.... oh....my...god

And so.......

with all that load and days on anticipation.. i am  finally a day away from saying goodbye to Timmy.

i've been comtemplating about doing a proper shoot with Timmy... like me dress in bikini and looking over my stomach like he had been a child... He was like a child inside my stomach for so long... and i experience the pain of carrying a kid for like.. 8 years?!

While i try to recall all the special moments we might share... they were mostly negatives... there are times i hate my body when i strip to bath... i was mad at how the stomach looks so bloated... i scolded myself in my head.. i called myself a pear.... somedays when i worn a dress i love so much and it look awful due to the stomach... i hit my own stomach....   i recall pinching it... hitting it.. all the bad images surface and now i am saying goodbye...

By this stage i wouldnt think twice about removing Timmy.... i guess all the stress came strictly from imagine how the surgeon was going to open my stomach up.... i imagine her putting her hand inside my open stomach and pulling out a balloon filled with water.... i think i sound crazy now..

So this is it guys! the day i am waiting for since i was fat (which practically spells forever since no girls will ever be satisfied with their figure... ) thank you all for the well wishing, and health blessing.... i;ve been panicking about tomorrow so much that my stomach churn for no reason... since days back till now every single trip to the ladies proves fruitful... and when there is nuttin more to be "downloaded"..... there are gas.. *fart* haha

I've been spending lotsa of time at home yesterday. Mum wanted me to start packing my clothes and she emphasizes on dresses... what dresses? body hugging ones? that would hurt my wound....

and so.... i have packed loose dress.. just one piece.. i dun think i will get that chance to wear any nore dress other than the discharge date.. and underwear? what underwear? if the wound is going to be a pantyline wound.. then where does my panty lands now?

there are just so many ???? when it comes to preparing for the stay... i am a newbie in the hospital.. wahah.. oh.. and just how much can i move? i intend to bring some notes to read up during my stay... borrow the portable DVD player to watch a movie too.. can i achieve them all? Do i need make up?  who is going to clean me up? Whoever cleans me up is gonna touch me down there?  God i need advice.... how can i sleep tonight... i will be up all night panicking for the day to come sooner...

Thanks to my family caring tots, there is gonna be a party tonight happening back home... i am so glad that shall keep me busy for a while.. otherwise please send someone to gimme a tight slap...and then tell me "look... this is going to hurt fuck... ur op is  peanuts" and den maybe i can breath normal..... my relatives are gonna pop by for dinner.. i hope everyone talks to me about the surgery like its gonna be just sticking a cotton bud up my ear..


askdjaskdjklsd... i am gibberish - again!



get distracted.. get distracted.... my hands are cold.. my fingers are numb.. panic attack.. panic attack...

someone take my place now.. or can the hospital call me and tell me "you can come in rightaway for the op" and all is settled.. When i was 21 year old i gave myself a good birthday present.... i wanted a piercing at a prominent spot and so after some tot, i decided to pierce it right above my eye.... on the eyebrow.. and so i did!


i told myself i needed more time to think about it but thinking only makes me nervous,.like i am right now... so during work one fine day... i decided to annouce to the ladies what i was going to do.. and within sec i pulled a friend up with me into the tattoo parlor and asked for it to be done immediately because the anxiety is too much to bear.. he make me sign an indemnity form and sat on the bed while he prepare his tool... i hated the noise of the metals tools clanking against one another...

He told me to breathe in.. but i was too nervous.. and he did the next best thing that only saint could think of.... he pinch my eyebrow so hard i was ready to cry... den while i was in shock of that pinch.... he pulled my eyebrow and pierce the stud RIGHT THROUGH it!!! i felt no pain.. and only realise what had happen when i felt a cold metal INSIDE my face... THAT WAS HOW I DEALT WITH ANXIETY

Another time i knew i was up for an injection... syringe use to scare me so much because i've seen my seniors cried when they had their BCG.... so when i turn P6 and knew my turn was coming soon... i volunteer to be the first one to get injected!

i hated the feeling of being nervous.. i rather get it over and done with... i volunteered to get injected first every single time... when i took the dose at Takasago, when i signed up to donate my blood.. each and every time i need to keep my eye close.... when u can feel the pain but not see it... you'll feel less nervous

and today.. OH HELP ME GOD! i need to leave one day of knowing just what shall happen tomorrow... cant everybody just lie that surgery is peanuts? i wish i hadnt watch too much drama..


colleagues back to work.. i;m executing "ignorance"mode again..
















~Sweet.Silly.Stinky.Sleepyhead~