Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Stalker

i was reading random horror tales from creepycatalog as usual until this entry came along..

"You awake from a night of strange dreams to find "You are so beautiful when you sleep." scrawled across your bedroom walls."

then i got reminded i was nearly as close to encountering this once upon my beautify life. 

It wasnt too long ago too, such a coincidence! 2014? 2015? was it just last year that it had happen? Now where did i keep those pictures? scribble on the wall, awake in the middle of the night and the numerous heart attacks my family had to suffer just to ensure i live each day safely?

It must have been Gary who discovered it as he made his way home from one of his usual nights out. Kristi have walk past the corridor just slightly past 11pm but they werent there! I- as my Dad will call it was asleep at this point, 十点le-la (no thanks Cinderella) my carriage turns into pumpkin, horses back to mice & nicely tuck behind my blanket in my dreamland.

i was awoken by Gary? i no longer remember, pulled out of my safe haven and barely make out what was happening & next thing u know i was standing right at my corridor, nearest to the lift lobby staring at the HUGE graffiti containing my name on the wall. It must have been 2.30am in the night, it came as a surprise so i was wide awake when i see it. WHO ON EARTH DID THIS?

There were so many thoughts wandering in my mind, this was not the first kind of harressment i encounter in my life, i have so many other accident to share but nothing quite as majestic as this.
What else will it say, it was a compliment - not that i am proud of thou



KRISTAL CHNG SO HOT

Those were simple words, he/she must have been tall to reach this much height with the spray can. The wordings were clear- albeit really untidy. It had my full name, the handwritting is as messy as a typical guy's writting would. We didnt hesitate to call the police. 

The interview//interrogation??? didnt take very long, the officers ask if i might have offended anyone recently? My first thought was definitely nasty, like if i offend them they are actually quite humble to praise me openly hahaha... but no lah, i dont think i might have offended anyone, but sometimes i can be insensitive like this. 

i admit i am still ashame of my "interview" because once i was fully awake the whole situation clearly has been quite comical if i may say so myself? The officers prolly took it lightly as my answers seems to imply so. My Dad wasnt too pleased,,

and no, he shouldnt be pleased about this whole thing. It did brought me back to my terrible past, the one time i had to be interrogated in the police station ; there i was, all young &; crying so badly my Dad was so helpless he almost trash the police station you know? Nah, i am no longer keen to go into details on that incident but it scare me pretty bad because my Dad was usually the nicest man alive. i remember the police officer was perhaps not very understanding towards small girl back then &; he ask me very detailed questions that was terrifying to even imagine at my age.  Dad answered most of them on my behalf because i was just crying so badly. At one point the officer beg my dad to let me answer myself but he was - my protective Dad- very agitated at his request. 

Moving on - i really dont enjoy enacting those memories from the past - Dad told the office that more has to be done to protect me as we've barely moved into our house for 12 months &; already someone was stalking me enough to know exactly where i stay?

Back then i was very focus on my running routine &; i clock my mileage on facebook so friends could motivate me &; i'll pressurize to keep up with the momentum. Dad, Rodman were both very persistent that i stop running immediately because that also means i'll be expose to danger - especially knowing someone has been preying on me the whole time. 

Looking back, i admit a huge part of this whole saga started with my posting my routine online, it was damn simple to predict where i will be, on which day running which course of PCN at which neighborhood. i am to be blame for my own stupidity but it just doesnt make sense you know? To be targeted so specifically by someone you dont know.   The thought that i barely lived in my residense for a year plus the fact that i DO NOT run near block makes the whole thing even scarier. 

Actually, a small part of me knew the problem could arise from my resume that is probably floating somewhere out in the cyberspace, but i have only change my residence 6 months in? This is the mistake i made i guess. In a perfect world, recruiters are genuinely helping to find you a good job, then there are those preying on the cyberspace with creative ways to scare the living hell out of you. I vividly remember there were calls checking if i was still keen on my hunt for a job but back then i wasnt but i make sure to reject them nicely. Some took it ok, some request to keep my resume for future opportunities &; i was ok with them all.. 

I dont have a happy ending to this story you know, basically it was a whirlwind of my family, my boyfriend over-protecting me for months on ends. It is all better now cos i moved out not too long later, got married &; earned myself a 24/7 guardian which is Rodman. i guess this incident will just be filed in my mind forever as one of the many cases of harressment i have introduce myself to in this lifetime. 

someday, when other things prompt my bad memories, i'll be sure to share my experience on meeting flasher, psychopath, &; being harressed by a classmate back in school days. 


Monday, August 15, 2016

unrelated rant in a single post

I am not even sharing much, but i am working harder.

I, no! Make that we, we are both working harder on a new goal, he has reminded me times & again that something should be 可望不可求, but its like the aquarius in me is eating me up - bit by bit- and no sooner i know how it will all add up.....

I.WILL.STOP.ALL.ENTHUSIASM.ALTOGETHER

and then i probably will hate myself for a while, for not trying harder then months later i will begin the vicious cycle again, new mentality new motivation but same result, I never learnt, will i?

We've visit the sinseh for a while now, the first visit being tormented with 5.5hrs wait. He wanted to give up, but held on cos i was beaming with anticipation. I needed this to work you know? They say she's so good at this we'll literally have to count on her to make this works.

She advise us to mark my progress daily, so i did - without fail. Somedays i forget to do it 1st thing in the morning & it scared me - so bad.  I dream about it you know - walking to grab the thermometer & marking the temperature - then i woke up & stare at my phone only to realize i am 4 hours away from the alarm going off..

"WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?"

i could have taken it lightly - except i wouldnt allow myself to give up without giving my all. i took the medication timely, daily without fail. I feel the heatiness acting but i didnt know when to stop. Rodman was just patient you know, he reminded me times & again to take it slow, but i wasnt buying it. i wish i would soon.

#Take1 failed at 08August2016, i woke up knowing i have failed & the feeling was sinking in so terribly - but i reminded myself this is no crying affair because i have 12 times in a year to continue trying. I didnt know how to break the news to Rodman but when i did, i realize what a fool i had been because it was that easy!   He reminded me again 可望不可求,and so we went forth with our day, only i was motivated all over again for #Take2. How many times till i give up?

While chatting with a friend, i confess that this whole "project" was taking a toll on my mental health because for the first time - this was something i cannot predict or confirm will happen - just because i put in the effort. I randomly chuckle at my foolishness & also at the realization of the sense of loss i felt towards pathing my own future.

I am really thankful Rodman is around this whole time, without his reminder - albeit unromantic & somewhat repetitive consolation & er-hem amazing chinese proverb, i wouldnt have crash only to climb from the start again.

i am not sure how long this project will last till i can look back at how foolish i was &  how lucky we both will be when we are finally blessed with a family expansion. Until then i need to pick myself up again & again because i am not the sort to call quit - ever-.

It's also such luck that coincidentally there are amazing event taking place in Singapore that seems to hint better days are looking ahead. (Hint swimming champion & Singaporean), i am desperate & every bit of motivation works for me at this point, thank you.

Reluctantly, it took me till now to finally pen it down, i didnt want to proclaim or share aloud that i am feeling this low on something that is not yet within my control, but i'll be sure to return with good news - if only.