Some memories

Subdue into a world of moving tomorrow

Clouds may blossom into many tiny marshmellows

Thank you for being u

Cherish the gloomy day for u might not see it tomorro

and a tiny fun with dearest Jean

days has been perplexed, i've been indulging myself into nonsencial daydreaming. There were less detailed stuff like Ismail asking me back, and some intense moments of unforgettable days with Lester.

i guess life's just moves on (Jamie.. haha)/ we've sometimes got nuttin better to do than to tink about pas tense.

i miss the man, Thank you sillyboi for the countless calls to make sure u are not forgotten, and thou we've been quarrelling a few times this week, i am glad things work out in the end. It sure was an experience not seeing you for so long to come. Those nights before i slp, u were ever so sweet to drop me a msg, encourging me about tomorrow, and if it hadn't been for your determine heart, i would have drop myself into the puddle of misery.

ok, on a DIMER note, this is an experience i felt is ok to share now since its over, and Dad has assured me things are pretty fine now.......
A night with Jannity
www.darklilsecrets.blogspot.com
we met up at china town, and as usual i had to wait for her. then we went tp her house and my habit just kicked up. I packed her stuff for her, fold her closet of "no-tomorrow" clothes. we left to Chomp Chomp to meet her bf

anyway Jann and Gh had a fight and i was caught in the middle, she stomped off and i follow, we ended up at Coffee Bean for a chat and decide to head to K-garden.

For no reason, we were suddenly ask to move from the wide room to the tiny room upstair, and yes Jann and i were a lil pissed off, as we enter the tiny room. Jann decided she need the pee, so i was in the midst of singing this song from Kelly Chan "ni bu yao shuo bao qian",and all of a sudden as i was singing ,a man voice sang along with me (it appear as a shock as i was 100% sure no one else was in the room) ---> to make sure i was hearing the right thing i lowered my voice but continue to sing to the music, and this time the voice was clear, a man voice singing with me the chorus part of the music, and then i keep silence, unable to receive the shock, at this point of time i call up Jann, who had just walk in, i ask her if she could hear me from outside, she said she heard nuttin.
so what did i do? Being KRISTAL, i walk out the room and stand outside in the lounge trying to heard the voice from within. Nuttin, and the people at the lounge were busy singing some "god-knows-what" language songs.
not wanting to scare the stupid gal, i walk in and carry on singing with her till the end. We then paid for the service (stupid bill amounting to wat $60) and left the place.

okok.. i am NOT accusing K-gardens for doing anything, they might
- post us upstairs cos some large bunch of people happen to need the bigger room
- have terrible sound system that just so happen to computate some language to a man singing to my music.(remember, my music was sang at neutral tone with not pitch added, no audio help)
- put up a mini TV to set me up for some Gotcha show

haha.. so ya, told Dad about it, cos its not the frst time i have strange encounter, and should i say i deserve it when Dad goes on intoa a round of ranting for staying out till late night?
Anyway Dad mention i have a very weak "yin" or "yan" (dunno which one) energy.

and what do i say? damn the sillyboi not with me.. see la!!! one night without my boi and i kena...

booked out soon k?

Why is it us sharon?
A friendship promise forever? why
dun u ever tink i am not upset about it?
it feel so so so wrong. its like losing a real sister,
thats how dearly u are to me..

u will never know, like Cf, both of u will tink i am a cold-hearted woman.

Sharon! did u ever read my blog? Tell me u did, tell me u heard my words, those words i use on u are equally piercing through my heart

Just that day after the testimonial u send me, i finally pick up the courage to sms u thank you. And even jean told me i was doing the right thing, but now? u might yet again tink i am a evil girl. i dun care! cos we promise to go through this together, but will u still do the same thing?

Your bf is a good guy, who wants to help u, and as usual he said those word thats make me even worst, what "if i cannot forgive u over such silly matters then our friendship is not consider strong!"

i guess he means it, i din wan to say it, but those words makes me so so upset, so i told him the same thing "ya,,, maybe its really not so strong. She betray other...... .,(some confidential stuff) the friendship is really not strong for her to do something for me.

