What is there to be blog when all are bad memories?

I am angry wit myself and awfully hate this relationship that has come to this stage. i have to keep accepting whatever reason that was created for not picking up my calls. Silently hide this awful fear inside about going home alone. Being strangely jealous that he gets all the good stuff and attention elsewhere, while i have to accept his every move.

I just wish i din die during this period cos by the time he would have found out i will have been cremated

i got myself settled down, after a bad fight with bb in the morning, and the only things that seems to help was perhaps this sudden surge when i saw the Michael Jackson soundtrack lying on the table in the shop, and since the usual Jay's Cd were missing and i am almost done wit some of my usual, i replace it with MJ song starting with my all time favourite of his -- "Heal the World"

And true enough, like how many others often describe how this King manage to unfluence alot of u, it wasnt till i listen carefully in his songs did i realise how some words come true to heart.

It was a bad morning cos bb surprise me with a call as soon as i reach my workplace, which was only 4am at his side, yet i was rather put down with he annouce he'll be out - again- for more of his touring around UK.

I got really devastated especially since we haven talk for a while now, and my definition of talk exclude those of " had you eaten?", i felt the strong bond we once held were decreasing each day as i seem to get lesser of him each day. Despite his words abt the special pplace i have in his heart, it was often not verify since he promises to call last night and despite me waiting up till abt 2 am, he did not call.

The same situation repeats itself now, he went out early morning promising to call me as and when he can, and i anticipate each call to come, only to find myself in dismay as he would have probably delay to the specific time we have agreed on - 8pm at night.

i dun understand how a guy cannot tink out of the box and understand it will do good to make the extra effort to call up his gf and check on her at times both had not agreed on.

And dun come blaming me that i did not take the initiative instead cos i did.

hai, dunno why i m frustrated over him today, in fact, i tink i dread next weekend to come cos he'll probably dumped me like he did this week.

Long distance relationship is so hard to maintain- especially wit a 7hrs difference, a within-the-box tinking bf, and his agenda full of places to visit.

=(

""""stop existing and start living"""" MJ

first week into Merlion! successfully build up a database from scratch, there were many rejection, but mostly was fine if i speed up my conversation, i can successfully say the following sentence and confirm all the information in less than 30 seconds.


"morning! i am calling from ~~~~, this is kristal speaking may i know who is that on the line... *pause for reply* could i please verify some information to update my company record? *pause for a "yes"* is your address ..... telephonenumber... fax number...... company official website to be.....is ..... your financial manager?.... does his contact number remains as ..... direct fax number to be.... e-mail address to be.... could there be other way i can get to perhaps his secretary?... that will be all, thank you sooooooo much for your time.. good bye...


wahahha.. try to do it as fast as me.... next step will be convincing them to listen to the proposal we have in hand, if its goes well they will pay $2000+++ for a course, our lawyer will conduct their workshop... all will be well, then we'll proceed with our next conference.. and the whole process repeats itself..

blah blah.. ranting on and on.. bb enjoying himself... we spoke last evening, last night, this morning, this evening... wahaha.. sticky le... \

muackx. for those jealous, WHATEVER/. for those with blessing... hehe.. thanks =)

its marks exactly one week since bb and i last spend time tgr, i miss him sooooooooo much.







bb going back to birmingham already, den he will have connection and we can skype a little more.







Both of us finally have calling cards, my calling card works by being cheaper if we talk longer and bb card charges per min, even a few seconds call are round up to 6 min. so whenever i randomly feel like i got to have a part of my sweet silly stinky sleepyhead, i'll call those golden numbers.









44-7**-7***-7**. i can totally remember that by heart already, this shows how much u matters to me bb..









had a long talk with Pau today abt life and bf, reflected on our behavior that may make us suck as gf, i got to improve on mine and Pau will continue on her journey to sourcing to the "final" good one that she can admit she wanna spend a longer time with.







i told my colleagues about bb today, they are suggesting who will be the bridesmaid and who will be the bridegroom if i married sweet silly stinky sleepyhead. haha...









Bb, do u know every one arounds me know about u, including those who have yet to see u.... cant wait for u to return home so i can round up all the new friends and proudly introduce you to them as my silly pok-pok...






