What is there to be blog when all are bad memories?

I am angry wit myself and awfully hate this relationship that has come to this stage. i have to keep accepting whatever reason that was created for not picking up my calls. Silently hide this awful fear inside about going home alone. Being strangely jealous that he gets all the good stuff and attention elsewhere, while i have to accept his every move.

I just wish i din die during this period cos by the time he would have found out i will have been cremated

i got myself settled down, after a bad fight with bb in the morning, and the only things that seems to help was perhaps this sudden surge when i saw the Michael Jackson soundtrack lying on the table in the shop, and since the usual Jay's Cd were missing and i am almost done wit some of my usual, i replace it with MJ song starting with my all time favourite of his -- "Heal the World"

And true enough, like how many others often describe how this King manage to unfluence alot of u, it wasnt till i listen carefully in his songs did i realise how some words come true to heart.

It was a bad morning cos bb surprise me with a call as soon as i reach my workplace, which was only 4am at his side, yet i was rather put down with he annouce he'll be out - again- for more of his touring around UK.

I got really devastated especially since we haven talk for a while now, and my definition of talk exclude those of " had you eaten?", i felt the strong bond we once held were decreasing each day as i seem to get lesser of him each day. Despite his words abt the special pplace i have in his heart, it was often not verify since he promises to call last night and despite me waiting up till abt 2 am, he did not call.

The same situation repeats itself now, he went out early morning promising to call me as and when he can, and i anticipate each call to come, only to find myself in dismay as he would have probably delay to the specific time we have agreed on - 8pm at night.

i dun understand how a guy cannot tink out of the box and understand it will do good to make the extra effort to call up his gf and check on her at times both had not agreed on.

And dun come blaming me that i did not take the initiative instead cos i did.

hai, dunno why i m frustrated over him today, in fact, i tink i dread next weekend to come cos he'll probably dumped me like he did this week.

Long distance relationship is so hard to maintain- especially wit a 7hrs difference, a within-the-box tinking bf, and his agenda full of places to visit.

=(

""""stop existing and start living"""" MJ

first week into Merlion! successfully build up a database from scratch, there were many rejection, but mostly was fine if i speed up my conversation, i can successfully say the following sentence and confirm all the information in less than 30 seconds.


"morning! i am calling from ~~~~, this is kristal speaking may i know who is that on the line... *pause for reply* could i please verify some information to update my company record? *pause for a "yes"* is your address ..... telephonenumber... fax number...... company official website to be.....is ..... your financial manager?.... does his contact number remains as ..... direct fax number to be.... e-mail address to be.... could there be other way i can get to perhaps his secretary?... that will be all, thank you sooooooo much for your time.. good bye...


wahahha.. try to do it as fast as me.... next step will be convincing them to listen to the proposal we have in hand, if its goes well they will pay $2000+++ for a course, our lawyer will conduct their workshop... all will be well, then we'll proceed with our next conference.. and the whole process repeats itself..

blah blah.. ranting on and on.. bb enjoying himself... we spoke last evening, last night, this morning, this evening... wahaha.. sticky le... \

muackx. for those jealous, WHATEVER/. for those with blessing... hehe.. thanks =)

its marks exactly one week since bb and i last spend time tgr, i miss him sooooooooo much.







bb going back to birmingham already, den he will have connection and we can skype a little more.







Both of us finally have calling cards, my calling card works by being cheaper if we talk longer and bb card charges per min, even a few seconds call are round up to 6 min. so whenever i randomly feel like i got to have a part of my sweet silly stinky sleepyhead, i'll call those golden numbers.









44-7**-7***-7**. i can totally remember that by heart already, this shows how much u matters to me bb..









had a long talk with Pau today abt life and bf, reflected on our behavior that may make us suck as gf, i got to improve on mine and Pau will continue on her journey to sourcing to the "final" good one that she can admit she wanna spend a longer time with.







i told my colleagues about bb today, they are suggesting who will be the bridesmaid and who will be the bridegroom if i married sweet silly stinky sleepyhead. haha...









Bb, do u know every one arounds me know about u, including those who have yet to see u.... cant wait for u to return home so i can round up all the new friends and proudly introduce you to them as my silly pok-pok...






Yawnx... its past 12am now.. probably 5pm at his side..

muackx bb... i miss u super-any-frangi-lipsticks-espli-any-lotion much.....



hugx for u and kiss on the forehead *muackx*

First quarrel since he left for uk, a complete different person in my eye. We had a small arguement, and instead of the usual talk-it-out till we are both ok, he hang up on me.



He started slanging his english, i was filled with disgust, what is with a guy flying off to uk for 365days yet 5 days into his uk journey he was like a completely different guy, losing that charm that had first made him attractive.



i am feeling so sensitive these days very irritating this days, he is travelling, exploring the new world he is in yet i am stuck in this lonely country, all the fears we talk about me losing him grow each and every day, and on the other end he is enjoying himself...



i am losing it, we haven had a trash talk since 5 days ago, bb is always outside i dun wan to talk heart-to-heart with him with his cousin around.