Sharon u know why i am so upset for so long? i dunno what to do! i cant just forgive u like that!! because to begin with - u did the shoes without my knowledge! u should tell me! we dun hide secret!
So what did i freaky do? i told u to join me and even promise u profit. Then now u are telling me u will strive better off somewhere with CF. and Goodness gracious me i had no slightest idea where u are "striving" too..

and i cannot forgive u for this tiny misunderstading so that proves our friendship is not strong?!~ what can i say?
NO
NO... the friendship is not strong

or

YES
yes,... the friendship is not strong?

they both mean the same-=== that the friendship is not strong!

WHY?!~ why force me to give u an answer just when i am ready to give this friendship another try?
yet again, this time its worst, Sharon tell me in the face if u will like to see this long years friendship get ruin over some fucking shit?


did u ever consider my feelings?
Sharon tell me !!! when u get upset over some silly stuff and avoided my calls, my msg and e-mails, DID U EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS?

how did i win u back then? HOW LONG DID I TRY?

and now, I AM FORCE TO GIVE AN ANSWER FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP

let me tell u this-
THERE IS NOT ANSWER IF A FRIENDSHIP CAN LAST

because it TAKES 2 HANDS TO CLAP!


u tell me to accept the fact that love comes before friendship- SO I DID
then now u wan me to accept that money is impt to u- SO I DID
but did u give me more time LIKE U PROMISE to make me determine to give our friendship another chance? NO I DUN SEE IT<<




SHARON READ MY BLOG!!! u will never do it ,i dun even tink u rememebr the address here. So many years, tried so hard, each time u broke those Kristal's heart, i mend it back..
When will u ever make ur effort?

......... do u tink she will ever get to read this anyway!!!!!

i am FUMING AFFECTED BY THIS THING!!!!!!! ITS KILLIN ME~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyone ? Anyone!!!!!!!

Anyone realise i haven blog since 123213124325 days ago!!!

who are u u u u u u simone!!!! (i bet i know)

where is the globe spinning to today?

in spit of fire i call my slave
no doubt they cry, since yesterday
i summon the clown to brighten the sun
through ball they juggle, thru something they thought was fun,,

how poetic is that? pure nonsence!!! i come up with funny poems.. and i dun understand how it happens.. some more

no Celina birthday could mean more fun
without Chris little secret, been planned for months
with help of his elves ~ the Anex dark-side gang
they come up with candles, with funny tunes they sang

see?!~ more nonsence!!!! its easy.. i will teach u how
come up with a word-- e.g Sun
replace the first alphabet with letter A~Z
so u have
Aun~~~ aunt
Bun~~~~ bun
C~~~ cun
Dun~~ i dunno!!
F~~ FUn
Gun~~ Gun
Hun~~ compreh~un ( as in comprehend la)
Kun~~ kant AKA cant
..
.
..

easy ? then put them into stupid sentence.
for e.g

Si jia was smirking, holding a gun\
while Xinyi shouted "help" running to her aunt

easy?!~! BIngo!! now u know why people respect famous poetic! they simply play with ABC everyday.. so respesct me la!

-.-"

its mid past 12 and i am stuck!! in a total amazing mood to carry on studying! i am all stressed up as work today's been busy and i haven had the cheek to be assure i am well prepared!

gosh! i need the motivation! (thank you B, for the continuos sms of motivation. and damnit for the low battery -.-")

study study was all i could think of for this night! i wasn;t prepard to fall aslp, and the only was to prevent myself from doing it was to eat and feel really guilty about it. To tink i skip dinner, and now i am heating up some leftovers for supper! What does that makes me?

-- a glutton who wont have the cheek to afford few more pounds of weight becase of her strange eating habits!

