hai. i shouldn't have throw my temper on Jerk that day. could see he is facing some really serious problem.... nvm.... Jerk..... Certain things you create for yourself you face it yourself.... yes you may need time to get over it but i assure you time will heal the pain..... anyway "ren shen sia lai" is to be happy......... your mum did not bring you to the world to be always so unhappy ...... think about it........ you are only 18 yrs old.... many more people is gonna come in your way..... for that you have to get up again........ i already cheer you up..... the fact that you choose to fall back into the hole again is your own terrible mistake/.... others can help you once.. but if you choose to get back to square 1........ i am telling you frankly not the same person can get you out again....... you think carefully before falling into the hole again........
This few days are so funny.... i keep getting upset over the tiniest stuff...... and i woke up this morning to realise what a damn fool i am..... well..... life still does go on....... so i'll just make the best of it./... work at far east the past two days........ hmm..... so nice to see yet my old friends again......... Steve (uncle steve) ........ordell(uncle ordell)......Alex (Uncle Alex) and nicole...... i also saw Sabrina yesterday. and Ai lian.... hmm... especially my beloved Denise./...... even Cousin visit me....... haha.......... cousin was on her way to see Jay Chou concert ........ oh i saw Sylvester Sim yesterday....... everyone was shouting when he walk past. i seriously dun see the point why.. hmm

i can sense if Ismail and i chat further........ his mum might start to hate me...... so i told him we better reduce our conversation time....... haha/... i am meeting him later to catch a movie as well as eat dinner...... that fellow having his last paper today.........

I miss Sharon....... msg her a few days ago to work at ooo.baby.... but she did not reply.... when she reply she is busy ....... i was so piss off.. so i kind of scold her..... i am so sorry dear.... anyway she cant read this blog./........ hai. i am so sorry dear

Denise ask me to accompany her for work after i finish mine... but i promise mum to meet her at AMK... so i did not.... sorry Denise. sorry my princess......... sorry darlin

Met up with Mum and Dad and of course the stupid sis of mine..... we sent DAd to AMK to receive his Bike..... then he went off to work. Mum and sis and i went to AMK central to grab a bite... Mum is in this huge craving for the pancake with peanut... but we couldn't find it.. sis and i wanted to eat fried banana./.. so we bought some.. mum let us choose. and greedy sis bought fishball and dumpling and tapioca. i bought fried banana and green bean.. my all-time favourite.
then we went to the knitting shop and i replenish my knitting material./.. haha. make mummy pay. thanks mum!

Chat with Ismail and found out the following:
-he loves pasta, hates soft tofu (i love tofu)
-we love sambal tofu
-he likes home-made ladys-finger
-he likes shell food (but not so much for mussel)
-he dislike soup stuff (like black mee)
-there are two most person he think of non-stop: his mum and me

haha,..,, this guy is damn silly.. but he admit his mum ever ask him to choose between me and her. i told him if my mum ever ask me to stop seeing him. i will seriously consider....... cos nuttin matters more than your own parents,..... with i told him the answer to his mum question will definitely be his mum! He should not get worry about the answer

dun wanna write le.. oh ya.. i cook pasta today.. traditional Spaghetti.... oops.. Ismail call me. just a moment..................................................
he finish his paper le.... haha........he is talking again..................................................................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................................
meeting at 5pm... at town............................................................................................................................
he getting his pay..........................................................................................................................................
ok. he hung up le....... aiya. that fellow no handphone... must specify where to meet later.... ok. it is still early. i go download music and check mail le....

things are better today..... went to work far east instead of plaza sing today... cos Sharon is sick./.... hmm... left Lily all alone...... nvm,........ sales was very good..... $1014... Boss must be happy...... then long time never work in far east le,....... everything is different..... but it was fun anyway.....

Today Lily msg alot... we chat..... haha... mostly about Yi Xin B.O/.,... i am so bad..
Today Jerk apologise..... i had long forget about the incident..... but perhaps it was because Jean and i aim to target $1000.. so the urge for a customers to buy is sop strong that it makes me fed up..... i kinda piss Jerk off..... hai..... i guess he is just one of the unlucky one...... sorry,,,,,

Have thought about it..... it was my fault to make friends i dunno.. so it is right for Ismail to be angry or maybe piss at me...... i ought to apologise..... i am waiting for him to call me..... he say he will so i will wait.....

Tomorro working again..... 2-7pm.... with Yixin..... ask Vanessa to join me for Dinner but there was no reply... i guess she is angry at me or stuff...... i piss people off........ i am such a bad person...... gotta reflect myself......

Sharon is leaving OOO...baby..... Jean and i are going to get her a Roxy wallet.,..
Today is really a damn boring day..... i have nuttin much to write...... if Ismail call later...... then maybe i have a whole bundle to write..... Ismail cant read it here........ but i am really sorry..... i think i will stop Friendster...... or maybe edit it to private sector....... hmm

dunno what went wrong..... nuttin is right my way today...... everything suck...... even the talking session with ismail is not right/.... we end up with a bad good-night

anyway it all begin with a damn fuck up menstrual cramp...... then the sleepy working hours...... then JeRk cancel the supper..... then i went buy my dinner and the damn fuck up restaurant make me wait a whole 30 min for my spaghetti...... then i go home in a squashed up train with damn fuck people... and the fuck day suppose to end..... then came home and went online to talk to Tristan sean and Samantha... turn out Sam and mark broke up..... Mark had another girlfriend, his good friend girl friend.....and Sam was hard-broken..... Tristan Sean was nice to talk to... but suddenly turns out he was a pervert.....

talk to Ismail was really heart warming...... but i was busy typing, partly my fault...... then he also wasn;t concentrating...... he cant wait to tell me all about his day..... and the aunty matter is stuck on his mind.. his mum want him to put down the phone....... we talk only for a while... but towards the end he question me about Tristan Sean..... and he mistake Jerk for Tristan Sean.....was i to blame him for messing the story up or just my fault to tell him things so briefly..... just a few min ago i was upset he dun listen..... now i think it is because i wasn't concentrating.......

