Tonight after 11.59pm my phone will most definitely remind me that i have official embark on the journey towards third/final trimester. It has been a whirlwind of events leading up to this and while i am glad to be counting down till the end of it all, i am not sure if i will miss this feeling of being pregnant.
I know its my second pregnancy so for so many of my friends/family, there is no excitement to this. We planned for this baby, we worked for it, embarresse to share how we #ttc but it has alot to do with monitor your fertility chart, taking temperature, stocking up on pregnancy test kit & ovulation kit.
#ttc is not a fun journey, despite how we "reminded" ourselves to take it easy and let nature takes its course. you know deep down roughly just weeks since your last menses that its time to babydance. All in all, its a no excitement journey leading to the successful 2 lines on the test stripes, and once you finally embark on the pregnancy journey, you look back and wonder had it been done more momentarily, would it then spell fun?
Anyhow, why am i complaining right? i have #ttc for almost 11 months especially as soon as the lunar calendar started for a piglet baby. God knows but the thought just came to me - i have always had a thing for piglet, always associating them with being abundantly blessed with luck without as much as lifting a finger. Rodman - on the other hand - never really had a definite thought on this matter. He was always game to expand the family, and we were both not that sort of person who worries too much about getting on in age and wanting to get the deal over and done soon. HEck, we were immersing in the joy of seeing Sonia grow into such a fine young lady that it never really did occur to us that we will get the same sort of luck if another baby comes along.
There were many things i had done repeatedly with both pregnancy, with the intention to be "blessed" with the baby spell again . One thing in particular will remain a mystery to you and me - as much as it did to those who learnt of this encounter while i am in it. Back in November 2016 when i discover i was pregnant on the pregnancy kit, it was a month after Rodman& i planned a major major oversea trip that encompasses both our families to Taiwan.
It was a 12 days long trip that really really give us zero change to babydance, i had suffer a miscarriage just 2 months back, due to a medical condition that render me unfit for pregnancy. Nevertheless, Rodman intention for the trip was to bond both families since we have dated and been married for a while. Whereas for me, it was a trip to cleanse myself off the evil luck that shall lurk around me since my operation/ miscarriage. During this trip, the driver/tour guide brought us into a 妈祖 temple that was really just a practice any local will do when they have visitors from oversea.
You see, i - like any other singapore citizen- am a huge fan of Taiwan variety show. My family and i are particular fans of strange encounter/ghost story sharing shows that are usually aired on TV near midnight and when the setting is so right you get very very affected by the encounter the star share. It is during watching shows like this that i gain all the knowledge i have of the different deities around the world that locals worship. In this case, i was very familiar with 妈祖娘娘 by the time i made this trip to Taiwan, knew of her presence & her strong influence in Taiwan. Not paying too much attention, and just watching how my parents & parents-in-law did their prayers, i played along and made a small contribution. It really wasnt big of a deal because the rest of the trip remain as it is and we all made it back to singapore and live happily ever after.
By november 2016, after we tried really hard on #ttc and suffer the miscarriage, i was really no longer keen to be harping on this baby matter. i was darn focus on leading a healthy life after finally removing the tumor that has been bugging me since 2012, then we were greeted by surprise with the news of Sonia's arrival. Strangely, ever since that day whenever something happen (be it during my pregnancy or when Sonia is a baby/toddler), something deep down inside me found a deep guilt towards that particular visit to that particular temple in Taiwan. I wouldnt say i am not a devotee to local deities and i most certainly pray and worship like every Singaporean would do - it just really puzzle me that inkling feeling of NEEDING to head back to that temple doesnt really go away.
Fast forward to 2019, when the opportunity strikes again to visit Taiwan thanks to work, i didnt hesitate one bit to propose to Rodman to join me alongside this trip post-meeting so i can make a visit to THAT temple. by this point, my parents would have heard of my very determine intention to revisit that temple and supported & back my decision. Mum even hinted since i was back to trying for a 2nd baby, this trip might just be God- sent.
and it was, becuase like you all know now i am finally expecting another baby this November, which works out just like it did the very first time - i got conceived AS SOON AS we return from that Taiwan trip, my heart was darn sure it a positive before the line even show up on the strip, 2 day BEFORE my menses was due. It ain't no miracle, but i was darn sure i will be planning for a trip back to Taiwan when 2nd baby is old enough to travel.
If by now you are thinking that i might have "ask for it" on both occasions - i did not. My heart cannot lie for sure, but as i was praying i never once did straight out mention i was hoping to get conceived. I guess we can all agree that God knows what we want without even specifying it, so i can tell you now you dont need to state your address and name & DOB while praying because them Deities know it already hahhaa.
This post has drag from sharing my last 2nd trimester to marking down this strange encounter that i have experience both pregnancy, i guess i just want to mark it down that alot of things in life are not based on our own luck, but sincerity does move mountain and things might change when you dont realize it.
Here's onward to final trimester let's go!
Friday, August 30, 2019
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
2nd trimester & SUPER full of emotions
27aug2019
It was a bad night last night, the fact that i am now done with the dreaded quarterly sales meeting presentation only meant the realization of being alone in this familiar place is finally setting in.
i return from a 5 days work trip last week to Phuket, my 5 trip there in the last 6 years. I was on autopilot mode - as usual- to become that fun person who can stay thru the night chatting with colleague or just being exceptionally welcoming of any ideas they suggest or threw out. Basically, having been working for a while now only meant you truly understand the concept of working harmoniously - u join, you create fun and you tailor your behavior to see others pleasantly. It gets better with time and soon its a natural auto pilot mode that i am now very capable of doing.
Nights in hotel room are also no longer that scary, usually i will set the pillows to align with my sleeping position, then make sure the lights are dim but visibly less scary. The TV are turn on through the night, and the toilet light fully lighted so imma pee without overthinking. I've done this countless times by now - a far cry from the times i started travelling alone and carrying travel lock to ensure the hotel room door stay shut.
i digress .... so i got back to SGP and was immediately greeted by Sonia and Rodman and everything just fell right into place - i was that Mummy Sonia need, and that pregnant Mummy Rodman could pamper. Sonia and i were both sick so i had to take care of her more and ensure she recover well before the start of another week. Monday came and we sent her to school together - it was the first in such a long time that fear upon reaching her school gate becomes eerily familiar again.
Sonia held onto me the whole car journey to school, she refuse her baby seat and i refuse to part with her small body, she held onto my arm thru the journey and had not spoken much, it was too early in the morning to have fun so i laid in silence with her, occasionally asking her random question to see if she had fallen back asleep. As we carry her near her sschool gate, she defiantly refuse to hand over her ah-ah (pacifier), next thing she broke into small tears which affected me. We handed her over to LaoShi anyway, and when LaoShi directed her to say bye-bye to Rodman and me, she went on full mode crying which means I was crying too..
Oh gosh, what an embarressing sight! Sonia's started school for 6 months now and i am still the train wreck of a weak Mummy and had it not been for my Mum, who knows how long i was going to reenact this emotional send off every morning? Anyhow, i hurried into the car and by then i saw that Laoshi had once again outdo her magic and Sonia wasnt crying no more. Rodman and i then set off
to work /reservist which also meant i had 2 more weeks of being separated from my husband, after the initial week in Thailand that flew by.
I mean, i am usually very used to this by now you know. Travelling for work, sleeping in hotel room
and looking forward to the time apart from my other half. I dont get myself too why this week seems to hit me harder than the other times. Was it cos i am pregnant (IT WAS DEFINITELY COS i am pregnant lah damn those hormones). I was feeling more alone that usual and it just doesnt get easier. I set the week ahead and plans for meetups with my girlfriends but the dread feeling of actually heading out is still hard to bear.
i cry so much on the drive home from work, now suffering from the post trauma of overcrying and
am suffering a really severe headache. I came home after dinner with Bestie to the house with the fan on, the lights on - just the way i left them. i saw my water bottle standing on the Kitchen island proudly EMPTY just the way i dump it when i got home hours before. i saw the cups i have drank from the afternoon still half filled and ready for a wash. Then the thought that i had taken it all for granted hit me so so hard and i begin to cry again. I cried in the shower, while washing them cup and when i open the fridge to see snacks but refuse to bite into them.
I turn my head and saw the jar of water Rodman boiled from the morning and was so so so glad there is still water to drink and cry again cos i am so so touched that he made small gesture like this everyday and i just grew to accept them as part of my everyday life. In my head i question if i had eaten my natal viamins and then trigger more tears as Rodman place them bottles right before my water bottle fully filled wit water every morning so i wont missed eating any. My husband does all of this things that i truly appreciate in every living day of my married life and i dont ever show my appreciation that way i truly felt inside.
The hormonal change are killing me more inside and then baby starting rolling and kickin my tummy and i cried in happiness that i am not exactly alone. We spent the night together, with me rolling and forcing myself to sleep while baby continue to kick inside. I try not to look at the other side of the King size bed where Rodman would usually be snoring away or when Sonia will held onto my arms tightly as she sleep through the night. It was the first night of the next 9 nights sleepnig alone and i decided today was a good day to rant them feelings but embrace the freedom for the next few nights.
Needless to say, it was day of self reflection and i am more thankful than ever that i am married to a perfect man whom took such great care of me. I reminded myself to think backof this crying day whenever i am angry or piss at him that it actually isnt too big of a deal than ever losing him. Because we are together and because i dont just love Rodman, but i needed Rodman more than i ever thought i would need.
It was a bad night last night, the fact that i am now done with the dreaded quarterly sales meeting presentation only meant the realization of being alone in this familiar place is finally setting in.
i return from a 5 days work trip last week to Phuket, my 5 trip there in the last 6 years. I was on autopilot mode - as usual- to become that fun person who can stay thru the night chatting with colleague or just being exceptionally welcoming of any ideas they suggest or threw out. Basically, having been working for a while now only meant you truly understand the concept of working harmoniously - u join, you create fun and you tailor your behavior to see others pleasantly. It gets better with time and soon its a natural auto pilot mode that i am now very capable of doing.
Nights in hotel room are also no longer that scary, usually i will set the pillows to align with my sleeping position, then make sure the lights are dim but visibly less scary. The TV are turn on through the night, and the toilet light fully lighted so imma pee without overthinking. I've done this countless times by now - a far cry from the times i started travelling alone and carrying travel lock to ensure the hotel room door stay shut.
i digress .... so i got back to SGP and was immediately greeted by Sonia and Rodman and everything just fell right into place - i was that Mummy Sonia need, and that pregnant Mummy Rodman could pamper. Sonia and i were both sick so i had to take care of her more and ensure she recover well before the start of another week. Monday came and we sent her to school together - it was the first in such a long time that fear upon reaching her school gate becomes eerily familiar again.
Sonia held onto me the whole car journey to school, she refuse her baby seat and i refuse to part with her small body, she held onto my arm thru the journey and had not spoken much, it was too early in the morning to have fun so i laid in silence with her, occasionally asking her random question to see if she had fallen back asleep. As we carry her near her sschool gate, she defiantly refuse to hand over her ah-ah (pacifier), next thing she broke into small tears which affected me. We handed her over to LaoShi anyway, and when LaoShi directed her to say bye-bye to Rodman and me, she went on full mode crying which means I was crying too..
Oh gosh, what an embarressing sight! Sonia's started school for 6 months now and i am still the train wreck of a weak Mummy and had it not been for my Mum, who knows how long i was going to reenact this emotional send off every morning? Anyhow, i hurried into the car and by then i saw that Laoshi had once again outdo her magic and Sonia wasnt crying no more. Rodman and i then set off
to work /reservist which also meant i had 2 more weeks of being separated from my husband, after the initial week in Thailand that flew by.