And B's on a outfield, i am motivate to study for this sweet baby, he's so dearly, constantly msg me and motivating me, telling me it'll all be over before i realise it! He also leave me to study and call me on the dot hours later to remind me to take a rest! Gosh, anyone has a better guy?

haha. and it was damn chaotic at work, i almost lost control at the blasting base of the damn it ERIC "houndstooth" f@#$@#king music. he blast it like there's no tomorro! my heartbeat beats twice as fast! i had a series of headache trying to concentrate on the lecture notes instead. Curse his sound blaster fell on the ground due to the vibration it creates! i'll be the first monkey to laugh my hearts out.
Anyway he pissed me off this timre really bad, i called up the maintainence security who was apparently off-duty, so dun he dare try again the next time i work there cos i ain't gonna let this exhibitionist get away it! Curse him some more!

And now i need a serious break, more workload tomorroe and i've gotta get ready for the Java paper instead! and the only thing i look forward too are:
-B's book out
-Napfa training with darling gal (cos exercise relax ur mind)
-more stayover with my cuzzies
-hopefully some more act of care from Sharon
-outing with Denise, Jannity and Xue li
-my TnD gym visit!

life's been hard, but seriously getting better, especially since i've convinced myself to fake smiles everytime i felt really pissed. It work and sometimes i could almost feel those smiles were real. And still they still share their little dark secret but it ain't bothering me anymore. I spend more time telling myself secret, of the little care i receive from those people i did not reveal. Is that selfish? Dun tink so.

Anyway was proud of myself today for the stupid entrepreneuship idea i tot of today. This was perhaps also the little dream i'be always have. a school which teaches good girls to be good girls and lady to be super lady. love it!

Been msg-ing B like no tomorrow. He was greatful and thank me for my constant support. What really touched me was an incident nights ago.

So apparently B has outfied the next day (on sat night) and his camp is like a bus journey away from my place. So Dad agree to let B stayover at my place and he will take the upper bunk, i'l take the lower bunk and my sister will take the mattress on the floor.

Then whilst his shower, his phone rang and i boldy picked it up, only to hear a lady's voice lookig for him.
When he retrun from the shower, we had a arguement about who she was, she was an old classmates who he chance upon that afternoon while on his way tp fetch me. OBVIOUSLY as a girl i wont trust him, even though he say i can call Figo to ask (that friend we hang out with) ..

that was the truth, that girl was an old classmate. But being stupid and all, ( in the middle of the night at freaking 2pm.. his outfield starts at 7.45!!!) i make a big fuss out of it, sayign it was unfair to me and this and that. Of course that pissed him off, we were both tired but i wasn;t ready to give in.

Than B had enough, he climb up his bed and lied there.. that action pissed me instantly, i was DAMN angry he din do anything to humour me. so i sat on my bed and stare.. and then start crying in silence.

about 15 mins later, he climbed down the bed and sat next to me, i hide my face in the pilow and refuse to acknowledge him. until he took my hand, put my phone in it and waited in patient while i hesitate and finally browse thru.

There was a msg saying "Sorry, i should not have make a big fuss out of nothing"

it was the sweetest msg from anyone, especially from someone who obviously did nuttin wrong.

ok. being more stupid, i refuse to reply that msg. He soon gave up and went back to his bed (it was freaking reachin 3pm then)

i sat there.. tinking more and drying my tear. Finally i whisper to him
"... you still awake?"

B:" (startled and shook the whole bed, stick out his head in the darkness and asked me) huh. ya.. why?"

me:" nuttin. i am sorry.. good night".... ( i am a ass!!!!!!!!!!!)

B:" you silly gal.// good night"

then we talk no more and fall into deep slp. Next morning my dad woke me up and i climb up and woke him up instead. we were perfectly normal by then.

See the power of apology??? he did it on sms, i say it out. It was a same move done differently, but the outcome is equally positive. =)

i tink i am more mature now ( or am i?)

The cousin stayover!