I am also quite angry at Jerk..... aiyah..... he got family prob... so it was cancel..... but aiya... read his blog he is still bothered by the girl.. makes me very irritated... think my fews hours not sleeping was actually wasted

nuttin is on my way tonight....... hopefully tomoro is better... dun care who..... i just wanna sleep to my content tomorro so i wont throw my temper like what i am doin now............ sleep!

here's some of my friends:
sijia.... close click in NYP
Xin Yi... close click in NYP
Syahirah... can talk to in NYP
Apel Yap... can share secret
My sweet denise
aunty Lily.... colleague
My darlin cousin

Been busy doing lotsa stuff....... back into my tanning........ was tanning the past few days....... was busy knitting...... and staying over at my cousin's......... it was pretty fun......... i am burning now....... yesterdays sun was scorching-fortunately........ cos few days ago i went too to sentosa....... and trust me!!!! i think i bring rain...... cos it rain heavily......... yesterday went with cousin and Denise........ was glad Cousin can commuinicate with Denise..... three of us went to tan,...... and there was these bastards who keep calling us S.H.E...... my cousin and i was brave........ she put out her middle fingers to them...... and i just kept singing the F**ker song....... those guys are really mean....... Denise did not react...... sometimes i think she just didn;t wanna spoil her image to guy who might wanna know her........ maybe she is really kind...... i dunno......... but my cousin and i are the best partner...... we kno just what each other wan....... and we fight back........ truly enuff....... those guys walk up and wanted to know us....... well......... i guess they just wanna know Denise,......... but we ignore them...... haha.........yesterday outing attract a lot of attention........ guess it's because of Denise....... cousin was shock and she admit this is the first time she feel attention everywhere when we walk........

ok so much about yesterday,....... during night time ismail called........ his exam was so-call screwed up...... he forget to do the vocabulary..... haha silly dummy........ he is quite confident of passing but is till upset over the vocab thingy......... oh yah,....... we are going out on our second outing next monday after his last paper...... we are gonna watch Shutter together........ he told me the month of dec he will be busy working full time to earn enuff money...... yah...... so i guess we'll be meeting pretty less........... then suddenly that silly dummy told me something...... i smile........ haha...... he say despite being busy and stuff...... he is taking off on mon and tues every week........ i was shock and ask him why........ then he reply: "silly girl...... you dun work on monday and tuesday remember?" haha....... so sweet...... this few days my temper is so good....... i was practically happy every day........ and i finally receive my pay for last week..... the extra pay .... it was $257.50..... quite little but yah enuff........ immediately i went over to Hooked clothing to choose a ring....... haha,,,,,, i was determine to work on my plan....... pretend to be a guy and put a ring on him........ my friends think i am crazy...... i think it is pretty cute to dote on others sometime....... then i chose the ring i always realise caught my attention...... i told Alex to put it to size 17...... how i know...? i bluff that dummy that i was selling rings in the shop and dunno how to see ring size,....... he taught me how and accidently told me he is size 17....... haha........ i am so smart........

btw i read about special friend blog and realise he is trying his best and has been taking action....... have known him pretty long enuff...... i think you are almost on the right track...... cos doing what you wanna do can put you into a conclusion that you will be satisfied... cos you have no excuse why things turn out the way it is,..... you create it yourself.//////

it was all a stupid thinking......... i was too paranoid............. hehe........ stupid Kristal..... sometimes i have to admit my stupidity................. haha......... but my foolishness makes me look silly some times and for that i think i kinda of like it........ hehe........ and i realise he only hadn;t call for one day........ look........ how silly i was......

anyway yesterday i called him while i touch down at yishun......... guess i am not the kind to hide my emotion,....... if i dun do something i wanted to do........ i know i will not forgive myself......... i called....... and his sis pick up the phone..... that dummy was bathing....... just finish his taekwando class........ i ask his sis to get him to call me back.......
not long..... special friend call..... aiyah that fellow deserve a spank on the butock sometime,........ he ah...... still in the angel mood...... anyway i advise him what ever i could....... and tell him to reflecton himself......... haha... hopefully he will wake up....... like i always say....... somethings are meant to be selfish....... and those who think sacrifying is a worshipping action........ they better think again.......

halfway along our conversation..... the dummy call....... he just came out of the bathroom...... haven dress i guess (that was the funny part........ i was blushing when he say he need to call me back after 5 min) i told him i was talking to special friend.....and will call him again later........ so he hang up...... then i went back to talk to special friend........ and the second line came again,...... it was jannity....... i feel so sorry for her..... she needed my advise too.......and i actually tell her i will call her back later....... which i didn't........ and i went back talking to special friend......... and the second line came again....... that dummy call so confirm i was calling him........... haha..... so sweet....... he say if he dun confirm...... later he wait for my call till dunno what time......... i say i WILL call him later,.. then i went back to talk to special friend again......... and after quite a while....... i decided to let special friend be on his own...... dunno why but i could sense he was really taking what i said into his mind,..... guess he is into his land again........ so we hung up.......

after which i call the dummy and we chatted......... but at the very start of our conversation...... it was all my so-call scolding...... cos i feel my heart kinda melted upon hearing his voice...... so despite i wanted to scream my head off him......... it just went so funny......... that dummy listen silently till i finish my nonsence.........then he say....... "i'm sorry"........ haha./........ and its all worth it,......... cos it totally make me feel so flying in the air...... then he explain,....... and i told him about what Candice say....... that i was being too paranoid and i agree...... that dummy actually laugh silently and i know that he is happy that i was caring and waiting impatiently for his call........ he is just so "transparent"..... its like we always know what each other is thinking or saying........