I mean, i am usually very used to this by now you know. Travelling for work, sleeping in hotel room
and looking forward to the time apart from my other half. I dont get myself too why this week seems to hit me harder than the other times. Was it cos i am pregnant (IT WAS DEFINITELY COS i am pregnant lah damn those hormones). I was feeling more alone that usual and it just doesnt get easier. I set the week ahead and plans for meetups with my girlfriends but the dread feeling of actually heading out is still hard to bear.
i cry so much on the drive home from work, now suffering from the post trauma of overcrying and
am suffering a really severe headache. I came home after dinner with Bestie to the house with the fan on, the lights on - just the way i left them. i saw my water bottle standing on the Kitchen island proudly EMPTY just the way i dump it when i got home hours before. i saw the cups i have drank from the afternoon still half filled and ready for a wash. Then the thought that i had taken it all for granted hit me so so hard and i begin to cry again. I cried in the shower, while washing them cup and when i open the fridge to see snacks but refuse to bite into them.
I turn my head and saw the jar of water Rodman boiled from the morning and was so so so glad there is still water to drink and cry again cos i am so so touched that he made small gesture like this everyday and i just grew to accept them as part of my everyday life. In my head i question if i had eaten my natal viamins and then trigger more tears as Rodman place them bottles right before my water bottle fully filled wit water every morning so i wont missed eating any. My husband does all of this things that i truly appreciate in every living day of my married life and i dont ever show my appreciation that way i truly felt inside.
The hormonal change are killing me more inside and then baby starting rolling and kickin my tummy and i cried in happiness that i am not exactly alone. We spent the night together, with me rolling and forcing myself to sleep while baby continue to kick inside. I try not to look at the other side of the King size bed where Rodman would usually be snoring away or when Sonia will held onto my arms tightly as she sleep through the night. It was the first night of the next 9 nights sleepnig alone and i decided today was a good day to rant them feelings but embrace the freedom for the next few nights.
Needless to say, it was day of self reflection and i am more thankful than ever that i am married to a perfect man whom took such great care of me. I reminded myself to think backof this crying day whenever i am angry or piss at him that it actually isnt too big of a deal than ever losing him. Because we are together and because i dont just love Rodman, but i needed Rodman more than i ever thought i would need.
Monday, August 06, 2018
To Baby S & S Mummy
Hello baby S,
you are not mine, or ours but we care so much for you, and even more for your mummy & Daddy that we have known since the dawn of times.
You are a miracle, you were the project your Mummy had so cautiously crafted, and you were adore by many of us even before we seen you. When we did gather to see you for the first time, none of us had the heart to hold you first because you are so delicate, so precious & so perfect. You are still the perfect human your Mummy had painstakingly endure months of pregnancy for.
Dear baby, on that day i held you for the short moments of bonding before i had to give others a chance to greet you, you had help your jie jie because that week i pump even more milk than i ever did in the past months just thinking about your tiny smile, your deep double eye lid & your soft skin. You cannot tell then but we were all super excited to finally meeting you, and also to finally see your Mum beaming with pride on her pretty achievement.
I have known your Mummy for a long time, i didnt know her directly at first, but when i did - she was the amazing friend one had hope to have around, and i was that lucky someone. Your mummy was the ever supportive listener, always gunning for the positive side of every matter. Your mummy supports me even at my lowest point, and she shown up at the hospital bed when i had a minor operation & didnt want to see anyone. Your mummy is the best person to cheer anyone day up, and while she has her doubts & fear, she didnt let it show much & was always the light-spirit happy-go-lucky woman. Your mummy was fearful when she first learnt about your arrival, but like she always did - she make sure she has everything covered & under controlled. Your Mummy is an amazing woman, and i hope someday you will grow up to appreciate all that she have and will be doing for you.
Baby, your arrival wasn't easy, neither was everything in life. Once upon a time, i had Sonia & i - too - live life with fears, sleepless no tomorrow & dragging to let each day passed by so Sonia will grow older & i might just worry lesser. I pray to sleep for the whole of 3 months after the birth of Sonia, for her health, success and safety. These days, i begin to pray again as i fall asleep everynight, because in my prayers i ask for the safety, health & success of You and Sonia. Baby we are all attracted to you before you understood anything, and i hope my prayers are soon to be answer, and i might worry lesser so your Mummy can worry but at ease.
Baby, your Mummy meant alot to many of us, and it breaks our heart to have to hear her sharing worrying updates on you, but i know this is only but a phase, and someday we will look back & smile at how silly it look, when once upon a time, we felt so hopeless we didnt know how things will eventually work out for you & her.
S Mummy, i dont know how to say things to appease the situation because had i been in your condition, i wouldnt want to hear any beat around the bush too. Once upon a time, you were around when i was at the end of the tunnel, not knowing if i should remove my life-creating organ or to persevere onto it in hope that miracles happen soon enough/. You just hang around and watch me in silence, and told me how strong i was. I didnt see it then, but i saw it now - those words - they dont mean a thing then but it was soothing enough to make me feel better. Sorry you dont need them now and i wish i can say things that make you feel better, but feeling better isnt going to change things, and i hope you are stronger than i once was.
Baby, your mummy says she have cry enough tears and it has to stop. So it shall stop, you will grow up happily, unknowing to this time where there are so much uncertainty we were all rooting for your best outcome. Someday, i want to hold your hand & make you smile & that smile of yours will remind me of how it all happen because your Mummy is so so so strong, and she make you that perfect person you will grow up to be. We adore you so much, stay healthy & include us in your life dearie..
you are not mine, or ours but we care so much for you, and even more for your mummy & Daddy that we have known since the dawn of times.
You are a miracle, you were the project your Mummy had so cautiously crafted, and you were adore by many of us even before we seen you. When we did gather to see you for the first time, none of us had the heart to hold you first because you are so delicate, so precious & so perfect. You are still the perfect human your Mummy had painstakingly endure months of pregnancy for.
Dear baby, on that day i held you for the short moments of bonding before i had to give others a chance to greet you, you had help your jie jie because that week i pump even more milk than i ever did in the past months just thinking about your tiny smile, your deep double eye lid & your soft skin. You cannot tell then but we were all super excited to finally meeting you, and also to finally see your Mum beaming with pride on her pretty achievement.
I have known your Mummy for a long time, i didnt know her directly at first, but when i did - she was the amazing friend one had hope to have around, and i was that lucky someone. Your mummy was the ever supportive listener, always gunning for the positive side of every matter. Your mummy supports me even at my lowest point, and she shown up at the hospital bed when i had a minor operation & didnt want to see anyone. Your mummy is the best person to cheer anyone day up, and while she has her doubts & fear, she didnt let it show much & was always the light-spirit happy-go-lucky woman. Your mummy was fearful when she first learnt about your arrival, but like she always did - she make sure she has everything covered & under controlled. Your Mummy is an amazing woman, and i hope someday you will grow up to appreciate all that she have and will be doing for you.
Baby, your arrival wasn't easy, neither was everything in life. Once upon a time, i had Sonia & i - too - live life with fears, sleepless no tomorrow & dragging to let each day passed by so Sonia will grow older & i might just worry lesser. I pray to sleep for the whole of 3 months after the birth of Sonia, for her health, success and safety. These days, i begin to pray again as i fall asleep everynight, because in my prayers i ask for the safety, health & success of You and Sonia. Baby we are all attracted to you before you understood anything, and i hope my prayers are soon to be answer, and i might worry lesser so your Mummy can worry but at ease.
Baby, your Mummy meant alot to many of us, and it breaks our heart to have to hear her sharing worrying updates on you, but i know this is only but a phase, and someday we will look back & smile at how silly it look, when once upon a time, we felt so hopeless we didnt know how things will eventually work out for you & her.
S Mummy, i dont know how to say things to appease the situation because had i been in your condition, i wouldnt want to hear any beat around the bush too. Once upon a time, you were around when i was at the end of the tunnel, not knowing if i should remove my life-creating organ or to persevere onto it in hope that miracles happen soon enough/. You just hang around and watch me in silence, and told me how strong i was. I didnt see it then, but i saw it now - those words - they dont mean a thing then but it was soothing enough to make me feel better. Sorry you dont need them now and i wish i can say things that make you feel better, but feeling better isnt going to change things, and i hope you are stronger than i once was.
Baby, your mummy says she have cry enough tears and it has to stop. So it shall stop, you will grow up happily, unknowing to this time where there are so much uncertainty we were all rooting for your best outcome. Someday, i want to hold your hand & make you smile & that smile of yours will remind me of how it all happen because your Mummy is so so so strong, and she make you that perfect person you will grow up to be. We adore you so much, stay healthy & include us in your life dearie..
Thursday, May 10, 2018
-Primary School -
Growing up, i was neither the pretty next door girl nor one with complexion or hair fashion to envy. If i had to describe myself so you can relate to anyone, i was the class chairperson/monitor/prefect you hate.
My skirt were threatening to burst at the seam. No, my skirt had burst at the seam, the closure lock and EVEN the pocket area. I was embarrass to request for few new ones from my parents because it would mean lengthy school skirts there i was not allow to shorten and i certainly look worst. Strange how I never put it to puberty, never admitting the skirt can no longer fit my growing hips & only blaming it on the calories. My skirts, they were super washed out, i grew up with a maid all my life so our laundry were always cleaned & ironed. I refuse to change into a new skirt & instead beg my kakak to sew the pocket shut or at least camouflage the white pockets with a navy patch of cloth so the entire skirt looks ok . My BFF didnt complain about me & that was all that matters.
And you would have probably guess it already.. i WAS the prefect/Monitor/Councillor/Environmental Squard treasurer and what's not. i am always a part of whatever role that provides me with some authoritarian responsibilites & thinking back, the teachers might already knew because they always save a spot for me when there are new committee to be form.
I was ALL the teacher's pet, i aspire to be one, i was not your companion or the sort that save her BFF from misery, if my teacher had me punish my BFF by watching her sit through detention, i would do it without flickering the slightest bit, and to top it off i make sure she is within my radar & gave her extra from breaking any rules, no exception.
So it must be miracle how these ladies grow up not killing me.. and these days we still keep in touch once a while, now that we are parents with kids ourselves. I must have done smoething right because i see that we are consider a neat bunch despite graduating from Primary school for a good 18 years now.
I adore my form teacher, i went to her house even when i graduate, and i adore her sister when i was in my secondary school & found out they share the same family surname. My chinese teacher dotes on me super well, so because i knew i had him to count on, i joined his mini-tennis CCA, his ART CCA & dont mind going to his extra chinese class. Mr Lee is a very very fierce teacher who spank our palms when we failed at his spelling test. I make sure i got it right most time, but more often than not, during surprise test i dont do well & was at the receiving end of his "rubber band tied 3 rotan" treatment too. I only but cried out loud after his beating one, when i was in Primary 1, thereafter i make sure i did well in his class & "absorb" his punishment like i deserve it. I do still feel strongly that he took great care of me as his student, and treat me differently well, and for that i am still very grateful.
I was never goood in sport, i didnt like doing PE at all, if i can escape PE classes with excuses i will do it. Despite wanting to excel in all the other subjects, PE was never one of them. I had period when i was in primary 4, during the sports day event at Khatib stadium. By then, health education had prep us for this day to come but it was still an awful surprise. I borrow my first napkin from a lady teacher & never bother returning Ms Catherine, i felt "special" that day for having an extra layer on my clothing. I was even HAPPY to wash my soiled linen when i head home becuase it was my first.
Apart from my hip, my body was changing faster than the period can come. I was uncomfortable to these changes because i associate them as fat. My mum would had prep me with a few singlet by then but i will always forget to put them on.
One fine day during Primary 5, i woke up to the alarm late and it was the school excursion day. You know nothing beats school than excursion so i couldnt miss it. i endure my dad scolding in order to be granted the ride to school instead of busing. i finally made it & ran up the bus & join my mates only to realize i was in PE attire that day & not wearing bra. Needless to say it was uncomfortable to last because PE tee shirt are known to be thin & cooling. It was worst when i was assign to be Pedestrian for this road safety park course which means i couldnt seek shelter & had to "air" myself through the day. Well, in the end i dont think anyone notice because we are only 11 year old afterall, but it certainly carved deeply in my heart as incident when i wasn't well prepared.
