RodKris

i am feeling rather down, the confusion inside me is burning.. i have thousand of question, yet not a single one wants to be ask

he finally called, after my longest wait of 9 days. the past few days msg-ing hasn't gone well.
i kept tellinh myself things will get better when he returns, i picture so many scenarios of us enjoying when he returns.

then he finally queue enough to drop me a call, that very short conversation of 15 min ends up inhe claiming i was
- bad temper, worst than before
- get fussed up over single things he said\
- putting work with personal life
- to change my temper when he returns.

this kind of feeling are really complicated.
dear all that bother to read, imagine urself really anticipatin to meet this man u have "appoint" to officially date u after 42 days.
While he was away, u picture all that very very nice moments u two share together
Then he msg u with motivation that u are not to far from his return
Every day of anticipation = one more day of good perfect picture of him

then suddenly u are few days away from meeting him
Then the 2 of u quarrel, and argue, and cannot agree with things.
he puts off all quarrel claiming that things will get better when he returns
that he will make sure u stop being so bad-temper after he return
that he will treat u better when he returns

the truth is --- he is pushing all fault till he returns,
and u have picture all that perfect moments when he return
Does tat means i have to expect perfection when he returns?
does that means we will no longer quarrel when he returns?
the actual fact is that he is still the same old person he always is
yes distance makes the heart grew fonder,
but ultimately. the 2 of u still disagree on the same issues

i fear, for every single seconds i am nearing to meeting him, i am that closer to screwing up that perfect picture inside me

those perfect moment where he will know what exactly to do at the correct moments,
where he will make sure i no longer cry over the same dispute at work
u, we, all know that will never happen, cos he is still the same man

i wonder now, have u been hypnotizing myself to relate him to that perfect man i like?
when in actual fact he is still that guy i know contain all that flaws in him

if only i hadn't anticipate
if only he hadn't keep pushing it all till his return
if only he hadn't left
if only we hadn't met

if only things were a little simplifed.

but those are only "if only"