then he told me that the day when i went to his house for Hari Raya......... his mum already say i was those jumpy kind of girl........ but yesterday...... she say something about me can brighten up anyone;s day... whoo....... i;m so hoonour........ and his sis feedback to him that that day when her friends saw me...... they think i look good........... hmm....... i haven receive so much compliment........ i think i should really work doubling hard to lose off those fats........ and i told him about what happen during work yesterday....... btw... this is what happen: not something very proud to mention:

i was having a bad mood cos of his not-calling....... so candice i should grab a good bite and she recommended wrappa-mania celsar salad wrap........ so i went to buy it..... and as i was ordering.... this malay guy insist on serving me..... i took my order and waited there for it...... and he was practically staring at me..... i feel kinda uncomfortable so i look at the other side........ then he call out to him and suggest i sit by one side and wait..... so i did........ but he was still staring at me..... haha....... then after a while i heard him scolding the chef and hurrying him to cook faster and dun let the lady customer wait too long..... then he call out to me to receive my order..... i took it and say thanks and walk off...... he say "thank you..... sorry to keep you waiting......" i smile...... i walking far from the shop and suddenly he shouted :"hope to see you again!" and i look back and giggle....... cos i find hime rather..... haha..... silly.......
yah....... so i told that to ismail and kinda boast lah....... hehe...... but he only laugh......... i ask why and he say i could not escape from his charm...... hah..... i think we both make a funny couple since we joke alot and boast around....... that dummy ah........ really lah...... haha........
we chatted about everything and he was talking from Johan; to toilet; to his day; to Hari raya custom and final ly to his Dad........ but i admit i was losing concentration......... so i apologise to him that i cannot really get thru what he was saying......... he said it was ok and he was glad i was being honest......
i think i like the way things are going now...... to think we have been togetehr for 4 years already....... but everythings stills sound so fresh....... and i'm glad for that......

dec 7.......it will be the day (according to him it is 7dec not 9dec) when we have to make our decision whether to carry on getting closer....... i have big plans for that day but i didnlt tell him that....... anyway i wish i could write it here...... cos this is my secret compartment.........

i was thinking of getting him a ring...... big metallic kind from hooked clothings...... than on that day i will act like a gentleman...... put on the ring for him and ask "will you be my boyfriend?" haha...... sounds rather stupid right? but it took me a long time to decide this is the best way...........
no wonder my friend all think i am a crazy girl with crazy ideas,........ i feel so wacky!!! hem!~ (*v*)

haha...... since i am a person with this character....... only a few kind of people can stand as a girlfriend...... today i realise and "forgive" those whom i didn't end up together with...... if we really get together..... they perhaps can;t stand me for up to a month....... so yah.... anyway these kind only 2...... special friend and kim wah..... so i guess its a blessing to them too...... haha......... i'm basically tallking nonsence again...... what the hell

that was the blog i 've written about my sadness today and yesterday and the day before yesterday........ but happy things do happen too.......
Yesterday Princess De and i went Tanning together........... i tried to msg Sharon but she didn;t reply........... that girl is getting to the limits.,........ but we agree there's no way we can stop her........ since she has been lidat since the day we knew her...... that ever very strong-self-defiant person...........

we went to sentosa for a strong tan..... guess what the sun was really strong at first..... then by the time we change to our bikini......... it began to rain........ heavily!!! Shit...... haha........ but i was dying to soak myself into the sea water...... so what-the-hell........ i just dipped in......... Denise was still abit afraid since the last time she gone tanning with sharon and her skin began to rot and wounds........... btut she couldn;t take it after a while too....... the two of us dipped into the salty water and dance........ chit chat and roll over the sand........ under the damn pour...................
i told her how scared i was to reveal about Bobo to Ismail....... he is a damn terrible mistake........... Bobo is a true psycho....... thats all i ever wanna say about him........ Ismail is good to me,............. i mustn;t commit the same mistake again......... Denise say i should take as a blessing in disguise...... at least i haven got rape by him.......haha...... i guess its true,....... there..... one more burden off my shoulder......... then Denis tell me about Justin and the sweet times they share togethr,.... she also told me about the bastard that date her and was going all gluey to her.......some guys are true bastards........... haha////////

then the two of us became Tai-tai again........... haha........ we took a train to Doby ghaut and ate Pastamania...... btu we order alot............ i ate mussel and clam in cream base.. and she took the spaghetti as usual........ we order two bowls of soup.......minestrone.... and garlie bread,..... and a hawaiian pizza......... haha......so much for two girls......... there were many couple in the restaurant....... but we are two girls........ laughing and joking and being happy...... thats what best friends are for....... so i only t\have two best friend........... and i am happy about it............ not to forget i have a wonderful cousin........... life can be so happy each time you think about all of them...........

this few days is hell......... perhaps i've became too overjoy so a little bit of setback is enuff to make me sigh the whole day......... few days ago he call and say he cant call me today cos he is studying for the ITE examination........ that is highly understandable........ but the next day and the next day...... he still hasn't call........ am i imagining things to much?!~

if he were to call........ here's my question:
1.Hey....... i'm not throwing my temper........... but help clear my doubts......... if putten yourself in my shoes....... and mine in yours........ say we just met 4 days ago and things has been fun that day...... that after which i stop contacting you for 3 days after that........... do you think you will go all paranoid?!~
2. you say when two hang out together... there must be trust.............. i am doing all i can to trust ourselves........ but where is ur support? do you ever start thinking how hard things can go the wrong way?
3. so lets say we have so-call a month to correct our mistakes.................. do you still care? a month....... 9 dec..... and a month is over........... i dun wanna let go,....... neither do i wan to make the wrong decision.

perhaps i am being too paranoid............. maybe to him....... nuttin has gone wrong....... all that he haven done is call me................. i dunno when you will the chance to see this blog........... but i will try not to keep a secret from you.................... i am trying my best to stop being the old Kristal i use to be.............. i am fully determine to change my temper....... so you can be proud of me........ so your friends no longer see me the way they think i am............................ the process is hard...... you wouldn;t want me to change for you either......... but i just wanna do it.............

*i love what happen today........... hmm./......... i am SO happy!!!!!!!!

Just now so much happen........ i felt so hmm........ blessed of course! I cant wait to write it down onto the diary so here i am doing it!!! its 11.39pm now......... just finished a VERY satisfying bath! Drinking my favourite stuff- Green bean soup!!!