1 had 1 boyfriends in school. One was a super cute small boy who crushed on me all through school, and another was a boy i crush on. J was way shorter than i was, but he was really really cute & has cute spikey hair. His dad was chinese & his mum's malay, so he look chinese but lived & grow up muslin. I always think of him as being smart & cute but never acknowledge nor return his affection.. because it just felt good to have someone adore you from afar. Besides, let''s not forget i am that irritating prefect that cannot afford to break school rules.
The next guy was CY, he was really fair & sissy, but i really like him alot because he was my kind of perfect boyfriend material. hahahha.. i really dont know what i was thinking... he might be Gay now that he is all grow up, but once upon a time he had a mini gf and that was me. We chatted on the phone up to 6hours at length, and i had to sneak our calls without being found out by my parent, who still did & always make it hard for me. CY also gave me expensive gift for our age, a Forever friend bear, a musical box or a glass flower.
183 crush on me in silent, and i can never ever forget this guy, because we went on to become poly mates & stay in contact till today. He still never fail to forget my birthdate (thanks FB) and i will lived to regret never once being given the chance to date him officially. I dont really know why we didnt date in primary school, perhaps because we were both the guai guai kind. but once i visited his place for his birthday & i remember his younger sis exclaim aloud that i was his dreamgirl since young. Anyhow, along our friendship things turn awkward because when we in poly he started dating my close friend, at my encouragement & it didnt end up well. Somehow, i harbor thoughts during then that maybe, just maybe we might eventually come in a full circle & finally be together, but that day never come.. and we are both married to our spouse & have our babies. 183 remain an extremely encouraging friend till these days, seeking his wife help & advising me as i undergo dark times post pregnant & while suffering during confinement. I am just hoping for the best for this guy.
My girls, we come from so many countries, Penn was fresh from Thailand & then there was Gale that joined the clique from Malaysia. Mich was always the prettiest among us, had the most admirer but she changed school halfway, sending alot of guys' heart broken. Then there is Jaime, whom till these days we have stop speaking because for some reason i never feel like we can bond. Anyway these girls were my pillar of support through primary school, and they each excel really well in their arena, be it sports, studies or beauty. If i may admit i was the only one without a real talent then, i was the only one that is probably eligible to make it to this group because i took on so many roles in the school committees.
Growing up, i was neither the pretty next door girl nor one with complexion or hair fashion to envy. If i had to describe myself so you can relate to anyone, i was the class chairperson/monitor/prefect you hate.
My skirt were threatening to burst at the seam. No, my skirt had burst at the seam, the closure lock and EVEN the pocket area. I was embarrass to request for few new ones from my parents because it would mean lengthy school skirts there i was not allow to shorten and i certainly look worst. Strange how I never put it to puberty, never admitting the skirt can no longer fit my growing hips & only blaming it on the calories. My skirts, they were super washed out, i grew up with a maid all my life so our laundry were always cleaned & ironed. I refuse to change into a new skirt & instead beg my kakak to sew the pocket shut or at least camouflage the white pockets with a navy patch of cloth so the entire skirt looks ok . My BFF didnt complain about me & that was all that matters.
And you would have probably guess it already.. i WAS the prefect/Monitor/Councillor/Environmental Squard treasurer and what's not. i am always a part of whatever role that provides me with some authoritarian responsibilites & thinking back, the teachers might already knew because they always save a spot for me when there are new committee to be form.
I was ALL the teacher's pet, i aspire to be one, i was not your companion or the sort that save her BFF from misery, if my teacher had me punish my BFF by watching her sit through detention, i would do it without flickering the slightest bit, and to top it off i make sure she is within my radar & gave her extra from breaking any rules, no exception.
So it must be miracle how these ladies grow up not killing me.. and these days we still keep in touch once a while, now that we are parents with kids ourselves. I must have done smoething right because i see that we are consider a neat bunch despite graduating from Primary school for a good 18 years now.
I adore my form teacher, i went to her house even when i graduate, and i adore her sister when i was in my secondary school & found out they share the same family surname. My chinese teacher dotes on me super well, so because i knew i had him to count on, i joined his mini-tennis CCA, his ART CCA & dont mind going to his extra chinese class. Mr Lee is a very very fierce teacher who spank our palms when we failed at his spelling test. I make sure i got it right most time, but more often than not, during surprise test i dont do well & was at the receiving end of his "rubber band tied 3 rotan" treatment too. I only but cried out loud after his beating one, when i was in Primary 1, thereafter i make sure i did well in his class & "absorb" his punishment like i deserve it. I do still feel strongly that he took great care of me as his student, and treat me differently well, and for that i am still very grateful.
I was never goood in sport, i didnt like doing PE at all, if i can escape PE classes with excuses i will do it. Despite wanting to excel in all the other subjects, PE was never one of them. I had period when i was in primary 4, during the sports day event at Khatib stadium. By then, health education had prep us for this day to come but it was still an awful surprise. I borrow my first napkin from a lady teacher & never bother returning Ms Catherine, i felt "special" that day for having an extra layer on my clothing. I was even HAPPY to wash my soiled linen when i head home becuase it was my first.
Apart from my hip, my body was changing faster than the period can come. I was uncomfortable to these changes because i associate them as fat. My mum would had prep me with a few singlet by then but i will always forget to put them on.
One fine day during Primary 5, i woke up to the alarm late and it was the school excursion day. You know nothing beats school than excursion so i couldnt miss it. i endure my dad scolding in order to be granted the ride to school instead of busing. i finally made it & ran up the bus & join my mates only to realize i was in PE attire that day & not wearing bra. Needless to say it was uncomfortable to last because PE tee shirt are known to be thin & cooling. It was worst when i was assign to be Pedestrian for this road safety park course which means i couldnt seek shelter & had to "air" myself through the day. Well, in the end i dont think anyone notice because we are only 11 year old afterall, but it certainly carved deeply in my heart as incident when i wasn't well prepared.
1 had 1 boyfriends in school. One was a super cute small boy who crushed on me all through school, and another was a boy i crush on. J was way shorter than i was, but he was really really cute & has cute spikey hair. His dad was chinese & his mum's malay, so he look chinese but lived & grow up muslin. I always think of him as being smart & cute but never acknowledge nor return his affection.. because it just felt good to have someone adore you from afar. Besides, let''s not forget i am that irritating prefect that cannot afford to break school rules.
The next guy was CY, he was really fair & sissy, but i really like him alot because he was my kind of perfect boyfriend material. hahahha.. i really dont know what i was thinking... he might be Gay now that he is all grow up, but once upon a time he had a mini gf and that was me. We chatted on the phone up to 6hours at length, and i had to sneak our calls without being found out by my parent, who still did & always make it hard for me. CY also gave me expensive gift for our age, a Forever friend bear, a musical box or a glass flower.
183 crush on me in silent, and i can never ever forget this guy, because we went on to become poly mates & stay in contact till today. He still never fail to forget my birthdate (thanks FB) and i will lived to regret never once being given the chance to date him officially. I dont really know why we didnt date in primary school, perhaps because we were both the guai guai kind. but once i visited his place for his birthday & i remember his younger sis exclaim aloud that i was his dreamgirl since young. Anyhow, along our friendship things turn awkward because when we in poly he started dating my close friend, at my encouragement & it didnt end up well. Somehow, i harbor thoughts during then that maybe, just maybe we might eventually come in a full circle & finally be together, but that day never come.. and we are both married to our spouse & have our babies. 183 remain an extremely encouraging friend till these days, seeking his wife help & advising me as i undergo dark times post pregnant & while suffering during confinement. I am just hoping for the best for this guy.
My girls, we come from so many countries, Penn was fresh from Thailand & then there was Gale that joined the clique from Malaysia. Mich was always the prettiest among us, had the most admirer but she changed school halfway, sending alot of guys' heart broken. Then there is Jaime, whom till these days we have stop speaking because for some reason i never feel like we can bond. Anyway these girls were my pillar of support through primary school, and they each excel really well in their arena, be it sports, studies or beauty. If i may admit i was the only one without a real talent then, i was the only one that is probably eligible to make it to this group because i took on so many roles in the school committees.
Thursday, August 03, 2017
OMG Braxton Hicks...
So recently i have experience weird stomachache, and only started linking it to contractions after seriously looking out for the symptoms.
Some of the ignorant things i have came to notice include:-
Some of the ignorant things i have came to notice include:-
- Stomach hardening then softening as i placed my hand on the belly
- Stomachache that eventually lead to real poop usually, perhaps <10 frustrating="" is="" it="" lead="" li="" nothing="" of="" really="" the="" time="" to="" which="" will="">
- motion of hard->soft belly sometimes fall on the left side then right side by 2nd half of the day
All the above are painless or usually manageable pain (which equates to just your typical stomachache so i ignore them) and then there are those that prolong enough to f**k my mind into converting them into "menses cramp" ---- or is it, really?
Today i decided to entered most of this symptoms, coupled with the weeks of pregnancy i am now at Week 37 and laid my faith in Google. The result were astonishing - or so i tot since i am rather duhz.. ignorant to begin with.
As it turns out, the legendary Braxton Hicks i've ponder for months about is exactly that! The usually painless contraction are the hardening of belly then softening! How stupid have i been exactly? Is it a good time to finally let the nurses, midwife & Gynae know that - YES i felt contractions so they can at least check if i have started dilating?
Rodman & i are still praying Sonia arrives before the Lunar 7th month which falls on 22 August. Rodman have been talking to Sonia every night teaching her to countdown the days till 11aug which is when we hope she will arrived. I do feel very excited that all this signs meant we might look forward to seeing her as we've planned.
I finally understood pregnancy a little more:) so pleased..
Wednesday, August 02, 2017
Week 37
My heart is half filled.
These days i have been preoccupied with figuring out what i could have done better. Sonia is seeing the world real soon but i dont know how much of her delay is due to my part. Rodman shared that we haven't done much more than we could to make sure the delivery is smooth, and yes i am panicking with each passing day that the actual delivery will be prolong.
Having spoken to concern girlfriends, i realize how i have not done as much "workout" as i should to encourage delivery. Besides, my belly is really too way high up to be consider "ready for birth". A like-minded mum shared that her boob barely seen her belly onwards third trimester & i realize mine were just piling on top of each other.
Of course, panick came upon me & instead of bio-oil then wrapped up for the night yesterday, i stood in front of the mirror in my unattractive lingerie & maternity undies just staring. After what seems like eternity, coupled with the incessant knocking on the bedroom door from Rodman who just wanted a fresh set of PJ to changed into, i open the door & ask if he saw what i saw.
I'm pretty sure it sounded like we have done this a million times but i had, in fact, only allow him to to stare at my awkward belly less times than my fingers can count. Rodman was being helpful as usual & took some time to absorb & process his words, eventually he came to agree that it doesn't seem the belly is "sunken" low enough to suggest Sonia can come out soon. I am 37 weeks today, which means i am all ready to let Sonia see the world on her own next week onwards.
..................... i have aplenty of things to start doing like.. instantly....................
First up,
i really need to walk more, like way more than i am doing now, google also suggest scrubbing the floor on all fours. As with all Kristal antics, i am also worried if the baby is in a anterior position which will "encourage" prolong labour due to the baby being place in a uncomfortable position that makes it less convenient for her to slip out head down.
Then, since i have been driving all through the pregnancy, i learnt only yesterday that i should have sat & ensure all sitting position are adjusted so the butt is always higher than the knees when bended.... 9 months worth of wrongful doing i ought to be ashame of myself....
i am counting down to less than 6 days till i break from work for the maternity "holiday" to start, and i reckon i should stop worrying at having nothing to do, and instead work on my "to-do" list such as walking to encourage Sonia arrival before the EDD 20 August 2017.
These days i have been preoccupied with figuring out what i could have done better. Sonia is seeing the world real soon but i dont know how much of her delay is due to my part. Rodman shared that we haven't done much more than we could to make sure the delivery is smooth, and yes i am panicking with each passing day that the actual delivery will be prolong.
Having spoken to concern girlfriends, i realize how i have not done as much "workout" as i should to encourage delivery. Besides, my belly is really too way high up to be consider "ready for birth". A like-minded mum shared that her boob barely seen her belly onwards third trimester & i realize mine were just piling on top of each other.