Yawnx... its past 12am now.. probably 5pm at his side..

muackx bb... i miss u super-any-frangi-lipsticks-espli-any-lotion much.....



hugx for u and kiss on the forehead *muackx*

First quarrel since he left for uk, a complete different person in my eye. We had a small arguement, and instead of the usual talk-it-out till we are both ok, he hang up on me.



He started slanging his english, i was filled with disgust, what is with a guy flying off to uk for 365days yet 5 days into his uk journey he was like a completely different guy, losing that charm that had first made him attractive.



i am feeling so sensitive these days very irritating this days, he is travelling, exploring the new world he is in yet i am stuck in this lonely country, all the fears we talk about me losing him grow each and every day, and on the other end he is enjoying himself...



i am losing it, we haven had a trash talk since 5 days ago, bb is always outside i dun wan to talk heart-to-heart with him with his cousin around.




Bad things are happening around the house. People are leaving the house out of disagreement. i hate my life each and every day. hate the loneliness and the feeling of being abandon and not having the bb i use to know talk to me and console me.



as usual, my sadness are directly converting into hateness.

Miss bb today.. work was tired, we finally get our chance to call up company to update the company contact details so the marketing controller can starting to sell our product and gain sponsorship.

bb called me, he got a surprise for me, a gift or something, he claim that i will be very pleased. it will be pleased he could wrap himself in present and send a parcel over to my doorstep. i told bb i miss his hug so much, and we joke a little about punishing him.. but he reminded me all have to be accumulated till he returns.

Bb.. by then i wont blame u at all.. i just really need u around.. help u shave ur moustache, fold ur clothes, hang the clothes out to dry with you, go for breakfast with your mum, watch you cut your hair, choose your clothes for you, and basically just include u in every tiny details in my life.

hope tomorrow work wont be too stressing, thanks for your continue support, unlike others who despise my low pay for a beginner, you shown me a good start for a foundation will bring me to a better prospect later on.

bb.. miss u again,.. =(

i

Wuinuk day 3

i took this picture to remind

Bb how he had ignore me over his phone. but now, i rather stare at him play the phone then not seeing him at all..

Some silly games only Bb knows how to appreciate and who bothers to patiently plays with me until i win.

i miss bb.. day 1 at work, i miss bb voice today.

bb.. do you know today work is pretty ok, quite dry but managable, what is terrible is during lunch, we had lunch at 1-2pm which is 6am at your side till 7am. By the time i walk to the food court, 20 min is gone, then i have to find a table to sit down, i was told that tissue chopping seats culture is highly recognised there, that makes me feel really uncomfortable. So i have decided to have sandwich for lunch and pack light weight food so i wont feel so sleepy after a full meal.

There was a accident today, i was eating with my new colleagues and i heard a very very loud and terryifying scream, i turn and saw this mother who was carrying a baby girl who had fainted. She looks really terrified and i was damn freaked. Turns out the baby girl toe got stucked in the escalator and it got ripped off. i was sad when i learnt about it and her scream cant seems to get off my mind. Am gonna purchase newspaper tomorrow to see if she is in great danger.

feeling damn empty. its hard to even write in details my life today cos i am missing out one a very important part.

That of you and me..,.... bb... =(

Wuinuk- day 2
*wake up at 9.30
*lunch at 12.30
*tiny bite if stomach is irritating at 3pm
*dinner at 5pm or later if deem fit
*head home alone, with one damn heavy lappy and one big but good for nutting bag



i am feeling a little well today, cos bb called this afternoon, we had a short talk, short enough to call him perhaps 10bucks for the long distance call. He was lonely, n it got me really upset for a while, bt we were both glad there are good souls out there in uk, for he manage to view man-u league homeclub, survive the chilling cold and still save 3 pounds.



i am a little worried cos bb is still down with a fever, and i miss him madly. its like for once it din matter hw much the phone bill is gonna cost him, all we wanted was to talk to each other, hear that soothing voice from the other side.