-His mum says i am sweet....... haha...... those kind that jump up and down....... chirpy kind
-His friends are quite hmm..... they tease me in the beginning..... when we are on our way to his Grandma's, could hear they were saying something....... but the later part.. they were *helpful* too
- His sis hasn't change much...... just like the few years ago when i first saw her... we chatted!!!!

here's what happen!!! 2.30pm exactly Kris reached Woodland Station! (how lame..... girls are suppose to be late! i can;t help it...... my legs practically pull me there) Kris walk around a while to see if i find him...... hmm..... i haven seen him for a very long while le...... so i scared i couldn't recognise him..... well...... no luck.. that fellow not here yet.... Kris walk to a signboard near the Toilet (Yucks!!!~) and rest there......
not long at 2.35 a guy in pearl white baju kurong walk near..... wearing a sunglass ( frankly speakin..... i really hate the sunglass la.....) he walks up to Kris and say hi....... and all that stupid gal could reply was :" what is with that spec?" haha...... later he immediately took it off and went to the gent.......
Kris saw Bai Zhiwei and another guy i forget the name... they couldn;t recognise me at all!!!!! they walk past me and enter the toilet as well..... then Ismail came out and i told him they are inside...... he saw them coming out..... they say the rest are at the pasar malam behind us...... we walk over...... Johan, Kiat boon, Dustin, feew more i forget the name are there......... we walk to to his hse............ Ismail was talking to his friend...... Kris talk to Dustin and Kiat Boon whom i know..... along the walking journey,.................... dustin and kiat boon went to join johan and friend to chat...... Kris was totally left alone!!! at that point of time i feel like shit!!!!! really thought today is gonna suck! but i didn;t wanna throw my temper....... cos i realise it wasn;t his fault...... and i certainly his friend to think i am still the very bad-temper gal they use to recall............. so i 'ren'... haha....... pick up the phone and msg Jannity and chat with her....... it was raining slightly.......

walk along the same path i use to take everytime i go to Putera to work in the past, i can't help think that somethings are just fate...... to think i walk that path for a whole 3 months without recalling it was his grandma hse......... finally reach 113...... he board the first batch of lift with his friends....... hmm........ i board the second batch of lift....... finally manage to drag my heavy feet to his grandma's..... i almost wanted to just run off...... cos i didn;t wanted to make myself angry........ but i 'ren'....... reach his grandma's..... everyone get a seat...... i sat on the dining..... msg away........ he get busy with his sister..... preparing drinks and food...... they serve drinks... he ask me what i want and i say anything..... that silly dummy got me coke!!!!!! anyway i didn;t drink it cos i dun like gassy stuff....... got to the point when i was going to go crazy....... ismail talk to me....... ask me why i was so quiet?....... i reply nuttin......... my whole body was boiling..... (Why is it always so easy to get angry with the person you like?)..... so i told him i will attempt to talk to his sis.......
his sis walk to the kitchen and prepare Lontong........ i skip over and say 'hi' to her............. her reply was a calm "hi" back....... i wonder how she do it? so we talk........ she ask where i am schooling and i reply nyp........ we talk about a lot of stuff that i dun think i wanna write down,...... one part she told me her brother is handsome.......and i stupidly reply "yah!!!! yah!!!! yah!!!" i think i am halfway crazy....!!! bonkers!
he keep coming to the kitchen and we stop talking....... he left and we start talking again... everytime i see him i just giggle to myself........ his sister could sense that too....... haha.......
then his friends tell him something about a dare...... "i dare you to do it.." oh no...!!!!
then suddenly his sister stand up and walk away...... he immediately sat down and talk to me...... and the whole hall of around 10pple clap their hands....... one stupid guy say "Ismail, i am so proud of you"..... i stupidly giggle away............. his sister return to the kitchen to realise Ismail is talking to me and she left again!!! then that silly dummy tell me about everything/../....... from the storeroom to his pocket money! den,......... his mummy and aunty return......... whoo!
even before i say anything....... his mummy came in the kitchen and say "whah....... two sitting here chat ah.." my cheeks almost go red!!!~ then his sis and brother all came to the kitchen..... then his aunty...... then they start talking and all at once i feel so awkward........ i walk to the dinning..... and this guy call David give up the seat to me......... then i was whispering to dustin about who david is,...... and we both had not a very good impression of him....... after that his mum and him bring out the Lontong....... it was time for me to go to work...... i told them i didn't wan to eat the Lontong......... i grab my bag and say goodbye to his mum,......... she was like asking me why go so soon>?!~ ask where i work....... and finally say bye..... i run out of the kitchen.. and run back again to her to wish her hari raya..... stupid Kris...... his mummy thinks i am cute...... she was laughing at me.........
Ismail say he wanna send me to station and i exclaim "i know this place well! better than you!!!" then he told me he wanted to fetch the next batch of friends....... Kok Wei... Timothy.. and the some thing ...cheng guy........ so we left together........... his friend shouted out of the window "no need to come back so early..." ,"dun come back better still" i was blushing again.........

we chatted...... and while chatting my eye began to hurt again......... shit!!! then i start rubbing........ and rubbing....... and he got worried...... keep asking me if i was ok?!` but i just concentrate on rubbing my eyes.....
it got redder and redder,........

i ask him to bring me to buy some malay food for my colleague...... so we did........ he was busy recommending all the malay food to me,....... what a cute guy!!

finally i left for work..... sales today very bad...... i was feeling down but happy at that what happen in the morning...

finally work is over........... i pack my whole shop and the phone rang...... a very unfamiliar number........ it was Ismail using his friend's phone........ they are on their way to PS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so shock and unprepared,...... but i was busy cleaning the shop to care much..... they all reach...... saw me on the floor cleanig the mannequin
ok....... then i pack up..... and we left....... then they ateat yoshinoya........ then we all left....... ismail kokwei and Darren went to the other side of the train and they told Ismail not to follow...... so ismail and i chatted..... seeinghi twice a day is pretty comfortable........ i;m beginning to look forwrad to seeing him every other day..... then he offer to sent me to yishun....... i thot he is going to sent me to my door and i immediately say no....... but he insisit........
in the end..... he actually send me to station only la........ then i went off le.......
i actaully start to imagine things on my way home...... maybe he is following me behind... maybe this maybe that........ we just had a real decent outing and he didn;t even get to touch my fingers....... so despite the past few years relationship....... like i mention...... we are starting all over again

hmm........ i am getting tired again........