Of course, panick came upon me & instead of bio-oil then wrapped up for the night yesterday, i stood in front of the mirror in my unattractive lingerie & maternity undies just staring. After what seems like eternity, coupled with the incessant knocking on the bedroom door from Rodman who just wanted a fresh set of PJ to changed into, i open the door & ask if he saw what i saw.
I'm pretty sure it sounded like we have done this a million times but i had, in fact, only allow him to to stare at my awkward belly less times than my fingers can count. Rodman was being helpful as usual & took some time to absorb & process his words, eventually he came to agree that it doesn't seem the belly is "sunken" low enough to suggest Sonia can come out soon. I am 37 weeks today, which means i am all ready to let Sonia see the world on her own next week onwards.
..................... i have aplenty of things to start doing like.. instantly....................
First up,
i really need to walk more, like way more than i am doing now, google also suggest scrubbing the floor on all fours. As with all Kristal antics, i am also worried if the baby is in a anterior position which will "encourage" prolong labour due to the baby being place in a uncomfortable position that makes it less convenient for her to slip out head down.
Then, since i have been driving all through the pregnancy, i learnt only yesterday that i should have sat & ensure all sitting position are adjusted so the butt is always higher than the knees when bended.... 9 months worth of wrongful doing i ought to be ashame of myself....
i am counting down to less than 6 days till i break from work for the maternity "holiday" to start, and i reckon i should stop worrying at having nothing to do, and instead work on my "to-do" list such as walking to encourage Sonia arrival before the EDD 20 August 2017.
Monday, July 31, 2017
Week 37 - 20 days to go
Its week 37 today, and i am feeling ok-ish.
Had a weird episode of retching then vomitting this morning all because i accidentally swallowed some toothpaste while gurgling. The retching went on at least 7 times and by the 6th i could feel my abs working it.
Its strange how i appear to accept it all as a package of the baby journey, yet there are sleepless night such as yesterday where thoughts of childbirth scares the shit outta my head. I hate to admit but perhaps deep down i am scared of the actual child birth process, yet the psychical me compare these against all the other ops i have been through so it really isn't anything much worst. I guess the core difference this time is that i am conscious throughout the experience, while the other ops in the past years had always been a full anesthetic. I cant wait to get it over & done with, seeing Sonia & actually "carrying" her instead of.... "carrying"her? #ifyouknowwhatimean
My stomach is so tight now it is a good feeling to hold it most time, so i dont blame Rodman whenever he does hold or carry my belly in public. It must be tough for him having gone this far, and only recently i had to pull him out of bed at almost 5am in the morning because i experience the Mother-of-cramps in pregnancy. I must say he had it easy most time during the last 9 months too, minus the times we squabble a little here & there when he nags on about how i was putting Sonia at risk when i bend, move a little too fast. i dont really like moving like a snail & i never did, although i understand it pays to slow things down a little sometimes i cant help it. And yes, his nagging is a pain to go through.
The cramp i had that faithful night is really a wake up call of just how blessed i have been through the entire pregnancy. Its a crappy feeling that doesnt go away, Rodman woke up shocked as i silently scream in pain at the arch of my heels just freezing in a weird position, and after he massage the cramp away, i fondly fell asleep only to wake up in less than a split seconds because the cramp has return almost instantaneously! After perhaps 3 times of the same cramp coming & going, Rodman says he knows exactly which point the cramps return because my feet went from a soft skin texture to a #mannequinchallenged one hahahahhahhahhaa... and while he had the hardwork of massaging my smelly feet, i had the HARDER job of falling asleep & waking up shock like 7 times within few minutes. The consoling thing is the cramp only came like 36 weeks into the pregnancy, so God has been very very nice to me.
I have since worn socks to sleep EVERY night, not that i can wear them on myself. I secretly mock Rodman that having dated for 9 years and avoided carrying my handbag, wearing my bridal shoes or any of those silly stuff every girl yearn to experience one day, he now has to wear my socks for me every night. And if i may add to his misery, i had to wear HIS high cut soccer, non-appealing & nothing close to Japanese puffy socks. It must truly be a hilarious sight if you can imagine waking up to your wife numerous (if i may count its around 4 times) pee trips in the night & watching her backview of oversize tee, bball shorts & almost knee high socks. Nothing fits me better than his clothes now, and sleeping IS my priority over looking good, if i had to struggling fitting into my dresses by day, i sure as hell wouldn't consider doing that at night.
i am currently counting down less than a week before i break from work to start prepping for Sonia's arrival, and already i am dreading having to stay at home all day under the blazing heat of the house. A part of me decide i was better off turning the air-conditioning on all day, while another part of me wanted to be the wise & sensible mother to start saving on electricity bills. This struggle is real & also the main reason why i hesitate for so long before agreeing to leave work for home (at least in the office i get the luxury of air-cond all day every day... and also the endless made-up humor of my colleagues...).
Dad spoke to me last week, demanding i moved home so at least my mum & maid can help watch over me in case my delivery is due. He also assured me that it was ok to keep the air-con on as long as i felt comfortable, which makes me so guilty for having all this unnecessary demands. Of course if you ask me i prefer to stay at my own place now because of easy access to all things mine, but i know better the risk of falling prey to loneliness & also weird emotional & negative thoughts. I haven't really discuss this with Rodman as of yet, but he know by the 2nd month after Sonia is delivered i will move home so Mummy & Kakak can help take care of me when he return to work. We are keeping our fingers crossed that Sonia can come out earlier than her EDD 20August2017, perhaps 11 August2017 so we have 1 less anniversary to remember (11 August is when we first date back in the year 2008). Well, 船到桥头自然直， come what may next week for i am too pre-occupied to think of all this now.
Had a weird episode of retching then vomitting this morning all because i accidentally swallowed some toothpaste while gurgling. The retching went on at least 7 times and by the 6th i could feel my abs working it.
Its strange how i appear to accept it all as a package of the baby journey, yet there are sleepless night such as yesterday where thoughts of childbirth scares the shit outta my head. I hate to admit but perhaps deep down i am scared of the actual child birth process, yet the psychical me compare these against all the other ops i have been through so it really isn't anything much worst. I guess the core difference this time is that i am conscious throughout the experience, while the other ops in the past years had always been a full anesthetic. I cant wait to get it over & done with, seeing Sonia & actually "carrying" her instead of.... "carrying"her? #ifyouknowwhatimean
My stomach is so tight now it is a good feeling to hold it most time, so i dont blame Rodman whenever he does hold or carry my belly in public. It must be tough for him having gone this far, and only recently i had to pull him out of bed at almost 5am in the morning because i experience the Mother-of-cramps in pregnancy. I must say he had it easy most time during the last 9 months too, minus the times we squabble a little here & there when he nags on about how i was putting Sonia at risk when i bend, move a little too fast. i dont really like moving like a snail & i never did, although i understand it pays to slow things down a little sometimes i cant help it. And yes, his nagging is a pain to go through.
The cramp i had that faithful night is really a wake up call of just how blessed i have been through the entire pregnancy. Its a crappy feeling that doesnt go away, Rodman woke up shocked as i silently scream in pain at the arch of my heels just freezing in a weird position, and after he massage the cramp away, i fondly fell asleep only to wake up in less than a split seconds because the cramp has return almost instantaneously! After perhaps 3 times of the same cramp coming & going, Rodman says he knows exactly which point the cramps return because my feet went from a soft skin texture to a #mannequinchallenged one hahahahhahhahhaa... and while he had the hardwork of massaging my smelly feet, i had the HARDER job of falling asleep & waking up shock like 7 times within few minutes. The consoling thing is the cramp only came like 36 weeks into the pregnancy, so God has been very very nice to me.
I have since worn socks to sleep EVERY night, not that i can wear them on myself. I secretly mock Rodman that having dated for 9 years and avoided carrying my handbag, wearing my bridal shoes or any of those silly stuff every girl yearn to experience one day, he now has to wear my socks for me every night. And if i may add to his misery, i had to wear HIS high cut soccer, non-appealing & nothing close to Japanese puffy socks. It must truly be a hilarious sight if you can imagine waking up to your wife numerous (if i may count its around 4 times) pee trips in the night & watching her backview of oversize tee, bball shorts & almost knee high socks. Nothing fits me better than his clothes now, and sleeping IS my priority over looking good, if i had to struggling fitting into my dresses by day, i sure as hell wouldn't consider doing that at night.
i am currently counting down less than a week before i break from work to start prepping for Sonia's arrival, and already i am dreading having to stay at home all day under the blazing heat of the house. A part of me decide i was better off turning the air-conditioning on all day, while another part of me wanted to be the wise & sensible mother to start saving on electricity bills. This struggle is real & also the main reason why i hesitate for so long before agreeing to leave work for home (at least in the office i get the luxury of air-cond all day every day... and also the endless made-up humor of my colleagues...).
Dad spoke to me last week, demanding i moved home so at least my mum & maid can help watch over me in case my delivery is due. He also assured me that it was ok to keep the air-con on as long as i felt comfortable, which makes me so guilty for having all this unnecessary demands. Of course if you ask me i prefer to stay at my own place now because of easy access to all things mine, but i know better the risk of falling prey to loneliness & also weird emotional & negative thoughts. I haven't really discuss this with Rodman as of yet, but he know by the 2nd month after Sonia is delivered i will move home so Mummy & Kakak can help take care of me when he return to work. We are keeping our fingers crossed that Sonia can come out earlier than her EDD 20August2017, perhaps 11 August2017 so we have 1 less anniversary to remember (11 August is when we first date back in the year 2008). Well, 船到桥头自然直， come what may next week for i am too pre-occupied to think of all this now.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Still week 36... or 37 if you like to see it that way
i just wanna documents that the weird feeling of pressure tugging below is increasing, and if i may interpret it correctly the baby is forcing its head in position. I am also suppose to be on a lookout for the amniotic fluid leaking which is a sign of water bag bursting. So far i would have had 2 episodes of suspect leaking amniotic fluid, but because the signs to lookout for (suppose to be clearer than urine!? not suppose to smell like urine?) i cant really tell.
The dry cough have been sustained for a while now, my colleagues are just impressed more than annoyed with the persistence (29 days counting from the day i first had my sore throat & went on an MC). My GM was away most time overseas, and even she cannot fanthom how she will return to work & i still sound like a seal.
What's even more annoying is that i caught a flu bug the night before, accumulated by having a sick sister to stay over last week plus receiving my husband back from the Army, still down with cough & flu. Rodman says its the combintion of 2 flu virus that causes mine. And somehow, its a blessing in disguise as i found myself deeply asleep due to the flu med i've taken. Plus the flu created lotsa of mucus which clearly is a remedy for the throat that causes the dry cough. However, i should not jinx it by talking more, i do hope i fall asleep as well as i did the night before tonight. And by that i mean skipping my usual 3.45am pee +insomnia attack. *fingers crossed*
Today i've roughly decided on the full month celebration for Sonia, spoke to GM about my pending break from work (counting down 2 weeks). It's high time to focus on nursing myself to bring Sonia safely out, but i fear the overthinking me might end up worrying about other unnecessary things. That' what i dislike about myself actually, hence i prefer to stay at work cos i dont overthink.
i know i am not the only person who would say this, but i don't usually admit defeat to fear either... but pregnancy is a scary process, and if possible i will like to think less, and act more. i pray i wont let all the free time get into me & my hopelessly creative mind.
Then in addition to all this, i am slightly stressed out by Rodman determine mind to celebrate his daughter full month plus open house warming at our new nest, just 30 days into my recovery. The thought of fake smiling & pretending to enjoy & immerse in the season is just too much for me at this point. I wont recover from my post-natal figure, i would have just figured how to treat that little human right, and i am still on the road to recovery & already i need to do all the other "social" stuff of entertaining our family & friends.. 've tried asking Rodman to push the party to the foyer downstairs but he says it defeat the purpose of house warming without getting into the house, moreover i cannot celebrate the baby's full month PAST her full month... sigh pie.. it sucks to be me at this point really.