Bb joke that he took Ryan Giggs photo, loads of them for me. so in order to show my appreciation i am going to work hard to update him abt my whereabouts. Sis was saying yesterday i should tk a pic of myself as often as possible so i can show bb how i look everyday.



i was browsing the phone earlier, and i send all the msg sent by bb, short or extremely long into a folder i name "precious". den i will re-read them over and over again, reminding me of the sweet times we shared, and also look forward till bb returns and msg me again.



did a little damage earlier and rip 100 bucks off my uni-savings to get me some decent clothing for work tmr, truly hoping the job tmr will suits me to the tip so i can survive this one year with pride.



i also send out a couple of invitation, its itchyybackside this sat with chi-pau-pau and one more meetings with black hairpins Phyllis-mee-pok nxt week.



oh i miss bb again.... =(

day one about to end since bb fly off for UK. he called me twice today. once to tell me he is waiting for the luggage at the luggage belt and the other time to apologise as Holiday Inn has no wireless access..

i miss my bb soooo much... i know bb miss me alot too... when he called me.. the tone he use is very faint. its like we both have soo much to say but in order to fight back those awful tears that will pour down if we get too emotional, our words spoken are hidden with meaning.

Its this period of time i finally found the words "i Love you very much" meaningful. i finally understand why he refuses to say it each time i say it back to him. i make it a point to remind him now and then how i felt and those words others deem mushy. But its only when i hear it through the receiver than i was thanking him in my heart how he avoided saying it, cos it make sense only when he meant it.

i feel so helpless.. lonely.. i ask pau today how i am going to go to work not hearing his voice? not hearing the same reminder to eat lunch, not having someone to sit beside me in the shop and talk to me, hate me, snare at me when i work. no one to guide the shop while i pee. most importantly, no one hug me when i feel down at school, at work, no one to kiss my forehead.

this is getting emotional, got to stop again..

bb.. first day and thank god everyone is here to support me.

i love you.... miss u soooooooooooooooo much

12 hrs into bb leaving for uk...

i am feeling lost... aimlessly pretending it was all ok....

telling ppl around me it din matter...

it does..

i dun need anything fanciful,

i dun need no money and cars,

i can use the bus i can walk miles and miles home,


all i ask for is to have u by my side, and nothing else ever matters.


i wanna hold those hand, all tough and vein,

i wanna loosen up those tight smile u've been faking all day



i wanna kiss ur forehead, tell u those unconditional words,

i wanna remind you how much i love you bb..




Each growing day marks one day down to having u away, i cant help but be reminded of those smile i will so missed,

yet i am never assured if u mean it, each time u look into my eye and smile and melt my heart.


i cant differentiate right from wrong, happy from sad, i cant tell if my bb has something to say yet absorb it all within himself for fear he will break my heart.


i tink this is hurting us both.. i really wish i was someone special to you, the one u make an exception and honestly shed those tear when u wan to and giggle when u see something funny.


i wanna tell u jokes, and if they aint funny, i wan u to tell me honestly.

i gues i am going crazy loving someone..


wish i could give lesser.... to be jealous over even someone so dear makes myself puke at my own behaviour...


its just a pain in the ass knowing all the things u have done for him, and while u are at life toughest stages where u are losing everything, losing sleep, losing faith, losing appetite... it irks u to know how much the person u so wish had gone through this with you is shopping with his friend, his cousin.


its not who he ends up going out with, its him going out that sets u off like a mad old hag.

Its not who he ends up going out with, its how he always got himself busy with so many other things except to sit down and go through everything with you.


My sympton of pressure has been showing, i wish i had not put so much reliance on him, cos right now that load weighing me down double..


ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

missing.... you

This is a story of a girl who lives up the hill
this girl once dream of leaving the small town to find a man of her dream

Then one day the girl found, a precious rare find,
he was a guy from down the hill, a hunter well defined
he hunt his way up the forest every fortnightly,
till one day he saw her, her long skirt sashaying,
he offer his help and they became friend
what started out as friend eventually turned romance

one day the buy confess, his feelings for her,
he did so by curving the initial of that girl
the girl would never know, cos the feelings never show.
the guy din admit it, just more than friends or so

many years to come, one day the boy stop showing
the girl waited under the tree, same time, pondering
she din know why, yet she din want to ask
for reality was cruel, something just dun last.

and then i stop composing... some story comes with a sad ending, i learnt today some things aint always how fantasy turns out to be, something are made the way it is as it creates that illusion and encourage us to grow up.

yet when we do grow up, reality sink in, many things are done against our free will, irregardless of our feelings.

we begin to socialise into the human being we were made to be, conform to the values and norms that is attached to a group or role in which we participate in ( this are straight out from my sociology paper taken hrs ago)

i feel like a selfish person whenever i do things that upset others, yet i feel so sorry for myself if i live in a misery that ultimately declare my life.

i know letting go now proves a better future, yet i am holding on to this thing so tight, and this thing is feelin suffocated.

gosh,, i m messing up even my own life.. i cant seem to follow what my heart is thinking, thus the garbage words u see here..

get a life Kristal

7.40 pm

I CAUGHT A LIZARD ON MY LIZAD TRAP!!!~

geez... no idea how i can get so excited over catching lizard, perhaps its cos i cant sleep at night tinking about them crawling all over me?


