Both time u leave me and i had to work harder to make you come back.

for u i had change alot, i wanted u to see that side of me that will make u love me more. I work harder than i could cos i wan u to feel i was the correct person you should love.

But all these time, while blinded by my selfishness to make u mine, i had forgotten to give myself a break, and to remind myself i deserve some form of respect too..

i had never been shouted at for showing my concern.

i trusted u, 100% i swear to God i do trust you, but will u swear, for the same , that i did not trust you?

u told me to communicate and break down things so i dun bottom them up inside, told me to tell u in details what was to be done when things goes wrong. You verbally shouted, raising ur voice and telling me you are not God, and you wont know.

i went through a period of self reflection, despite disagreeing with you and trusting my point that it takes 2 hands to clap and not one to manover the other, i accept your stand and begin to break down in details how i tink u shud bt doing............. we had a great talk and i was happy you were my friend again.

and it had all gone well till the second time, this time, you raise ur voice and told me i had not trust u because if i do i wont get unhappy about u addin girls on facebook.

the truth is, like i had already explain, i trust you and wanted to, but a long distance relationship tks trust to nurture, you build ur trust on this side while i build mine.

i was mindful of whatever i did and tot it over carefully, i never fail to seek ur permission about things i tot would affect us, it was done out of respect cos you are my bf, i respect u and understand there are things you verbally said u are ok yet u will rather i not do. yet you gave me ur support, and this was the support that pushes me further into excelling waht ever i do, and that includes quitting a sucky job with pride.

i was uncomfortable about u making friends with girls outside, as much as i would like to trust you, i felt the correct thing u ought to do was to discuss it with me in advance, This should be done out of respect, not out of whether i trust u anot.

Have you ever wonder how strange it could be if i had never once complain about u making friends with girl, what if i had never once point out u seem to have new friends, would you change the story and accuse me of not payin attention to ur life.

Just like you, i am not God. I get upset cos i care about you and about us, i try my very best not to do things that could affect us, not at the slightest, not when u are overseas and we are lacking in that physical support. just like how i guided u step by step in cooking, understanding as a man you might not come across this experience in life and is taking a small step each time, i would expect u to understand how hard it is for a woman to be generous and share even a tiny portion of you with another girl.

i love you and i care, i tink for all that i have done, i dun deserve to be accuse by you,. for that i am at my outmost disappointment.