Why we love Raymond (cuz call him ray, or Kwa leng leng) -
-cute
-representive of s-league singapore (paid to play football)
-loves quiet gals, fair skin
-solemn and smart
-grows 2 times taller in 2 years time ( he use to be around my shoulder!)
-cute and REALLY gentlemen

Why we love Cuz (i TOTALLY love her- more than anything else in the world, about the level of grandma)
-we grew up together
-we noe each other DARKEST secret
-we share the same panties
- we dun share the same bra (her is tiny,.. oops!~)
-we share the same bed (each time i visit her house)
- we noe each other's bf (like TOTALLY)
-too much to tell.. we eat each other's leftover! ( as in i take the egg white she settles on the egg yoke)

Why we love Remsten
-lives half of his life in Australia
-loves Rugby
-stand tall
-has a way with all gals
-dress smart, really good at clothing
- a top man Man
-loves mummy

Why we love Kristal
-easy, cos ya reading her blog


Cuz and i practically live together, we plan our future route together, her mum, which is my aunt, loves us all the same

and we are SO CLOSE we travel aboard together, seriously, everyone envy the bond we share as cousin, since like God knows how long again
And this time Rem knows Ray crave some scratching done

Cuz and i live off each other, my first pay was use to buy a gift for her,
her first pay means a treat for me

Raymond Vivien and REmsten

more Raymond vivien and REmsten

Raymond and Vivien, no they are not siblings



okok.. i admit.. i miss the baby boy

Thanks to ONE F@#$@#$@# outfield trip

B has got real swollen hands (which are back to skinny hands now=)

he has got funny swell on his neck (which looks like love bites now)

even his fingers are not spared (which are gone too =)

Thank you for the delicious breakfast u made for me..

seeing u at work just makes me feel so so so fufiled


B was so sweet.. ringing the door bell early in the mornig (not exactly early but as early as every one else left the house and i was still sleeping)
he came in and got straight to work, cooking, frying.. and there u have my instand noodle with scramble egg.. i was like a princess.. sitting there watching Doremon while he serve. What did he gets in the end?

When it was about time to cook his own share. We were almost late for my work.. so he basically swallow it all down. haha.. i also gave him the black face for making me late.. in the end? another tiny arguement. But it all went well when we decide to apologise u noe?

Life's been hard.. we hardly met, i handle all issues by myself, of course with the help of so many others..

i am learning to smile.. and it makes me lighter.. the reward is his visit at every book out.

Just hours ago he booked out at 9 plus, and i ended up eating my "dinner" at 10 plus.. in order to apologise he order my favourite, basically bring food in tiny portion onto my plate! haha.. it makes me laugh seeing him so sincere.. sometimes i wonder where his egoistic's gone to..

before we end the day, with my mummy standin at the door and i bidding him good night.. he once again apologise for being late.

What an amazing dinner.. i feel lighter despite the heavy dinner!!!

Paulin say:" Hang in there babe, i know life can be tough somtimes, i feel like that almost everyday, yet i have to smile like everything's alright, once you put on that fake smile everyday, you might be able to convince yourself that the smile might just come from within. Hang in there, that's what i am doing too"

And while i was demoralising myself, there several million people out there worrying about stuff million times worst than mine. But they found a way to handle it.. so am i..

Xue Shan says each time she hear from me or read my blog, i seem to pile yet another heavy load onto myself. Apel also mention i am one person who read into negative tots.

i wanna change.. so i am giving thanks now before i convert into a happy clown.

