RodKris

i'm one step getting to you now....... but i am not sure if i was doing what i think i should be doing, what if i hurt you again? What if history repeats itself?!~
Yesterday while mugging thru my last paper, a guy came by my hse asking to buy Ice-cream, it those normally-teenage guy that sells ice-cream, but after Gary said no, i kinda realise the face is simply familiar, its kevin.... he saw me too....... later on i heard giggle and someone said they saw some one that resembles KristaL... haha.... then they call out my name so i went to check it out,........ not only was Kevin there. Johan was there... but as soon as i sw both of them i thought of you.... then i thought i will finally see you again.... after all...... your face is so familiar yet in my heart. so i reckon you were there but you weren't.... but without even saying hi to Johan and Kevin i immediately ask them for your contact number. They gave the same no. as Zhi Liang had given me...... haha/....... i told them it doesn;t work so they offer to pass the msg to you when they meet you again......... Am i doing the right thing?!~

For the sake of my special friend.. i shall do a rough introduction of this "you" i am referring to.... he is my Ex-boyfriend..... we were together from sec 1 to sec 4 but broke up before June, few months before i met a friend call Zhi hao... haha!! .... ya. He is one yr my senior and was my Band senior in CCa..... ... For the few years we were together. i brought him alot of trouble. including causin him to fail in examination and retaking O-level and making him spent bundles of transport cost to sent me to and fro sch. The worst thing is-i never agreee to go out with him even once.... See what a mean girl i am........ i totally agree on this actually........ i was a very bad temper and annoying girl.... his friends all hated me.. call me names too,..... but we just hang on.

i remenber 1 year i did a terrible thing... i hang out with another guy call Darren and he likes me too......... he was also a sincere person and all of the sudden i was two-timing!!! Darren brought me to visit his parent and stuff.. and we hang out alot......... i dunno why God was kind to give me two very good guys at the same time.... and i was stupid. Eventually Darren took me so seriously even thought he hadn't even hold my hand once, so to attempt to hold my hands was a difficult task for him....... cos he has the problem of palm-sweating. Jerk, guess what he did?!~ i'm not kidding but he actually undergo an operation while i was busy with my examination..... after my examination he told me to meet him in NUH, i got so nervous i beg my cousin to accompany me. when we reach, i almost tears to see him lying on the ward bed and smiling weakly at me. that was the first time i see someone forcing a smile just to brighten my day thought he is feeling very weak.........
Then one day i felt so guilty. very guilty the fact that i was such a bitch to two-time two perfect guys...... so i admit to both of them and apologise.......... Ismail was very furious but refuse to yell at me........... and as for darren, he tears........... i didn't shed a single tears! i dunno why, i guess i was a real bitch........... both of them forgive me and wanted me to make a choice......
i know i really like Ismail and Darren was such a perfect guy. Darren know what i was thinking so he back up....... he told me to go for who i really like, this way i'll be happy and he will be happy to see me happy................... so we parted ways, but on the day we met again to pass back some stuff, i cried.... Darren was a nice guy and me being his first ever girlfriend disappoint him so badly,..... i never felt more guilty............ Darren bought me a very huge music box....... inside a very nice Ballerina was dancing to the melody "Where do i belong",.......... that was the last time i see Darren again./..........

I finally reveal one very dark secret i had always keep within myself..... perhaps nobody wil ever believe, cos i dun look anywhere good or perfect, and worst of all, my personality suck. But God gave me a chance to believe before........ and i shatter that dream.......

Anyway after the incident, Ismail and i got back together,....... he wanted to start from scratch, i knew i hate him then, cos i feel he was a selfish guy.......... our relationship then worsen... and quiet down. during the 7 month when he took a break cos his o level was over and i was still studying,....... i ignore him........ we didn;t meet up for 7 months!!! but he never gave up..

Yr 2003.... Ismail score badly for his o level..... he was ask to retake his examination again.... he came back to Deyi..... and he attempt to talk to me but i simply ignore.......... we were still together....... but i was a matter of title only............. in may........... because of a very small misunderstanding..... we finally broke up.......... then i had totally no feelings for him.. perhaps i was still the naive young girl....................
After our break up.... he came to look for me once in my work place but i ignore him and left.... then again he tried to get us back together by asking me out for a talk......... i rejected........
Yr 2004.... a year had past since our break up and i realise i just miss him. all the ignoring was simply because i like him and hate him.......... i dare not say 'love'........ i never allow myself to use that word........... but i do know. that i shouldn't give it a go......... tell him about my feelings again and see what happen.............

i admit many things came in between during our break up....... i am still a mischievous girl. still making mistake... but he can stop me. cos that is how he had been doing since i was sec 2.

Hmm.... "Special friend" what a long story ya........ haiz.. i never wanna tok about Darren again........ but it cross my mind today................. so i thought maybe today i tok abit about my sad relationship/. next chapter i will talk about happy things.......................hehe

Btw special friend. All the best to you and that girl....... since you are the only person who knows about my diary here..... please advise sometime....... then i know if you advise me on your own blog./..... it might not be too appropiate for you,........ so add comment to my blog k.

Btw. my exams are finally over.. lets hang out soon@!!!~ msg me soon./,... take care