The dry cough have been sustained for a while now, my colleagues are just impressed more than annoyed with the persistence (29 days counting from the day i first had my sore throat & went on an MC). My GM was away most time overseas, and even she cannot fanthom how she will return to work & i still sound like a seal.
What's even more annoying is that i caught a flu bug the night before, accumulated by having a sick sister to stay over last week plus receiving my husband back from the Army, still down with cough & flu. Rodman says its the combintion of 2 flu virus that causes mine. And somehow, its a blessing in disguise as i found myself deeply asleep due to the flu med i've taken. Plus the flu created lotsa of mucus which clearly is a remedy for the throat that causes the dry cough. However, i should not jinx it by talking more, i do hope i fall asleep as well as i did the night before tonight. And by that i mean skipping my usual 3.45am pee +insomnia attack. *fingers crossed*
Today i've roughly decided on the full month celebration for Sonia, spoke to GM about my pending break from work (counting down 2 weeks). It's high time to focus on nursing myself to bring Sonia safely out, but i fear the overthinking me might end up worrying about other unnecessary things. That' what i dislike about myself actually, hence i prefer to stay at work cos i dont overthink.
i know i am not the only person who would say this, but i don't usually admit defeat to fear either... but pregnancy is a scary process, and if possible i will like to think less, and act more. i pray i wont let all the free time get into me & my hopelessly creative mind.
Then in addition to all this, i am slightly stressed out by Rodman determine mind to celebrate his daughter full month plus open house warming at our new nest, just 30 days into my recovery. The thought of fake smiling & pretending to enjoy & immerse in the season is just too much for me at this point. I wont recover from my post-natal figure, i would have just figured how to treat that little human right, and i am still on the road to recovery & already i need to do all the other "social" stuff of entertaining our family & friends.. 've tried asking Rodman to push the party to the foyer downstairs but he says it defeat the purpose of house warming without getting into the house, moreover i cannot celebrate the baby's full month PAST her full month... sigh pie.. it sucks to be me at this point really.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Back from reservist; Staycation at my place
So its finally friday!!~ Which meant Rodman returns from his reservist & we are back to relying on each other till i pop.
This week has been tiring, but it would have been worst if not for the help of my family & close friends. First up, we were all worried i might pop during this period & Rodman wont be able to help me out.
Special grateful to Ed&Shayne for hanging around our neighborhood instead of heading back to their parents' place for the week, as a back up if i needed an extra helping hands.
And there were my niece, my Mum & my sis who offered to pop by my place to keep me accompany (and help me used up my expiring annual leave no less).
I had a great dinner with Bestie & Jean & my sis last night. It's weird that just yesterday we all felt like my sis was just a toddler & today she sat across the table from us all & chatted just like we were all good old friends. At the end of the dinner Jean & Bestie request that Kristi joined us for future outings but i had to pull the plug here. hahaha... only because i needed to upkeep my "reputation" as an elder sis & i dont want to refrain from speaking my mind for fear that she cannot see me like she should in future.
But i know ultimately that Kristi has been around my girlfriends far too long since i know almost all of them for at least a century? As we made our way back to my place last night she could name off all the ladies i hang out often with & she knew them like they were friends on her facebook as well...
Anyhow, i think this week stay at my place help my sis learnt a little harsh reality of being away from parents. My mum has been toying with the idea of dropping our maid once her contract is up but i can already fear the hardship that is to come. Both my younger siblings are not used to helping around the house in terms of household chores & my mum isnt going to turn younger with the years piling, then there is the addition of new family member plus my baby & niece that she has to take care of as a stay-at-home-grandma. I have feedback against dropping our maid cos i see how valuable those additional help from her have been for our family.
Nevertheless, i can see where my mum is coming from, being able to save on the expenses & having more from my Dad that is the only one working among them both. I have yet to discuss the matter of passing mum some money to thank her for babysitting Sonia but at the moment i've decided to hold it back till i was sure we can afford it. Keepng our fingers crossed that it will all end up well......
Bumpfie with selfie at week 36, technically start of week 37 but will stick to the book instead.
So yesterday, i recall some of the difficulties i've faced going through the pregnancy & decided at some point i shall document them down so i dont forget this information i figure on my own.
Here's a video of Sonia squirming in my belly, so active this baby
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B6mGIBZjneRFTWVVdGxJVU0ySk0
How does baby movement feels like?
OK this differ with every woman, but for mine i started really acknowledging those movement as baby kicks when i hit third trimester.
I must have googled >20 times & asked like 4 mums exactly how it felt like but was still clueless. Google mums didnt do justice to the description & could NEVER EVER figured what it meant when there were butterflies in your stomach.
"....like i've never swallow butterfly before so who can tell huh?"
Today, if you asked me, a baby movement felt like the exact motion of farting/burping. You know at that point where your stomach jerk when you burp? YEAH that is baby kick, minus the discomfort in your throat or your tummy (painless really), THAT IS BABY MOVEMENT.
How to conquer hunger during pregnancy?
This, to me, is the easier to answer. At the start of the pregnancy, you need to already realize that you DO NOT NEED TO EAT FOR 2. .
Fact, a new born baby tummy is the size of a walnut. Tell again how eating a walnut portion of food means twice of everything?
Inevitably, not being to eat during pregnancy is deeply saddening. I only felt real hunger by 2nd trimester so that was the time i allow myself to indulge in food. i dare not say it was the same for all the mummies but i dont feel like i needed to wake up to munch when i am asleep, but during pregnancy sleep is so so so so so much easier than before (no i am including the insommia by 3rd trimester in this discussion here) so i am not letting them slip passed. I was the light sleeper before i got pregnant, so those 7 months of fantastic sleep is rewarding & other than those pee trips most midnight i just wanna hurry peed & return back to the comfort of my bed... so hunger what hunger? Sleep is king!
If you really felt like your appetite is bigger than pregnancy, accept it but remind yourself what the 老人家 mention about those food. So with each mouth tell yourself "too much of this, baby drop hair" "Too much of that i will surely puke".... Like i am sorry but i kept alot of disgusting thoughts in my mind as i ate each mouthful, though i am not upset about it because the weighing scale plus the size of the baby agrees muahahhhaa.
i am currently 10Kg heavier than pre-pregnancy, and Sonia weights maybe 2.5Kg today, the water retention in the body is questionable, but i am praying Baby will soon pile on the weight before full term.
How to track everything?
This is damn easy to answer....
Baby growth - use & download OVIA pregnancy app on iphone /andriods
Contractions - use & download Contractions app on iphone/andriods, it is a green icon with a cartoon baby head sketch in the middle
This week has been tiring, but it would have been worst if not for the help of my family & close friends. First up, we were all worried i might pop during this period & Rodman wont be able to help me out.
Special grateful to Ed&Shayne for hanging around our neighborhood instead of heading back to their parents' place for the week, as a back up if i needed an extra helping hands.
And there were my niece, my Mum & my sis who offered to pop by my place to keep me accompany (and help me used up my expiring annual leave no less).
I had a great dinner with Bestie & Jean & my sis last night. It's weird that just yesterday we all felt like my sis was just a toddler & today she sat across the table from us all & chatted just like we were all good old friends. At the end of the dinner Jean & Bestie request that Kristi joined us for future outings but i had to pull the plug here. hahaha... only because i needed to upkeep my "reputation" as an elder sis & i dont want to refrain from speaking my mind for fear that she cannot see me like she should in future.
But i know ultimately that Kristi has been around my girlfriends far too long since i know almost all of them for at least a century? As we made our way back to my place last night she could name off all the ladies i hang out often with & she knew them like they were friends on her facebook as well...
Anyhow, i think this week stay at my place help my sis learnt a little harsh reality of being away from parents. My mum has been toying with the idea of dropping our maid once her contract is up but i can already fear the hardship that is to come. Both my younger siblings are not used to helping around the house in terms of household chores & my mum isnt going to turn younger with the years piling, then there is the addition of new family member plus my baby & niece that she has to take care of as a stay-at-home-grandma. I have feedback against dropping our maid cos i see how valuable those additional help from her have been for our family.
Nevertheless, i can see where my mum is coming from, being able to save on the expenses & having more from my Dad that is the only one working among them both. I have yet to discuss the matter of passing mum some money to thank her for babysitting Sonia but at the moment i've decided to hold it back till i was sure we can afford it. Keepng our fingers crossed that it will all end up well......
So yesterday, i recall some of the difficulties i've faced going through the pregnancy & decided at some point i shall document them down so i dont forget this information i figure on my own.
Here's a video of Sonia squirming in my belly, so active this baby
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B6mGIBZjneRFTWVVdGxJVU0ySk0
How does baby movement feels like?
OK this differ with every woman, but for mine i started really acknowledging those movement as baby kicks when i hit third trimester.
I must have googled >20 times & asked like 4 mums exactly how it felt like but was still clueless. Google mums didnt do justice to the description & could NEVER EVER figured what it meant when there were butterflies in your stomach.
"....like i've never swallow butterfly before so who can tell huh?"
Today, if you asked me, a baby movement felt like the exact motion of farting/burping. You know at that point where your stomach jerk when you burp? YEAH that is baby kick, minus the discomfort in your throat or your tummy (painless really), THAT IS BABY MOVEMENT.
How to conquer hunger during pregnancy?
This, to me, is the easier to answer. At the start of the pregnancy, you need to already realize that you DO NOT NEED TO EAT FOR 2. .
Fact, a new born baby tummy is the size of a walnut. Tell again how eating a walnut portion of food means twice of everything?
Inevitably, not being to eat during pregnancy is deeply saddening. I only felt real hunger by 2nd trimester so that was the time i allow myself to indulge in food. i dare not say it was the same for all the mummies but i dont feel like i needed to wake up to munch when i am asleep, but during pregnancy sleep is so so so so so much easier than before (no i am including the insommia by 3rd trimester in this discussion here) so i am not letting them slip passed. I was the light sleeper before i got pregnant, so those 7 months of fantastic sleep is rewarding & other than those pee trips most midnight i just wanna hurry peed & return back to the comfort of my bed... so hunger what hunger? Sleep is king!
If you really felt like your appetite is bigger than pregnancy, accept it but remind yourself what the 老人家 mention about those food. So with each mouth tell yourself "too much of this, baby drop hair" "Too much of that i will surely puke".... Like i am sorry but i kept alot of disgusting thoughts in my mind as i ate each mouthful, though i am not upset about it because the weighing scale plus the size of the baby agrees muahahhhaa.
i am currently 10Kg heavier than pre-pregnancy, and Sonia weights maybe 2.5Kg today, the water retention in the body is questionable, but i am praying Baby will soon pile on the weight before full term.
How to track everything?
This is damn easy to answer....
Baby growth - use & download OVIA pregnancy app on iphone /andriods
Contractions - use & download Contractions app on iphone/andriods, it is a green icon with a cartoon baby head sketch in the middle
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
35 days till P-O-P
The changes by now have been manageable, saved for the dry cough that still hasnt gone away.
i know for sure Sonia is having a hard time keeping up with her sleeping pattern, and i only have myself to blame. The Gynae mention Sonia is sitting on my Tummy hence the breathing is limited & causing the cough every min. Somehow i am glad Rodman is away on reservist this week because at least he has this well-deserving sleep without being interrupted by my coughing through the night.
I can tell if i dont have Sonia right now, i might gain some abs from the incessant coughing haha. My appetite is also significantly hindered, but its for the better because otherwise i am not sure my body can cope with anymore weight gain. At last check 3 days ago, i am currently 63kg, started out at 53.7Kg so that is a whopping 10Kg gain since! i guess the only comforting thing to note is i am now less than 35 days away from popping so the gain is but momentarily??
The feeling of gagging is harder to manage these days, it reminded me of 1st trimester quite a bit, except i can manage them better, sometimes alternating between swallowing big gulp of saliva or just coughing the feeling away. I also tend to feel unwell within short interval of time, drifting between dizziness & out of breath. Thankfully they only happen after i am done with a fuller than usual meal, so i try very hard to keep my meals small & just sufficient.