today the day finally came......... Hari Raya to all!!~ anyway no one can see me here so i might as well just wish them silently......... later at 2 o'clock i'll be meeting IsMail for the very first time after we keep in contact again........ and i pray to god to make things fun and fine for me........ i will be visiting his mum and his family members at his grandma place......... his 20 guy friends will also be there......... Kristal please dun show ur temper...... i guess i had enuff sleep........ its 11.10am........ i sleep at 12.30pm yesterday......... Ismail called and we chatted at 3 plus........ after that i slept the whole night till now.......... do i need anymore rest? i guess even if i need i cant force myself to bed anymore.................

i had the worst dream yesterday,........ haha,..... its either a bad day at his place or i make his mum angry...... freaky eh!!!! guess i give myself too much pressure le........... i also told him what if i see him le then run away? but i dun think i will do it anymore............. i am no longer the stupid Kristal i use to be........... cos i like him for who he is and not how he look like........... oh no................. just a few more hours to 2.30pm............. my body is constantly shaking and my eyes still hurt like they do after so many days............ If Eric were to know about this, that silly buddy will definitely pull my to the clinic.!!!

Did i forget to mention how ppl around me give me support........ previously when we were together....... Sharon and denise did not really agree to this relationship...... but as long as i am happy........... they are happy for me....... when i broke up with Ismail........ they were the one to always be there for me........ and now we ar back together again (i mean not yet together............ ) they are still happy for me................... and my dearest cousin actually msg me yesterday night telling me to enjoy myself and as long i am happy............ she is ok with it......... sometime i felt so blessed......... God has answered my prayers............. and i hope everyone that i care out there also have their prayers answered.

working in plaza singapore has been fun......... but still misses the times in far east........ but i guess boss will transfer me over to far east again real soon.............. dun just see selling teenage clothings as a simple job......... i'm just a young gal,........... and have to handle the whole big shop by myself......... face stupid customers and those that try and try and refuse to buy......... yesterday had a bad incident again......... but glad it is over.........

few days before went out with my princess denise...... we head down to bugis street and den bugis tiself........ before heading back to northpoint........... let see what we have bought?!` did i forget to mention i didn;t have much cash cos boss haven pay me........... princess denise lend me a lot of money........ we bought 1. perfume form body shop...........2. a pair of jeans- khakis green....... nice 3.a mini shorts.... beach style 4.a mini skirt... army print....... 5.took pic...... sweet..... 6.had dinner........ i think thats about it le......... woo........ long time no shop i certainly buy alot again...........

erm...... what else did i wan to mention............ not so much todya............

been so long........... so much has change........... btw special friend............ i've accomplish my own set mission........ the goal i set has be fufil and the wish i wish is accomplish too..............
He call me a few days ago........... we talk for a very long time........... from 9-9.30......... then again 12-2 in the night......................... we talk alot and clear a lot of doubts.............. alot of stuff......... those i think i will further elaborate those another day............. then i told him every single thing i wanna say and i didn;t hide any truth.................. and then i realise............. he likes me too all along.......... i guess the 4yrs-being-together feeling is always and still there and is even stronger now................. we hadn;t seen each other since some time ago had and broke up for up to a yr and a half................... anyway........... his mother invited me to his house for Hari raya this sunday........... i'm rushing to work now........... will talk again some other time

i'm one step getting to you now....... but i am not sure if i was doing what i think i should be doing, what if i hurt you again? What if history repeats itself?!~
Yesterday while mugging thru my last paper, a guy came by my hse asking to buy Ice-cream, it those normally-teenage guy that sells ice-cream, but after Gary said no, i kinda realise the face is simply familiar, its kevin.... he saw me too....... later on i heard giggle and someone said they saw some one that resembles KristaL... haha.... then they call out my name so i went to check it out,........ not only was Kevin there. Johan was there... but as soon as i sw both of them i thought of you.... then i thought i will finally see you again.... after all...... your face is so familiar yet in my heart. so i reckon you were there but you weren't.... but without even saying hi to Johan and Kevin i immediately ask them for your contact number. They gave the same no. as Zhi Liang had given me...... haha/....... i told them it doesn;t work so they offer to pass the msg to you when they meet you again......... Am i doing the right thing?!~

For the sake of my special friend.. i shall do a rough introduction of this "you" i am referring to.... he is my Ex-boyfriend..... we were together from sec 1 to sec 4 but broke up before June, few months before i met a friend call Zhi hao... haha!! .... ya. He is one yr my senior and was my Band senior in CCa..... ... For the few years we were together. i brought him alot of trouble. including causin him to fail in examination and retaking O-level and making him spent bundles of transport cost to sent me to and fro sch. The worst thing is-i never agreee to go out with him even once.... See what a mean girl i am........ i totally agree on this actually........ i was a very bad temper and annoying girl.... his friends all hated me.. call me names too,..... but we just hang on.

i remenber 1 year i did a terrible thing... i hang out with another guy call Darren and he likes me too......... he was also a sincere person and all of the sudden i was two-timing!!! Darren brought me to visit his parent and stuff.. and we hang out alot......... i dunno why God was kind to give me two very good guys at the same time.... and i was stupid. Eventually Darren took me so seriously even thought he hadn't even hold my hand once, so to attempt to hold my hands was a difficult task for him....... cos he has the problem of palm-sweating. Jerk, guess what he did?!~ i'm not kidding but he actually undergo an operation while i was busy with my examination..... after my examination he told me to meet him in NUH, i got so nervous i beg my cousin to accompany me. when we reach, i almost tears to see him lying on the ward bed and smiling weakly at me. that was the first time i see someone forcing a smile just to brighten my day thought he is feeling very weak.........
Then one day i felt so guilty. very guilty the fact that i was such a bitch to two-time two perfect guys...... so i admit to both of them and apologise.......... Ismail was very furious but refuse to yell at me........... and as for darren, he tears........... i didn't shed a single tears! i dunno why, i guess i was a real bitch........... both of them forgive me and wanted me to make a choice......
i know i really like Ismail and Darren was such a perfect guy. Darren know what i was thinking so he back up....... he told me to go for who i really like, this way i'll be happy and he will be happy to see me happy................... so we parted ways, but on the day we met again to pass back some stuff, i cried.... Darren was a nice guy and me being his first ever girlfriend disappoint him so badly,..... i never felt more guilty............ Darren bought me a very huge music box....... inside a very nice Ballerina was dancing to the melody "Where do i belong",.......... that was the last time i see Darren again./..........