Bad things are happening around the house. People are leaving the house out of disagreement. i hate my life each and every day. hate the loneliness and the feeling of being abandon and not having the bb i use to know talk to me and console me.



as usual, my sadness are directly converting into hateness.

Miss bb today.. work was tired, we finally get our chance to call up company to update the company contact details so the marketing controller can starting to sell our product and gain sponsorship.

bb called me, he got a surprise for me, a gift or something, he claim that i will be very pleased. it will be pleased he could wrap himself in present and send a parcel over to my doorstep. i told bb i miss his hug so much, and we joke a little about punishing him.. but he reminded me all have to be accumulated till he returns.

Bb.. by then i wont blame u at all.. i just really need u around.. help u shave ur moustache, fold ur clothes, hang the clothes out to dry with you, go for breakfast with your mum, watch you cut your hair, choose your clothes for you, and basically just include u in every tiny details in my life.

hope tomorrow work wont be too stressing, thanks for your continue support, unlike others who despise my low pay for a beginner, you shown me a good start for a foundation will bring me to a better prospect later on.

bb.. miss u again,.. =(

i

Wuinuk day 3

i took this picture to remind

Bb how he had ignore me over his phone. but now, i rather stare at him play the phone then not seeing him at all..

Some silly games only Bb knows how to appreciate and who bothers to patiently plays with me until i win.

i miss bb.. day 1 at work, i miss bb voice today.

bb.. do you know today work is pretty ok, quite dry but managable, what is terrible is during lunch, we had lunch at 1-2pm which is 6am at your side till 7am. By the time i walk to the food court, 20 min is gone, then i have to find a table to sit down, i was told that tissue chopping seats culture is highly recognised there, that makes me feel really uncomfortable. So i have decided to have sandwich for lunch and pack light weight food so i wont feel so sleepy after a full meal.

There was a accident today, i was eating with my new colleagues and i heard a very very loud and terryifying scream, i turn and saw this mother who was carrying a baby girl who had fainted. She looks really terrified and i was damn freaked. Turns out the baby girl toe got stucked in the escalator and it got ripped off. i was sad when i learnt about it and her scream cant seems to get off my mind. Am gonna purchase newspaper tomorrow to see if she is in great danger.

feeling damn empty. its hard to even write in details my life today cos i am missing out one a very important part.

That of you and me..,.... bb... =(

Wuinuk- day 2
*wake up at 9.30
*lunch at 12.30
*tiny bite if stomach is irritating at 3pm
*dinner at 5pm or later if deem fit
*head home alone, with one damn heavy lappy and one big but good for nutting bag



i am feeling a little well today, cos bb called this afternoon, we had a short talk, short enough to call him perhaps 10bucks for the long distance call. He was lonely, n it got me really upset for a while, bt we were both glad there are good souls out there in uk, for he manage to view man-u league homeclub, survive the chilling cold and still save 3 pounds.



i am a little worried cos bb is still down with a fever, and i miss him madly. its like for once it din matter hw much the phone bill is gonna cost him, all we wanted was to talk to each other, hear that soothing voice from the other side.



Bb joke that he took Ryan Giggs photo, loads of them for me. so in order to show my appreciation i am going to work hard to update him abt my whereabouts. Sis was saying yesterday i should tk a pic of myself as often as possible so i can show bb how i look everyday.



i was browsing the phone earlier, and i send all the msg sent by bb, short or extremely long into a folder i name "precious". den i will re-read them over and over again, reminding me of the sweet times we shared, and also look forward till bb returns and msg me again.



did a little damage earlier and rip 100 bucks off my uni-savings to get me some decent clothing for work tmr, truly hoping the job tmr will suits me to the tip so i can survive this one year with pride.



i also send out a couple of invitation, its itchyybackside this sat with chi-pau-pau and one more meetings with black hairpins Phyllis-mee-pok nxt week.



oh i miss bb again.... =(

day one about to end since bb fly off for UK. he called me twice today. once to tell me he is waiting for the luggage at the luggage belt and the other time to apologise as Holiday Inn has no wireless access..

i miss my bb soooo much... i know bb miss me alot too... when he called me.. the tone he use is very faint. its like we both have soo much to say but in order to fight back those awful tears that will pour down if we get too emotional, our words spoken are hidden with meaning.

Its this period of time i finally found the words "i Love you very much" meaningful. i finally understand why he refuses to say it each time i say it back to him. i make it a point to remind him now and then how i felt and those words others deem mushy. But its only when i hear it through the receiver than i was thanking him in my heart how he avoided saying it, cos it make sense only when he meant it.

i feel so helpless.. lonely.. i ask pau today how i am going to go to work not hearing his voice? not hearing the same reminder to eat lunch, not having someone to sit beside me in the shop and talk to me, hate me, snare at me when i work. no one to guide the shop while i pee. most importantly, no one hug me when i feel down at school, at work, no one to kiss my forehead.

this is getting emotional, got to stop again..

bb.. first day and thank god everyone is here to support me.

i love you.... miss u soooooooooooooooo much

12 hrs into bb leaving for uk...

i am feeling lost... aimlessly pretending it was all ok....

telling ppl around me it din matter...

it does..