Thank you God:
- for the friends who still stay by
- for the friends who choose to keep secrets from me, i learn to mind my own business, and learn to stay far away from you all too..
- for the people who choose to leave me out, i learn i shal keep my privacy away from you people too
- for the people who tell me to ignore them (* thank you hai^er)
- for the people who wants me to cheer myself up (* thank you darling gal)
- for a guy who stand by me.. upset when he cannot cheer me up, laugh when i felt stupid, apologise when i feel like crying.. B
- for the friend who warn me against danger but left me a choice to choose.. Samuel
- for the 17 years of cousinship.. slap me awake from the ignorance i receive .. cuz
- for the pain she put me thru, but still wan the best for her.. Sharon
- for the darlin in her.. Denise

Goodbye to these:
- depression
- hiding in silence
- being left out

Random---->

Drew this at work.. too bored..
i wanted to draw this that time when i join 182 and xy at seletar dampthis imagin finally got portray into a picture

The me

i am writing this entry halfheartening!!! a combination of concentration and confusion are poised into me and desperately need that bit of air to breathe >o<

Readers! do me a BIG favour.. leave a tag to voice your opinion..

Another day of work has passed and i so look forward to meetin the man for a good dinner. We sat by cine and had our dinner with the best friend0 Darren and all of a sudden we saw Samuel

*Samuel is my old sec sch fren who stand by me and scold me awake the 1st time i ditch B cos he was kinda cheating on me

Samuel said hi and stopped by for a chat with the look of "what-on-earth-are-you-doing-seeing-with-B" look.
i was petrified. not wanting to say anithing, i smiled weakly and did not say much. Samuel and the guys had a long chat like old time friend (they were old time friend!)

Until i left for home and Sam msg me asking how come i'll have decide to hang back with that Jerk ( i mean B this time) again? i dinno how to explain or convinced him. So i told Sam the truth of how i was treating him like dirt for half a year and how he still stick by. Sam retaliate by saying time is never a factor and i should have know better than him what was going to happen to me hanging around with B.
i told Sam i tot by testing how long he's gonna stay by me i should have already proven his sincerity, furthermore, its not as if the feeling are not there.. it always is around. Sam told me i should consider this whole thing carefully again and not commit the same mistake once more. i was not feeling as disheartening but couldn't helped not getting influenced by what this friend who has support me before ( and bring me to my feet again). At that point of time i was weak.
i know my feeling for B is growig every day. And what i agree to Zhi Hao (a.k.a the real JeRk i always call), by stickig with B wil definitely means more quarrel for us. But quarrel has not been a big factor for me and B. He took them as a lesson to improve on how to treat me better. at least thats wat i was told.
i dun wan to disagree with Samuel.. but i cant help getting influenced by him. i was cheated by him before. Jerk told me the decision is in my hand cos i am in the BEST shoe to decide what's the best for me. thats makes me more confused now..

here;s the plan
dear reader pls advise on my following action:
- should i voice out to B about this thing?
- will B gets upset over it?
- should i write him a letter? i wanna express sone stuff includig how i cannot take being fooled, i will tell him if he tinks he's gonna fool me i beg him to back out now then to see me get upset. Even if it means out of sympathy. i wan him to know that i cannot tk any more pain. At least not for now or this few years,, have seen too much..
- will telling him that most of the old freind are against me hanging out with him (cos his record is soo bad) affect him.. will it upset him?



help me k/... answer my enquiries

p/s: comment on my drawin too thanks =P

Been gettin all emotional.. but i enjoy today's NE education.. haha..
it relate to me soooo much... Cos thats what poor B's been doing all this while..

Especially those talks on SOC (standard obstacle Course), IPPT (morning exercise), BMTC (the bunk they slp in), outfield (what my poor man is currently doing)

And of course today's been really worthwhile.. talking to Elaine like i'm a Guru in broken relationship. Haha.. just that i can feel it when she share her story with me.. anyway the ultimate choice is theirs.

- i remember how i felt so lost cos so many people help me, it just seems so wrong not to heed their advice, thou thats the correct way to handle things. Sometimes u noe u will rather be lied at, thats when the correct is not valid

i told myself i can suggest solution from the +ve and -*ve view, then leave them to choose.. cos 3/4 of the time they already had the decision in their mind.. waiting for u to hit bull eye.

today's has been normal, my mind's been flooded with excuses or rather, ways to rephrase those same old sentence to explain to the boss regarding the loan i've been keeping for almost half a year now.