I finally reveal one very dark secret i had always keep within myself..... perhaps nobody wil ever believe, cos i dun look anywhere good or perfect, and worst of all, my personality suck. But God gave me a chance to believe before........ and i shatter that dream.......

Anyway after the incident, Ismail and i got back together,....... he wanted to start from scratch, i knew i hate him then, cos i feel he was a selfish guy.......... our relationship then worsen... and quiet down. during the 7 month when he took a break cos his o level was over and i was still studying,....... i ignore him........ we didn;t meet up for 7 months!!! but he never gave up..

Yr 2003.... Ismail score badly for his o level..... he was ask to retake his examination again.... he came back to Deyi..... and he attempt to talk to me but i simply ignore.......... we were still together....... but i was a matter of title only............. in may........... because of a very small misunderstanding..... we finally broke up.......... then i had totally no feelings for him.. perhaps i was still the naive young girl....................
After our break up.... he came to look for me once in my work place but i ignore him and left.... then again he tried to get us back together by asking me out for a talk......... i rejected........
Yr 2004.... a year had past since our break up and i realise i just miss him. all the ignoring was simply because i like him and hate him.......... i dare not say 'love'........ i never allow myself to use that word........... but i do know. that i shouldn't give it a go......... tell him about my feelings again and see what happen.............

i admit many things came in between during our break up....... i am still a mischievous girl. still making mistake... but he can stop me. cos that is how he had been doing since i was sec 2.

Hmm.... "Special friend" what a long story ya........ haiz.. i never wanna tok about Darren again........ but it cross my mind today................. so i thought maybe today i tok abit about my sad relationship/. next chapter i will talk about happy things.......................hehe

Btw special friend. All the best to you and that girl....... since you are the only person who knows about my diary here..... please advise sometime....... then i know if you advise me on your own blog./..... it might not be too appropiate for you,........ so add comment to my blog k.

Btw. my exams are finally over.. lets hang out soon@!!!~ msg me soon./,... take care

Sharon and me working together...... her first day in Ooo.baby

More pic...... we cant get enuff of it!!!!!
Me in the bathroom!!!!!!! before bathing, after a tired day at Ooo...baby!!!
I look so nice!!!~ Totally drooling over this pic!!!!~ i have grow up
in the van with mum..... Decided to go check up her office at the sane time study for my finals
My Bro, showing off his Kung Fu!! Catch Kung Fu- old master Gary!!!!
Yum Cha....... Diam sim!!! he gobble even the plates and bowls

i am who i am, i change myself to the way i wanna to be....... i am a gothic and funky me....... and no one gonna change it till i grew tired of me myself...... hehe......... very happy today......... in another way is a rather selfish kind of happy...... Del and Terence got out of CJC... i kind of feel happy cos i choose to leave school earlier..... but at the same time hated myself for not trying..... Sam gotten straight to J2. Congrats!! i really feel happy for you.. just that i didn;t tell you how happy i was...... Amanda and i for get who was goin to retain in J1 and half of the class gonna take sup paper to determin if they get to promote.. all the best t 13....... i didnlt get the chance to make but i sincerely hope you do......
Had been mugging this few days for examination.... night was fillled with thoughts about how he use to acc me....... this put me to bed...... in the morning i got stuck to watching TV and eating..... afternoon is studying....... hopefully after exam i will get more work schedule....... so i can earn more money........... my aims:

1. treat Darlin Samantha to a wonderful meal, she was there when i hadn;t got any money to spend, and i appreciate her for her support
   
2. buy Darlin Cuz Vivien something, cos Cousin(CUz) was always here for me 24-7....... Lubba lubba my cousin........................... i really wanna spend all money on you
   
3. hold yet another Big D.K.S outing........... Denise Sharon and me, not just working together,,,,,,, hanging out together............ just you gals and me
   
4. this is the lamest aim, which i dun think sitting around can get me anywhere, i just need him........ don;t think he will even realise my presence........ any fairy godmother around???!?~?!~
   
5. hmm............... i think i am contented ..... as long as pple around me is happy with the money i earn, it;s all worth it
   
6. oh ya............. my "SPECIAL" friend's movie and dinner and night out!!!~ hehe........ i hadn't forget wo
   

ya..... money is not a important factor in life....... now during this studying break i have not a single cent left in my pocket..... i am a big spender,......... that why when exam is over,......... i will work crazily!!!!!!

continue again........ i;m tired

so many days has past, so many working days i've done........ so many days of missing a person so hard, so many days of falling sick
Was sick for the past few days, cough, sore throat, running nose, ulcer on the mouth, what more can a person ask for?!~ Luckily friends show their concern,,...... Eric has been so heartwarming nice....... so glad to have him as a friend, some one i know i can tell my secret to and no one will know besides him..Eric is a nice guy, he will find a nice gal where he can truly care for..... i know he can;t see my blog... but i really want him to know that knowing him is part of a blessing to me. but all this 5 yrs of knowing him i know what kind of a innocent guy he is. Eric, dun tell me you like me, we are always friends and will always be..i am not any pretty gal, i dun have a good personality, you deserve some one better..
Jek Sheng msg me a few days ago, till now i';m still glad at the fact that i see through his true colours, and luckily all this 8 yrs of friendhsip had been only friendship, luckily his crush on me did not move me..... anyway i was real mean to him, Eric say i should stay generous and just thank him when he msg again... feel so free again........
Anyway i've been thinking so much about him, didn;t take the courage to call him anymore, perhaps this is life, i took it for granted when he was around and now he is not, i regret... i keep giving myself encouragement that perhaps the next upcoming occasion he will call me again....... maybe that will be on my birthday, maybe he does not even remember my birthday anymore........ haha, maybe this feeling now is only a rebound feeling, maybe i will find a new better guy.
Pull sharon into OOO...baby, perhaps i am too close to her so we can't really work well...... so i guess the next time she works will be the day i dun work.........
Exam is coming........ gotta stop blogging for sometimes......... maybe not too....... depends......... study for my exam...... score a good marks, and start enjoying my holidays..... thats the kind of life........
miss my cousin...... miss tennis........

