RodKris

there are so many thoughts on mind.....

There was this time i was alone in this new school and everyone around me was a new species of human-like figure created for the purpose ofpleasing themselves and achieving their selfish aim of standing higher than any others. i was one of them.

We had stupid game of orientation, there were names like "raunchy Rachael, Dainty delvina..."i had answer like a typical mixed sch ah lian.. i was "kiasu Kristal"She was "S" something i couldn't remember, since non of us stands out like the popular girl in school...

it wasn't till we both identify ourselves as the heavier one in school that things starts to grow. Back then both of us were in the TAF club which means we had to come to school way earlier and do the stupid jog.

i learn that she was different from the other girls in school cos for once, she didn't differentiate me as the mixed sch gals to the girl sch girl

We became too familiar as friend. so much so that it was no big deal opening up to her. She was everything to me in JC cos she was my most trueful companion. Despite being the same age, i was jealouos she always make up her mind and achieve wateever she decides to do. i told her i was poor and had to work for my JC and she was damn ok about it.

There were times i was so poor i had no money for lunch, but it didn't stop us from hanging out after school. she will have no problem forking out watever money we have to get us a small packet of fries and a 50cent ice cream cone each, den we will sit by Mac and spend hours doing nuttin.

the man was a Jerk then and everything could prove it. she had a arse of a bf too. we cry together and get thru it all.

Years on, one very fine day, when i learn all the while while i quit JC and head to poly, she was down with something serious. That very night i cried like no tomorrow blaming mysel for not being by her side. I went online, bought a earring i tot will look better on no one but her. i send it to her place.

Years on again, she contacted me and told me she had enrol in NYP, i was glad we are able to hang out more often, bt some'how things are different- I was the one to ignore her, and SHE was the one to suffer"

you know sometime guilt gets you forever? when we were both in poly, i will sneak time off to chat with her and we will crash lessons to talk about nuttin. She loves her choc and i will get her the Kinda Bueno, hoping times will reverse and we are both as fat, talking about ways to slim down again. but deep inside, i was secretly jealous of her, cos i still think she has it all- a course everyone desire, a fantastic figure. i wanted to be like her

I HATE IT SO MUCH THAT I AM LIVING IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD. i dunno wat got into me but since i was brought into this world, it was all about competiting, to be the best. looking back, i wish i wasn't like this. I had all along tot money was everything and money is the only thing i hadn't got/. i got fucking preoccupied with job, pleasing my boss and getting higher pay. bt i was deeply exhausted inside, you will reach this point where you cannnot climb any further, but i was far from there. the devil inside me has so much stamina, i reach this point i ignore practically everything around me. Home was a shelter away from money and a complete waste of time. friends were a desire and a role model i wanted to become. Even those earning lesser was a role model cos they seem to enjoy watever they are doing and i wanna be them too.

Money was so much everything till my 20th birthday where i had a bad fight with Dad and leaves home, hiding in a place i wish no one finds out. That night Dad cried for me, the mand finds me, Mum drive around the area hopint to spot me. But i was just there, by the reservoir thinking and wishing i was born richer.

that period.. i lost a friend, my trust in the house, my health and a soulmate.

it ironic that years ago, when the man was still a Jerk, it was her who had to talk me out of leaving him and giving him another chance. Till date, it was the man who was talking to me to give this friendship another try.

5 months ago , i was crying river cos she told me how much she has been thru this one yr. For once, my heart ache again. I never want to take friendship seriously but i cant. SHE was the girl i swear i will treat to small fries and ice cream cone when i get richer.

yesterday i tot, since she can give her bf another try, when he was down and out. Why cant she give this friendship another try, i cried myself to bed and the man was around to make me feel better. i rehearse a million times in my head the things to blog abt in case she reads my blog. i hate her last night.

today, while i was at work, i re-rehearse another new entry to make my point to her that she was wrong. in the afternoon, i sat down, and think again and then something different pops out.

i felt guilty and painful, the ignorance she has been giving me, and i realise...............................................................................................





this was the pain i had inflicted on her too. When i got home half an hour ago, i re-compose another entry to her, and this time, it became true.

i on my lappy at 12.55pm, after hanging out with Pau-angel and the man and his friend, and type whatever i could remember during my shower.

i trash this to my cuz and she is talking to me, at 1 plus asking me if i wanna give up on this friendship. and i am crying again telling her how much she might have been thru.

Friendship is important to me and i wont give it up, even if it takes me another year to win back a friend. i will.

i cant stop crying.,. but this is not the solution