Cuz hse is like living in a jingle, except worst ( buts its super comfy u cant help it)


i had this awful video of both of us screaming and shouting at the GECKO we were meant to kill, seriously!~?~ Gecko, not lizard but GECKO.. that freakier kind of lizard that hops around and jump.. Which lizard jumps? Gecko lor..


Grrrrr. i m having goosebump all over tinking about the gecko.. its me alone at home now n i am waitin patiently for the cousin to bump her add back and struggle pushing the lizard trap back into the room i am bunking now.. cos i suspect there are more lizard there, except smarte..


The lizard at cuz room are dumb.. i deliberately place the trap there cos i saw the lizrd head peeking out earlier.. din knw it was as stupid as i tot.. it went straight on to the sticky pad..


so why isnt the gecko in my bunking room caught yet?


in any case i am thankful tonight sleep shall prove to be a better one cos its one enemy down.. though there are MORE to go..

=)











































Hopping around in Ah Pins Road!!! Bb's new attempt to cheer me up!!!! i am so in love!!!!

haha.. he will be sending me my dinner, specially delivered to my doorstep and i dun have to pay some more.. !! even monkey is happy.!!!

Bb..

75.58 min into the game, Fletcher kena a red card and was out, V.Persie got a free kick and that was how Arsenal score 1 point... loser.... -.-"


My idol Giggs tried to talk referee (Roberto) into lighting the sentence but the referee says no..


77.29 into the game.. V.Persie got slap in the face and is bleeding from the mouth. He was replace by Vela...


Adebayor kick carrick in the leg, suppose to be a red card but never.... (referee Ka-you)


85,40 into the game, Park kena push and got a chance to score, Ronaldo kick the ball but it "almost" went in only.


87.28 into the game, Ronaldo kena kick in the chest, gets a chance to score, but it was super far from the goal post.


Game ends.. Man u 3- 1 Arsenal...


Final is Chelsea and Barcelona? (or at least that was what i heard)....

i wonder why i always end up being the bad person


L.T.A Rodman:
sorry
its my fault
sorry


L.T.A Rodman just sent you a nudge.


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
yeah
i told u i understand le
u talking to ur bro
i neever say anything else what
u wan i just let u talk to him la
why say until like i am angry cos u are busy


L.T.A Rodman says:
cause u say ur cousin is back and tell me go telk to him
this sound like u are angry


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i admit i was a little
afterall u finish ur soccer till then we din have a chance to talk
u are either stuck with this or have that
i dunno how to stay uunderstanding
sorry


L.T.A Rodman says:
sorry
there is only one me
sorry


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i know/
i know there is only one u
just seem like u dun appreciate me
me accompany u to soccwer
ask u go to socce
watch man u
u got Ot we dun meet
all that and i m still me
everything is abt u
only one u
i wish i can split u up too
i wish u can split me up so in my life i dun revolve only around u
i wish i can leave u behind and play thing such as soccer too
its just tat
i only have u
yet u have many other people
i feel like i only owe that small part of u


L.T.A Rodman says:
once I have free time I call u
if can I go meet u
everything I did also for u
u dun like me to go soccer
I told u I can quit
I can dun plat
play
whatever u wan, I will try my very best to make it the best


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
... .. u make me feel like a selfish person again


L.T.A Rodman says:
whenever we are together

Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
its ok
stop saying anything now
i dun wan to argue
i am sorry its all my falt
*fault


L.T.A Rodman says:
I try to make u happy always


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
good nigh.. i am loggin off


L.T.A Rodman says:
u are not selfish
bb
I know u wan to spend time with me!
I also wan


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i guess its better that i dun


L.T.A Rodman says:
dun say till I dun appreciate u
cause the fact is I DO


Selling top in the display pic and looking for part timers, please PM me. says:
i dun wan to argue anymore
u do
ok

I Blog is a mean-pok, Bb would have agree with me to give it "2-pinkie" slap.