the past few days has been consider tired and full-blast.!!! its either working or studying, or else it;s exam and testr...... now that exams drawing, haizx.......... really need to fully-stress myself it's high time to study!!Yet at e same time there are pple that are simply taking life too easy! if only the whole world gets busy at the same time, maybe God can create humans to be stress-free, but in that case than ppl wil be lazzy... so in conclusion , God is fair, humans are selfless!!!~ i earn money i spend them,...... not even realising it.!! things happen fast this few days, somehow i cant help but realise i am the only one whose life looks and sound so normal and dull....... if anyone were to come up and ask me how's life, my answer will most prob be: "pretty plain" i;m telling the truth fool!!! haiz......... life;s lidat, i need to do lotsa stuff, buti;m planning to leave them till after the finals.

The same question is being probed over and over again....... i;m feeling the urge too, its not that i'm not trying too?!~ but there;s no response,........ i;m just a gal, i dun have the courage and energy to do all this by myself, if only you understand,......... anyway i think you never will........ cos i;m just shy lidat, now and till the time you understand you might never know i ever feel this way...... stop bombarding me with all this, worst of all you not a single inch realise what in the world is happening......... you are living in ur own world........ dun forget me........... i wouldn't know how to handle that...........

then his mum answer and told me he wasn't home. i ask for his hp no. and got scolded instead, his mum hadn;t understand eng and had thought i was bothering her in the night.

haiz. sad ya.. anyway i think my courage to even talk to him was left with null..... let it just turn into a big mistake ba/...........

sam lost 10 kg in 5 months..... i think she is working very hard to burn those extra weight away. i admire her spirit. despite saying i will try my best./ i realise i was just lying to myself..... hai.. perhaps i am such a faker..... damn.....................

Hate my class... the class mates are so mean and unfriendly. i;m only familiar with a few people.... haiz. this class sucks..


to be continue

i saw JerK today... without second thought i immediately walk away, find a place to hide myself....... guess it's prob becos i would very much prefer to meet him prepared rather than being caught on the street... he was in his school uniform, and me? the ugly yellow top that belongs to mum's. haha, what a total embarassment.
Anyway , things got better Jerk has a new target. Why do we teens fall in and out of this matter so easily?!` i guess it's becos we are still young and hasn;t been able to commit ourselves totally to the stage where things is very hard to go wrong. So i guess all of us can handle our emotion and feelings well so much so that we changes our target as fast as we changes our mood. haha....... Jerk even wrote a so-call poem for the girl on his blog..... a brnad new beginning, it kept me wondering thou, dun wanna doubt him but is what he said that time about his change true?or is it just a reason to make me stop harrasing him..... Whatever it is, i;m just glad we are all good friends....... He hasn;t change much, that ever grey-looking hair and spec.... the same old Jerk

Two days ago is the lantern festival, and i recall two years ago on the very day \, i invite Ismail to join me for Lantern festival . It was the first and only time i ever invite him out and he agree instanly. then we spend a while together......... so two days ago, i pick up the courage to call him and chat

......................... to be continue

in class right now. there's nothing much to do except wait for time to pass fast... luckily today school finishes earlier than usual... 3pm. after which must go to work.........

-today Kumaran suck......... she scolded Apel and Adrian for nothing,.......... this is rather the first time i kind of hear them tok loudly.. why didn;t she scold other who tok even louder/........?
Anyway when a person is angry there is nothing to balme them for maligning someone innocent.

-my post saving account bal is 132.50 so far...had plan. tennis 32.50. cousin 10..... 45 for train concession...........set aside 30 for meal money because i'm working./...... left a minute. how tosave up for my converse high cut leather shoe???

-wanted to buy alot of stuff. bro offer a 40%voucher for levis jeans,.... really wanted to get it but scared the waist line so obvious so in the end gave it to Si Jia... but........ today Desiny_escape msg me say she wanted a pair of levis urgently....... haha..... good things dun come by easily... sine Si Jia already mention it earlier........ too bad lo. nvm,,,,,,,,,

- have decided to go back to the cheerful me...... but things aren;t really going my way thus it's rather hard to bring on my smile again.... but i will try harder

-jea had to undergo a operation few days ago. so Sharon and i are taking turns to come in for her. this week is suppose to be a light week for me....... nvm... work more..... money more......!!
jean had a extra something on her stomach... she had to cut off.... poor things........

-am going to do a project on hooked clothings./ hopefully things turn out well......

