unrelated rant in a single post

I am not even sharing much, but i am working harder.

I, no! Make that we, we are both working harder on a new goal, he has reminded me times & again that something should be 可望不可求, but its like the aquarius in me is eating me up - bit by bit- and no sooner i know how it will all add up.....

I.WILL.STOP.ALL.ENTHUSIASM.ALTOGETHER

and then i probably will hate myself for a while, for not trying harder then months later i will begin the vicious cycle again, new mentality new motivation but same result, I never learnt, will i?

We've visit the sinseh for a while now, the first visit being tormented with 5.5hrs wait. He wanted to give up, but held on cos i was beaming with anticipation. I needed this to work you know? They say she's so good at this we'll literally have to count on her to make this works.

She advise us to mark my progress daily, so i did - without fail. Somedays i forget to do it 1st thing in the morning & it scared me - so bad.  I dream about it you know - walking to grab the thermometer & marking the temperature - then i woke up & stare at my phone only to realize i am 4 hours away from the alarm going off..

"WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?"

i could have taken it lightly - except i wouldnt allow myself to give up without giving my all. i took the medication timely, daily without fail. I feel the heatiness acting but i didnt know when to stop. Rodman was just patient you know, he reminded me times & again to take it slow, but i wasnt buying it. i wish i would soon.

#Take1 failed at 08August2016, i woke up knowing i have failed & the feeling was sinking in so terribly - but i reminded myself this is no crying affair because i have 12 times in a year to continue trying. I didnt know how to break the news to Rodman but when i did, i realize what a fool i had been because it was that easy!   He reminded me again 可望不可求，and so we went forth with our day, only i was motivated all over again for #Take2. How many times till i give up?

While chatting with a friend, i confess that this whole "project" was taking a toll on my mental health because for the first time - this was something i cannot predict or confirm will happen - just because i put in the effort. I randomly chuckle at my foolishness & also at the realization of the sense of loss i felt towards pathing my own future.

I am really thankful Rodman is around this whole time, without his reminder - albeit unromantic & somewhat repetitive consolation & er-hem amazing chinese proverb, i wouldnt have crash only to climb from the start again.

i am not sure how long this project will last till i can look back at how foolish i was &  how lucky we both will be when we are finally blessed with a family expansion. Until then i need to pick myself up again & again because i am not the sort to call quit - ever-.

It's also such luck that coincidentally there are amazing event taking place in Singapore that seems to hint better days are looking ahead. (Hint swimming champion & Singaporean), i am desperate & every bit of motivation works for me at this point, thank you.

Reluctantly, it took me till now to finally pen it down, i didnt want to proclaim or share aloud that i am feeling this low on something that is not yet within my control, but i'll be sure to return with good news - if only.