Just the other night after saving a slice of cheesecake for dessert, i struggle to finish them & by nightfall i had puke out almost every single bit of it. Of course naturally it scares Rodman quite a bit & lesson learnt since. We now keep our last meal of the day early & in smaller portion. I am guessing Sonia now has little space to move about & i am suffering from her discomfort, but the good news is i have sliightly less "weight gain" to shed off once this pregnancy is finished.
i know for sure Sonia is having a hard time keeping up with her sleeping pattern, and i only have myself to blame. The Gynae mention Sonia is sitting on my Tummy hence the breathing is limited & causing the cough every min. Somehow i am glad Rodman is away on reservist this week because at least he has this well-deserving sleep without being interrupted by my coughing through the night.
I can tell if i dont have Sonia right now, i might gain some abs from the incessant coughing haha. My appetite is also significantly hindered, but its for the better because otherwise i am not sure my body can cope with anymore weight gain. At last check 3 days ago, i am currently 63kg, started out at 53.7Kg so that is a whopping 10Kg gain since! i guess the only comforting thing to note is i am now less than 35 days away from popping so the gain is but momentarily??
The feeling of gagging is harder to manage these days, it reminded me of 1st trimester quite a bit, except i can manage them better, sometimes alternating between swallowing big gulp of saliva or just coughing the feeling away. I also tend to feel unwell within short interval of time, drifting between dizziness & out of breath. Thankfully they only happen after i am done with a fuller than usual meal, so i try very hard to keep my meals small & just sufficient.
Just the other night after saving a slice of cheesecake for dessert, i struggle to finish them & by nightfall i had puke out almost every single bit of it. Of course naturally it scares Rodman quite a bit & lesson learnt since. We now keep our last meal of the day early & in smaller portion. I am guessing Sonia now has little space to move about & i am suffering from her discomfort, but the good news is i have sliightly less "weight gain" to shed off once this pregnancy is finished.
Saw this chart off pinterest some time back & decided to save them, i am curious how long i can withstand breastfeeding so this might come in handy. After attending the seminar over the weekend, i learnt that i should prioritize breastfeeding over everything else. In addition, the cost saving of breastmilk over proper food plays a huge part too. There are certain arguement in the market about BLW & i am sitting on the fence what sort of feeding techniques will work for Sonia. Ultimately i need to understand that Sonia will be mostly taken care of by my Mum so whichever works for her po-po will works for us too i guess?
Spoke to a few mom to garner some information prior to the start of my breastfeeding journey. i came to decided on Bepanthen because it serves as both a nipple cream as well as diaper rash cream.
I also secure a good deal off carousell, for a 100gm tube of Bepanthen at only SGD$16. Mummies recommend to start applying the cream as nipple cream to prep your boobies for baby suckling. Then again , other LC (lactation consutant) advise to leave the boobies untouch & surprise it immediately after birth so as to quickly trigger the colestrum. Again too many opinions gathered so right now i am just leaving it till i can decide how else to move on...
Finally met up with Paperstop one evening & man it felt great to feel like a woman again . Unfortunately we were both down with dry cough so it was pretty comical seeing how the restaurant patrons were clearly worried when they hear us coughing every few min.
Since we were both out of appetite dinner was just warm porridge over siew yoke & bean sprouts. I love how we both skip much of the siew yoke & jump right at the bean sprout because here is someone who knew how hard it is trying to finish each bite of dinner if the food is fried. I have never felt healthier in my diet than i am now. Pregnancy is clearly magical hahaha.
We also chatted over the usual stuff, her quest for Mr Right & updates on her career. Clearly i am at a stage in life now that there's nothing much to share about me except for the baby, so glad she had the patience to hear me out too. I sure hope to have new things to share about my lives once my family is complete.
It also seems the interaction among my family is growin positively with the addition of our third generation. In our family groupchat i can feel free to throw questions their way & everyone including my mum & dad will offer their opinion on things.
On this day, after sourcing & hunting for a cardigan for Sonia much to the dismay of Rodman (who clearly had me to blame that all our babies onesies consist only of short sleeves ones). I've decided to ask for help from Kayann. Maybe if luck was on my side my brother might saved some new born cardigan that he could pass it down to Sonia?
Then my brother said something that mades be embarrassed to be a almost-mum. He asked why i was fussing over cardigan when newborns are swaddle 80% of the time? Then it all make sense - NO WONDER WE COULDN'T FIND A PROPER CARDIGAN FOR SONIA!!!~
Of course Rodman didnt accept that reason as well as i did, he wanted to stock up on more long sleeves but i was worried the weather in Singapore might be too hot for babies. In that snap above, my brother took a snap of all the clothes he can pass to Sonia & just as he was snapping it Kayann threw herself on the bed to join in the picture... Such a adorable niece!!!!!!
this was the day i got a little emotional. It was the night before Rodman had to be in-camp for a week so i was left to fend for myself.
He make extra effort to request that Kristi stayed over the week to ensure nothing goes wrong. And in addition to that, our friendly-neighbour-buddies Shayne & Edmond also decided to stay at their new hunt for the entire week just in case i needed their help last minute.
He would have gone out with Edmond earlier to stock up on the groceries earlier so i wont go hungry when i am lazy. Then come nightfall i realize we haven't had a proper picture taken together in a long while so here's one. Not long after that i started weeping like something had happen, of course Rodman was shocked!
Right now as i am typing this, i still can't explain what got into me to be that emotional but i blame it ENTIRELY on hormonal change hhahahahahaha. It was weird cos all through our relationship we were used to be being apart & due to work reasons we took turn being overseas for business at a lengthy period each time. We also didnt celebrate his birthday for years to come because it was always the time of the year where i have my company review. So it didnt make sense how i was teary knowing he will be away at camp (just a stone throw from my office compound) for the week & that i'll still see him comes friday. So red-faced & slightly bewildered at myself so i shall marked this day down as the night i cried buckets because i fear surprise might befall me & that Sonia hopes to celebrate her birthday for the next 7 years during the time her Dada is away protecting the nation.
Friday, July 14, 2017
Epilogue of new mum week 35
Sonia is coming soon...real soon.
I have been sick for 19days now, not exactly really sick (having spoken to our gynae).
Turns out the reason of my incessant coughing was due to the fact that Sonia was sitting on my tummy, so..
cough lah, cough all you want, as long as Sonia grows well..
Doc says she is 2.3Kg today, 2.279Kg to be exact, and Rodman took inspiration from that. So after our doc appointment yesterday, he took the gamble & place a small bet on 2279. Now we anticipate Sonia to bring us our first pot of gold.. hahaa.. silly moves like this amuse me alot.
Our gynae was explaining the upcoming procedure to me.. i wasnt sure if EDD 20august2017 meant i was going to slowly make my way to KKH, then wait for the doctors to induce me so Sonia can arrived.
The gynae says she hopes that my contraction starts by week 38/39, which will works out to start from Singapore National days onwards. If Sonia chooses to stay forth till 20august2017 LATEST, we will discuss plans to move forward such as an induce date. So from here forth i was to cut down on my appt from once every 2 months to 2 weeks, then to every week ( i am 5 weeks away from 20august as of today). The good news is next week Rodman is on reservist so there is a slim chance Sonia will choose to appear. Thereafter we'll all pray hard that she choose her birthdate wisely & show me obviuos signs & gave me ample time to make my way to the hospital.
Here's a creepy front facing scan of Sonia, hahaha... no 3D image cos KKH refuse to scan it for us...
Left pic - Sonia with her eye socket, presumably open her eyes
Right pic - less visible scan of her eye socket, so it looks like she has her eye closed.
i try not to the let the scan images gets into me, it kinda look creepy but take it its an skeleton scan. u can see her nostril bones, eye sockets & mouth hence its a complete normal scan. Wonderful how our brain works aint it.. and my colleagues were exclaiming in astonishment at the technology these days.. as compared to those times when their now 21 year old daughter had her first scan.. They truly felt that the scan these days were much clearer.
In another attempt to prove my point, here's a scan of when my Mum has me inside her tummy, at week 35
I have been sick for 19days now, not exactly really sick (having spoken to our gynae).
Turns out the reason of my incessant coughing was due to the fact that Sonia was sitting on my tummy, so..
cough lah, cough all you want, as long as Sonia grows well..
Doc says she is 2.3Kg today, 2.279Kg to be exact, and Rodman took inspiration from that. So after our doc appointment yesterday, he took the gamble & place a small bet on 2279. Now we anticipate Sonia to bring us our first pot of gold.. hahaa.. silly moves like this amuse me alot.
Our gynae was explaining the upcoming procedure to me.. i wasnt sure if EDD 20august2017 meant i was going to slowly make my way to KKH, then wait for the doctors to induce me so Sonia can arrived.
The gynae says she hopes that my contraction starts by week 38/39, which will works out to start from Singapore National days onwards. If Sonia chooses to stay forth till 20august2017 LATEST, we will discuss plans to move forward such as an induce date. So from here forth i was to cut down on my appt from once every 2 months to 2 weeks, then to every week ( i am 5 weeks away from 20august as of today). The good news is next week Rodman is on reservist so there is a slim chance Sonia will choose to appear. Thereafter we'll all pray hard that she choose her birthdate wisely & show me obviuos signs & gave me ample time to make my way to the hospital.
Here's a creepy front facing scan of Sonia, hahaha... no 3D image cos KKH refuse to scan it for us...
Left pic - Sonia with her eye socket, presumably open her eyes
Right pic - less visible scan of her eye socket, so it looks like she has her eye closed.
i try not to the let the scan images gets into me, it kinda look creepy but take it its an skeleton scan. u can see her nostril bones, eye sockets & mouth hence its a complete normal scan. Wonderful how our brain works aint it.. and my colleagues were exclaiming in astonishment at the technology these days.. as compared to those times when their now 21 year old daughter had her first scan.. They truly felt that the scan these days were much clearer.
In another attempt to prove my point, here's a scan of when my Mum has me inside her tummy, at week 35
sorry i am not sure i can explain exactly what we are seeing here. Its quite exciting to know i am now the mummy of Sonia from the little blop here i used to be..
I was just calculating & getting all the administrative matters sort out. From the short discussion with our HR earlier, i learnt that i will need to break from work earlier than i would preferred to. Largely due to the Annual leave that will soon expires, and the maternity leave i hope to tap on.. "Our corporation works differently, we dont have to abide the MOM recommendation " was what she said.
Ya, one line sentence & now all is screwed. Judging from this sort of response, i estimate i have less than 2 weeks left at work before i bid my colleagues adios until the end of my maternity privileges. Just whatsapp my partner at work & let him know of the news. Its gonna be rushing through our handovers so he can manage my accounts while i take my well deserved break. i am nervous at the thought of not working for such a long stretch of time.
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anyway, maternity leave is a privilege so i shouldnt be all negative about it.. so is the expiring annual leave, let's make the best out of whatever we are given. I will spend as much time as possible being a good new mummy to Sonia soon.. i hope.
In other news, Sonia jiejie cousin is so sweet & addictive i just look forward to heading home to my mum every wednesday to spend sometime with her.
Gu-zhang Rodman also melt at her presence & each time we left my mum's we spent the rest of the evening talking about how cute she is & how we hope Sonia will be as fun as Kayann will be.
At one point pregnant hormones would have gotten into me & i would be emotional & depressed, worying tat Sonia will not bring us as much joy as Kayann does. Rodman rest assured me i will love my own flesh & blood judging from how much he knows me. i sure hope that is true.
Mentally, i feel like i am ready to see Sonia soon. Just yesterday Rodman asked if i will be mentally ready for my next pregnancy once we have Sonia. I was rather taken aback. I did share that the pregnancy has been rather smooth sailing & manageable thus far, and i felt very grateful for the good luck i have over utilised. Its not that i am dont look forward to the next baby at this point, but i haven't experience the REAL joy of seeing Sonia to judge. Besides, after being sick for 19 days straight after being well through the entire pregnancy, i get this inkling feeling that my mind has taken for granted what the body has been enduring. To be frank, if given a choice, i told Rodman i want to forget the negatives & pain from carrying Sonia, before i get pregnant again. Afterall, he is one weird fellow that is surprisingly quite "changed" after acknowledging his status as a Daddy.. =P
i recall us being out with our usual hangout weeks ago, and someone was saying how its scary that our clique will soon expand with the introduction of Sonia. At this point i agreed that we are all really excited at the new guest, then Rodman answer nonchalently that we are going to enjoy it. Its like he already knew it will influence his clique to quickly jump on the bandwagon & produce a mini version of themselves right after seeing ours.