-what more do i have to update? erm. oh ya. dream of Ismail that day.... haha.. sweet dream./

-=x.X DrEamS AreN'T reAliTy X.x=-

This is my cousin..Avanda! it was her first birthday few days ago... we went for her chalet in costa sand.... before that our class had a BBQ and all of us participated.. it was fun but its hard to get eveyone to work and play a part in organising it....... guess the fact that it work out was already a blessing...... Ws did not really help out... that was a setback of the the entire BBQ but thank god this event allow me to commuinicate with many other i never i can open my mouth to....... then after a while i rush to costa le......... but costa was fun particurlaly cos Avanda was there an cousin tooo.... cuz and i worn the same top and bottom........ and we were of BBQ-ing yah it sound kinda of stupid and childish........... but glad it all went out well only that despite we plan to stay overnight,,,,,,,, many of us were too tired to stay awake thru out the night...... cuz and i bought a top for AVanda, expensive cos it cost $22.90. imagine that for a tiny piece of clothes...... hehe.. Avanda is so adorable, she kept stretching out her hands for me to carry her, bet she loves me....... hehe.then she cannot walk and eat,... but always shout for us to let her try out what we are eating........
i wanna write more!!~ but it is time to go back to NYP le........ so thats all...... will update
p/s: i;m not forcing you to update.......you dun have to do it if you dun wan to...

i did something pretty stupid today... i read thru Jerk's blog over again from day 1. of course it's not wonder one will get all emotion over him,... he's just to transparent.... someone you can just trust and rely on.. i guess i learn a new thing each time i read your blog.. that is:

- no matter how bad, how ugly and how a failure a person is.... she/he will get appreciate one day. Thanks for making me feel i was like a princess before... hehez

-no matter how angry a person may be and how much he/she wanted to hide and escape from the truth, never vent her/his frustuation just because he/she wanted it to hide the truth, also , never blame others for the thing you realise you do and thing you realise you wanna do.

-if happiness for others can be created by covering your own sorrow, then its worth it....
sorry you had to hide the truth and make me feel you are doing all these because its me who you had change the feeling for.

-if you realise the truth is what you wanna strive for, dun keep yourself in your lies anymore
really appreciate the fact that you went ahead and do what you think is what you want... it's a hard a journey for you, a hard jourey for me too,.... but all will turn well in the end!!!~

yah thats about the few lesson i've learn today!!! hey brother, you have better update your blog le........

i'm very busy this days, reaching the point i think i will break down soon... it's working and studying evry day. monday till today, everyday after school i'll be running to the MRT station then rush to work. some time i'll fall aslp during the journey but i cant cos i;ll miss my stop, now that Fred wanna pay me for standard hours, i have to complete at least 20 hours of work in a week.... haiz, one more days of such rushing i shall break down. Then Plaza sing is also a very boring place cos customer is less than ants sometimes. i can only sit in the shop and rot, even if i wanna fold the clothes, i;ve finish folding almost all cos lily has almost done them so wonderfully, i miss far east hopefully Fred does not put in far east long term, i'll just quit... haha..

that day Jerk came to town, but i was working on plaza sing, if not we could have meet.. cos we haven see each other for long long time le, you dun wanna lose a friend nether do i!!! haha....

that day got my pay so went to shop with my BEST friends, Denise and sharon went with me to town to get present for cousin ... it's a D.K.S outing again, i;ve regain the spirit i lost all these while.
We went to Roxy and i bought a roxy tanning mat for cousin, then we went to grab a bite at Subway sandwiche. after that i went to work then they went shopping,. they then move on to junction 8 and i met them there again after work..... then i bought them each a fox brand top, so i bought 4 pieces lah, then went to Arena, and i bought a bikini top.. thats ends the day. whoo, then the day before i bought a crystal for my aunt birthday..... all in all i spent up to 120++ in 2 days, whow... thats the effect of not shopping for so long...
that day sharon also bought a bikini set for herself, think it cost 26bucks, Denis bought pant that cost 10 bucks.....

that day while i was working M1 has a event so the model keep coming into the shop to change clothes, what a busy day.......... guess today i wrote alot of nonsence....... who cares....... haha

i kinda hate myself this few days,........... dunno why.........
i hate myself...... no one likes me......... was i jealous or what? dunno lah........

there are lotsa of couples these days.................... Apel and Adrian
Chris and Celina
Simon and Shan
Wei Zhe and Wei Fang
Niko and Alex......
how should i feel..... suck
no one evem realise i exist............ why am i so ugly and stuff......... why am i born the way i am?
Why are my friends are better looking than i am................... why ppl put up message in my Friendster but not looking for me......... but the one besides me............ why am i so unlucky? No looks, No brains........ i am nothing............... nobody makes me feel better............ day by day i only feel worst................... worst....

Am i sick or what? am i just a stupid useless girl? Do i even look like one girl? i think i suck.......... right to the core,......

Why am i feeling lidat,,,,,,? Please god dun make me feel this way cos i know that will happen.........
i dun wanna go back to those crying and weeping days............. please god change me for the better.........

upcoming birthdays............. Aunt 11 Sept
Sammie 11 Sept
Cousin 14 Sept....................................

this few days of full blogging makes me proud.
My boss has been nice this few days, my colleague knew i had little-to -no money for pocket money cos mummy refuse to support me with pocket money anymore, so they request to Fred to pay me standard amout so i can work standard days instead of being on-call....... and he agreed. that was good cos from now on i have a standard 100bucks per week... but of course i have to work to pay it off....... guess my schedule will be considering very tight from now on...... its ok since i have more money to spend........

Steve banana-Jakarta actually wanted to hire me...... during the holidays........ that will be my greatest honor cos it's always my wish to work in that kind of environment....... haiz....... but he advise me to accept Fred proposal...... cos it'a always better to have a standard income and stuff....... told him actualy my greatest fear is to face talking to Fred...... then he explain this should not be a fear cos we all have to face our boss in our business world in near future.......... actually my intention to speak to him is also to apologise to him for not being able oto work........ haha........ nvm lah,......... since he always so blur one mah.....thats why i call him banana-Jakarta.....

i;m gonna cut my hair again today...... cant help it...... too long le..... reach tip of ear le...... then if lidat wanna style very difficult....... cos hair too heavy......... Cuz is coming with me....... glad cos i like having her to give comment and supervise........... haha. i siao le....... holiday one week has been so fun...... too fast cos today is friday le.......

my style change...... it was a nice thing but i start to have difficulties what to wear...... being girl is no easy thing......... so guy had better not irritate me by saying how great they are......... is Mother Thearesa Female?

Wanna work more....... must study hard......... if Kristal cannot balance both well...... one must go........

now that i have money for lunch le......... dun spend so much....... if Kristal spend too much... all money will go.

P/s: read ur blog....... haiz.....you long long no update le hoh...... free must drop me a comment...... thanks