The pictures above are taken when Pau, clar join me and we became the "pon-pon girls" for the night.. In the picture we are short of Macho, then u'll be able to tell who was "matched" to who.
Above all, that night was still memorable... glad the girls make perfect company, it was hell of a way to destress myself.. feeling way cool..

Today was a full day of anger.. however, i am really glad Bb has seen worst and was the kindest thing on earth to understand me. Unlike the past quarrel we had, nowadays we choose to forget things that will upset us. Bb did you realise that after the last time you chooses to give up cos of my temper, i have changed alot?

I am still adapting to this new me, which was agood change cos at times i feel less heavy. Perhaps i really dun wan to go through the same procedure twice and perhaps i just cannot afford to lose my Bb.. i am trying my best to stay alive and be that "some thing just aint worth being angry about" atitude.

Studying.. studying.. studying..

pretending to be studying... pretending to be studying...

My Bb says i can tk a rest after all the studies today.. he is super nice and helps me plan my schedule well.. Thanks Love.. dunno what to do without you,.., muackz.

Everyone is cancelling their trip overseas., this is really scary, as much as i wanna go to Thailand, i am worried about the condition there at this time, especially at times like this where the chaotic riot over Thaksin has just been settle and here comes another big issues.. i sure hope BKK is coping with this well.. on the other hand, i am not sure if Singapore is coping it well enough for us to leave the country. In any case, the main thing tat really matters now is to spend ample quality time with Bb before he leaves for Uk..

i am counting days yet not lookng forward to it.. everyday is a scary day.. i wish Bb wont leave yet wish Bb will leave.. argh.. the confusion inside..

Bb discuss me today publicizing his blog again, and i am fully supportive of it. i reckon since Bb is leaving for Uk soon, it will be good to make use of the blog to keep in contact with his friends and family. Only setback is that we probably wont have the private msg we use to have (as in still have now la)

Bb also admit that he cant mushy talk me like how we use to openly do,.. but i guess its all down to e-mail now.. Just really hope in his heart i have a special place. Cos there is a selfish part of me beneath it all that refuses to share Bb with anyone else. That included EVERYONE that is important to him. Cos i wan some pat of him ALL to myself.. even if its just a little.

Oh sigh.. this entry is makingg me all emotional, thinking about how life will be without him.. shall stop here..

Watch the bf played soccer today, what was different from the other days was that i was accompanied by my angels (Pau and Clar).


We were the pon pon girls today, each of us cheering for a guy (clar exception). Bb says he played pretty badly but i was actually impressed, at least for one thing i know, i see him drilling the ball pretty much, this was unlucky the case as usually the position he took are blocked from his opponent and many times of supporting him play i was actually impressed this time he was at the right position and the goalkeeper seize the chance to pass him the ball.


Pau and Clar keep me really companied, usually i would have spend the time revising my paper, but this time however it was hard especially since the match was pretty exciting. I am glad to say the coordination of Lao Zhang, Lao wang, Lao Choo, Macho and Bb were great, it was a good passing the ball from one teammate to another.


initially i had doubts if Macho will feel left out, i guess it was a good move to impress the guys with a heartwarming name like "Rich" to introduce him.. Afterall, what could one not mention about someone with a name call Rich. The girls and i went out for a while during the guys' important match, heard from Macho that Bb almost had a collision with this guy. I believe my bb is a man of patience, so it must have been the other opponent underlying means that pisses my bb off.. Well, in my opinion, he deserve it. No one pisses my bb that badly except me, but bb will never hit me.. He wouldnt even sacrifice biting me whenever i sink my teeth into his flesh, which is super often cos i really love biting my bb.


Had a great lunch at Bb's aunty's hse and we played nintendo Wii.. only setback was when his Aunty mention about asking Bb to leave for Uk earlier, that would also means me seeing lesser of him for a longer time. From the end of my paper till June 20th, that will makes me spending less than a month time with Bb before he leaves for UK. Although, like many other relationship, this was a short Long-distance one. But i had all the regrets in the world for not being able to spend the time with him.