On our way home that night, i told Rodman how we used to pride ourselves as the model couple for our clique, so does this means when Sonia comes along we can pride ourselves as the model family now? Rodman says even if we doesnt, at least we help influence his friends towards the right tracks. He also share how different he felt ever since he place his palms on my tummy & Sonia responded with a small thump.
Coincidentally, its like each time Rodman hinted Sonia for some response, he gets it on cue. He was really proud of this fact, he told his pal that the feeling was amazing. Sometimes he think back & came to the realization that he helped "made this fellow" & then there was a immerse sense of joy & pride. I dont ever think i share this kind of connection with Sonia, so i am convince Rodman has already mark his ownership over our daughter, and it felt kinda sweet.
The saying goes that daughter are the ex-lover of their father. 前世情人, and it goes without saying that my daughter & her dad already acknowledged this to be true. Sonia's room is now ready awaiting her arrival, and her Dad spare no expense to making sure the room is comfortable.
Here's the newly furnished room with help from Ed & Ray who took time off weekend to help paint the furniture pastel pink (no thanks to Daddy's limited knowledge of baby girl colors) & build the babycot.
I have requested a few times for Rodman to sleep in the room so someone "room warming" before the confinement lady & Sonia arrived. He seems to reject it a little, as though it was well reserved for his Babygirl to do the warming herself. I have since shatter his dream as i invite my family over for staycation next week when he is on reservist. hahaha..
To sum it up, i used to spend the start of each year penning new resolution & trying hard to keep to it. My last few resolution were deliberately made doable only because i wanted to achieve it. This year flew by like a bullet train, i came to learn about Sonia arrival on november last year & since then, life whirlwind & i am now weeks away from seeing her.
No, to a certain extent i still do not see myself as the overly attached mum that floods her instagram with baby pics, and i secretly wonder if i will adore my niece more than i can adore my daughter. The sort of attachment i was told i would soon felt also didnt came to me much. I guess its all down to the person who is undergoing the process.
Each & everyday i swive Rodman a little more towards being the kind of parents i think fits our style. I didnt want to be the attentive blissful & twinning parents-baby trendy family i see others to be. Instead, i told Rodman i just wanna be cool about this whole growing up thing, to leave her in the safe hands of my mum & to continue growing our family financially, our marriage to be kept within us both, and that the baby is our investment. I know it gets hard to be away from our baby, especially me after 16 long weeks together, but i already knew how i wanted to do it soon enough, to stop feeling like my world revolve around her & to focus instead of working for a better future for her well-being. i dont want to be the 24/7 mum, tiger mum, BLW mum, breastfeeding FTW mum. I dont want to be all the mum i am reading up on. I need to be a working adult, a useful employee, a caring & loving wife to my husband, and i need to stay focus.
Monday, June 19, 2017
What makes me unhappy...
As the week draws near & we are expecting the arrival of baby soon, i cannot help but be affected by the many things i have to sacrifice.
I have known for a long time that i tend to be a straight forward & strong-minded woman who feels that i am better off not being bonded by financial woes, and as such never really jump into the bandwagon of taking cash from Rodman for starting a family as well as making sure i always am bounded by a stable job so i can contribute & used my money like i deem worth.
There are definitely times i question my ability to lead a happy life like that of a handful close girlfriends who seemingly embrace being full-time mum & cherishing whatever amount their husbands extend to them, just being glad that they are getting by. Then i know i will not be happy limiting my freedom to whatever is being extended to me, knowing i have the ability to ask for more & enjoy more.
For a long time coming, as long as Rodman & i contribute diligently to the monthly joint bank account we share then i feel that we are saving good & in preparation for bigger things. Then came our home that we now lived in for the past 6 months, where we take matters into our hands & make major financial decision that painfully deplete our savings to a new low. However it is no use holding back on those drawstrings as we need quality stuff to live by. Generally, i do like to think that we were lucky that we secure much good deals, both onlines & through the goodwill of people we were grateful to. Back then, when Rodman commented that he didnt see his personal savings rising like it used to, clearly i had to do something & made him take into account that we were now at the mercy of our own savings & trying to build a comfortable roof over our head & surely, changes such as lowered expectation of personal savings is inevitable. But lo & behold, as i am the free spirit person i always am when it comes to the theory of "if it ain't broken , dont fix it" i didnt comment much, and only empathize by commenting how i felt the same towards my bank account.
Then come this day, now that we are less than 10 weeks away from the arrival of another spendthrift (no i dont mean it that way, but surely raising a kid means more money out your pocket hence the reference). Unfortunately i took on the role of making sure we path our way ahead with more expectation in mind, and having said that, started Rodman on the "discussion/argument/opinionated heated fight" over what is about to come our way. Here, we are about to embrace changes as new parents which also meant we were soon to start paying for an extra mouth, extra expenses such as milk powder, diapers & food. How are we going to cope with this? Is it ok that i deplete my savings since i dont earn as much as my husband? How are we going to split this responsibilities? Is he committed to splitting the cost of baby living between me & him 50-50?
I know i should have started the whole conversation on a light note, but so far attempts to mention this has been futile as we wind up concluding the conversation with thoughts about how we have to start tightening our pocket & be more mindful of the expense we occur. That..... is something neither of us are willing to part ways with.
Can i just say, at this point i feel that the biggest victim is the baby living inside me? On how selfish (instead of selfless) i felt we have both been as adults who decide now was the time to welcome a new member to our family? I wish i had the mentality that my girlfriends have lead me onto believing that i will eventually come to terms with? I wish when they mention "soon, you will realize it is all worth it!" meant giving up on dining with girlfriends at exquisite expensive diners, or giving up on chilling with the girls & instead head for home so i will reduce any chances of spurging on myself while they shop for clothes at the mall. I wish when they say that they are thankful for the handout (allowance, allowance, allowance... ) their husband pass them monthly, meant that they have way enough to feed the baby, the babysitter, the lost sleep, the lost of appetite, the housework, the all-in-a-day work without air-conditioned environment until bedtime. I wish when they carry the baby & meitu-xiuxiu the pictures before posting them on social media, meant that they are done with a day work & their husbands are not working so hard to give good living & that their marriage are never about financial woes & disagreement.
And then there are selfish person like me, who declare that once i set aside possible expense for my baby, i will be left with close to none savings in my bank account. but it will all be alright because it meant that i have the comfort & support of my trusted family to help take care of the baby while i continue to motivate myself to work for the society in return for salary to continue my current expenditure & also to be responsible to the baby i brought to the world. Then i failed to realize this meant Rodman will soon see depleting sum in his personal savings & we are both just uncomfortable with this idea because he was the man who was always full of assurance of a secure & safe living & also the person i can count back on if things failed at my side. Without the steady rise in the his personal savings all of a sudden he faced all the uncertainties which directly affect me because we are both used to him being the pillar of our marriage.
At this point i wish i can stay strong & assure him nothing changes, but the truth is everything changes. Proven up till june now that we are living away from our families and his obvious halt in personal savings. I also contemplate ((not really.. i have already decided i will start)) spending lesser on myself so i can ease the burden for us both. I am not mentally strong on this one yet cos i have known myself to spend lesser than the people i generally know, but it only meant now that i have to be even stricter on myself (a.k.a illtreating) but thats something to worry for another day.
Why wont things fast track further so we will both now be accustom to the new lifestyle we can adopt with the baby? perhaps by then i will laugh this off at how silly this all sound becuase we didnt wind up spending too much afterall? It is also a good time to tell me now how childish i have been in believing that raising a kid wont cost us much, becuase it will & our plans for the next 10 years are soon to change big time, and whats with the silly plan to raise another siblings in the next 2 years? i can barely breathe 2 months prior to my first-born.
I have known for a long time that i tend to be a straight forward & strong-minded woman who feels that i am better off not being bonded by financial woes, and as such never really jump into the bandwagon of taking cash from Rodman for starting a family as well as making sure i always am bounded by a stable job so i can contribute & used my money like i deem worth.
There are definitely times i question my ability to lead a happy life like that of a handful close girlfriends who seemingly embrace being full-time mum & cherishing whatever amount their husbands extend to them, just being glad that they are getting by. Then i know i will not be happy limiting my freedom to whatever is being extended to me, knowing i have the ability to ask for more & enjoy more.
For a long time coming, as long as Rodman & i contribute diligently to the monthly joint bank account we share then i feel that we are saving good & in preparation for bigger things. Then came our home that we now lived in for the past 6 months, where we take matters into our hands & make major financial decision that painfully deplete our savings to a new low. However it is no use holding back on those drawstrings as we need quality stuff to live by. Generally, i do like to think that we were lucky that we secure much good deals, both onlines & through the goodwill of people we were grateful to. Back then, when Rodman commented that he didnt see his personal savings rising like it used to, clearly i had to do something & made him take into account that we were now at the mercy of our own savings & trying to build a comfortable roof over our head & surely, changes such as lowered expectation of personal savings is inevitable. But lo & behold, as i am the free spirit person i always am when it comes to the theory of "if it ain't broken , dont fix it" i didnt comment much, and only empathize by commenting how i felt the same towards my bank account.
Then come this day, now that we are less than 10 weeks away from the arrival of another spendthrift (no i dont mean it that way, but surely raising a kid means more money out your pocket hence the reference). Unfortunately i took on the role of making sure we path our way ahead with more expectation in mind, and having said that, started Rodman on the "discussion/argument/opinionated heated fight" over what is about to come our way. Here, we are about to embrace changes as new parents which also meant we were soon to start paying for an extra mouth, extra expenses such as milk powder, diapers & food. How are we going to cope with this? Is it ok that i deplete my savings since i dont earn as much as my husband? How are we going to split this responsibilities? Is he committed to splitting the cost of baby living between me & him 50-50?
I know i should have started the whole conversation on a light note, but so far attempts to mention this has been futile as we wind up concluding the conversation with thoughts about how we have to start tightening our pocket & be more mindful of the expense we occur. That..... is something neither of us are willing to part ways with.
Can i just say, at this point i feel that the biggest victim is the baby living inside me? On how selfish (instead of selfless) i felt we have both been as adults who decide now was the time to welcome a new member to our family? I wish i had the mentality that my girlfriends have lead me onto believing that i will eventually come to terms with? I wish when they mention "soon, you will realize it is all worth it!" meant giving up on dining with girlfriends at exquisite expensive diners, or giving up on chilling with the girls & instead head for home so i will reduce any chances of spurging on myself while they shop for clothes at the mall. I wish when they say that they are thankful for the handout (allowance, allowance, allowance... ) their husband pass them monthly, meant that they have way enough to feed the baby, the babysitter, the lost sleep, the lost of appetite, the housework, the all-in-a-day work without air-conditioned environment until bedtime. I wish when they carry the baby & meitu-xiuxiu the pictures before posting them on social media, meant that they are done with a day work & their husbands are not working so hard to give good living & that their marriage are never about financial woes & disagreement.
And then there are selfish person like me, who declare that once i set aside possible expense for my baby, i will be left with close to none savings in my bank account. but it will all be alright because it meant that i have the comfort & support of my trusted family to help take care of the baby while i continue to motivate myself to work for the society in return for salary to continue my current expenditure & also to be responsible to the baby i brought to the world. Then i failed to realize this meant Rodman will soon see depleting sum in his personal savings & we are both just uncomfortable with this idea because he was the man who was always full of assurance of a secure & safe living & also the person i can count back on if things failed at my side. Without the steady rise in the his personal savings all of a sudden he faced all the uncertainties which directly affect me because we are both used to him being the pillar of our marriage.