What happen was (i believe all of u know by now i borrowed $1000 from the boss to pay my school fees) i finally manage to stress my DAD (which include a few nights of not talking, he sitting by the sofa thinking of how life has been hard, and me weeping to bed cos i make him feel so bad of himself) to die die come up with $1000.. i was waiting for the right chance to give it back to the Boss when he once again, return from some silly over sea trips.

of course Luck was NEVER on my side, at least not for now. I received the ever UGLY white envelope with the wording ever so familiar. it appear as a shock ( a really bad one indeed) to my entire family cos we've thought we had already settle my fees till graduation.

So apparently Dad has to pay yet another $1050 for my school fees (and another $1100 for my brother's) i was damn devastated but told myself it might be a mistake.

The truth appear when i confirm it with my classmates. So now, i have to, but no choice, bring my thickiest skin to speak to the boss to delay payment.

Freddy the boss has been so good to me.. he has told me million of times to forget about the loan, we are talking about $1000 mind u!! i just cannot do it.. i rather not tk pay and work labour free for a year then not return the money. Dad says he's been working lotsa of OT this few month, and shall have enough BONUS to pay back the boss by December.

Well, on a happier note =) (lets forget sad stuff)
B's away on a 3 days outfield and he's being the nicest, msg me all sorts of concerning sms we hadn;t sent for a long time.

he reminded me to put education first and if i cannot make it on time to meet him this Friday, he'll wait till my project is done before we meet. Whcih is like impossible.. EAIPJ!!!!

anyway something disturbing happen thou, apparently B's close friend msg me (something not very worth any disturbance) but got me feelin uncomfortable.. B also question why he'll msg me instead (obviously cos B's away on outfield and he cant reach him right?)

anyway the feeling will go off soon.. i miss B already!! Damn.. i'm like attached to him la.. mind u all i am still SINGLE k? (thou i knwo deep inside.. i .. hahaha.... dun tell u -.-")

anyway i've been spending most of today making more DKrisS ..... Now that she's not in anymore,, the motivation lessen.. but shall not put me down.. visit www.dkriss.blogspot.com

Dad drag me and sister to watch National Geographic documentary on Channel Central..
this is a compulsory activity we do since young..
Dad says such documentary are not those we can buy with money, so all the more we should see them.. Today's topic is on possessed from God .,.

well, at least it's better than tiger eating horse (Dad's all time favourite)
better than the fatter the better (in this part of india, really gross)
better than the give birth alive ( in this part of india too, education@!!)
better than witchcraft ( a little creepy thou)
better than sacrification (hate this the most, i lost sleepless nights)

i've just successfully boast a few that Dad's force us to see that left pretty deep impression for me.. i took some pic of the documentary for u guys..

anyway Art central, everyday 10pm.. nice documentary..

receive a Special card from a very special some1 today:

Needless to say the card was so cute i actually imagine it to be a wedding invitation card in the first place

i was astonished, yet upset.. is this someting to keep me awake?

ok. upset Kristal reads the card, the content was so surprising!

it brings this tiny smile on her face... as she read on

it motivate her, yet brings out a little humour

You've made it!!! You've cheer Kristal up!!!

Thank You Xue Shan/// You made me day, okok.. my weeks

and i simply love your card to bits!!

can you believe it? She handmade it TOTALLY by herself.. its so so so special cos i haven receive one in 3000 years... i softly touch the edges of all the picture, imagining the effort she must have put through.. T_T

Thank you Xue Shan, its been very very very kind of you, i know i shouldn't let my emotion tk control but this few days has been the lowest.

and still yesterday i was sulking again about my school fees, how much loan i need to pay up this time...

But ur card make me feel so motivated, like there are nuttin that can bring me down totally..

next time, if ever this day come i am so so so happy, i will grab ur hand and dance and hop around... like i always wanted to do with someone that once made my day.. okok.. my weeks..

Thank you Xue Shan.. =)