Nowadays i get really emotional, cos time is passing by really quickly and on one hand i really wish for the exam to finish soon, on the other hand i am fearing each passing day marking one day down before my bb leaves for a long trip.


I have send enough request to my important friend about keeping me company when bb is gone, afterall, it's only for one year, 365 days, 12 months and almost 48 weeks before i see him again. So whether its 10 days lesser or more, that difference wouldnt mind.


Enough emotions about his departure. I shall count my blessing and be thankful for yet another day of bb being with me. We slept in the afternoon at his room with his sister and her bf.. it was a tired afternoon and his bed is super comfy. Bb arm was around me and it din take me very long before i fell into a deep sleep, i knew it was deep cause after all this years, this was the first time (after a long time) that i drool while sleeping, i woke up with saliva on Bb arm (hehe)..


we also spend aimless hours on bed after we woke up talking about stupid jokes and playin on the psp.. afterwhich he went off to send his parent back from the auntie place.. it was a worthwhile labour day spend with my bb.


i miss you already.... wanna take more picture of us..

Today was another silly day at work, i really hate working and am super glad my bb decides to accompany me while i rot myself at work.


Revision, as usual was nothing smooth, i proudly declare today i've cover just how much i've cover yesterday night, and the final rundown with Bb wasnt perfect for halfway through, i totaly give up.


The interesting part came while bb was sending me home, we had our usual prank.
For some reason Bb and i are addicted to this silly game that even a 3 yr old can master - scissor paper stone. Yet, often our punishment for the loser (usually the one that lost 3 rounds) are scary, inclusive of pinching and mostly its biting.


I like to bite my bb, his flesh are chewy... haha.. kidding la, bb flesh are tone so when u sink ur teeth into those skin its as though u are chewing on ur eraser! Yet what i really enjoy doing was seeing his pitiful face whenever i bite him, sometimes i overdo it and he will scream in pain, other times he will attempt to bite me back. Its really interesting to play this silly game over and over agian yet never feeling bored.






















After Bb sent me back to Cuz i was told to put the plastic of trash into the big garbage bin outside the mansion, so i hurried my footstep hoping to call out to Bb and surprise him. When my short legs finally get to him i sudden freeze, for the first time since dated this silly guy i was observing the way he walk, really focusing on the shadow and his back.
Then i tink to myself " haha.. such squeezable ass! Sexy!"


Its nice to slow down in life all of a sudden and observe the people that are closest to you in a way you have never. I begin to count my blessing and was Thanking whoever brought us together, for sending me a special guy that keep so quiet whenever he gets mad at me, and constantly pretend to choke me when i was all that mischievous. Deep down inside i always knew, the chance was a rare one and one that might one day slip away, but as long as i can keep him by my side for at least one more day, i hope it will be the moment both of us can remember.


Thanks and Loving you Stinky,... cant wait to go BKK with you and ur part time gf

Franting....

no for the exam but for the feeling on being "on-the-run"

This is by far the most straining exam i've been on, mainly because i need to stay away from home, refrain from studying with distraction and travel all the way to expo for the exam.

i feel so tired already, only console are the encouragement from my close one. Pau has agreed to spare me a land (2m by 2m) in her room for me to study straight, and before that its off to Viv hse (she has to leave on the 15th... the day of my worst paper, Economics)

Bb has also promise me a really relaxing trip to thailand straight after my paper, so for some reason i encourage myself that the struggle was worth it. I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest with Bb and his family and part time gf.

This is only the first year at school.. i am franting abt my next year in school... by then bb will be in UK and no one will promise me anything after my paper.

Bb,, u got to plan ahead for my exam in 2010 and 2011 ok? probably send me a parcel of goodies that will reach me on the last day of my paper. I suddenly got an idea to maybe suggest to my brother (who by than has a hse of his own) to rent a room to me for the studying period, with exception to their dog, Hori, i shall be safe from any risk..

the trip the trip the trip... i wan the trip now...

i wan to earn alot of money and quickly stop worrying abt the school fees..

i wan to fly to UK with bb....

i wan to finish this degree with good grades.,,.,

there are so many things i really wanna do now... but they are all on hold..

there is one important things to do now, to erase all the bad tots from my mind,

to stop feeling like a runaway trying to find a shelter, i am not that bad yet.....

i wan may 21st to come sooner....