At this point i wish i can stay strong & assure him nothing changes, but the truth is everything changes. Proven up till june now that we are living away from our families and his obvious halt in personal savings. I also contemplate ((not really.. i have already decided i will start)) spending lesser on myself so i can ease the burden for us both. I am not mentally strong on this one yet cos i have known myself to spend lesser than the people i generally know, but it only meant now that i have to be even stricter on myself (a.k.a illtreating) but thats something to worry for another day.
Why wont things fast track further so we will both now be accustom to the new lifestyle we can adopt with the baby? perhaps by then i will laugh this off at how silly this all sound becuase we didnt wind up spending too much afterall? It is also a good time to tell me now how childish i have been in believing that raising a kid wont cost us much, becuase it will & our plans for the next 10 years are soon to change big time, and whats with the silly plan to raise another siblings in the next 2 years? i can barely breathe 2 months prior to my first-born.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Baby 2nd trimester
Finally back to update on some progressment.
These days there are numerous times i have felt like my stomach is rolling in the deep, ready to throw a bad diarrhea but furtile attempts. I googled if these were symptoms of the baby rolling or kicking in the stomach but apparently they werent quite the same thing. The advice on the internet says to lookout for fluttery feeling in the stomach but God knows how that feel cos i havent ate a butterfly before. It suck that each times i thought i felt what must have been a movement in the tummy only to be called false alarm by Rodman who, despite placing his palm on the tummy numerous times did not feel a slightest "nudge" like he said he should.
Seriously, i think that man thought we are feeding a Monster & movement is supposedly a obvious palm stetch into my tummy, Baby is on the size of a banana hello?!~ Of course, he was naturally upset that he didnt felt the baby moved & most times i brush it off saying i wasnt sure if it was baby movement afterall, so maybe not. I guess we both haven confirmed we have felt the baby moved yet?
I am starting to get all kinds of weird illness but each time i want to start worrying about it, i put off the idea as soon as they fall into the category of "pregnant symptoms". Migraine be the bane of my life, then comes flu (sinus, real sinus like block nose & watery tear duct) & all that going to bed feeling like i have been stuck in a drought yet not allowing myself any water for the fear of water retention. There have been 2 episodes that i teared so far, just plain tired at hearing or accepting all the unneccessary comment that comes my way.
Should the topic of pregnancy be limit to only positive ^& congratulatory comments? Because most of those i received are really unnecessary!!!!
I especially detest comments made by "those who had been there" - there is a lot to take in during this time, i dont care if you ever limit urself to only warm water all through your pregnancy (your baby is whining non-stop for ice at the very moment you "advise" me to abstain from cold drinks. You deprive yourself the luxury to enjoy the pregnancy but that doesnt give you the right to deprive mine. I clearly dont take it well to your advise WITHOUT a reasonable explanation so please keep the comment to yourself already.
Rodma
These days there are numerous times i have felt like my stomach is rolling in the deep, ready to throw a bad diarrhea but furtile attempts. I googled if these were symptoms of the baby rolling or kicking in the stomach but apparently they werent quite the same thing. The advice on the internet says to lookout for fluttery feeling in the stomach but God knows how that feel cos i havent ate a butterfly before. It suck that each times i thought i felt what must have been a movement in the tummy only to be called false alarm by Rodman who, despite placing his palm on the tummy numerous times did not feel a slightest "nudge" like he said he should.
Seriously, i think that man thought we are feeding a Monster & movement is supposedly a obvious palm stetch into my tummy, Baby is on the size of a banana hello?!~ Of course, he was naturally upset that he didnt felt the baby moved & most times i brush it off saying i wasnt sure if it was baby movement afterall, so maybe not. I guess we both haven confirmed we have felt the baby moved yet?
I am starting to get all kinds of weird illness but each time i want to start worrying about it, i put off the idea as soon as they fall into the category of "pregnant symptoms". Migraine be the bane of my life, then comes flu (sinus, real sinus like block nose & watery tear duct) & all that going to bed feeling like i have been stuck in a drought yet not allowing myself any water for the fear of water retention. There have been 2 episodes that i teared so far, just plain tired at hearing or accepting all the unneccessary comment that comes my way.
Should the topic of pregnancy be limit to only positive ^& congratulatory comments? Because most of those i received are really unnecessary!!!!
I especially detest comments made by "those who had been there" - there is a lot to take in during this time, i dont care if you ever limit urself to only warm water all through your pregnancy (your baby is whining non-stop for ice at the very moment you "advise" me to abstain from cold drinks. You deprive yourself the luxury to enjoy the pregnancy but that doesnt give you the right to deprive mine. I clearly dont take it well to your advise WITHOUT a reasonable explanation so please keep the comment to yourself already.
Rodma
Monday, March 13, 2017
Baby 1st trimester
I am 16 weeks pregnant today, which will works out to be 4 months. Baby will start growing hair next week, his/her limbs & fingers are slowly transform from the web mass it was previously.
I have been relatively happy, courtesy of Rodman being extraordinarily thoughtful. Most days i find myself being exaggeratedly happy from the least comical humor, in chinese we call this 笑点很底。 I have one noticeably weird emotional blast episode so far that saw me bursting into tears when all Rodman said was how i should have sounded the horn as i was driving & swiftly avoided a possible head-on collision with a Taxi driver.
You see, the driver had made a turn without checking for incoming car and i was the first in the tow to be maneuvering the straight road. Quite obviously i had the right of way but i jam brake anyhow to save my life as well as to warn the cars behind me of the impending danger. I had driven at a careful speed of 60km/h which was within speed limit so i had taken all the precaution & deserves a medal right? .... no...not according to the Mr-experience-driver husband who felt i should have sounded the horn to warn the car of my arrival as i manipulate a straight road. Like, hello?!?!?!??!, who goes around sounding the horn EACH time they drive past a traffic light unless they are ambulance dashing across a amber-turning-red traffic stop. I felt Rodman's demand was beyond acceptance. and that - coupled with the fact that he had targeted on the things i DIDN't do, instead of complimenting on what i had done - had me whining & crying like my pet-mosquito died. Thinking back, it was comical especially when Rodman profusely apologize just to cheer me up.
Baby says hello!! Yes, we should know the gender by now - no, we still don't know because there are no scan appointment from the last visit when it was too early to tell. It was frustrating really, i woke up excited - having lost sleep from the day before as it was finally time to reveal the gender. Drove to KK hospital only to be told we were only chatting with te Gynae today
like... WHAT?!??!?! "How are you?" "Everything ok?" "Have you finish your medicine?" "Let's hear the baby heartbeat"
and then i was send out the door - no scan to see the baby, only heard his/her heartbeat which is regular. i was so so so upset at the waste of time really.
Next appointment - with a scan in toll of course - after double clarifying with the nurses - gender reveal finaly. 7 April i cannot wait for you to come sooner.
Mum said i had a belly all along, so its no wonder i had visible baby bump so early on - i can't really tell if it is only food tummy actually, so here's a snap to show the first obvious bump at week 12. Man this clothes i wear, how long till i outgrown them, sigh..
Finally breaking into the loan clothes from Karen, and first up was this pretty sarong dress made to measure when Karen was carrying her twins. I tot i had them out at the right time (13 weeks in) but clearly my belly tells no lie.. because
That fateful day might be the last i'll seen of this bali-ish dress Maxi that i so fancy. My belly threaten to burst the dress & i cannot even attempt to suck in the tummy (its impossible, i've tried) as i went about the day carefully not to burst the seam. I need to return this dresses to Karen at the end of it all so better keep them in a good condition otherwise.
Another vest-improvised top that i loan from Karen, which i tot i will maximize its mileage through the pregnancy. I do really like how i look in it, with colleague commenting i dont look at all pregnant. But if you notice, the buttons at the chest are threatening to burst - Karen tease that i am more endown - so i should look at it on the brighter side.
I have been relatively happy, courtesy of Rodman being extraordinarily thoughtful. Most days i find myself being exaggeratedly happy from the least comical humor, in chinese we call this 笑点很底。 I have one noticeably weird emotional blast episode so far that saw me bursting into tears when all Rodman said was how i should have sounded the horn as i was driving & swiftly avoided a possible head-on collision with a Taxi driver.
You see, the driver had made a turn without checking for incoming car and i was the first in the tow to be maneuvering the straight road. Quite obviously i had the right of way but i jam brake anyhow to save my life as well as to warn the cars behind me of the impending danger. I had driven at a careful speed of 60km/h which was within speed limit so i had taken all the precaution & deserves a medal right? .... no...not according to the Mr-experience-driver husband who felt i should have sounded the horn to warn the car of my arrival as i manipulate a straight road. Like, hello?!?!?!??!, who goes around sounding the horn EACH time they drive past a traffic light unless they are ambulance dashing across a amber-turning-red traffic stop. I felt Rodman's demand was beyond acceptance. and that - coupled with the fact that he had targeted on the things i DIDN't do, instead of complimenting on what i had done - had me whining & crying like my pet-mosquito died. Thinking back, it was comical especially when Rodman profusely apologize just to cheer me up.
like... WHAT?!??!?! "How are you?" "Everything ok?" "Have you finish your medicine?" "Let's hear the baby heartbeat"
and then i was send out the door - no scan to see the baby, only heard his/her heartbeat which is regular. i was so so so upset at the waste of time really.
Next appointment - with a scan in toll of course - after double clarifying with the nurses - gender reveal finaly. 7 April i cannot wait for you to come sooner.
Finally breaking into the loan clothes from Karen, and first up was this pretty sarong dress made to measure when Karen was carrying her twins. I tot i had them out at the right time (13 weeks in) but clearly my belly tells no lie.. because
Another vest-improvised top that i loan from Karen, which i tot i will maximize its mileage through the pregnancy. I do really like how i look in it, with colleague commenting i dont look at all pregnant. But if you notice, the buttons at the chest are threatening to burst - Karen tease that i am more endown - so i should look at it on the brighter side.
On better days i finally spent some quality time with Baby Princess who have now grown into a fine young lady. She was outspoken & very clear on her articulation & demand. We had lunch & it was instructed from the start that she fancy only 署条， so fries it was. Since preggy Kristal wanted some fries too, i was allowed a handful before she hinted me to leave her fries alone.
Baby princess & me, i regretted not making more effort to see her through her many milestone, gonna create more memories with her if time permits. Can you spot my baby bump in the above picture?
Paperstop & i finally met! and we have endless of things to talk about - as usual.
Since i havent got a craving that day, we randomly joined a queue to spend more time chatting & wind up the night having one of the most satisfying meal this pregnancy! I didnt even get the name of the restaurant when we left but the exact location is clearly etched in my mind.
Basically, you sit on the rows of wake- commonly used plastic red chair & advance with the queue as it shortens. Rice barley water were served at interval to tie you through the bad wait. We must have clock all of 1 hr till it is our turn. As we walk in, it finally dawn upon us why the queue, it was quaint small restaurant with very limited sitting - about less than 20 pax per ""session""?
Anyway, you can ONLY choose from [SPECIAL] or [VEGETARIAN], so special it is! It is really weird just staring into the chef as they prepare your meal. It was only then that wwe learnt we were eating tempura - served with rice & a fried poached egg. A Chawamushi & a bowl of miso soup. No further question is asked.
Verdict - definitely render a return visit, i must have kept alot of friends in suspense & even Rodman is just waiting for the next trip when i gave in & reveal the locaation to him. I LOVE THIS RESTAURANT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!~
Per set meal came to about S$19 each, you do not choose from varieties, and for some ppl who ate certain vegetables - Lady finger & Yam are DEFINITELY in the menu...
Finally decided to stop being so lazy & wake up at unearthly hour ((actually pretty erthly considering its 9am but its saturday & meant for sleep in)) to conquer Singapore Quarry. I must have to trek that since 1980??!?!? anyhooo Singapore Quarry checked & here's the latest baby bump pic - Baby is growing well at 16 weeks now :)
This is more obvious, also spot my boobs threatening to tear my sports bra apart.
One more closely similar shot because they all look so good i cannot post just 1.
And there you have it! One third completion to Baby's journey, just 24 more weeks to go- jia you!
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