8th month and couting with the silly boy.. he made my day and many things have changed, be it good or bad, all i know is i am thankful for each day we are together.

Staying at Cuz for the moment, everything is chaotic now, i've got alot of things on the agenda, trip to bangkok, exam to pass, resume sent to Citibank.. All i really want now is to finish the exam, get it over and done with and spend all the time in the world with my pokpok till he leaves for uk.

i haven got much to write cos i if i do every thing will be repeated, like how i am doing the same stuff over and over again like a cycle.

rrrraaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh///

So in the end............. he din write it.


i am no longer the Kristal i tot i was... that one who back out when the other party says so.. i fight for my rights, but i have absolutely no assurance as to whatever i am doing.. not really sure if this time, he wont back out again..... if he does, i m too exhausted to win him back.


Like he mention, he tot love was simple, i guess mine was not... not to him and not to me. Right now he have yet to write me an assurance of whatever was going to happen if he backs out again, but all of a sudden i realise, when a person really wans to leave you... no amount of work can make him stay.. So why did the last time works? because perhaps i am trying that last bit of whatever faith i have in us.... and thank God it works.


This few days has been happy.... Bb and i work out a "me-time" package whereby he can spend more time with his friend while i seek my own program somewhere. As such, he was able to play his soccer fully and i could tell he was happy with those company he have gotten from his friend. inside my heart, i was very very console Bb was happy again, and truth has proven it was not because of me that makes him happy.


Why was i a willing party being the person who helps him happy? cos i know bb tries hard to make me happy too.. But no 2 person can make the other happy without sacrificing something that makes them sad by alittle. So if there are some thing i did that will make bb happy even though it was not me that he is happy about, i will still do it.


Clar ask me why Bb needs some time without me to make him happy? Isnt he afraid that he will regret missing out on this with me time when he goes to UK? i dunnoo.... i guess he just isnt feeling the sense of emptiness as much as i do, and perhaps he hasnt start feeling upset about leaving me soon..


i am feeling the emptiness each day. I have already decided not to msg Bb unless he msg me during his work time, and durin his "me-time". But during this period i feel so empty and lonely, and then i will imagin how many times worst it will get when i cannot SMS him anymore. i will imagine how sucky it feels to go home alone after work, to finish school without reportin to him. I feel so so so depress, but i brush all the thoughts away knowing he isnt feeling anything about it and perhaps i shouldnt too..


Our relationship can be consider stable now, Bb no longer holds me hand as often and i ask him why today, he told me i was tinking too much..... i am going crazy.. haha.. and i tink i am crazy..


Bb wrote on his blog how his family likes me around, the fact was that i like his family too.. but if Bb dun likes me... it wouldnt help having his family to likes me, cos ultimately it is him who decides whether we should be together.


I am feeling at disadvantage, i fear each moment he gets upset with me.. nowadays whenever he gets angry with me, i might quarrel with him a little and pray silently to God it will be over soon, cos i am scare he will mention those words again.


Bb says he is feeling really stress at work and no one understands him... slowly i begin to realise how much he tinks, or maybe i really am, not the best gf he can have..i cannot fit the criteria as an ideal gf, the kind all man wants and all woman aim to be.


The ideal girlfriend would be one who knows when to be understanding at the right time, who will silently help his bf forget his worries at work and make him happy and honour to be with her, she will be the ideal gf if her bf is scared of losing her..


I really learnt alot from this relationship, many of the stuff was learnt the hard way, the painful way...i dunno if i can ever become the good gf he wanted, or if i will change. i know its hard to lose this guy, but if the tot of him wanting to call it quit haunt me everyday... i really dunno what to do..


Bb still hasnt talk about it, like the good old times he has decided to behave as thou it din happen, i am really very very moody... by day i can still pretend, but by night when it was time for reflection, i realise the problem is still there...


there are definitely going to be more "me-time"... i hope i will get use to having a lesser piece of him.. otherwise without msging him at work and without feeling as though he is definitely mine... i think it wont be long before i scare him away..



haha.. irony, Yuan Lai there is no such thing as a Guardian Angel, Yuan Lai no one sends blessing from above, its all about giving in, taking lesser and giving more.. Yuan Lai feeling too serious about a relationship can be so tough...


Good night Bb... i still like u as ever..